7)

I am happy today and have no clue why.  It is rather bothersome really.  I mean, I did find out that Janet Evanovich is releasing a new Stephanie Plum Novel June 22, and that always makes me smile, but not enough to last all day....  Disconcerting!

It seems that my days of late are spent more in the glow of smiles than in the gloom of my normal bitter self.  I am, of course, thinking about him and still getting the warm fuzzies when I do.  Maybe that is it.  Maybe it is because I am finally getting my Associates after four years.  No, I was not slacking off...not really.  I was taking all the classes I could that had to do with either of my majors...it just so happens that no matter how many history or literature classes you take, you still have to have a Literacy credit and two lab sciences.  How I managed to take about 7 literature classes and not have at least one of them count for a Literacy credit...I may never know.  The only difference I can see in the other classes and this Literature and Film class I am taking for the ominous L credit is that there is a bunch of group activities.  I am planning on teaching...not running a business where I have to work in groups...as a teacher I get to force others to work in groups.

I still think love sucks though.  I am just more happy about it.  I know, that makes a serious lack of sense.  If you really think about it from my point of view though, I think you may be able to see a glimmer of light.  (Don't worry, I am not expecting total comprehension...I haven't even accomplished that and mine is the brain that came up with it.)  In theory, I had love.  I don't actually know if he really loved me.  Sure he said so, but he has lied to me before.  Don't get me wrong, I have awesome self-esteem, but there are far more convincing reasons to assume he lied about loving me than to believe he did...or does, whichever the case may be.  The fact that he just let me off the hook when I told him he didn't love me and didn't press me for answers may signify his lack of conviction.  The fact that he broke up with me three days later without even the hint of a fight might also lead more towards the lack of love side.  However, arguments on the very same events can be presented for the opposing side.  (This is the kind of thing that goes on in my brain on a daily basis.  People may wonder why I just randomly go for little jaunts on my own...this is why...I am running all this through my head...it is better accomplished in solitude.  Plus, it is good exercise.)  Then I start to replay all the events of our post-breakup in my head.  All the things he did or avoided doing when he was home on leave...oh goodness they provide juicy little morsels for my over-active brain to munch on.  For instance, the first time we saw each other after breaking up was when I was picking up his older brother for a movie, Ice Age 3, and they were both waiting outside.  Adam, my best friend and his older brother, made me get out of the car to give him a hug.  Well...immediately after the hug, he gets all cold on me.  I blocked out all sensation during the hug because I didn't, and still don't, want to admit feeling anything.  Keep in mind, at this point he is in another relationship and, as I found out a few days later, ENGAGED.  This was about three...maybe four months after he and I broke up--just more reason for me to believe he lied.  However, how can I explain his total aversion to physical contact with me after the initial hug?  It was really interesting when he came to the 3am showing of Harry Potter with pretty much my entire group.  It got even more interesting when he preferred my sister's company to mine.  Caylin is not a person he gets along with.  In fact, they hate each other, but he was exceptionally nice to her.  Also, he got up to smoke about every five minutes.  He only smokes when he is stressed out and I have NEVER seen him smoke so much in the span of two hours in my life!  He also took a shot of whiskey before coming out with me.  Was spending time with me when we weren't even alone together that daunting of a task, he had to take a shot to take the edge off?  Now, it makes me smile, when I initially found out, it pissed me off.

What can I say? I love the boy no matter how dumb he acts.  It makes it only easier for me to twist his actions and words to mean that he was telling the truth, which is, I think, the root cause for the infernal smiles that keep crossing my lips even when the world seems to be falling apart around me.  Now, don't take this to mean that I believe love conquers all.  It doesn't.  Whoever said it did obviously never had any bills to pay and lived in a Utopian society...or was the village idiot.

And with that little treasure, I shall be off to bed.  Goodnight lovelies!  I hope you all find love and that yours is much more active than mine...silly passive and probably scared boys (they probably couldn't find their heads in their asses with two hands and a map, but we love them nonetheless and are still hoping they find us...it is seriously messed up).  Good luck to us all!