24

I realize that I have been a bit of an absentee blogger over the past few months and I am sorry for that.  I really did have the best of intentions to be giving updates on at least a weekly basis, but my best intentions often fall short when translated into the real world.

So, what has kept me away?  To be quite honest, it's mostly due to laziness and my apparent fixation with the Facebook game, Bubble Town--it's dumb, but I love it nonetheless.  School is trying to kill me, but not really because it's my fault.  If I didn't procrastinate so damn much, I would get more sleep and be doing much better.  This is my first semester as UA and I am already becoming a serious slacker--this is not a good thing.  I like most of my classes, but I have yet to find the purpose of one of them, which is seriously irritating.  HIST 301, Intro to the Study of History.  What is that?!  The other people I have talked to in that class don't know what we are supposed to be studying either...it is really annoying!  Other than that, school is fine though I am broke and can't get some of my books that I need to complete certain assignments for my online history class.  I am still waiting for my loan to go through UA's financial aid office so I can get the remainder so that I can be all caught up on bills and such.  I don't like being broke.  I don't like having to decide which bills to pay on a monthly basis.  I hate having to forgo getting groceries because I have to put gas in the car.  I am terrified of failing at this endeavor of mine.  It is difficult to figure out where all my freaking money goes....  I am not buying frivilous things...well I eat out too much at work, so I'll start packing a lunch, but I'm not buying movies or books like I used to!  I have a job that pays well and gives me 24 hours a week...though I wish it were more on the hours side of it.

Anyways...enough about my financial woes.  So...I had a date a few weeks ago.  It was horrible.  He was a jackass and literally tried to bite me.  This is a guy i have known for less than a month and he tries to bite me.  Explain to me in what society that is acceptable and can it me easily mistaken for ours?  He made two phone calls about his truck while we were eating.  I left during the second one.  As I got up, I told him that I was going to the library and that I would see him the next class period.  He said, "Or you could wait."  AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Why the hell would I wait for you to get off the damn phone so you can just go back to being a total dick about everything again.  AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Pass.  I replied, "No thanks, I have a bunch of shit to do."  That translates roughly to, "No fucking way you moron," in case you were wondering.  Class has been interesting with him since.  We don't really talk.  He is always an ass, but luckily, he is failing miserably...hehehe, I do enjoy that part. Some days he will try to be a nice guy and then, like today, he will just be a dick about everything.  Our teacher is German so, of course he is all about the Nazi jokes because he is an ignorant jackass.  Now, he even has one of the other guys, who was actually super awesome, doing the same shit.  I hate it!

And onto other news...Andrew, yes, you guessed it, the guy I love and have been talking about since this blog's inception, is coming home probably next weekend.  Let me tell you why this terrifies me.  I have decided recently that, no matter what, I am going to tell him I love him and, if he lets me, why I ran.  Genny is giving me till the end of October to do so or she will find a way to do it herself.  I am so freaked out by this because I have no clue what he is going to do.  I don't know if he'll hate me because I didn't say it the night he told me he loved me or if he'll be alright with it.  I don't know what will happen and I don't like it.  I have never been able to predict what that boy will do, but I can't keep hiding it anymore.  It hurts way too much to keep it inside.  I am tired of playing the guessing game when it comes to how he feels about me.  He makes me think he still has feelings for me, but then when he called me to tell me he broke up with his girlfriend, he said something about telling me this as a friend.  I don't know what to do with shit like that!  I want to walk right up to him and say, "So...I'm in love with you and have been for a really long time now.  Thoughts?  Reactions? Go."  However, the likelihood of my being ballsy enough to do it...not so good.  I have little confidence that I will be able to go through with telling him anything, but I have to remember to be strong and just do it anyways because I will forever hate myself if I don't.  If he hate me and breaks my heart all over again, I have a bunch of friends waiting in the wings with duck tape and good puzzle skills.  I am confident that this is something I have to do no matter the outcome, which is scary as hell, but true.  I told his mom of my plan.  She is worried about us both getting hurt and I can't blame her because I am too.  If all else fails, I'll write him a damn letter or a Facebook message, though I really, REALLY don't want to go there.  I kind of feel like I need to see his face if I am going to get any clear answers.  I am so scared that he'll hate me and never want to talk/see me again, but I have hope that he won't and that's really all I can do until the time comes for me to throw myself on the metaphorical sacrificial alter.  Yes, i am feeling a bit dramatic today, how ever did you guess?

Other than all that, nothing is really new and/or exciting in my world.  I worry about all my families.  I worry about Ben because he has seemingly dropped off the face of the fucking planet and isn't returning any of my messages which is cause for concern considering what happened the last time we stopped talking.  I hate being this attached to him, but he was my life raft after me and Andrew split and we have a bit of a connection because of it.  I love him--not like Andrew, I'll never love anybody like I love Andrew--and I need him back.  I just don't want anything to happen to him/I don't want him to do anything incredibly stupid like last time.  I am just so worried about what is keeping him from talking to me right now.  I hope he isn't falling again because this life raft only has so much rope to give him and letting him go is just too much to ask me to do without a serious fight.  I feel strangely tied to Ben.  I have known him for so long and we have become so close over the past year.  We tell each other everything, even things we tell no one else and it is scary to think about losing him, especially losing him to himself and his own stupidity.  I trust him with my life and with my heart and I feel like I need him to survive because if he doesn't, then I won't either.  It is a strange sensation.

Well that is all I have for now.  I will keep you updated on the Andrew situation as it progresses.