29)

WHOA!!!!  What's this?! Two posts in one month by the infamous absentee blogger?!  MADNESS!!

And now that we've covered that....  So here's one thing you probably should have already gathered from my previous posts, but for those who are...shall we say...denser than the average reader, I'll just go ahead and spell it out for you--which doesn't actually have the same effect in writing as it does in speech, at least not when taken literally.  I am a sarcastic and cynical asshole.  If this offends you, we probably were't friends in the first place, so its all good.  With that having been said, I was thinking of writing a rather short self-help book and thought I would run what I got down at work the other day by you, so here it is...enjoy:


"It makes you wonder, doesn't it?  Why is it that every time you seem to find everything you think will make you happy, the universe suddenly pops up and pulls the rug out from under your feet and leaves you in shock flat on your ass and crying?
I actually know the answer to this one.  You see, you are just being a whiny twit.  It's not the universe pulling some imaginary rug out from under your feet; its you.  Now then, unless it was some sort of freak accident--no, your boyfriend breaking up with you, you getting a third traffic ticket this year, and/or waking up late so you miss your plane do NOT count as freak accidents, I was thinking more along the lines of getting struck by lightning, bitten by a radioactive insect, and/or suddenly acquiring Midas' touch--I can pretty much guarantee that what ever it was you have seen fit to blame on the universe also didn't happen "all of a sudden".
There were signs that your little Utopia was about to come crashing down all around you, but you didn't want to listen, or in the case of the deaf, see them, did you?  Noooooo...that wouldn't have made you happy and who can be unhappy in a Utopia?  No one, that's who.  So you purposefully ignored all signs pointing to reason, but inevitable doom.  You were in your little "happy bubble" with your delusional version of perfection to keep you warm and stupid.  I've got some disappointing news for you, my dear.  It turns out, "perfection" has some pretty sharp-ass edges, now doesn't it?  There is a bright side to all this melancholy though; once your delusional bubble has been popped, you will suddenly be able to pull your head from your ass and begin to use your brain once more...at least until the next time."


I sure do hope you enjoyed reading the beginning of my self-help book.  I was thinking the following pages would contain all those horrible saying your family and mine would throw in our faces when life got us down.  You know, just the really encouraging ones like, "suck it up, buttercup" or "walk it off" or even, "rub some dirt on it," oh, or even, "I stopped listening the second you started bitching."

Thoughts? Reflections?  Options for continuing, other chapters, content?

28

Let's get down to brass tactics, shall we?  I am kind of a dumbass when it comes to boys/men.  I'm sure if you've read...any of the other posts, you will have already gathered this fact and are now thinking to yourself, "Wow, she sure does like to state the obvious, doesn't she?"  To put that question to rest, yes, yes i do quite enjoy stating the obvious, but moving onto the the examples for which I am calling myself a dumbass...

The first being that I am still very much in love with Andrew, though I don't really want to get back together with him.  He keeps acting weird with me which, of course, sends my brain into crazy-girl mode and I'm not actually a fan of that mode despite my constant visits.  One day his family and I are sitting around the dinning room and we're all laughing and talking like the old times before Andrew and I got together in the first place.  I was all kinds of excited because I had seen that "spark" in his eyes.  He was smiling at me and speaking directly to me, even teasing me.  It was great.  Now he's gone back to not being able to be in the same room with me and seems to have gone so far as to avoiding entering the house when he sees Franny parked out front.  So that leaves me to assume that I am a delusional nit wit with issues regarding wishful thinking for "seeing" that damn spark.  You know what they say, sparks cause fires and then your ass gets burned.  However, it would be a lie to say that I didn't wish that fire would burn his clothes off so that I might see if screwing his brains out would get him out of my system.  Don't worry.  This isn't a theory I'm planning on following through with.  Clearly, it will forever stay in the hypothesis stage because dreams don't count--if you say they do, you suck and I don't like you anymore.

Onto the next example of my dumbassery--that's right, I made up that word, go forth and use it.  The mere fact that I dated Ben (see previous post for further details) should really tell you everything you need to know.  I actually had myself convinced that I was falling for him and now I have trouble even remembering we actually dated.  How idiotic is that?!  No, you need not answer.

And...moving on...  Let me introduce you to Matt.  He is my latest proof of my dumbassness.  A little background: I met him while I was working down at Tucson Mall for Bare Escentuals--best make up ever, in case you were wondering--and he was working for T-Mobile.  I had seen him around the mall, but was completely enamored with one of his co-workers so I didn't talk to him much, but he'd apparently called dibs on me when he saw which meant that I didn't stand a chance with his super gorgeous friend.  However, two weeks before I moved back home, he stopped outside my store and we talked for a little bit, and he asked for my number so we could grab a drink one night before I left.  While that drink never happened, we did start talking a whole big bunch.  I went down to Tucson one day to start bringing more stuff back home and went to see him at work.  When I left he walked me to my car and kissed me.  Now, there weren't any fireworks or anything super corny like that, but he was an amazing, AMAZING kisser.  Definitely top three material.  Anyways...about a month after that, he decided to tell me that he"thinks he's in love with me".  Yeah, that happened.  He also decided, shortly after I had moved and told him I was still a virgin in a late-night drunken phone call, that he was going to be the one to take my virginity.  I'm not going to even attempt to lie and say this didn't appeal to me because it TOTALLY did.  I just kept thinking, "Well if he can kiss that well...what else could he do to me?"  Then he kept doing the "I love you" thing which I didn't really enjoy, but i was loving the attention so i went ahead and kept on talking to him.  In our last conversation after I got back from visiting Amber in Denver, we talked on the phone from about ten till five thirty am...it was ridiculous!!!  That was quite a busy conversation too.... He managed to slip in some stealth phone sex.  I know, you're wondering how one accomplishes stealth phone sex and I'll tell you.  Now we'd pretty much always talked about sex, but that time was quite different.  I'd never really understood phone sex...especially being a virgin.  It just seemed like a lot of work just to get off and I don't like working hard at such things.  But, DAMN the boy had a way with words and he actually managed to get me into it a little, but not much mostly because of the virginal status and my SERIOUS lack of experience in such fields.  While I'll never admit typing.saying such a thing, it was actually kind of fun and exciting.  However, about two hours later, he finally convinced me to tell him about the Andrew saga, so I did.  He then proceeded to get pissed off at me because i still love my first love.  Apparently, unlike him, I can't just walk off being in love.  Needless to say that conversation didn't end on the happiest of notes and we stopped talking.  I ignored the few texts and one call i got from him after that and he stopped trying.  Don't worry, the dumbassery continued.  Last night, i was feeling lonely and a little guilty for just ignoring him, so my dumb ass texted him.  We talked and he wants to know if I want a relationship with him.  I didn't respond last night because I figured this was something to sleep on.  When I woke up this morning, I realized that I really didn't want a relationship with him.  I don't even really want to screw him anymore.  However, I haven't exactly gotten around to telling him that yet... oops...

Oh, but wait there is one more small thing I haven't mentioned yet.  While sober Kerstin seems to make all kinds of poor decisions, drunk Kerstin is much, MUCH worse.  While I was in Denver with my girls, we went to Ladies' Night at Jackson's in downtown Denver.  Well, it was $5 all you can drink and I took that very seriously and started downing drinks like there was no tomorrow.  At some point in the night I had asked one of the security guards what size his gauges were in his ear...apparently that translated to flirting because he stayed pretty close for the rest of the night.  I ended up giving him my number so he could send me a picture of my sister doing a boobie-five with one of Amber's Denver friends.  I hadn't thought anything of it considering I didn't even have my phone that night.  My sister had my phone because her's was dead and she wanted to talk to Bean's brother.  Apparently, she also flirted quite heavily with the security guard, whose name was Bobby.  Like I said before, this hadn't popped up on my radar at all until last week.  The guy sent me a picture of his erect dick.  While I've never actually seen one up close and personal, I can still tell you that he really should have left his hand out of the picture because I know how big/small it was, and that gave me an idea of how less than impressive he actually was.  Now, my dumbassness in this one is mostly that I didn't respond to the picture with something snarky like, "really? should I have been impressed?"

Well, that is the saga of my dumbassery with the male population...I'll likely have more stories soon, if I keep going to the bars to see new bands.  PS:  The Sail Inn in Tempe on Wednesday nights...rocks.

27)

We're going to make this one short, because I am currently procrastinating a paper that's due in a few hours and I haven't started it yet.

Alright, Andrew is acting strange around me but no longer moves to another room when I come in, so I figured it was time to add him back on Facebook.  Juvenile, yes, but it made me happy when he accepted.  What can I say, I still love the boy, but that doesn't detract from the fact that I still know we aren't right for one another.  He keeps smiling at me and trying to make eye contact...I'm actively focusing on not thinking about it too much, though it slips to the forefront every once and a while.

In other news, I think that if I were to see Ben out and about anywhere, I may just walk up and punch him in the back of the head, or perhaps...lower.  The more I read or be around another person, namely Rachel, while she is reading it to another person, the madder I get.  I am so pissed off that I would ever have dated someone who would do that to me and for such ridiculous reasons.  Again, not contesting the whole breaking up thing, but the fact that it was via facebook and because I am too smart and a virgin.  UGH... I really want to hurt him.

Other than that, I am having a hard time enjoying work.  Don't get me wrong, I love what I do, but I do not enjoy the behind-the-scenes bullshit we have going on.  The changing of schedules with consulting those people affected.  The fact that we still don't have April's schedule and April starts in about three days...not cool.  Apparently, I may not be able to transfer to the boutique in Scottsdale because we don't make our sales goals.  If that is the case, I am going to be rather pissed off because that wouldn't be at all fair.  It's not my fault that I can't make my goals because the company chose a piss-poor mall to put us in.  Also, I apparently make crap at this job compared to the other girls.  I thought I was making bank because it is more than I have ever made.  Nope.  Not the case.  I'm starting to not like my job and that is not cool because that was really the only thing I was liking about Tucson these days.

On that subject, Rachel, Rita and Marina have started showing me all the awesomeness Tucson has to offer and I do have to admit, the city is great, but everything I'm doing here sucks ass.  Last week, the girls took me to Gates Pass for the sunset and it was so much fun.  We climbed a mini mountain with inappropriate foot attire and made snarky comments the entire time.  Next we are going to go to Sabino Canyon because none of us have been and my dad said i can't move back home until I go there.  We are also going to go to Mount Lemon and to the Pima County Fair in April.  I am so excited. I love these girls and they make life awesome, plus we are all ass holes, so it's always a good time when we get together. :-)

I also have a recently developed crush on this guy who works in the mall.  I don't know much about him, but he has the most amazing smile I have ever seen.  HOLY CRAP!!!  Seriously...most amazing smile ever.  He is really nice and super sweet, plus now he's started looking for me when he passes by my store.  I feel like i'm in middle school all over again...he's great, but we haven't actually been introduced yet and every time we talk, I always forget that tidbit...

Yours always,

Love-struck and loving it. <3

26

As promised, here is the facebook message from the newly ex-ified Ben.  Have fun with it. ;-)

Hey Kerstin, I think we should talk...I hope you dont hate me afterward because i very much value your friendship...but i just dont see this working at all...we are far far far two different people..you are so smart and so educated so very far past me and im just some guy youve known forever...you need someone that can relate to you in all ways..i dont seem to be able to relate to you in any way...i dont understand why you do the things you do or why the way you are...honestly ive been thinking about it for awhile i just havent had the balls to say anything..i was afraid to hurt you but the farther i went in the more i realized that to go farther it would only hurt more and more..you are too smart for me Kerstin you need someone you can relate too...and I need someone more physical...someone who can share the love of making love in and for a relationship...relationships need sex at a later age as we are now and without it im just antsy all the time and i dont want to cheat on you so i need to break this off so i can have what i need..sex is a very important part of a relationship in my opinion and is important in most opinions unless you are a virgin..so i understand where you are coming from but we just arent right for that very circumstance...i need someone who relates to me and understands me and my needs.. and as far as i can see i dont think you understand me at all...i mean sometimes we cant even text each other without getting confused because neither of us understands what the other is thinking...im not good for you Kerstin...you can do so so so much better than me and you deserve better for that matter...im nothing and i dont want you to get stuck with me before it is too late...the only thing i would suggest is to get into as many relationships as you can Kerstin...im not trying to be mean but you do need the experience...i was trying to give it to you but its just not working out..you need to open up more...and in my opinion stop being so so smart with your significant other...you cant be serious all the time...where is the fun in that? be more playful and let loose once in awhile and forget everything that makes any sense and that means anything and just have fun.... be crazy, be spontaneous, be anything......just dont hold back just because it isnt the "correct" thing to do...i doubt you will know what i mean by that but i honestly dont know how else to explain it...i dont know where im going with this i just know that im lost with you...especially after reading twilight..i hope you dont think this is stupid but i read how bella and edward felt towards each other and it was incredible. i have felt that with someone in my own experience but i do not feel it with you...i read how in love they are and i keep thinking about our relationship and how nothing they say is anywhere near how i feel about you..honestly im not trying to be mean in anyway but i need to speak my mind and i cant go on in a relationship i dont think will work for the sake of someone else, in my opinion its just wrong and hurtful so im just being honest..and again i really hope you dont hate me for this becuase i really really really would like to remain being close friends with you...but i think i got into this relationship for all the wrong reasons...i was alone in arizona with no one to talk to so i started talking to you and venting to you about all my problems...and you were there for me everytime and i loved it...i stilll love it..but the main reason i got into a relationship with you was because you were there for me and i was there for you if you needed me to be, and i still will be there for you if you need me to be...because i do love you..just not as a girlfriend..so i thought since we were there for each other that maybe we should try a relationship...i was wrong..we are just way to different in my opinion as much as i would like to teach you so many things physically im afraid you would get far to attached..so i just dont see it working....i hope so much you still want to be friends and that you dont hate me...i would even still love to hang out with you and go on dates and such but i just dont see us together unless its a casual thing if you understand my meaning...just know i will always be here for you and i will always be your friend..you were always there for me and i hope i can still count you as my friend..you still mean alot to me and im sorry if this hurts but i honestly just dont see it working....i love you..as a friend... Ben

AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!  Is that not the funniest thing you have ever read?  I know, me too.  Well, I have to go study for a midterm, so I will likely chatsy tomorrow.  Loves!!!

25)

So....yeah it's been awhile.  I'm sorry.  That's my bad.  It's been about...oh snap...it's been seven months since my last post.  I am such a wretched blogger.  I have quite a few little updates for you, my loves.  Be excited.  Are you waiting breathlessly?  No?  I can't blame you with my current track record.

Firstly, I have officially gotten closure with the saga that was Andrew.  It's exciting. As previously mentioned, though admittedly seven months ago, best friend gave me until the end of October to tell Andrew how I feel about him.  I did.  The shorthand version of that conversation was basically, me telling him I love him and have for years, him telling me he's over it and then the conversation ending.  Post conversation--which was over text message because he was a chicken and refused to call/answer my calls--I had a mini-mental breakdown.  I had an actual panic attack in which I could not move.  I wanted to get off my bed, but I couldn't move my arms or legs.  I couldn't even catch my breath.  It felt like hours had gone by in this state, when it was likely less than a minute, but I thought I was actually going to die.  It was terrifying and I do not suggest having such a breakdown if you can ever get the option to.  After that, I cried for about twenty minute jags.  However, this was followed by a sense of calm over the following few days after I cried about it to my father.  Daddy's advice is to wait until I'm 27 and then find a guy because that is when they start to grow up. 

Another adventure in dating is the second topic for discussion.  Ben.  He and I started dating in the beginning of January.  It went fairly well.  The problem...we were not at all compatible.  He was an alright kisser, and it made me feel good when he would act like an idiot after I kissed him.  We had fun when we went out, however...I had a few issues with some of the things he stood for.  My problems included, but were not limited to, his family values--he didn't value his as much as I value mine--he didn't like kids and I love them, no matter if he'd been sworn to secrecy, he would still tell me anything and he would give me crap about not telling him everything when I said I would never tell.  I am, or was yesterday at least, upset with him because he decided to break up with me in a facebook message.  I'll upload it tomorrow.  It'll be a good read.  I know I wasn't really as into him as I thought because as I read his message, I was checking the thing for spelling and grammar problems and I was irritated with the blatant abuse of ellipses.  One thing I will forever be grateful to him for helping me realize that I am also not compatible with Andrew.  I do find it rather interesting that I am just as happy without Ben as I was with him, which is causing concern in those around me.  I seemed to be falling for Ben, but evidently, that wasn't the case.  It feels a little weird not to be texting with him all day every day, but I figure, that is to be expected considering we had three months of it.  he still wants to be friends and I am thinking that is fine with me, but I'm not entirely sure as of yet.  The basic premise of his breakup message was that I was too smart for him--which is true--and that he wasn't entirely thrilled with the fact that I was a virgin and basically he was too horny to wait for me to be comfortable.  My thing is that had he just come down to Tucson, I wouldn't still be a virgin.  Oh well, I'm actually happy now and pretty much every one, ok take out the "pretty much", agrees that he was an idiot to break up via facebook.

Anyways....  This is my last semester at UA.  I am moving back home hopefully as soon as it's over.  I am crossing my fingers that I will simply be able to transfer to the BE in Scottsdale because I love my job.  Tucson was a good life experience for me and I'll miss the sushi, my new friends, and all the pretty mountains that surround my apartment, but we do not make a good combination.  I'll have to come back and visit every once and a while to visit my BE girls and my new friends...perhaps even the mountains.  While I do not particularly wish to move back in with my parents, the deal was that until Caylin moves out, I stay at home and then I will live with her.  I know, I know...yes this is something I have bitched about at great length before.  However, my reasoning is thus...living with a friend did not work.  I don't even talk to Adam and he is living in the same freaking apartment as I am.  I knew going into this that I would very likely lose a friend, but I honestly didn't mind all that much.  That seems cold and heartless, I know, but you try living with him.  He's a social pariah!  However, if I live with my sister, I can't actually lose her, we're stuck together for life, plus we always fight and then make up.  She didn't talk to me for about a month and a half after I moved here.  I think she was pissed at me for abandoning her with the parental units to another city unlike her move a few miles away.  If I live with Caylin, yeah, we'll fight and we'll probably beat the crap out of each other on a monthly if not weekly basis, but we will always have each others backs when it matters, though I might as well laminate that damn V-card now...then we could just hang it on the wall next to my bed my the machete.

It has gotten to the point where I am so unhappy living down here that I don't even care about school anymore.  ME!  Not care about school?! I just stopped going to one class and I didn't even drop it...that's not going to look good on the transcripts, but I can't seem to care.  The other two classes I have on campus, I ditch periodically just because I don't feel like going.  Really?!  I'm that girl now?!  I love my apartment, but I would love it more if it were a one bedroom with the same amount for rent.  Living on my own is great other than the fact that it's making me fat.  I am so much more active at home than I am here.  I did just get myself some of the Reebok Easy Tones and I love those, though I don't go for walks, I just wear them to classes.  I do want to start working out more, but I don't have anyone to go with and that makes me not want to do it at all.  I need someone to push me, but I refuse to diet, so just hold your breath on that one.

Hmmm...I guess that just about covers everything.  I feel better now that I've actually written something.  I promise, I'll post Ben's message tomorrow.  Loves to you!!

24

I realize that I have been a bit of an absentee blogger over the past few months and I am sorry for that.  I really did have the best of intentions to be giving updates on at least a weekly basis, but my best intentions often fall short when translated into the real world.

So, what has kept me away?  To be quite honest, it's mostly due to laziness and my apparent fixation with the Facebook game, Bubble Town--it's dumb, but I love it nonetheless.  School is trying to kill me, but not really because it's my fault.  If I didn't procrastinate so damn much, I would get more sleep and be doing much better.  This is my first semester as UA and I am already becoming a serious slacker--this is not a good thing.  I like most of my classes, but I have yet to find the purpose of one of them, which is seriously irritating.  HIST 301, Intro to the Study of History.  What is that?!  The other people I have talked to in that class don't know what we are supposed to be studying either...it is really annoying!  Other than that, school is fine though I am broke and can't get some of my books that I need to complete certain assignments for my online history class.  I am still waiting for my loan to go through UA's financial aid office so I can get the remainder so that I can be all caught up on bills and such.  I don't like being broke.  I don't like having to decide which bills to pay on a monthly basis.  I hate having to forgo getting groceries because I have to put gas in the car.  I am terrified of failing at this endeavor of mine.  It is difficult to figure out where all my freaking money goes....  I am not buying frivilous things...well I eat out too much at work, so I'll start packing a lunch, but I'm not buying movies or books like I used to!  I have a job that pays well and gives me 24 hours a week...though I wish it were more on the hours side of it.

Anyways...enough about my financial woes.  So...I had a date a few weeks ago.  It was horrible.  He was a jackass and literally tried to bite me.  This is a guy i have known for less than a month and he tries to bite me.  Explain to me in what society that is acceptable and can it me easily mistaken for ours?  He made two phone calls about his truck while we were eating.  I left during the second one.  As I got up, I told him that I was going to the library and that I would see him the next class period.  He said, "Or you could wait."  AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Why the hell would I wait for you to get off the damn phone so you can just go back to being a total dick about everything again.  AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Pass.  I replied, "No thanks, I have a bunch of shit to do."  That translates roughly to, "No fucking way you moron," in case you were wondering.  Class has been interesting with him since.  We don't really talk.  He is always an ass, but luckily, he is failing miserably...hehehe, I do enjoy that part. Some days he will try to be a nice guy and then, like today, he will just be a dick about everything.  Our teacher is German so, of course he is all about the Nazi jokes because he is an ignorant jackass.  Now, he even has one of the other guys, who was actually super awesome, doing the same shit.  I hate it!

And onto other news...Andrew, yes, you guessed it, the guy I love and have been talking about since this blog's inception, is coming home probably next weekend.  Let me tell you why this terrifies me.  I have decided recently that, no matter what, I am going to tell him I love him and, if he lets me, why I ran.  Genny is giving me till the end of October to do so or she will find a way to do it herself.  I am so freaked out by this because I have no clue what he is going to do.  I don't know if he'll hate me because I didn't say it the night he told me he loved me or if he'll be alright with it.  I don't know what will happen and I don't like it.  I have never been able to predict what that boy will do, but I can't keep hiding it anymore.  It hurts way too much to keep it inside.  I am tired of playing the guessing game when it comes to how he feels about me.  He makes me think he still has feelings for me, but then when he called me to tell me he broke up with his girlfriend, he said something about telling me this as a friend.  I don't know what to do with shit like that!  I want to walk right up to him and say, "So...I'm in love with you and have been for a really long time now.  Thoughts?  Reactions? Go."  However, the likelihood of my being ballsy enough to do it...not so good.  I have little confidence that I will be able to go through with telling him anything, but I have to remember to be strong and just do it anyways because I will forever hate myself if I don't.  If he hate me and breaks my heart all over again, I have a bunch of friends waiting in the wings with duck tape and good puzzle skills.  I am confident that this is something I have to do no matter the outcome, which is scary as hell, but true.  I told his mom of my plan.  She is worried about us both getting hurt and I can't blame her because I am too.  If all else fails, I'll write him a damn letter or a Facebook message, though I really, REALLY don't want to go there.  I kind of feel like I need to see his face if I am going to get any clear answers.  I am so scared that he'll hate me and never want to talk/see me again, but I have hope that he won't and that's really all I can do until the time comes for me to throw myself on the metaphorical sacrificial alter.  Yes, i am feeling a bit dramatic today, how ever did you guess?

Other than all that, nothing is really new and/or exciting in my world.  I worry about all my families.  I worry about Ben because he has seemingly dropped off the face of the fucking planet and isn't returning any of my messages which is cause for concern considering what happened the last time we stopped talking.  I hate being this attached to him, but he was my life raft after me and Andrew split and we have a bit of a connection because of it.  I love him--not like Andrew, I'll never love anybody like I love Andrew--and I need him back.  I just don't want anything to happen to him/I don't want him to do anything incredibly stupid like last time.  I am just so worried about what is keeping him from talking to me right now.  I hope he isn't falling again because this life raft only has so much rope to give him and letting him go is just too much to ask me to do without a serious fight.  I feel strangely tied to Ben.  I have known him for so long and we have become so close over the past year.  We tell each other everything, even things we tell no one else and it is scary to think about losing him, especially losing him to himself and his own stupidity.  I trust him with my life and with my heart and I feel like I need him to survive because if he doesn't, then I won't either.  It is a strange sensation.

Well that is all I have for now.  I will keep you updated on the Andrew situation as it progresses.

23)

Hehehe...my bad...I deserted you yet again.  However, this time I have really good excuses!  I have been so very swamped lately!  At the beginning of the month, I went to Vegas with my sister for Little Joe's wedding, then I was supper absorbed in finalizing my plans to move to Tucson and register for all my classes, then I have been trying to get financial assistance--a work in progress--, and finally, I actually moved to Tucson, started classes, and started working.  See what I mean about having been swamped?!

Now then, in order, I shall elaborate upon all the events that prevented me from updating prior to now because I know you've just been dying to know **insert sarcastic me here**.

Vegas:  Caylin and I went to Vegas for our oldest second cousin's oldest son's wedding (hehehe...that sound's confusing).  Anyway, we call him Little Joe.  That is how he was introduced to us and that is who he will always remain, I don't care if he outgrew his parents.  It was kind of a slam-bam-thank-you-ma'am wedding, but it was cute nonetheless.  It was a wee bit irritating that we waited for the service to start for more time than the service itself took.  They wrote their own vows...it was adorable.  She was hilarious because second's before she began, she announced that she cheated and wrote her vows down while he was frantically memorizing his.  Caylin and I couldn't for the life of us find the stupid chapel before the wedding.  All we knew was that it was near the Stratosphere.  We parked at the Stratosphere and began walking around, frantically calling our Great Auntie Marion who didn't pick up until about the tenth time we called.  Luckily, she and Great Uncle Joe were running late as well and they found us on a corner looking totally lost and drove us the rest of the way to the wedding.  None of us had eaten and were really looking forward to the reception because we figured there would at least be a large cake we could munch on to tide us over.  What did they have?  A plate of fruit, cheese and crackers and then a small tower of  TINY cupcakes...we were a tad upset, but willing to cope.  It was a strange reception mostly consisting of her family who did not feel obliged to talk to us or even tell us who the heck they were.  We were pretty much divided into two factions: her family and our family and we didn't mingle.  Our family excused ourselves from their cramped hotel room with a serious lack of seating to the hallway where we sat on the ground and sent the youngest child back and forth for the delicious, albeit minuscule, cupcakes.  The wedding was the reason we were in Vegas, but the night before was my first one ever and it started off with a bang!  Caylin and I got in at around seven that Friday night and checked into the hotel--we stayed at the Excalibur.  Our room was kinda small and a bit tacky, but we were only planning on sleeping there so it wasn't a huge deal and we didn't really care.  That night, after we got all settled, Caylin and I decided we wanted to go to Margaritaville for a drink.  It was the best and most expensive margaritas of my life.  When we got back to the hotel, there was a huge line for the elevator and because it was our first night in the hotel, we didn't think anything of it.  However, after about five minutes of waiting to get into the elevator, the Las Vegas Fire Department came out of them.  Caylin, being her, said, "I bet they came from our room."  we laughed it off and then barged our way to the front of the line for the elevators.  (On a side note, the fire fighters in Vegas are freaking delicious!  I wanted to jump a few of them...not exaggerating....I actually debated the pros and cons of doing so.)  Anyways...we got up to our floor and what greets us?  A bunch of fire fighters and hotel maintenance standing outside of where our room should approximately be.  At that point, we began laughing hysterically because Caylin's previous statement was becoming less and less of a joke.  A police officer came toward us as we made our way down the hall and we asked him what room the fire was in.  He asked us what room we were in and after our answer said he thought the fire was in the room next to us, but he wasn't sure.  Now the panic began to set in a bit.  The fire turned out to be in the room next to ours, but our room was completely flooded.  This would have been absolutely horrible had Caylin and I followed our normal tendency of throwing all our stuff on the floor surrounding our beds, but this time we had pulled everything up and put them on any hard surface available, which was fantastic because we both brought our computers.  The firefighters laughed at us as we giggled while wading through the lake that used to be our carpeted floor and grabbed all our stuff as quickly as we could.  After we glanced back longingly at the delectable firemen, we went to the front desk to get a new room.  They tried to put us on the fifth floor in the smoking tower, yes tower, which would have been just as tacky as our previous room but would also reek of smoke.  Caylin, however, in her infinite wisdom, told the man helping us that she couldn't be in the smoking tower because she has asthma--not a verified fact.  We were then placed on the top floor of the smoking tower because they had no rooms available in the non-smoking tower.  The new room was B-E-A-UTIFUL!!!  We ended up getting a free upgrade.  The sheets were amazingly soft, the bathroom was gorgeous and the view was spectacular!  We actually had a pretty good view of The Strip and the hotel's pools.  And that was my first night in Vegas.  The next day, we slept in, had lunch with the family, and went to the wedding which I already explain.  After we left the "reception"  Caylin and I walked down to Paris Casino where we decided to play the penny slots.  We started out putting twenty dollars in the machine.  Caylin lost about fifty cents and I won seven.  After that we switched to the nickel slots.  Again Caylin lost money.  I hit a mysterious button, it took fifty cents and then the wheel thingys just kept turning.  It said I had ten free turns...I don't know how I got them.  At the end of the possessed machine's episode, it informed me that I had won 5850 credits, which meant nothing to me.  Then the credits started turning into money...that meant a lot to me.  I won three hundred three dollars and fifty cents on the nickel slots after which I promptly cashed out and changed my ticket out for money.  I gave Caylin twenty bucks because for some reason I felt guilty that she had lost while I had won so much, then I bought us both these huge drinks in an Eiffel Tower cup thingy.  The following day, we had breakfast--I paid--and checked out to go home.  I still had two hundred dollars left of my winnings.  It was a very exciting trip!  I have decided that I like Vegas very much.

Sorry that was so lengthy and not in chronological order.  Onto the school stuff.  It took me forever to register for classes!  I was going to take two online, but they both were only offered through the outreach college which was a hassle I wasn't willing to contend with.  One of the classes was then offered through the main college and I therefore jumped right on it.  The other refrained from such a course of action so I decided it was time to jump ship on that one.  I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get into a class that I needed for my History major because the adviser told me all the sections were full, but then, one day while I was looking at classes for upper division history, I saw the coveted green circle by this class.  There was one seat open and I'd be damned if someone else was going to get it.  I snatched it up supper fast!  I tried to register for two English classes for my English major--because as an undergraduate, Literature isn't offered as a major--but both said that I needed adviser approval.  I was late for my first adviser meeting because I got lost and so I had to reschedule it to the same day that Adam and I were going to sign our lease...big day!  It turns out that she used one of my transfer credits for one of the classes I was trying to get into and that the other class is a prerequisite for basically all of the other English courses I need to complete the major, so I got approved for that one and was able to sign up for it a week before school.  Instead of taking the abandoned online history course, I added a class on the French Enlightenment mostly because of where the building was positioned honestly.  I have completed the first week of classes and have decided that they are all acceptable and that I will be able to handle the one teacher who is an advocate of group work and that the other two are just too adorable to dislike.  The financial aid is presenting a bit of a problem for me at this point.  I got one federal student loan, but it isn't enough to cover all of my tuition.  My parents, for some inexplicable reason, were approved for the Parent PLUS loan, but they can't accept it and the school can't offer me more because they were approved.  I have tried to get a few private student loans, but I can't even get one for $3,000 which would be $1,500 a semester.  I need a cosigner, but my parents can't do it.  I am scared to ask Adam to help me, but I think that is my only option at this point.  It is really frelling depressing.  However, I am determined to think happy thoughts and am still attempting to convince myself that it will all work out well in the end.

Now, work.  I have worked about two weeks at the Creek now.  The people I work with are really nice and so are the people who shop there.  I am still learning the ropes and some of the women I work with kind of treat me like an idiot, but I'm new, so it's kind of to be expected.  I am still getting to know some of the ladies, but I pretty much already know that I am not a huge fan of three, maybe four of the ten or eleven that work there.  One is just kind of a nazi about her particular area of the store...not ok.  Two are just irritating, and the fourth...well the jury is still out on her--honestly one of the two irritating ones only really rubs me the wrong way on days when everything is really rubbing me the wrong way, so I suppose the jury is still out on her as well.  However, the work is alright, but the pay is crap, as are the hours so I am looking for another job, not necessarily a replacement job, but definitely a second job to help pay all the bills....I don't like being a big kid anymore.  It's great in theory, but in practice, I find it sorely lacking.  However, I did get a call today from Bare Minerals wanting to set up an in-person interview with me for the key holder position.  The woman I talked with was kind of turned off by the fact that I have classes on Tuesday/Thursday, but she said she may be able to work with that.  She loved that I had Key Holder experience and that I am already familiar with the line.  I am really hoping to get this job!  I am also really hoping that they can work with my class schedule so that I can be full-time.  If not, that's fine too, but I really need this job super fast.  I know that she didn't like that I was going to be out of town next weekend because of my plans to go to New Mexico with Genny and her family, but I already committed to this wedding and I said I was willing to come in whenever they need me for the training the next week.  I really, really want this job!!!!!!!  Pretty, pretty please let me get this job!

Other than all that, you haven't missed much in the life and times of Kerstin.  I still love him, I have inexplicable feelings for Ben and I am still not entirely sure how to classify our relationship, not that it matters to anyone other than me.  Oh, one new thing...Nate and I are now attempting to be friends...it's kind of weird, but nice all at the same time.  He even sent me a "happy birthday" facebook message which, let me tell you, threw me through a loop.  I'm not going to lie to you, when I saw that I had a message, I was hoping and praying that it was from boy I love, but that dream burst into flames and burned slowly into ashes, contributing heartily to my sour birthday mood.  I took the delusion that he would even call me on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday and when I took my phone out of my locker and saw that I had a voicemail, I let my heart hope it was him.  Was it?  Not even close.  Though, i did get a nice surprise on that one; it was Genny's grandma singing me "Happy Birthday"...i saved the message cause it was so freaking cute.  I still think about him far too much for it to be healthy and I still wish he still loved me and that he would come to his senses, show up on my doorstep and sweep me off my feet...but then I wake up and realize I don't actually live in a romance novel and that he is far too stubborn to ever come to his senses without several forms of torture coming into play.

Hmmm...I guess I just had to end on a rant...NO!  I will conclude this obnoxiously long entry with the fact that I am, thus far, rather enjoying living in Tucson.  It has rained a bunch, school is nice, I am making friends in a few of my classes, my books don't cost too much, and Adam is making living with him as nice as possible, though there are still times I want to punch him in the throat for no reason at all really, he just gets on my nerves sometimes and makes me uncomfortable other times...whatever, I live with a boy, uncomfortableness comes with the territory.