27)

We're going to make this one short, because I am currently procrastinating a paper that's due in a few hours and I haven't started it yet.

Alright, Andrew is acting strange around me but no longer moves to another room when I come in, so I figured it was time to add him back on Facebook.  Juvenile, yes, but it made me happy when he accepted.  What can I say, I still love the boy, but that doesn't detract from the fact that I still know we aren't right for one another.  He keeps smiling at me and trying to make eye contact...I'm actively focusing on not thinking about it too much, though it slips to the forefront every once and a while.

In other news, I think that if I were to see Ben out and about anywhere, I may just walk up and punch him in the back of the head, or perhaps...lower.  The more I read or be around another person, namely Rachel, while she is reading it to another person, the madder I get.  I am so pissed off that I would ever have dated someone who would do that to me and for such ridiculous reasons.  Again, not contesting the whole breaking up thing, but the fact that it was via facebook and because I am too smart and a virgin.  UGH... I really want to hurt him.

Other than that, I am having a hard time enjoying work.  Don't get me wrong, I love what I do, but I do not enjoy the behind-the-scenes bullshit we have going on.  The changing of schedules with consulting those people affected.  The fact that we still don't have April's schedule and April starts in about three days...not cool.  Apparently, I may not be able to transfer to the boutique in Scottsdale because we don't make our sales goals.  If that is the case, I am going to be rather pissed off because that wouldn't be at all fair.  It's not my fault that I can't make my goals because the company chose a piss-poor mall to put us in.  Also, I apparently make crap at this job compared to the other girls.  I thought I was making bank because it is more than I have ever made.  Nope.  Not the case.  I'm starting to not like my job and that is not cool because that was really the only thing I was liking about Tucson these days.

On that subject, Rachel, Rita and Marina have started showing me all the awesomeness Tucson has to offer and I do have to admit, the city is great, but everything I'm doing here sucks ass.  Last week, the girls took me to Gates Pass for the sunset and it was so much fun.  We climbed a mini mountain with inappropriate foot attire and made snarky comments the entire time.  Next we are going to go to Sabino Canyon because none of us have been and my dad said i can't move back home until I go there.  We are also going to go to Mount Lemon and to the Pima County Fair in April.  I am so excited. I love these girls and they make life awesome, plus we are all ass holes, so it's always a good time when we get together. :-)

I also have a recently developed crush on this guy who works in the mall.  I don't know much about him, but he has the most amazing smile I have ever seen.  HOLY CRAP!!!  Seriously...most amazing smile ever.  He is really nice and super sweet, plus now he's started looking for me when he passes by my store.  I feel like i'm in middle school all over again...he's great, but we haven't actually been introduced yet and every time we talk, I always forget that tidbit...

Yours always,

Love-struck and loving it. <3

26

As promised, here is the facebook message from the newly ex-ified Ben.  Have fun with it. ;-)

Hey Kerstin, I think we should talk...I hope you dont hate me afterward because i very much value your friendship...but i just dont see this working at all...we are far far far two different people..you are so smart and so educated so very far past me and im just some guy youve known forever...you need someone that can relate to you in all ways..i dont seem to be able to relate to you in any way...i dont understand why you do the things you do or why the way you are...honestly ive been thinking about it for awhile i just havent had the balls to say anything..i was afraid to hurt you but the farther i went in the more i realized that to go farther it would only hurt more and more..you are too smart for me Kerstin you need someone you can relate too...and I need someone more physical...someone who can share the love of making love in and for a relationship...relationships need sex at a later age as we are now and without it im just antsy all the time and i dont want to cheat on you so i need to break this off so i can have what i need..sex is a very important part of a relationship in my opinion and is important in most opinions unless you are a virgin..so i understand where you are coming from but we just arent right for that very circumstance...i need someone who relates to me and understands me and my needs.. and as far as i can see i dont think you understand me at all...i mean sometimes we cant even text each other without getting confused because neither of us understands what the other is thinking...im not good for you Kerstin...you can do so so so much better than me and you deserve better for that matter...im nothing and i dont want you to get stuck with me before it is too late...the only thing i would suggest is to get into as many relationships as you can Kerstin...im not trying to be mean but you do need the experience...i was trying to give it to you but its just not working out..you need to open up more...and in my opinion stop being so so smart with your significant other...you cant be serious all the time...where is the fun in that? be more playful and let loose once in awhile and forget everything that makes any sense and that means anything and just have fun.... be crazy, be spontaneous, be anything......just dont hold back just because it isnt the "correct" thing to do...i doubt you will know what i mean by that but i honestly dont know how else to explain it...i dont know where im going with this i just know that im lost with you...especially after reading twilight..i hope you dont think this is stupid but i read how bella and edward felt towards each other and it was incredible. i have felt that with someone in my own experience but i do not feel it with you...i read how in love they are and i keep thinking about our relationship and how nothing they say is anywhere near how i feel about you..honestly im not trying to be mean in anyway but i need to speak my mind and i cant go on in a relationship i dont think will work for the sake of someone else, in my opinion its just wrong and hurtful so im just being honest..and again i really hope you dont hate me for this becuase i really really really would like to remain being close friends with you...but i think i got into this relationship for all the wrong reasons...i was alone in arizona with no one to talk to so i started talking to you and venting to you about all my problems...and you were there for me everytime and i loved it...i stilll love it..but the main reason i got into a relationship with you was because you were there for me and i was there for you if you needed me to be, and i still will be there for you if you need me to be...because i do love you..just not as a girlfriend..so i thought since we were there for each other that maybe we should try a relationship...i was wrong..we are just way to different in my opinion as much as i would like to teach you so many things physically im afraid you would get far to attached..so i just dont see it working....i hope so much you still want to be friends and that you dont hate me...i would even still love to hang out with you and go on dates and such but i just dont see us together unless its a casual thing if you understand my meaning...just know i will always be here for you and i will always be your friend..you were always there for me and i hope i can still count you as my friend..you still mean alot to me and im sorry if this hurts but i honestly just dont see it working....i love you..as a friend... Ben

AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!  Is that not the funniest thing you have ever read?  I know, me too.  Well, I have to go study for a midterm, so I will likely chatsy tomorrow.  Loves!!!

25)

So....yeah it's been awhile.  I'm sorry.  That's my bad.  It's been about...oh snap...it's been seven months since my last post.  I am such a wretched blogger.  I have quite a few little updates for you, my loves.  Be excited.  Are you waiting breathlessly?  No?  I can't blame you with my current track record.

Firstly, I have officially gotten closure with the saga that was Andrew.  It's exciting. As previously mentioned, though admittedly seven months ago, best friend gave me until the end of October to tell Andrew how I feel about him.  I did.  The shorthand version of that conversation was basically, me telling him I love him and have for years, him telling me he's over it and then the conversation ending.  Post conversation--which was over text message because he was a chicken and refused to call/answer my calls--I had a mini-mental breakdown.  I had an actual panic attack in which I could not move.  I wanted to get off my bed, but I couldn't move my arms or legs.  I couldn't even catch my breath.  It felt like hours had gone by in this state, when it was likely less than a minute, but I thought I was actually going to die.  It was terrifying and I do not suggest having such a breakdown if you can ever get the option to.  After that, I cried for about twenty minute jags.  However, this was followed by a sense of calm over the following few days after I cried about it to my father.  Daddy's advice is to wait until I'm 27 and then find a guy because that is when they start to grow up. 

Another adventure in dating is the second topic for discussion.  Ben.  He and I started dating in the beginning of January.  It went fairly well.  The problem...we were not at all compatible.  He was an alright kisser, and it made me feel good when he would act like an idiot after I kissed him.  We had fun when we went out, however...I had a few issues with some of the things he stood for.  My problems included, but were not limited to, his family values--he didn't value his as much as I value mine--he didn't like kids and I love them, no matter if he'd been sworn to secrecy, he would still tell me anything and he would give me crap about not telling him everything when I said I would never tell.  I am, or was yesterday at least, upset with him because he decided to break up with me in a facebook message.  I'll upload it tomorrow.  It'll be a good read.  I know I wasn't really as into him as I thought because as I read his message, I was checking the thing for spelling and grammar problems and I was irritated with the blatant abuse of ellipses.  One thing I will forever be grateful to him for helping me realize that I am also not compatible with Andrew.  I do find it rather interesting that I am just as happy without Ben as I was with him, which is causing concern in those around me.  I seemed to be falling for Ben, but evidently, that wasn't the case.  It feels a little weird not to be texting with him all day every day, but I figure, that is to be expected considering we had three months of it.  he still wants to be friends and I am thinking that is fine with me, but I'm not entirely sure as of yet.  The basic premise of his breakup message was that I was too smart for him--which is true--and that he wasn't entirely thrilled with the fact that I was a virgin and basically he was too horny to wait for me to be comfortable.  My thing is that had he just come down to Tucson, I wouldn't still be a virgin.  Oh well, I'm actually happy now and pretty much every one, ok take out the "pretty much", agrees that he was an idiot to break up via facebook.

Anyways....  This is my last semester at UA.  I am moving back home hopefully as soon as it's over.  I am crossing my fingers that I will simply be able to transfer to the BE in Scottsdale because I love my job.  Tucson was a good life experience for me and I'll miss the sushi, my new friends, and all the pretty mountains that surround my apartment, but we do not make a good combination.  I'll have to come back and visit every once and a while to visit my BE girls and my new friends...perhaps even the mountains.  While I do not particularly wish to move back in with my parents, the deal was that until Caylin moves out, I stay at home and then I will live with her.  I know, I know...yes this is something I have bitched about at great length before.  However, my reasoning is thus...living with a friend did not work.  I don't even talk to Adam and he is living in the same freaking apartment as I am.  I knew going into this that I would very likely lose a friend, but I honestly didn't mind all that much.  That seems cold and heartless, I know, but you try living with him.  He's a social pariah!  However, if I live with my sister, I can't actually lose her, we're stuck together for life, plus we always fight and then make up.  She didn't talk to me for about a month and a half after I moved here.  I think she was pissed at me for abandoning her with the parental units to another city unlike her move a few miles away.  If I live with Caylin, yeah, we'll fight and we'll probably beat the crap out of each other on a monthly if not weekly basis, but we will always have each others backs when it matters, though I might as well laminate that damn V-card now...then we could just hang it on the wall next to my bed my the machete.

It has gotten to the point where I am so unhappy living down here that I don't even care about school anymore.  ME!  Not care about school?! I just stopped going to one class and I didn't even drop it...that's not going to look good on the transcripts, but I can't seem to care.  The other two classes I have on campus, I ditch periodically just because I don't feel like going.  Really?!  I'm that girl now?!  I love my apartment, but I would love it more if it were a one bedroom with the same amount for rent.  Living on my own is great other than the fact that it's making me fat.  I am so much more active at home than I am here.  I did just get myself some of the Reebok Easy Tones and I love those, though I don't go for walks, I just wear them to classes.  I do want to start working out more, but I don't have anyone to go with and that makes me not want to do it at all.  I need someone to push me, but I refuse to diet, so just hold your breath on that one.

Hmmm...I guess that just about covers everything.  I feel better now that I've actually written something.  I promise, I'll post Ben's message tomorrow.  Loves to you!!