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Hello loves...

I'm sorry I went AWOL there for a bit...I was a bad blogger. :-(

So, updates time!

I got the apartment in Tucson...it's official!  Adam and I went down on Saturday to put the deposit down and we were approved.  Awesome(!) right? It was until I told my mother.  Not even an hour later, she called me back to tell me that I need to get a car loan for $6,800 to buy Franny from them.  They were planning on just signing the title over to me and I would continue making payments to them every month and get my own car insurance.  I am fine with that plan.  However, my mom is so pissed that this move to Tucson is real now that she seems to be trying to sabotage it.  She knows damn well that I can't afford to get a loan and that I am still trying to find a way to pay for school.  Does she give a shit?  It would seem not.  I don't know if this is just her way of trying to get me to stay with her at the house or if she is trying to make me loathe her, but she sure is making it hard for me to attempt to maintain a good relationship with her.  My dad knows that I can't afford to get a loan and I can't afford to get a new car.  He, last we talked, just wanted to sign the car over to me and I would still make the payments to them because he knows I can't get a new car or get approved for a loan.  He and I have been through this over and over again.  Well, I tried again to apply for loans again, and again I was denied.  Another thing, I checked how much I still owe on Franny and it's only about $5,200--a little over that--so why the hell am I applying for loans for $6,800?  I am starting to see a future without a mother-daughter relationship in it for me.  I really hope I am not like this with my kids.

Another super fun thing that's going on in my life...I am waiting to hear back from Coldwater Creek in Tucson for a job.  The pay is shit and so are the hours, but at this point, I will take what I can get.  I am freaking the hell out because the manager is calling around for my references but she has only gotten hold of Pam, who gave me a sparkling reference--I LOVE HER.  I sent Debbie a message on Facebook and hopefully she will get it soon because I know she will make me look amazing as well.  I sent Gary a text asking him to call the manager and give her a reference for me, but I haven't heard back from him.  I need a job, at least two really and I don't have one yet.  I am freaking the hell out right now!!!!

Hmmmm...oh yes, I cried myself to sleep again the other night over him.  Why?  Great question!  I'm not entirely sure.  All I know is that I was thinking about him all day Sunday and the emotions completely drained me.  It was depression overload and I'm not sure what brought it on.  Maybe I had a dream about him and just don't remember it...I don't know.  All I know is that I was incredibly out of it all day.  I just went through the motions while he went through my brain.  I was so drained that day that I went to bed at nine thirty--I NEVER DO THAT--and I just started bawling.  Yesterday, the fun continued when I went over to his house so Adam could make a copy a movie for me.  I sat down and was talking to Amber and their dad, when dad decided it was a fantabulous time to ask if he was going to be bringing his girlfriend home with him in a few weeks when he's home on leave.  I FELT LIKE MY HEART WAS IN A DAMN VICE GRIP!!!!!!  Even Amber saw it and gave me a sympathetic smile.  I almost broke down crying on the short drive to my house from theirs!  I asked Ben to take my mind off it, but he just asked me a bunch of questions about him...not a great way to get someone's mind off a person, just in case you were wondering.  I have been on the verge of tears since Sunday and I don't think I am going to last much longer without another cry to sleep.  I still have to have my talk with his mother about what happened between us.  She was under the impression that I had broken up with him...not really.  I am interested to hear why he said we broke up and what his mom has to say to the fact that I am in love with him.  I really want to have this talk with her, but she hasn't been home when I come over lately and I haven't been able to wait for her.  Also, I finally said the words that I am in love with his little brother and we had a little chat about it.  It wasn't anything big, but it was progress so that's good.

Two things I am actually excited for are my meeting with my adviser next Friday and going to Vegas for the first time that same day.  I am excited about meeting with my adviser because I will hopefully get most if not all of my questions answered and hopefully she will be able to help me find a way to finance this whole thing.  I am excited about Vegas because...well, it's Vegas, who wouldn't be excited?!  I am going with my sister for my cousin's wedding.  I hope beyond hope that weekend goes amazingly well!  If it doesn't, the universe and I are going to have a serious little chatsy about messing with Kerstin's sanity and how utterly rude that is.  I may just burn another note for the universe to read soon.

I am seriously concerned that this move isn't going to work out well.  I need this to work out.  I need to be able to pay for everything I need.  At this point, who the hell cares what the apartment looks like as far as decorating goes, I just need the basics right now.  We can get the rest as we go.  I need to just let go of these grand delusions of everything being perfect.  This is going to be my first apartment...it's going to be pretty ugly.  This is going to be my first experience away from home...it's going to be hell on my sanity and my bank account.  I will make this work though.  I will get a loan--at least one--and then I will apply for scholarships next time...EARLY!, I will get at least one job--most likely two, honestly.  I will pay my rent and bills on time--well with a day to spare on either side.  I will not fail Adam!  This WILL work!!!!!

I can always use your advice, so bring it on!  Pass it on in anyway you can!  PLEASE!!!! Especially on the finances and on boy I love.