34

Strange emotions have been flitting through my mind for the few days.  It's like its snowing feelings in my brain and they are congregating together on the ground in there melting into one giant, nameless thing I can't control.  Yes, I realize this all sounds like an application to a psych ward, but I swear...I'm just being a titch melodramatic because...well...I can.  It's a power thing. What can I say?

Anyway, my emotions really have been all over the place lately...could be just because I'm a girl and Mother Nature HATES me right now, but that's just too easy.  For instance, my sister and I were just having a somewhat pleasant conversation about the follies and craziness of our parent's relationship when there was a slight break and I thought I would make her happy about telling her about my New Year's Resolution.  Did my wonderful news have the desired effect?  Not in the least.  She basically dismissed me out of hand and left.  What was my reaction?  Well let me tell you it wasn't to go give her a hug.  I wanted to 1) bitch her out for being a heartless ass hole, 2) punch her in her cute little button nose (which I am totally jealous of, by the way) and 3) cry because my sister wasn't going to support me which, let's face it, was all I was actually looking for here.  I just wanted for once in my life for my big sister who I have basically idolized my entire life to say, "that is a great idea, Kerstin.  I'm sure you'll be much happier now."  What did I get? "You've been saying this for years, Kerstin.  It's not going to happen now."  You want to hit her too?!  Weird...  I get that I have been saying that I want to get over Andrew for years now, but I have never actually decided to do it because I was still holding onto the crazy prayer that we would be together and life would be just swell.  Lucky for me (and the rest of the sane world), I have since come to my senses and realized a happily ever after that involves Andrew and I ending up together is not in the cards...ever.  I just don't understand why my sister can't support my efforts.  This is the first time I have ever actually WANTED to get over Andrew, and I'm going to do it too...it's already working because I don't think of him every day like I used to and when I catch myself doing it, I put the kibosh on that but quick.  So yippee for me!!!

That is what has been making me happy these days...the whole PLAN succeeding finally.  Next, I just need to start dating, which is something my girls at work are more that happy to help me with.  I'm fairly certain, they are compiling lists of eligible men for me.  Ahh...it's good to be so loved. :-)

In other happy news, I am reading a whole big bunch of Susan Andersen romance novels and they make me incredibly happy.  At the same time, they make me feel like a silly, stupid grade-school girl.  For example, in the latest read, Coming Undone, the bad guy threatens to cut the heroine's hair and I just about tried to jump through the pages to save them....  Yeah, it was pathetic, I'll admit it, but the guy is crazy and totally untrained so it's not as though he was planning on giving her a flattering graduated bob or anything....  He was going to HACK her hair off.  All I was thinking was that I would all kinds of Amazon Warrior Goddess on anyone who tried to hack my hair off to teach me a lesson and that's exactly what I wanted to do to the fictional character I was reading about.  It's ok, feel free to judge...I know I deserve it.  Also, when same creepy bad guy sent the heroine a snake in a box, I tossed my nook to the furthest edge of my bed as if the snake would slither its icky, ICKY, ICKY body from the digital pages.  Pathetic, I know, but I accept that I am not the most rational person in the world when it comes to my books.  I am the type of girl who gets mesmerized by the story and forgets that while I may be reading about snow and frolicking deer in my book...it's actually 110 degrees outside and the nearest wildlife is the feral cat outside the office's back door.

Well, if you'll please excuse me, I need to keep reading to see if the heroine saves her hair. (Yes, I stopped reading to post this...again, I deserve the judging...bring it on.)

Yours always,
The snow-drift emotional K

33)

I realized the other day that I had yet to make a New Year's resolution and I feel that was rather poor form of me.  Guess what it is.  Go on, I dare you...guess.  No...? Fine, you're no fun.  I had a realization the other day that while I will always carry him in my heart and a part of me will forever love him, I need to take the rose-colored glasses off and realize that Andrew really wasn't that awesome of a guy.  Sure he was a super long-distance boyfriend, but in the years that we spent together before that, I refused to see that we just weren't compatible.  His life is going in such a different direction than mine.  I want to be happy again and I want to find love again.  Both of these things cannot be accomplished if I keep him in the forefront of my brain for the rest of my life.  I need to stop wondering what he feels about me, if he thinks of me, if he misses me, or if he even wants to see me ever again.  If I am ever going to dig myself out of the ditch I dug for myself over the course of the past three years...that's right it's been three years, stop judging...I have to focus on my future and that is a future that WILL NOT feature him.  This is really just a long-winded way of saying that my resolution is to get over Andrew and I'll be damned if I fail.  My plan for doing so?

1. I will no longer mention him in my posts unless he is crucial to whatever story I am attempting to convey.
2. I will no longer try to find out anything about his personal life (i.e. if he is dating someone.)
3. I will actively not think about him a little more each day until it become a passive function.
4. I will date other people and put myself out there because, let's face it, I'm 23 and I girls gotta have her fun sometime.
5. I will not compare any man I date to Andrew.
6. I will not date "replacement" Andrews. (i.e. guys who remind me of Andrew or remind my friends of Andrew if I am choosing to be blind to the fact.)

Let us all hope this actually works out and I find happiness within myself.  On that note...I WANT TO GO BACK TO EUROPE NOW!!!!!  I have a client at work who is going to Europe with her husband in a few weeks and she got me talking about all the places she needs to see and all the food she needs to eat and it makes me miss it so incredibly much!!  I have decided that I am going to start saving up money and I will do a study abroad in Ireland within the next two years.  This means I need to get my finances under control and that is a bit of a daunting task.  I need to fix my credit, get out of debt, or at least get it down to a manageable figure, and I need to start budgeting.  My new position at work is making this a titch easier because I did end up getting a slight raise and I have more hours per week!  Other than the recent rise in office drama that will hopefully wind down prior to my going crazy all over my co-workers, I am still completely enamored with my job. Today I had two clients come in just to say "hi" to me.  It's times like that that make me realize how lucky I am to be in a position to get women who may be having a horrible day when they sit down in my chair and be able to turn that day around with a lot of fun conversation and a jaunt through the lovely world of cosmetics.

I have started my absolute final semester at SCC and boy has it kicked off with a BANG.  Second day of my Philosophy of Sex class with Dr. Pervy-Old-Man, the professor decided to tell the class that he once thought it would be a dandy idea to have sex with the family dog at age thirteen and that he has gone to a slew of therapists throughout his life--whether or not the two events are related was not clarified, but I'm thinking the former was brought up during the latter.  I cannot even begin to explain how uncomfortable that made me.  I realize the purpose of this class is to get people to think, but that sure-as-hell wasn't an image I needed implanting itself in my subconscious.

Genny comes home for a couple of days on Wednesday so we can go see the midnight showing of "One for the Money" and, yes I do realize how very lame that makes us, but we LOVE these books.  Janet Evanovich is our favorite author and I really need her to find the elixir to life so she can at least live long enough that I don't go without reading material before my eyes fall out of my head.  Also, I am unacceptable excited about the Girl Scout cookies I ordered from the adorable little girl that came to my door.  Num, num!!  What can I say, I'm a fatty on the inside.  Speaking of, I have decided that I really need to get back into shape.  I want to be able to run for more than ten seconds and not feel like I'm sucking up a lung with each breath.  Sad as it may be, I think that will also help with my self-confidence.  I know I should be happy in my own skin, no matter how much there is of it, but I find those days to be fewer and farther in between and that is NOT ok.  So, it's high time I do something about it instead of wishing and hoping the weight just randomly decides its tired of my company and leaves of it's own doing.  I had a membership to a gym...I went once and I had it since September...pathetic, I know.

As, you can probably tell, I am in a no-holds-barred, kick-my-own-ass-into-shape-and-not-just-physically-speaking kind of mood.  It's going to work this time.  I am going to make myself a schedule.  I am going to take the dogs for a walk every day until I can start running with them.  I am going to work out on that infernal contraption in our garage. I am going to put myself on a budget. I am going to stick to my guns.  And finally, I sure as hell am going to get over Andrew and start dating again.

Yours,
The new self-improvement Barbie (aka Kerstin)

32

Happy New Year, babies!!  It is the second day of the new year and I'm hoping its going just dandy for the rest of you.  I have been sick for the last three days and that means I'm being super, SUPER whiny and needy...its good times for all involved.

Well, it's been settled.  I am going to go to ASU in the Fall...I would be going this semester, but the jerkfaces want my UA transcripts and I  keep trying to tell them they really, REALLY don't but they just won't listen.  I feel they are being stubborn and they are probably thinking the same thing about me.  I sent them my SCC transcripts...that should really be enough, but NOOOOOOO...they are being snarky.  However, they are not being snarky to my sister.  CAYLIN IS GOING TO ASU THIS SEMESTER!!!!!  I am so incredibly proud of her!! (Note: there is no sarcasm intended in that statement at all.)

In other news, I love my job and as soon as my background check clears, I get to be a Key Holder again!  I am so excited!  That means that I'll be getting more hours at least on a regular basis.  I have missed being a Key since I left Tucson and now I get to be one again.  I swear if this falls through, I may just go on a frelling rampage!  It probably won't mean that I get a raise, but I think I can deal with that considering I'm already one of the highest paid associates in the store because of Tucson.  I feel bad for my boss lady though.  She is going through so much right now that she really doesn't deserve.  She has no energy and no attention span with which to deal with anything that she has to at work.  I have been trying to help as much as possible, but until I have full access to the computer there is only so much I can do.  I am, as she calls me, the Visual Diva so I am in charge of keeping everything to schematic in the store and in the back room.  As a matter of fact, the new district manager gave me the chore to organize the back room and label everything so it has a specific place to live and everyone knows where that place is.  The only problem with that, is that she wants it done by the fifth and I have a floor set to do on Wednesday...the fourth, so when am I supposed to get this done?  I'm a touch stressed about it.

Other than that, I am a touch sad about my bestie ditching me for Mickey Mouse for eight months a WEEK FROM TOMORROW.  We haven't even had our Christmas together yet.  I need to get a few good pictures of her and I together so that I can make her her going away present.  The plan is to get her either one "friends" frame or a few of them and put our pictures in it so she can have them in her room.  And of course, I'll get her one of our favorite cards because that's just what we do.  I am going to miss her like a crazy person, but I'll be going over there for the weekend at the end of January so that'll be nice.

Other than that, Andrew is acting like he used to around me now and can actually smile at me and maintain eye contact and will voluntarily be in the same room with me now.  The only downside to this plan is that I fall for him all over again when he smiles at me...its dangerous.  I am trying to avoid Adam because he is just irritating me these days and I don't want to encourage him into thinking we are back to what we were because we NEVER will be.  He thinks he knows me and he truly doesn't.  He tries likes to tell me about Andrew just to see my reaction and he thinks he knows how I feel about it, but he definitely doesn't and he only pisses me off.

Other than that, I am reading a bunch of romance novels before bed and just got finished watching a chick flick so now I've decided that I want to marry an Irish guy and live happily ever after.

Hopefully, everything starts leaning more toward the happy side here within the next few weeks.
Loves and hopeful happiness,
K, the ever-sprightly. <3