42

Well, I was just reading the intro to my last post.  Yeah...it's been quite a while since I've updated this nonsense.  I would love to give you some lame ass excuse as to why I have sucked on the blog front, but let's face it...I'm just incredibly lazy.  Telling you I've been busy living my life is a lie and we all know that.  I could legitimately say I've been reading a lot...that's true, but I've been slacking on the writing.

So...yeah...there was kissy-kissy with Andrew which was wonderful, but then he decided that was done and it stopped.  I'm not a huge fan of that plan of action, but the boy gets to make his own choices. After my first puppy died--more on that cry-worthy topic later--he  and I had a falling out because he said nothing to me and his ENTIRE household did.  I was pissed because the one guy I was kissing and talking to on a regular basis was the one guy that said nothing to me when I really needed him too.  Honestly, I was hurt, and we all know how well I handle that shit, don't we.  Basically, we stopped talking for a while after that and things went back to being weird, at best, between us.  He began the avoiding thing again, and I did the whole fine-then-I'll-just-ignore-your-dumb-ass thing again.  It seems to be my defense mechanism where he's concerned.  I don't really know how to compartmentalize my emotions when he's in the picture and that scares me.  He's like a shot of adrenaline to my system with a few doses of the happy thrown in for good measure.  The part that sucks is that after we have a fun hangout, I'm on emotional uppers when he talks to me right after that, but then, as always, he stops responding to me and then it's depression central.  I don't know how to get it under control, but I think it might be slowly driving me insane.  He likes to keep me on the hook because he knows I love him, I'm sure.  I think he still loves me too, but I may never actually know for sure because we keep dancing around each other in this sick emotional tango and I still am no closer to understanding it than I was four years ago when we broke up.  At least now we can be in the same room and not have it be a complete disaster like it used to be when the wounds were still fresh.

Also, on the kissy-kissy front...David kissed me a few weeks ago when he was in town from California visiting his family.  That was delightful.  I seem to have a thing for my friends' brothers.  There are other guys in the world, but apparently I ignore them all.  It was apparently super awkward for both of our sisters who were in attendance at the time of the kisses.  Part of me just doesn't care because I really wanted to kiss him.  I like David.  He's a great guy, not perfect, but awesome nonetheless.  He's hilarious, can cheer me up on my worst days, and understands me fairly well, which is big because that shit never happens.  I love most of our conversations--pretty much because we talk about sex most of the time.  My one issue with this whole non-relationship is just that...the non status of it.  To be fair, we are both reluctant to enter into any sort of relationship with one another because of our relationships with his sister, but he is sooooooooooo against anything even remotely smacking of a relationship with me.  I'd like to think it's not personal, but who knows.  I know he's been seriously messed up by relationships in the past, to the point where I can't even begin to understand it, but I'm not the people that messed him up.  I have my own bundle of issues he tries to understand, but I don't know if he truly does.  Because our sisters give me crap about it every time we are all in the same room, I finally asked Katie about it.  She said she just wants to see us both happy, but because she views me as a little sister and he is her big brother, the whole kissing episode was a bit weird for her.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't see her point of view.  Everything is just so difficult with this whole non-relationship.  He doesn't want me to get attached, but he wants to screw my brains out--a plan I am not totally opposed to.  I don't want to get attached either, but it is for entirely different reasons.  I am scared that if I do anything even remotely sexual with him that I will start getting more emotionally invested than I already am.  It's fairly easy to hide the attachment from David because we always have our conversations via text and he can interpret everything I say through his own filter in whatever way is most convenient for him.  We don't go any deeper than sex talk and the basic social niceties in our conversations and that can get kind of frustrating.  We'll talk everyday, all day for a week or so, and then abruptly stop until he wants to talk some more.  I am not going to beg for more than that.  He's made it abundantly clear he really only wants sex from me and I wouldn't mind that from him either, but I know that I wouldn't be able to keep my emotions out of it and that would ruin everything.  So now, my goal is to simply stay friends and try to avoid getting in deeper than I already am.  Again, being a virgin ruins things for me all the damn time.  I sometimes wish I could just get rid of it and not care, but I know it means too much to just throw away on someone who won't appreciate it.  I know David would, but I also know I can't separate the emotion from it and that would send him running for the hills and ruin our friendship.

I apparently started this post a few months ago and things have CHANGED...  On the David front, I went out to see him back in March for a few days.  I should have known that our conversations would leave me wanting him a whole big bunch, but I was a titch naive and told him nothing would happen between us other than some light fondling.  What a load of crap that ended up being!!  We had sex about five times the first night I was there.  I have no self-control...it's a problem.  However, remember all that worrying I was doing about getting all attached and gross with him if we were to have sex?  Yeah, that definitely didn't happen.  The sex was great and I'd love to have more of it...probably not with him though because he got weird.  However, after spending a few days with him I have come to realize a few things.  1) I really like morning sex and cuddling....A LOT! 2) David and I are incredibly incompatible.  Yeah, we are both broken, but it's in completely different ways.  I want love and relationships that may end up breaking my heart, but I know that if I don't take the risk, I'll end up alone and bitter and that's definitely NOT on my Bucket List.  He has taken the opposite course after his broken hearts.  He wants to be bitter and cynical and unattached for now, but every now and then you can catch a hint of longing when he talks about his sister's impending nuptials.  I want someone who isn't afraid to love back with everything they have, but can still be an independent person.  I want someone who thinks I am worth risking it all for and I want someone who compels the same risks from me.  Don't get me wrong, I definitely don't regret David being my first.  Like I said, the sex was great, but that's all it was for us.  The only time we were close, was when we were fooling around in bed.  He was great with me and I'm happy it happened.  My only wish is that things hadn't gotten so weird the last day.  Like I said, the first night=sex five times and a whole big bunch of orgasms...the boy has great hands.  The next day when we woke up, we went at it again a couple of times, took a shower and then went to the Redwoods.  That night, we played Scrabble with his roommates--who I LOVE!--and then I went to bed while he hung out for a little longer.  I was understandable exhausted and he had kind of pissed me off a little bit with his jerky tendencies that night, so no sex.  The next day, woke up with more sex and then exploring San Francisco   That night I hung out with his roommates and watched movies while he went to bed early so again, there was no sex.  My last day there...we slept, no cuddling in the morning-which was generally a precursor to sex, which I was looking forward to--no sex, barely any conversation, packing, and then a drive to the airport.  When he dropped me off, he gave me a kiss on my neck and said I was welcome back anytime.  I felt weird about it and text him later to ask about it to which he replied that he wasn't being weird, but he was sorry I thought he was and that it was probably just in my head.  We haven't talked since except when I asked him about the wine we had on night 1--Gurner Veltiner...go get some.  I don't know why he pulled back so much, but whatever, I don't want a relationship with him, I just wanted a bit more fun.  The only downside to this whole sex thing is that even though I had my period--yes, over-share, I know, you'll be fine--I have been paranoid about being pregnant.  No, I don't know why.  No, I haven't talked to him about it, although I was thinking about doing that on April Fool's Day, but I thought that was a sure-fire way to get a cosmic bitch slap and end up preggers.  I've only talked to a few people about it and one of them was a total mistake to tell because now Adam keeps asking me about it, but I was emotional and crazy...I can't be held accountable for such a mistake.  Oh well...

Anyways...enough procrastinating for me today.  I have to go write my papers which were due a week or more ago.  Writers block is a heartless bitch and has had her nasty ass talons in me all semester.  I WANT MY MOJO BACK!!!!

De-flowered and pissed (entirely unrelated attributes),
K

41)

Holy crap balls!! I have such news for you! As we all know, I'm devastatingly and hopelessly in love with Andrew. Well...he kissed me last night (Wednesday). It was the strangest thing ever. By strange, I mean random and AMAZING!
He called me last night around 11:30 to come pick him and Nate up because his car ran out of gas. So I did. After we got the gas, I left straight away and went back home. In hindsight, I should have stayed to make sure that worked because I got another call asking me to just take them home. Of course I did, because I like to test to see if my nice side still works. Andrew said I had to go in to hang out for a little bit and have a glass of wine, so I did. I ended up having two glasses of yummy wine and then we all went outside so the boys could smoke their cancer sticks. We spent about three hours talking about nothing and everything all at the same time. Nate and I made fun of Andrew because he has those silly tosie shoes. Then Andrew was about to tell me something his brother had told him but then decided not to so as not to rat his brother out (screw that, just rat him out!). Nate went inside and I stood up to go look for a bottle of water and Andrew got up too. He said something along the lines of "see if this will help you understand" and then he just grabbed me and kissed me. We hugged-my brain was suddenly out of commission so I don't really know what all happened at this point- and then Nate came back outside. I went inside for the water and Andrew followed me into the back room.
Here's where things get really interesting. He kept saying how shy he is. He also said something along the lines of "since we met, you've been a focal point in my life". He told me how he came to a bunch of the badminton games just to see me and that I should think about what that means. Well, HEEEEELLLLLLOOOOOO...my brain vacated my damn body the moment his lips touched mine. I'd love to go with this meaning he still loves me, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I need to find out if he just did it because he was drunk, or what. When Nate was around after Andrew kissed me, Andrew started talking about some other girl and was being all kinds of cryptic about it. That's when I said goodnight and went home. I sent him a message on Facebook that said, "So...you kissed me last night. Thoughts? Reactions?"
Any who...that's my amazing news! I hope all of you have amazing news too!
Confused and excited,
K

40

Hey, hey beauties.  For starters...we should all be kind of proud of me.  I haven't killed anyone since my last post.  It was getting kind of sketchy there for a bit, but I pooled all my self-control and managed not to succumb.

Funny story...well my sister thought it was hilarious at least.  So I fell down a few stairs last week...literally a week ago from today, and I hit me knee on either one of the steps or the ground I was trying to reach safely.  Since that day, my snarky knee has been hurting and maintained a swollen status.  The pain is getting worse and I think I may have just gotten used to the whole swollen thing because I think it's been getting better, but apparently I am the only one who feels that way.  I HATE my doctor's office.  It's like they compiled all the little shits just out of med school and put them in one office to piss me off and give me no help.  The receptionists are even little ass holes.  They just told me to go to urgent care because they would have to send me for x-rays anyway...there is an x-ray place right-fucking-below them, but I should go to Urgent Care or the ER so i can sit around for three freaking hours for them to tell me to ice it and schedule an appointment with my primary care physician...I'm going to go ahead and pass on that one, but thanks.  How did I manage to fall, you ask?  Here's the thing...I have weak ankles and they like to roll out from under me every once and a while, generally not while I am on stairs, but apparently they thought it would be fun to mix it up this Independence Day.  I am not the type of person who rolls down stairs when I fall.  No, no...one leg goes out straight in front of me while the one with the rolling ankle went underneath me.  I'm pretty sure i did some semblance of the splits...thank goodness I was wearing pants and not a skirt because that could have gotten awkward pretty fast.  This episode also took place at the mall in which I work.  I was incredibly lucky to have gotten the opening shift that day and that none of the geriatric walkers were out and about on that particular morning.  Nobody was around, in fact, to witness this embarrassing moment of my life, but I'm sure it'll happen again when more people are around.  I probably should have just gone to the ER as my mother suggested the following day, but I generally bounce back from injury rather quickly and I super dislike hospitals...or any medical building really.  Perhaps it stems from an irrational fear that the evil doctors will jump out at me and give me a shot with the biggest needle they can find.  And now you all think I'm a nut job...I don't blame you, but know this: I HATE needles and I'm not particularly fond of the people wielding them either.  Aaaannny hoodle, because I feel like my knee looks kinda strange I have decided that I a just going to suck it up and make an appointment with my stupy-poopy doctors and be done with it.


That's what has been plaguing me the most as of late, but we all know boys do the same damn thing to me too.  So I haven't heard from either guy for a WHILE now and it was slowly driving me crazy.  The fact that I dream about Andrew often tempered that one a bit, but the other one has been incognito for THREE weeks now and I hate it.  I am over the addiction to our conversations, but I still miss him.  Because I am so damn proud, I have basically refused to be the first one to talk to him.  Our last conversation was stupid anyway and it's like pulling teeth to get him to try having a normal conversation, so I think it's better if I just let him decide when he wants to talk to me instead of basically begging for what ever conversation scraps he throws my way (Yes, I'm being melodramatic and completely overstating the situation, but it's my blog so it's allowed).


Other than those little treasures that have been plaguing my days, life seems to be doing pretty well.  I am so freaking excited because in two weeks I get to not only go to California with Caylin and our next door neighbor, Cole, but best friend is going to spend two of the three days we are in San Diego with us!!  We are taking Cole to Sea World, the beach and the aquarium.  It's going to be awesome.  And then, about three weeks after that, I am going out to Anaheim to get bestie and bring her home!  She is planning all of the things we are going to do while I'm there for a week.  There is a suspicious lack of packing involved in these plans which makes me laugh because I know all of this packing is going to get done at about two in the morning while we are drinking the night before she has to be out of there.  It's going to be AWESOME!  Packing while tipsy...I highly recommend it.  It makes it a much less arduous affair and that is always a good thing. :-)


I am going to go buy more of my school books for this semester, so I guess I should go.  I know, I'm sad to say goodbye too.  Just know you are loved...not necessarily by me, but you are.


That's all for now,
K

39)

Dear men in my life,
I don't understand you and I wish I could simply give up on trying, but that seems to be an impossible feat. Why is it so incredibly difficult for you to see that all I really want is a conversation every once and a while. I just want to know that you think of me from time to time. I want to feel wanted...to feel cherished, but neither one of you seem to be able to do that. Isn't it pathetic? Here I sit wishing either of you would talk to me...shockingly, not so much Andrew right now as the other. I swear I tried to stay unattached, but his personality made that impossible. It's not like I've fallen for him, but I can't even attempt to convey how much I just miss talking to him. Just joking around. Yeah, I miss the sex talks too...those were fun, but mostly, just the everyday kind of talk we used to do. This guy has turned my heart or brain in knots and I can't seem to untangle them. He's a great guy, but how am I supposed to just accept that he doesn't seem to want me anymore after telling me he's wanted me since high school? That's not fair. I wish I could be as unaffected by his absence and his apparent reticence to even attempt to maintain a conversation with me as he is, but I'm not. I want it back. I don't know what i'm going to do about him, but i'll try to keep this updated.
In closing, boys...you are dumb and its hurting me now, so just give me a little clarification and we can all go home happier people.
Sincerely,
Saddened and Lonely K

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38

Hia kiddos!  I sure hope your life hasn't been too boring in my absence. (Yes, that was sarcasm. No, I don't give myself that much credit.  To assume that I am your soul source of entertainment would be ridiculous...and make you look really pathetic, which I'm sure you're not.)

What have I been up to since my last post?  Hmmm...well I failed some classes at SCC, and by fail I mean I got a C and a D, the other two were As, so we're good.  I figured that since ASU didn't actually need the transcripts for that last semester and I really didn't want to go to those classes, who cares, right?  Yeah, that'll probably come back to bit me in the ass.  Until that happens...moving on.  I did get my id for ASU...I look like crap, oh well, only hundreds of people are likely to see it.  Here's what keeps me from "accidentally" losing it and going to get another one...that crappy, Crappy, CRAPPY picture is going to make me look really good in person.  DAY SAVED BY LOGIC!  Let's see...what else?  I keep losing track of where I was planning on going with this.  Obviously, the new plan is just to spew every thought I have while I write this.

Boy news:  There are two, well there where when I started this a week and a half ago.  Now, I'm pretty sure there aren't any.  Of course I still love Andrew, but that isn't going any where any time soon.  We had fun in Vegas together for his sister's wedding though.  We held hands which he later apologized for...I thought it was hilarious and frustrating all at the same time, but those are normally my emotions concerning all of our interactions.  He grabbed my ass at one point...didn't apologize for that one.  Interesting boy.  He'll apologize for the cute stuff, but for the inappropriate, nope.  Not gonna happen.  One of these days I will find out that boy's thought process.  The other one is/was my friend's brother (apparently, crushing on my friend's brothers is my thing).  He's a great guy honestly, but he also lives in California.  We did the whole "I like you, well that's funny because I like you too" thing about three weeks ago.  Since then, we talked everyday, basically all day until about four days ago when Operation Silence commenced.  It's his thing.  I don't know why we aren't talking right now and part of me doesn't care--that part is named Pride, she's kind of a huge bitch--but another part is 1) super curious and 2) a little upset by it.  What does this mean?  I have no idea.  If this is his way of calling whatever it was that we were doing off, then ok, but I'd appreciate a little notice.  If he needs a little time to sort his shit out, again, totally cool with that plan, but just say so.  Seriously, what is it with the male population I've had the pleasure of dealing with and their insistence that Operation Incognito is a good plan when dealing with a woman/girl/lady?  Guys...it's a super shitty plan; please concoct a new one, thanks.  Because my pride is a super righteous ass hole these days, my plan seems to be just to wait it out and if he decided to grace me with his conversations soon, awesome.  If not, well that's unfortunate, but I'll deal with it.  He was the one who said not to get attached, so I didn't get attached...well no more than I had been before.  He is one of my friend's big brother...so attachment happens, but only in a friendly sort of way.  I just miss the playfulness of our conversations, but, again, I'll deal.  I'll just read more.  There problem solved...kinda. ;-)  He said we can't have a relationship and I agreed, because, well, we really can't.  He lives super far and isn't planning on moving back any time soon and I would never ask him to, nor would I move for a prospective relationship.  **NOTE: If I ever do move for a prospective relationship, smack me upside the head until the realization of my stupidity sinks in.  Thank you.**  I would love to be the girl he needs me to be, but while I am a virgin and don't actually know what will happen emotionally when I do FINALLY have sex, I do know that I will not be able to keep emotions out of the equation.  I cannot compartmentalize my emotions so I could just keep the emotions in the sack...not happening and that's what he says he wants.  I totally get that he is probably afraid of committed relationships because of a super crappy relationship history, however, we weren't talking committed anything...just play.

On a side note, what is it with guys and wanting naked/topless pictures?  I am so not the girl to ask for this.  I have seen the dangers of this in person to a few of my friends and some of my friend's exes...not happening to me, thank you.  Do you really think these guys delete the pictures when you break up?  Nope.  What happens if their friends/family is going through their phone?  I'm gonna pass, thanks.  Use your imagination and jerk off to that or, better yet, they make porn for a reason kids...don't waste it.  Watch all those people do the things I won't let you and stop asking.  Also, talking dirty...not a skill I really know how to use.  I enjoy hearing it, but come on...I'm a virgin, what experience do I have to go on here?  Give me a pen and paper and I will write you a fairly explicit story, but that whole in the moment thing...my attempts are probably laughable...my subconscious sure got one hell of a kick out of it.  Call me a prude if you want, but I get super embarrassed so all of my dirty talk attempts...are epic fails.  Yeah, I know what turns me on, but expressing it is a whole different story.  Again...my virginity sucks sometimes.  I will wear it like the badge of honor everyone seems to think it is, but that is soooooo not how I see it.  I get it, don't just randomly sleep with the first dick you meet in a bar--hehehe, yes, that pun was intended. you missed it? go back and read it again...--but the few guys, ok, two, I actually want to not sleep with are nowhere to be found.  **Keep in mind I am not including the few celebrities my clothes would literally fall off for...that number would go up...a bit.**

I got a bit off track there.  I was shocked too.  Related to the school update above, I am taking five classes in the fall.  I am pretty excited about it.  However, I went ahead and threw a wrench into the mix because I signed up for a class that STARTS at 7:30am...that's in the MORNING for those slow kids in the back who missed that.  Anyone who has ever had the pleasure of attempting to talk to me in the morning knows how super pleasant (<=sarcasm) I am.  My day should never start before 7:30am...that's when I get up to take a shower...well that's when my alarm goes off, my getting up at the time is in no way directly related to that event.  I have about 15 minutes in between each class and with the way I walk, this doesn't seem like it'll be an issue, but I am going to be sweaty and gross during the summer months...meaning until finals week.  Also, the book lists for these classes makes me weep!  The 7:30 class is the only one that has only one book so I can't drop it now...not that I was going to.  The next lowest is three, then five, six and finally, nine.  REALLY PEOPLE?! NINE BOOKS FOR ONE CLASS?! WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH? I am a fairly nice person and that seems excessive, but I can't get too mad about that one...it's for an Arthurian Literature class *insert freakishly excited dance here* The only thing I can think of when I see my book list for my classes is, "Holy shit, I am going to have to write a bunch of papers.  I bet my teachers will all get together and make them due on the same day just to fuck with me.... Those rat bastards."  I am so excited to be that teacher!!!

Back to boy news. I started this post yesterday and got a little more wordy than I'd intended so I didn't get to finish.  Because I super enjoy contradicting myself a few hours after making a decision, I text guy#2 last night and started a conversation with "It's been a while" with an undertone of "WHY THE FUCK HAVEN'T YOU BEEN TALKING TO ME AFTER YOU  GOT ME ALL ADDICTED TO YOU SCINTILLATING CONVERSATION?!"  So now we are talking again.  It's not super playful, but at least it's a conversation and that's all I need right now.  I also saw Andrew last night and his best friend Nate.  I hid their shoes because they left them out.  Nate left his right in front of the door and that's just impolite and I didn't want him to feel picked on so I hid Andrew's too... hehehe Mom helped and it was awesome.  Andrew is doing that thing where he can't really be in the same room as me for long periods of time and barely says anything to me, but whatever.  The boy still gets up when I tell him to and gives me a hug when I leave even though he has said several times that he won't do that anymore. BWAHAHAHAHAHA...I win.

Alright kiddos, I'm sure you have just about gotten your fill of my snarky ass, so I will leave you for the time being.  Enjoy your life.  I hope it's filled with naps and a lack of stupidity.

37)

This one is going to start out a little...well a lot sad, and then you will probably start yelling at me to pull my head out of my ass.  I'm going to go ahead and tell you to brace yourselves now...it isn't going to happen, so try to keep it down or the neighbors are going to get upset.

Alrighty, so the sad news is that my wonderful boss lost her baby the other day.  She was due in about four months, but last week she started leaking amniotic fluid and the doctors put her on bed rest.  Here's the thing about my dearest Kimmy-kins...her+bed rest=lots and lots of stress because she hates being stagnant. Well, the thing about the baby-making process is that stress isn't such a great thing.  Unfortunately, she started bleeding the other day and the doctors sent her home because there was nothing they could do, but then she started bleeding the next day again.  She sent us a text that said "I'm in labor now it's too soon for the baby to survive."  What do you say to that?!  I wanted to just cry for her.  She just started getting excited about this baby and then he was taken from her four months before she ever got to see him.  I'm sure it would have been so much more difficult for her if he had been carried to full term only for her to loose him then.  Now she says she is coming back to work next week and we are all super concerned.  I mean, I get it, she probably doesn't want to be left alone with her thoughts for too long and work will definitely take her mind off that.  However, she JUST lost a baby and I can't help to think that she isn't dealing with things that she needs to deal with.  I wish there were some way to help her, but I know there is nothing I can say that will take the pain away.  We have decided to just try and make work the best place in the world for her and we are going to try and make sure she knows we would do just about anything for her.

So that was the sad news.  I know, I want to cry too and it has nothing to do with the alcohol I am currently consuming.  Now onto the part that requires surgery that would remove my head from my ass.  Guess what the subject is.  Andrew?  How did you know?!  I'm that obvious?  How pathetic.  Aaaaannnndddd....I'm over it.  Yup, you guessed, I still love everything about him.  I have no idea if he's still dating that girl, but honestly, the mood I'm in right now, I just don't give a shit.  I would still screw him and say come what may.  All I am actually asking for here is just a kiss.  I really don't think that's too much to ask for.  I mean seriously, he smiles at me and I MELT like ice cream on the summer sidewalk.  He just keeps looking at me like he wants to slam me up against a wall and have his way with me, which, for the record, I am beyond ok with.  At his sister's bridal shower this last Saturday, I was basically holding a baby the entire time and he kept staring at me with a smile or strange look on his face.  If ever there were a time for those telepathic powers to kick in, that was it, but no.  I am left with far too much to ponder and way too much time in which to do so.  I  don't know if he still has as strong of feelings for me as I do him, but that is the question I really, REALLY want answered.  Of course, I still love him very much.  Most of my spare time and dreams/fantasies are about him, which just goes to show how incredibly pathetic I really am.  I can't stop thinking about him.  I try so hard and it never works.  I know I promised to keep him out of my thoughts and dreams, but we all knew I would be a big fatty failure face on that one.  I had to drop off a movie for Adam tonight so he could copy it and I just kept hoping that I would get to see Andrew all damn day.  Its really gross, but I just can't help it.  How do you fall out of love when you don't even know how you fell in love in the first place?! Am i just doomed to dream about him until the day I die?  I think that would be WILDLY unfair....  Tonight, I did a freaking happy dance just because his car was outside his house when I got there.  Then he started messing with me and I swear, I almost shat myself, I was so happy.  Yes, shitting yourself, is now a sign of true love...take notes.  I don't think I want to lose this feeling.  It's too amazing.  It keeps me smiling like and idiot even if it drives me batshit crazy...the good far outweighs the bad here.  I just want a taste...just one...unless that isn't enough, then I will probably get super greedy, but let's cross that bridge if we ever get to it--please let me get to it.

In news that will probably be music to your ears...well eyes.  I am going to start seeing a therapist.  I think it will be good for me if only to talk to someone who is totally unbiased.  I know I need help keeping my emotions in check because I can't keep having these crazy ass mood swings.  I feel like maybe if I just talk to some random third party about every thing that is bouncing around in my brain maybe it won't make me feel so freaking bonkers.  I know this is a long shot, but it is way better than sitting about with my thumb up my bum--yeah I went Canadian on you there, eh.

Other than that stuff, my life is actually pretty boring....Oh!  I did get into ASU for this upcoming Fall, so that is super exciting.  I just have to call them to make sure because I haven't gotten my letter yet and that is FREAKING me out.  Just another thing to go over with certified specialist with.  Not that this doesn't help, but let's face it, you kids are not here to actually help.  You are here because some of the shit that you read is somewhat amusing.  Don't worry, I won't quit my day job just yet....  This is the only place I can spew and not care if you guys judge me.  I am fully aware that it is very likely happening as I type this, but I have no proof and that keeps me happy.

Your true blonde,
K

36

WARNING: This post is going to start with a total over-share.  If that make you uncomfortable...you've probably been feeling that way for a while now and should be used to it so keep reading anyway.  Conflict, even interior conflict, build character.  That's right, I'm telling you to go out there and get in people's faces when they piss you off and don't back down.

Anyways...I just though I'd mention how different this period has been for me, in an unsettling way.  Normally, my emotions aren't in the shitter all the frelling time when the red tide's-a-runnin', but this time, it's like I'm on downers with anger issues the entire time.  I quite literally had to stop myself from punching one of the girls at work last night.  I was THIS close--ok you can't see, but my fingers are super close together over here.  Keep in mind, I already don't like this girl, but I love my job and pretty much everything about it, but yesterday, I wanted to break down and cry.  That's exactly what I did do when I was talking to my parents about it when I finally got home last night.  My mother made me take a super hot bath with music and lots of wine so I would calm down.

Also, my plethora of romance novels I've been reading lately are actually starting to make me feel better about my whole being a virgin thing.  However, the one I just finished reading made me a little scared to finally have sex.  The heroine--that's right, she's my hero in all these books, take it--got pregnant after having sex once when she'd waited until she was 26 to finally give it up.  I mean really...what's that about.  So not fair. Breath, yes I know these are fictional characters, but I know this happens.  It's not like they didn't used a fictional condom in they're fictional sex-fest--I'm making it sound way more juicy than it actually was.  Note: do not fall asleep with a guy still inside you even if he has a condom...my book says you're gonna get knocked up.

In related news...I'm slipping a little on the Andrew front. It's not on purpose!  The other week I was having a bad day and that's generally when I want to see him anyway because for some asinine reason he makes me feel better just by being there.  Don't ask me why, but he does..he's my tranquilizer and I really, REALLY needed it that day.  I was out driving--I don't even remember where too--and it took everything I had in me not to go to his house hoping he was there and just launch myself into his arms as if his holding me would solve all my problems when we all know it would only create more than I have time to deal with.  However, this seemed like a super awesome plan in my hormone addled brain at the time.  Don't worry, I resisted.  Since then, it's gotten a little better, but I still want to see him.  I really need closure and I really, REALLY need people to stop saying that the whole he avoids all contact, physical or otherwise, one visit and the next he make an effort to talk to me and smile and make eye contact means that he still has feelings for me.  I'll tell you what, if someone, and I really don't care who it is at this point, can tell me without a doubt that he still loves me and wants me, I will go straight to his house and plant a big kiss on him immediately following that revelation.  I am still trying to make a conscious effort to keep him out of my brain, but there are times when i just can't seem to win and he is always there--not physically, of course, but mentally the bastard won't leave me alone.  I know I can't actually blame Andrew for my brain/heart's reluctance to let him go, but it's not like I want to take the responsibility.  I have accepted that I will forever love him and that he will forever hold a piece of me, but I have also tried to accept that I need to move on and let him go with whatever piece of me he unknowingly holds.  I also know that should he ever read the words in these posts about him, I might just expire on the spot as though someone shot me point blank, but part of me really kinda hopes he does one day...preferably when I'm on another continent...

Why can't life be like the movies?  Most people get a happy ending one way or the other unless you're watching those independent films...or foreign films.  Other countries have it right when they make their films.  They aren't concerned with coddling the population.  They tell it like it is.  There are no happy endings in life.  That wouldn't be life.  The only people who actually have a good go of it are the liars and cheats and you have to figure they are dealing with some major stress trying to keep all their stories straight and worrying about what's going to happen next.  News flash: THERE ARE NO HAPPY ENDINGS, KIDS.  SUCK IT UP AND MOVE THE HELL ON.  Just put one foot in front of the other and eventually you can just call it a day.

Cynical in Scottsdale,
K