27)

We're going to make this one short, because I am currently procrastinating a paper that's due in a few hours and I haven't started it yet.

Alright, Andrew is acting strange around me but no longer moves to another room when I come in, so I figured it was time to add him back on Facebook.  Juvenile, yes, but it made me happy when he accepted.  What can I say, I still love the boy, but that doesn't detract from the fact that I still know we aren't right for one another.  He keeps smiling at me and trying to make eye contact...I'm actively focusing on not thinking about it too much, though it slips to the forefront every once and a while.

In other news, I think that if I were to see Ben out and about anywhere, I may just walk up and punch him in the back of the head, or perhaps...lower.  The more I read or be around another person, namely Rachel, while she is reading it to another person, the madder I get.  I am so pissed off that I would ever have dated someone who would do that to me and for such ridiculous reasons.  Again, not contesting the whole breaking up thing, but the fact that it was via facebook and because I am too smart and a virgin.  UGH... I really want to hurt him.

Other than that, I am having a hard time enjoying work.  Don't get me wrong, I love what I do, but I do not enjoy the behind-the-scenes bullshit we have going on.  The changing of schedules with consulting those people affected.  The fact that we still don't have April's schedule and April starts in about three days...not cool.  Apparently, I may not be able to transfer to the boutique in Scottsdale because we don't make our sales goals.  If that is the case, I am going to be rather pissed off because that wouldn't be at all fair.  It's not my fault that I can't make my goals because the company chose a piss-poor mall to put us in.  Also, I apparently make crap at this job compared to the other girls.  I thought I was making bank because it is more than I have ever made.  Nope.  Not the case.  I'm starting to not like my job and that is not cool because that was really the only thing I was liking about Tucson these days.

On that subject, Rachel, Rita and Marina have started showing me all the awesomeness Tucson has to offer and I do have to admit, the city is great, but everything I'm doing here sucks ass.  Last week, the girls took me to Gates Pass for the sunset and it was so much fun.  We climbed a mini mountain with inappropriate foot attire and made snarky comments the entire time.  Next we are going to go to Sabino Canyon because none of us have been and my dad said i can't move back home until I go there.  We are also going to go to Mount Lemon and to the Pima County Fair in April.  I am so excited. I love these girls and they make life awesome, plus we are all ass holes, so it's always a good time when we get together. :-)

I also have a recently developed crush on this guy who works in the mall.  I don't know much about him, but he has the most amazing smile I have ever seen.  HOLY CRAP!!!  Seriously...most amazing smile ever.  He is really nice and super sweet, plus now he's started looking for me when he passes by my store.  I feel like i'm in middle school all over again...he's great, but we haven't actually been introduced yet and every time we talk, I always forget that tidbit...

Yours always,

Love-struck and loving it. <3

26

As promised, here is the facebook message from the newly ex-ified Ben.  Have fun with it. ;-)

Hey Kerstin, I think we should talk...I hope you dont hate me afterward because i very much value your friendship...but i just dont see this working at all...we are far far far two different people..you are so smart and so educated so very far past me and im just some guy youve known forever...you need someone that can relate to you in all ways..i dont seem to be able to relate to you in any way...i dont understand why you do the things you do or why the way you are...honestly ive been thinking about it for awhile i just havent had the balls to say anything..i was afraid to hurt you but the farther i went in the more i realized that to go farther it would only hurt more and more..you are too smart for me Kerstin you need someone you can relate too...and I need someone more physical...someone who can share the love of making love in and for a relationship...relationships need sex at a later age as we are now and without it im just antsy all the time and i dont want to cheat on you so i need to break this off so i can have what i need..sex is a very important part of a relationship in my opinion and is important in most opinions unless you are a virgin..so i understand where you are coming from but we just arent right for that very circumstance...i need someone who relates to me and understands me and my needs.. and as far as i can see i dont think you understand me at all...i mean sometimes we cant even text each other without getting confused because neither of us understands what the other is thinking...im not good for you Kerstin...you can do so so so much better than me and you deserve better for that matter...im nothing and i dont want you to get stuck with me before it is too late...the only thing i would suggest is to get into as many relationships as you can Kerstin...im not trying to be mean but you do need the experience...i was trying to give it to you but its just not working out..you need to open up more...and in my opinion stop being so so smart with your significant other...you cant be serious all the time...where is the fun in that? be more playful and let loose once in awhile and forget everything that makes any sense and that means anything and just have fun.... be crazy, be spontaneous, be anything......just dont hold back just because it isnt the "correct" thing to do...i doubt you will know what i mean by that but i honestly dont know how else to explain it...i dont know where im going with this i just know that im lost with you...especially after reading twilight..i hope you dont think this is stupid but i read how bella and edward felt towards each other and it was incredible. i have felt that with someone in my own experience but i do not feel it with you...i read how in love they are and i keep thinking about our relationship and how nothing they say is anywhere near how i feel about you..honestly im not trying to be mean in anyway but i need to speak my mind and i cant go on in a relationship i dont think will work for the sake of someone else, in my opinion its just wrong and hurtful so im just being honest..and again i really hope you dont hate me for this becuase i really really really would like to remain being close friends with you...but i think i got into this relationship for all the wrong reasons...i was alone in arizona with no one to talk to so i started talking to you and venting to you about all my problems...and you were there for me everytime and i loved it...i stilll love it..but the main reason i got into a relationship with you was because you were there for me and i was there for you if you needed me to be, and i still will be there for you if you need me to be...because i do love you..just not as a girlfriend..so i thought since we were there for each other that maybe we should try a relationship...i was wrong..we are just way to different in my opinion as much as i would like to teach you so many things physically im afraid you would get far to attached..so i just dont see it working....i hope so much you still want to be friends and that you dont hate me...i would even still love to hang out with you and go on dates and such but i just dont see us together unless its a casual thing if you understand my meaning...just know i will always be here for you and i will always be your friend..you were always there for me and i hope i can still count you as my friend..you still mean alot to me and im sorry if this hurts but i honestly just dont see it working....i love you..as a friend... Ben

AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!  Is that not the funniest thing you have ever read?  I know, me too.  Well, I have to go study for a midterm, so I will likely chatsy tomorrow.  Loves!!!

25)

So....yeah it's been awhile.  I'm sorry.  That's my bad.  It's been about...oh snap...it's been seven months since my last post.  I am such a wretched blogger.  I have quite a few little updates for you, my loves.  Be excited.  Are you waiting breathlessly?  No?  I can't blame you with my current track record.

Firstly, I have officially gotten closure with the saga that was Andrew.  It's exciting. As previously mentioned, though admittedly seven months ago, best friend gave me until the end of October to tell Andrew how I feel about him.  I did.  The shorthand version of that conversation was basically, me telling him I love him and have for years, him telling me he's over it and then the conversation ending.  Post conversation--which was over text message because he was a chicken and refused to call/answer my calls--I had a mini-mental breakdown.  I had an actual panic attack in which I could not move.  I wanted to get off my bed, but I couldn't move my arms or legs.  I couldn't even catch my breath.  It felt like hours had gone by in this state, when it was likely less than a minute, but I thought I was actually going to die.  It was terrifying and I do not suggest having such a breakdown if you can ever get the option to.  After that, I cried for about twenty minute jags.  However, this was followed by a sense of calm over the following few days after I cried about it to my father.  Daddy's advice is to wait until I'm 27 and then find a guy because that is when they start to grow up. 

Another adventure in dating is the second topic for discussion.  Ben.  He and I started dating in the beginning of January.  It went fairly well.  The problem...we were not at all compatible.  He was an alright kisser, and it made me feel good when he would act like an idiot after I kissed him.  We had fun when we went out, however...I had a few issues with some of the things he stood for.  My problems included, but were not limited to, his family values--he didn't value his as much as I value mine--he didn't like kids and I love them, no matter if he'd been sworn to secrecy, he would still tell me anything and he would give me crap about not telling him everything when I said I would never tell.  I am, or was yesterday at least, upset with him because he decided to break up with me in a facebook message.  I'll upload it tomorrow.  It'll be a good read.  I know I wasn't really as into him as I thought because as I read his message, I was checking the thing for spelling and grammar problems and I was irritated with the blatant abuse of ellipses.  One thing I will forever be grateful to him for helping me realize that I am also not compatible with Andrew.  I do find it rather interesting that I am just as happy without Ben as I was with him, which is causing concern in those around me.  I seemed to be falling for Ben, but evidently, that wasn't the case.  It feels a little weird not to be texting with him all day every day, but I figure, that is to be expected considering we had three months of it.  he still wants to be friends and I am thinking that is fine with me, but I'm not entirely sure as of yet.  The basic premise of his breakup message was that I was too smart for him--which is true--and that he wasn't entirely thrilled with the fact that I was a virgin and basically he was too horny to wait for me to be comfortable.  My thing is that had he just come down to Tucson, I wouldn't still be a virgin.  Oh well, I'm actually happy now and pretty much every one, ok take out the "pretty much", agrees that he was an idiot to break up via facebook.

Anyways....  This is my last semester at UA.  I am moving back home hopefully as soon as it's over.  I am crossing my fingers that I will simply be able to transfer to the BE in Scottsdale because I love my job.  Tucson was a good life experience for me and I'll miss the sushi, my new friends, and all the pretty mountains that surround my apartment, but we do not make a good combination.  I'll have to come back and visit every once and a while to visit my BE girls and my new friends...perhaps even the mountains.  While I do not particularly wish to move back in with my parents, the deal was that until Caylin moves out, I stay at home and then I will live with her.  I know, I know...yes this is something I have bitched about at great length before.  However, my reasoning is thus...living with a friend did not work.  I don't even talk to Adam and he is living in the same freaking apartment as I am.  I knew going into this that I would very likely lose a friend, but I honestly didn't mind all that much.  That seems cold and heartless, I know, but you try living with him.  He's a social pariah!  However, if I live with my sister, I can't actually lose her, we're stuck together for life, plus we always fight and then make up.  She didn't talk to me for about a month and a half after I moved here.  I think she was pissed at me for abandoning her with the parental units to another city unlike her move a few miles away.  If I live with Caylin, yeah, we'll fight and we'll probably beat the crap out of each other on a monthly if not weekly basis, but we will always have each others backs when it matters, though I might as well laminate that damn V-card now...then we could just hang it on the wall next to my bed my the machete.

It has gotten to the point where I am so unhappy living down here that I don't even care about school anymore.  ME!  Not care about school?! I just stopped going to one class and I didn't even drop it...that's not going to look good on the transcripts, but I can't seem to care.  The other two classes I have on campus, I ditch periodically just because I don't feel like going.  Really?!  I'm that girl now?!  I love my apartment, but I would love it more if it were a one bedroom with the same amount for rent.  Living on my own is great other than the fact that it's making me fat.  I am so much more active at home than I am here.  I did just get myself some of the Reebok Easy Tones and I love those, though I don't go for walks, I just wear them to classes.  I do want to start working out more, but I don't have anyone to go with and that makes me not want to do it at all.  I need someone to push me, but I refuse to diet, so just hold your breath on that one.

Hmmm...I guess that just about covers everything.  I feel better now that I've actually written something.  I promise, I'll post Ben's message tomorrow.  Loves to you!!

24

I realize that I have been a bit of an absentee blogger over the past few months and I am sorry for that.  I really did have the best of intentions to be giving updates on at least a weekly basis, but my best intentions often fall short when translated into the real world.

So, what has kept me away?  To be quite honest, it's mostly due to laziness and my apparent fixation with the Facebook game, Bubble Town--it's dumb, but I love it nonetheless.  School is trying to kill me, but not really because it's my fault.  If I didn't procrastinate so damn much, I would get more sleep and be doing much better.  This is my first semester as UA and I am already becoming a serious slacker--this is not a good thing.  I like most of my classes, but I have yet to find the purpose of one of them, which is seriously irritating.  HIST 301, Intro to the Study of History.  What is that?!  The other people I have talked to in that class don't know what we are supposed to be studying either...it is really annoying!  Other than that, school is fine though I am broke and can't get some of my books that I need to complete certain assignments for my online history class.  I am still waiting for my loan to go through UA's financial aid office so I can get the remainder so that I can be all caught up on bills and such.  I don't like being broke.  I don't like having to decide which bills to pay on a monthly basis.  I hate having to forgo getting groceries because I have to put gas in the car.  I am terrified of failing at this endeavor of mine.  It is difficult to figure out where all my freaking money goes....  I am not buying frivilous things...well I eat out too much at work, so I'll start packing a lunch, but I'm not buying movies or books like I used to!  I have a job that pays well and gives me 24 hours a week...though I wish it were more on the hours side of it.

Anyways...enough about my financial woes.  So...I had a date a few weeks ago.  It was horrible.  He was a jackass and literally tried to bite me.  This is a guy i have known for less than a month and he tries to bite me.  Explain to me in what society that is acceptable and can it me easily mistaken for ours?  He made two phone calls about his truck while we were eating.  I left during the second one.  As I got up, I told him that I was going to the library and that I would see him the next class period.  He said, "Or you could wait."  AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Why the hell would I wait for you to get off the damn phone so you can just go back to being a total dick about everything again.  AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Pass.  I replied, "No thanks, I have a bunch of shit to do."  That translates roughly to, "No fucking way you moron," in case you were wondering.  Class has been interesting with him since.  We don't really talk.  He is always an ass, but luckily, he is failing miserably...hehehe, I do enjoy that part. Some days he will try to be a nice guy and then, like today, he will just be a dick about everything.  Our teacher is German so, of course he is all about the Nazi jokes because he is an ignorant jackass.  Now, he even has one of the other guys, who was actually super awesome, doing the same shit.  I hate it!

And onto other news...Andrew, yes, you guessed it, the guy I love and have been talking about since this blog's inception, is coming home probably next weekend.  Let me tell you why this terrifies me.  I have decided recently that, no matter what, I am going to tell him I love him and, if he lets me, why I ran.  Genny is giving me till the end of October to do so or she will find a way to do it herself.  I am so freaked out by this because I have no clue what he is going to do.  I don't know if he'll hate me because I didn't say it the night he told me he loved me or if he'll be alright with it.  I don't know what will happen and I don't like it.  I have never been able to predict what that boy will do, but I can't keep hiding it anymore.  It hurts way too much to keep it inside.  I am tired of playing the guessing game when it comes to how he feels about me.  He makes me think he still has feelings for me, but then when he called me to tell me he broke up with his girlfriend, he said something about telling me this as a friend.  I don't know what to do with shit like that!  I want to walk right up to him and say, "So...I'm in love with you and have been for a really long time now.  Thoughts?  Reactions? Go."  However, the likelihood of my being ballsy enough to do it...not so good.  I have little confidence that I will be able to go through with telling him anything, but I have to remember to be strong and just do it anyways because I will forever hate myself if I don't.  If he hate me and breaks my heart all over again, I have a bunch of friends waiting in the wings with duck tape and good puzzle skills.  I am confident that this is something I have to do no matter the outcome, which is scary as hell, but true.  I told his mom of my plan.  She is worried about us both getting hurt and I can't blame her because I am too.  If all else fails, I'll write him a damn letter or a Facebook message, though I really, REALLY don't want to go there.  I kind of feel like I need to see his face if I am going to get any clear answers.  I am so scared that he'll hate me and never want to talk/see me again, but I have hope that he won't and that's really all I can do until the time comes for me to throw myself on the metaphorical sacrificial alter.  Yes, i am feeling a bit dramatic today, how ever did you guess?

Other than all that, nothing is really new and/or exciting in my world.  I worry about all my families.  I worry about Ben because he has seemingly dropped off the face of the fucking planet and isn't returning any of my messages which is cause for concern considering what happened the last time we stopped talking.  I hate being this attached to him, but he was my life raft after me and Andrew split and we have a bit of a connection because of it.  I love him--not like Andrew, I'll never love anybody like I love Andrew--and I need him back.  I just don't want anything to happen to him/I don't want him to do anything incredibly stupid like last time.  I am just so worried about what is keeping him from talking to me right now.  I hope he isn't falling again because this life raft only has so much rope to give him and letting him go is just too much to ask me to do without a serious fight.  I feel strangely tied to Ben.  I have known him for so long and we have become so close over the past year.  We tell each other everything, even things we tell no one else and it is scary to think about losing him, especially losing him to himself and his own stupidity.  I trust him with my life and with my heart and I feel like I need him to survive because if he doesn't, then I won't either.  It is a strange sensation.

Well that is all I have for now.  I will keep you updated on the Andrew situation as it progresses.

23)

Hehehe...my bad...I deserted you yet again.  However, this time I have really good excuses!  I have been so very swamped lately!  At the beginning of the month, I went to Vegas with my sister for Little Joe's wedding, then I was supper absorbed in finalizing my plans to move to Tucson and register for all my classes, then I have been trying to get financial assistance--a work in progress--, and finally, I actually moved to Tucson, started classes, and started working.  See what I mean about having been swamped?!

Now then, in order, I shall elaborate upon all the events that prevented me from updating prior to now because I know you've just been dying to know **insert sarcastic me here**.

Vegas:  Caylin and I went to Vegas for our oldest second cousin's oldest son's wedding (hehehe...that sound's confusing).  Anyway, we call him Little Joe.  That is how he was introduced to us and that is who he will always remain, I don't care if he outgrew his parents.  It was kind of a slam-bam-thank-you-ma'am wedding, but it was cute nonetheless.  It was a wee bit irritating that we waited for the service to start for more time than the service itself took.  They wrote their own vows...it was adorable.  She was hilarious because second's before she began, she announced that she cheated and wrote her vows down while he was frantically memorizing his.  Caylin and I couldn't for the life of us find the stupid chapel before the wedding.  All we knew was that it was near the Stratosphere.  We parked at the Stratosphere and began walking around, frantically calling our Great Auntie Marion who didn't pick up until about the tenth time we called.  Luckily, she and Great Uncle Joe were running late as well and they found us on a corner looking totally lost and drove us the rest of the way to the wedding.  None of us had eaten and were really looking forward to the reception because we figured there would at least be a large cake we could munch on to tide us over.  What did they have?  A plate of fruit, cheese and crackers and then a small tower of  TINY cupcakes...we were a tad upset, but willing to cope.  It was a strange reception mostly consisting of her family who did not feel obliged to talk to us or even tell us who the heck they were.  We were pretty much divided into two factions: her family and our family and we didn't mingle.  Our family excused ourselves from their cramped hotel room with a serious lack of seating to the hallway where we sat on the ground and sent the youngest child back and forth for the delicious, albeit minuscule, cupcakes.  The wedding was the reason we were in Vegas, but the night before was my first one ever and it started off with a bang!  Caylin and I got in at around seven that Friday night and checked into the hotel--we stayed at the Excalibur.  Our room was kinda small and a bit tacky, but we were only planning on sleeping there so it wasn't a huge deal and we didn't really care.  That night, after we got all settled, Caylin and I decided we wanted to go to Margaritaville for a drink.  It was the best and most expensive margaritas of my life.  When we got back to the hotel, there was a huge line for the elevator and because it was our first night in the hotel, we didn't think anything of it.  However, after about five minutes of waiting to get into the elevator, the Las Vegas Fire Department came out of them.  Caylin, being her, said, "I bet they came from our room."  we laughed it off and then barged our way to the front of the line for the elevators.  (On a side note, the fire fighters in Vegas are freaking delicious!  I wanted to jump a few of them...not exaggerating....I actually debated the pros and cons of doing so.)  Anyways...we got up to our floor and what greets us?  A bunch of fire fighters and hotel maintenance standing outside of where our room should approximately be.  At that point, we began laughing hysterically because Caylin's previous statement was becoming less and less of a joke.  A police officer came toward us as we made our way down the hall and we asked him what room the fire was in.  He asked us what room we were in and after our answer said he thought the fire was in the room next to us, but he wasn't sure.  Now the panic began to set in a bit.  The fire turned out to be in the room next to ours, but our room was completely flooded.  This would have been absolutely horrible had Caylin and I followed our normal tendency of throwing all our stuff on the floor surrounding our beds, but this time we had pulled everything up and put them on any hard surface available, which was fantastic because we both brought our computers.  The firefighters laughed at us as we giggled while wading through the lake that used to be our carpeted floor and grabbed all our stuff as quickly as we could.  After we glanced back longingly at the delectable firemen, we went to the front desk to get a new room.  They tried to put us on the fifth floor in the smoking tower, yes tower, which would have been just as tacky as our previous room but would also reek of smoke.  Caylin, however, in her infinite wisdom, told the man helping us that she couldn't be in the smoking tower because she has asthma--not a verified fact.  We were then placed on the top floor of the smoking tower because they had no rooms available in the non-smoking tower.  The new room was B-E-A-UTIFUL!!!  We ended up getting a free upgrade.  The sheets were amazingly soft, the bathroom was gorgeous and the view was spectacular!  We actually had a pretty good view of The Strip and the hotel's pools.  And that was my first night in Vegas.  The next day, we slept in, had lunch with the family, and went to the wedding which I already explain.  After we left the "reception"  Caylin and I walked down to Paris Casino where we decided to play the penny slots.  We started out putting twenty dollars in the machine.  Caylin lost about fifty cents and I won seven.  After that we switched to the nickel slots.  Again Caylin lost money.  I hit a mysterious button, it took fifty cents and then the wheel thingys just kept turning.  It said I had ten free turns...I don't know how I got them.  At the end of the possessed machine's episode, it informed me that I had won 5850 credits, which meant nothing to me.  Then the credits started turning into money...that meant a lot to me.  I won three hundred three dollars and fifty cents on the nickel slots after which I promptly cashed out and changed my ticket out for money.  I gave Caylin twenty bucks because for some reason I felt guilty that she had lost while I had won so much, then I bought us both these huge drinks in an Eiffel Tower cup thingy.  The following day, we had breakfast--I paid--and checked out to go home.  I still had two hundred dollars left of my winnings.  It was a very exciting trip!  I have decided that I like Vegas very much.

Sorry that was so lengthy and not in chronological order.  Onto the school stuff.  It took me forever to register for classes!  I was going to take two online, but they both were only offered through the outreach college which was a hassle I wasn't willing to contend with.  One of the classes was then offered through the main college and I therefore jumped right on it.  The other refrained from such a course of action so I decided it was time to jump ship on that one.  I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get into a class that I needed for my History major because the adviser told me all the sections were full, but then, one day while I was looking at classes for upper division history, I saw the coveted green circle by this class.  There was one seat open and I'd be damned if someone else was going to get it.  I snatched it up supper fast!  I tried to register for two English classes for my English major--because as an undergraduate, Literature isn't offered as a major--but both said that I needed adviser approval.  I was late for my first adviser meeting because I got lost and so I had to reschedule it to the same day that Adam and I were going to sign our lease...big day!  It turns out that she used one of my transfer credits for one of the classes I was trying to get into and that the other class is a prerequisite for basically all of the other English courses I need to complete the major, so I got approved for that one and was able to sign up for it a week before school.  Instead of taking the abandoned online history course, I added a class on the French Enlightenment mostly because of where the building was positioned honestly.  I have completed the first week of classes and have decided that they are all acceptable and that I will be able to handle the one teacher who is an advocate of group work and that the other two are just too adorable to dislike.  The financial aid is presenting a bit of a problem for me at this point.  I got one federal student loan, but it isn't enough to cover all of my tuition.  My parents, for some inexplicable reason, were approved for the Parent PLUS loan, but they can't accept it and the school can't offer me more because they were approved.  I have tried to get a few private student loans, but I can't even get one for $3,000 which would be $1,500 a semester.  I need a cosigner, but my parents can't do it.  I am scared to ask Adam to help me, but I think that is my only option at this point.  It is really frelling depressing.  However, I am determined to think happy thoughts and am still attempting to convince myself that it will all work out well in the end.

Now, work.  I have worked about two weeks at the Creek now.  The people I work with are really nice and so are the people who shop there.  I am still learning the ropes and some of the women I work with kind of treat me like an idiot, but I'm new, so it's kind of to be expected.  I am still getting to know some of the ladies, but I pretty much already know that I am not a huge fan of three, maybe four of the ten or eleven that work there.  One is just kind of a nazi about her particular area of the store...not ok.  Two are just irritating, and the fourth...well the jury is still out on her--honestly one of the two irritating ones only really rubs me the wrong way on days when everything is really rubbing me the wrong way, so I suppose the jury is still out on her as well.  However, the work is alright, but the pay is crap, as are the hours so I am looking for another job, not necessarily a replacement job, but definitely a second job to help pay all the bills....I don't like being a big kid anymore.  It's great in theory, but in practice, I find it sorely lacking.  However, I did get a call today from Bare Minerals wanting to set up an in-person interview with me for the key holder position.  The woman I talked with was kind of turned off by the fact that I have classes on Tuesday/Thursday, but she said she may be able to work with that.  She loved that I had Key Holder experience and that I am already familiar with the line.  I am really hoping to get this job!  I am also really hoping that they can work with my class schedule so that I can be full-time.  If not, that's fine too, but I really need this job super fast.  I know that she didn't like that I was going to be out of town next weekend because of my plans to go to New Mexico with Genny and her family, but I already committed to this wedding and I said I was willing to come in whenever they need me for the training the next week.  I really, really want this job!!!!!!!  Pretty, pretty please let me get this job!

Other than all that, you haven't missed much in the life and times of Kerstin.  I still love him, I have inexplicable feelings for Ben and I am still not entirely sure how to classify our relationship, not that it matters to anyone other than me.  Oh, one new thing...Nate and I are now attempting to be friends...it's kind of weird, but nice all at the same time.  He even sent me a "happy birthday" facebook message which, let me tell you, threw me through a loop.  I'm not going to lie to you, when I saw that I had a message, I was hoping and praying that it was from boy I love, but that dream burst into flames and burned slowly into ashes, contributing heartily to my sour birthday mood.  I took the delusion that he would even call me on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday and when I took my phone out of my locker and saw that I had a voicemail, I let my heart hope it was him.  Was it?  Not even close.  Though, i did get a nice surprise on that one; it was Genny's grandma singing me "Happy Birthday"...i saved the message cause it was so freaking cute.  I still think about him far too much for it to be healthy and I still wish he still loved me and that he would come to his senses, show up on my doorstep and sweep me off my feet...but then I wake up and realize I don't actually live in a romance novel and that he is far too stubborn to ever come to his senses without several forms of torture coming into play.

Hmmm...I guess I just had to end on a rant...NO!  I will conclude this obnoxiously long entry with the fact that I am, thus far, rather enjoying living in Tucson.  It has rained a bunch, school is nice, I am making friends in a few of my classes, my books don't cost too much, and Adam is making living with him as nice as possible, though there are still times I want to punch him in the throat for no reason at all really, he just gets on my nerves sometimes and makes me uncomfortable other times...whatever, I live with a boy, uncomfortableness comes with the territory.

22

Hello loves...

I'm sorry I went AWOL there for a bit...I was a bad blogger. :-(

So, updates time!

I got the apartment in Tucson...it's official!  Adam and I went down on Saturday to put the deposit down and we were approved.  Awesome(!) right? It was until I told my mother.  Not even an hour later, she called me back to tell me that I need to get a car loan for $6,800 to buy Franny from them.  They were planning on just signing the title over to me and I would continue making payments to them every month and get my own car insurance.  I am fine with that plan.  However, my mom is so pissed that this move to Tucson is real now that she seems to be trying to sabotage it.  She knows damn well that I can't afford to get a loan and that I am still trying to find a way to pay for school.  Does she give a shit?  It would seem not.  I don't know if this is just her way of trying to get me to stay with her at the house or if she is trying to make me loathe her, but she sure is making it hard for me to attempt to maintain a good relationship with her.  My dad knows that I can't afford to get a loan and I can't afford to get a new car.  He, last we talked, just wanted to sign the car over to me and I would still make the payments to them because he knows I can't get a new car or get approved for a loan.  He and I have been through this over and over again.  Well, I tried again to apply for loans again, and again I was denied.  Another thing, I checked how much I still owe on Franny and it's only about $5,200--a little over that--so why the hell am I applying for loans for $6,800?  I am starting to see a future without a mother-daughter relationship in it for me.  I really hope I am not like this with my kids.

Another super fun thing that's going on in my life...I am waiting to hear back from Coldwater Creek in Tucson for a job.  The pay is shit and so are the hours, but at this point, I will take what I can get.  I am freaking the hell out because the manager is calling around for my references but she has only gotten hold of Pam, who gave me a sparkling reference--I LOVE HER.  I sent Debbie a message on Facebook and hopefully she will get it soon because I know she will make me look amazing as well.  I sent Gary a text asking him to call the manager and give her a reference for me, but I haven't heard back from him.  I need a job, at least two really and I don't have one yet.  I am freaking the hell out right now!!!!

Hmmmm...oh yes, I cried myself to sleep again the other night over him.  Why?  Great question!  I'm not entirely sure.  All I know is that I was thinking about him all day Sunday and the emotions completely drained me.  It was depression overload and I'm not sure what brought it on.  Maybe I had a dream about him and just don't remember it...I don't know.  All I know is that I was incredibly out of it all day.  I just went through the motions while he went through my brain.  I was so drained that day that I went to bed at nine thirty--I NEVER DO THAT--and I just started bawling.  Yesterday, the fun continued when I went over to his house so Adam could make a copy a movie for me.  I sat down and was talking to Amber and their dad, when dad decided it was a fantabulous time to ask if he was going to be bringing his girlfriend home with him in a few weeks when he's home on leave.  I FELT LIKE MY HEART WAS IN A DAMN VICE GRIP!!!!!!  Even Amber saw it and gave me a sympathetic smile.  I almost broke down crying on the short drive to my house from theirs!  I asked Ben to take my mind off it, but he just asked me a bunch of questions about him...not a great way to get someone's mind off a person, just in case you were wondering.  I have been on the verge of tears since Sunday and I don't think I am going to last much longer without another cry to sleep.  I still have to have my talk with his mother about what happened between us.  She was under the impression that I had broken up with him...not really.  I am interested to hear why he said we broke up and what his mom has to say to the fact that I am in love with him.  I really want to have this talk with her, but she hasn't been home when I come over lately and I haven't been able to wait for her.  Also, I finally said the words that I am in love with his little brother and we had a little chat about it.  It wasn't anything big, but it was progress so that's good.

Two things I am actually excited for are my meeting with my adviser next Friday and going to Vegas for the first time that same day.  I am excited about meeting with my adviser because I will hopefully get most if not all of my questions answered and hopefully she will be able to help me find a way to finance this whole thing.  I am excited about Vegas because...well, it's Vegas, who wouldn't be excited?!  I am going with my sister for my cousin's wedding.  I hope beyond hope that weekend goes amazingly well!  If it doesn't, the universe and I are going to have a serious little chatsy about messing with Kerstin's sanity and how utterly rude that is.  I may just burn another note for the universe to read soon.

I am seriously concerned that this move isn't going to work out well.  I need this to work out.  I need to be able to pay for everything I need.  At this point, who the hell cares what the apartment looks like as far as decorating goes, I just need the basics right now.  We can get the rest as we go.  I need to just let go of these grand delusions of everything being perfect.  This is going to be my first apartment...it's going to be pretty ugly.  This is going to be my first experience away from home...it's going to be hell on my sanity and my bank account.  I will make this work though.  I will get a loan--at least one--and then I will apply for scholarships next time...EARLY!, I will get at least one job--most likely two, honestly.  I will pay my rent and bills on time--well with a day to spare on either side.  I will not fail Adam!  This WILL work!!!!!

I can always use your advice, so bring it on!  Pass it on in anyway you can!  PLEASE!!!! Especially on the finances and on boy I love.

21)

If the people you love the most tell you enough times that you can't do something, you will inevitably start to believe it.  That is the current predicament I find myself in.  I can't even fathom explaining how much this hurts.  On a daily basis, I find myself questioning the one constant source of support I have had my entire life.  My family has always been there for me.  They have always loved me unconditionally, but now....  I just don't feel like that anymore.  I know they still love me, nothing can convince me otherwise.   However, is the support still there?  No, is the resounding answer I find I have to face.  My sister, the one person in the entire world who knows all my secrets, the one I go to when I am in trouble first, she has basically told me that she won't be there for me if I move to Tucson.  I hate this!  Why do I have to chose between letting her down and letting myself down?  She is so concerned with preventing me from feeling like I have failed when the Tucson move doesn't end well--which it probably won't because I'm not sure how compatible Adam and I will be as roommates.  Why then, through all of this concern, can't she see that if I don't do this, I will have already have failed horribly.  She may have forgotten, but I have already experienced this feeling of utter failure and acceptance of what I have to settle for.  My senior year of high school, I was accepted to the school of my dreams, Whittier--a liberal arts college in California.  My family told me there was no way I could go.  I felt like my heart had shattered.  My friends were my support system at that time.  They were outraged that my family had let me down, allowed me to believe that I wasn't good enough.  Actually Amber and her little brother, you know the one I am in love with, were the most vocal and pissed about it.  They encouraged me to try and do it anyways, but I had already accepted it as impossible.  They haven't forgotten that moment.  I haven't forgotten that moment, that feeling of utter and complete loneliness and failure.  It is something that sticks with you.  So now, with that feeling in mind and my newly acquired sense of self-sufficientcy--however brutally misguided it may be--I am determined to make this move work.  I will get a place with Adam.  I will get my degree and go to a great graduate school.  I will find at least one job.  I will be able to pay all my bills on time...or really close to on time.  I will succeed.  I will do whatever it takes to make this work...within reason, at least...I won't sell a kidney or any other part of me...don't worry about that.  I will keep my damned dignity!
 
This will work! 

I will not fail!

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest...