7)

I am happy today and have no clue why.  It is rather bothersome really.  I mean, I did find out that Janet Evanovich is releasing a new Stephanie Plum Novel June 22, and that always makes me smile, but not enough to last all day....  Disconcerting!

It seems that my days of late are spent more in the glow of smiles than in the gloom of my normal bitter self.  I am, of course, thinking about him and still getting the warm fuzzies when I do.  Maybe that is it.  Maybe it is because I am finally getting my Associates after four years.  No, I was not slacking off...not really.  I was taking all the classes I could that had to do with either of my majors...it just so happens that no matter how many history or literature classes you take, you still have to have a Literacy credit and two lab sciences.  How I managed to take about 7 literature classes and not have at least one of them count for a Literacy credit...I may never know.  The only difference I can see in the other classes and this Literature and Film class I am taking for the ominous L credit is that there is a bunch of group activities.  I am planning on teaching...not running a business where I have to work in groups...as a teacher I get to force others to work in groups.

I still think love sucks though.  I am just more happy about it.  I know, that makes a serious lack of sense.  If you really think about it from my point of view though, I think you may be able to see a glimmer of light.  (Don't worry, I am not expecting total comprehension...I haven't even accomplished that and mine is the brain that came up with it.)  In theory, I had love.  I don't actually know if he really loved me.  Sure he said so, but he has lied to me before.  Don't get me wrong, I have awesome self-esteem, but there are far more convincing reasons to assume he lied about loving me than to believe he did...or does, whichever the case may be.  The fact that he just let me off the hook when I told him he didn't love me and didn't press me for answers may signify his lack of conviction.  The fact that he broke up with me three days later without even the hint of a fight might also lead more towards the lack of love side.  However, arguments on the very same events can be presented for the opposing side.  (This is the kind of thing that goes on in my brain on a daily basis.  People may wonder why I just randomly go for little jaunts on my own...this is why...I am running all this through my head...it is better accomplished in solitude.  Plus, it is good exercise.)  Then I start to replay all the events of our post-breakup in my head.  All the things he did or avoided doing when he was home on leave...oh goodness they provide juicy little morsels for my over-active brain to munch on.  For instance, the first time we saw each other after breaking up was when I was picking up his older brother for a movie, Ice Age 3, and they were both waiting outside.  Adam, my best friend and his older brother, made me get out of the car to give him a hug.  Well...immediately after the hug, he gets all cold on me.  I blocked out all sensation during the hug because I didn't, and still don't, want to admit feeling anything.  Keep in mind, at this point he is in another relationship and, as I found out a few days later, ENGAGED.  This was about three...maybe four months after he and I broke up--just more reason for me to believe he lied.  However, how can I explain his total aversion to physical contact with me after the initial hug?  It was really interesting when he came to the 3am showing of Harry Potter with pretty much my entire group.  It got even more interesting when he preferred my sister's company to mine.  Caylin is not a person he gets along with.  In fact, they hate each other, but he was exceptionally nice to her.  Also, he got up to smoke about every five minutes.  He only smokes when he is stressed out and I have NEVER seen him smoke so much in the span of two hours in my life!  He also took a shot of whiskey before coming out with me.  Was spending time with me when we weren't even alone together that daunting of a task, he had to take a shot to take the edge off?  Now, it makes me smile, when I initially found out, it pissed me off.

What can I say? I love the boy no matter how dumb he acts.  It makes it only easier for me to twist his actions and words to mean that he was telling the truth, which is, I think, the root cause for the infernal smiles that keep crossing my lips even when the world seems to be falling apart around me.  Now, don't take this to mean that I believe love conquers all.  It doesn't.  Whoever said it did obviously never had any bills to pay and lived in a Utopian society...or was the village idiot.

And with that little treasure, I shall be off to bed.  Goodnight lovelies!  I hope you all find love and that yours is much more active than mine...silly passive and probably scared boys (they probably couldn't find their heads in their asses with two hands and a map, but we love them nonetheless and are still hoping they find us...it is seriously messed up).  Good luck to us all!

6

Happy March chitlins!

Well...the end of February was not very nice to me.  Only really in one way, but still.  I went to the dog park with my sister and her motley crew and Maddie, my dog.  Caylin's landlady was there with her two boxers, well only Lily was hers, Taylor was her friend's.  Well...Caylin and her landlady were talking while I was playing with all the dogs, all six of them.  Two other dogs were running around, having a blasties and one of them ran into my knee while I was turned sideways.  Needless to say, my knee gave out, tears sprang immediately to my eyes, but I refused to cry at the dog park.  So...I manned up and held off the tears.  I was expecting the pain to stop the next day when I woke up...but noooooooo.  The next day it hurt worse and was swollen.  Caylin said that if it still hurt when the weekend comes, she is going to force me to go to the doctor.  Until then, I am just wearing a brace to help stabilize it.

Other than that, I went to the Renaissance Festival on Saturday with my family.  It was a lot of fun...we bought a gnome playing a guitar. It is so cute!  I was very proud of my mom because she was able to make it all the way around the Festival even with her foot hurting her so badly.  Daddy paid for Caylin and I to throw axes and this was the first time they actually saw us throw.  They said it was a lot of fun because they could hear the guys behind us be impressed.  The two guys that were working the axe throw were hilarious!!!!  As Caylin and I were leaving the first time, they started yelling "I LOVE YOU" at us.  It was so funny!  We got our chocolate...always a good time...chocolate covered strawberries are my favorite!

I really need to get back on track with my online computer class!  We have the midterm this week--due on Friday--and I am behind about two or three weeks on the homework for it.  This is not good, as, I am sure, you can imagine.  Also, I HATE my geography class!!  It is just not a subject I am interested in or even vaguely interested in worrying about getting an A in this class.  I need this class to graduate, so I will maintain a B...maybe a C because the teacher isn't explaining things well.  I am going to do the extra credit because I doubt I will get a B without it and because it is super easy and I actually like the Science Center--yes, I am a nerd.  I have A's in all my other classes, but in those two...I am just going with a B.

Lastly, I find it a bit odd that these days, when I think about...you know who...I can't stop smiling.  It is kind of freaking me out a bit.  I am not used to only remembering the good times and the good feelings he would make me feel.  I am used to remembering how it ended and all the times he broke my heart as he left again and again.  I am used to feeling the same emptiness that he would always leave me with every time he would build up my hopes only to send them crashing on the shores when his leave would end.  But nooooooooo...I feel all the warm and fuzzy feelings when I think about him.  Its like all I remember is the way he made me feel the day he asked me if I was his.  That was my favorite day of our relationship.  I am super lame and remember the actual date--February 7, 2009.  We talked on and off the entire day until I went to see Lion King with my family.  He was so sweet and so cute.  That was the day I realized I was in love with him.  Now, I am back to that day and those feelings and it is a bit disconcerting because he isn't even talking to me.  Maybe it is because I have realized that he was acting like he was still in love with me this last time he was home up until the last night when he turned into an ass and it may actually be promising.  I don't want to get my hopes up again and have them come crashing down, but I love him.  If that is what happens, then that is what happens.  I don't want to wait for him, but I keep comparing every other guy to him and they generally fall short in more than a few categories.  Oh well, at least I am a little happier in love these days and not so island-unto-myself-y.

Well, my little loves, that is all I have to report for now.  Oh...except that my geology lecture teacher is adorable and I love her!  She is telling the class stories about her old geese and ducks...not a fan of the aviary animals, but she is just to happy to have had them.