31)

Alright kiddos, I promise I will try not to make this post a downer like the last one was.  Yikes...that was a touch needy, I know.

So basically I am super concerned about my best friend, Genny.  She has been uber down for the past few weeks.  I know she would never even consider suicide or anything like that, but still, my best-friend-spidey-senses aren't liking her current routine.  She doesn't talk much, she isn't as exuberant as she used to be, and every time she lets her guard down just for a second, its painfully obvious how miserable she is.  Spend five minutes with her these days and you'll want to jump off the nearest building too.  I know exactly what her problems are too, but they aren't anything I can fix.  She is moving to California in January for eight months.  Ever since she found out she got this internship, she's been in a super depressed fog and I can't get her out of it.  I know its not just because of the move that she's down.  She went out on a date with this guy from one of her classes and that only made her downer mode PLUMMET.  Its not like she didn't have a good time with the guy.  They made good conversation and had fun, but she's being all kinds of Debbie-downer and can't just let it be.  She actually said "he's too much of a good boy" and then she told me that he drinks too much so obviously he's not that much of a good boy...

Here's the thing with Genny, she likes to blame everything on Andrew--yes, my ex is also her ex, but she forced us together so its not weird for us.  I can understand why she wants to blame everything on him but she's wrong.  I knew her before she and Andrew had their little thing and she was always like this.  The girl, though I love her tremendously, has less than no self-esteem.  She thinks that because she let Andrew get past second base in a moment of weakness on Prom Night Junior Year (yeah, its capitalized...its just that infamous), that she can blame her ineptitude on him.  (Yes, I am jealous that she got further with him than I did...base-wise, there.  Curiosity quenched?)  She wants to blame everything on him because then she doesn't have to look to herself to point the fingers.  I have told her time and time again that she can't keep blaming him because it isn't his fault.  Yes, he treated her like SHIT.  Yes, he treated me like his girlfriend while he was dating her, which makes him an asshole.  Yes, he barely talked to her, especially when I was around and that makes him a bigger asshole.

However, she didn't stand up for herself.  She didn't tell him to knock the shit off or she'd beat that hell out of him.  She let him get away with everything.  She had the control that night.  She didn't have to fool around with him that night--which, by the way, nearly killed me when they went back to his room.  I don't think she has accepted why she let him do it.  I know why, because I know her better than she knows herself it would seem.  She did it because she thought it meant that she was worth something, but she wasn't taking into account that Andrew just wanted to get laid and he really didn't care who with.  I hate to be cynical about the man I love, but that guy would have done just about anything for sex or anything even close to sex and quite frankly, every time I think about he and Genny fooling around, I just get mad and hurt and my heart hurts all over again because I didn't even get a fucking kiss...sorry....  Anyways....  She is my best friend in the entire world and I can't keep seeing her go down this same road over and over again.  She keeps dating assholes because they aren't concerned with boosting her self esteem and she thinks she deserves that shitty treatment, which is complete BULLSHIT.

So now, I am on a mission.
Mission name: Fix Team Genny.
Time frame: before she leaves for California.
Plan: unknown, but possibly includes taking her up to the woods and chaining her to a tree till she knocks this shit off.
Mission statement:  Gennifer Frost, best friend of team leader, is broken and moving away from all person who can help her realize how wonderful she truly is.  She is broken because she cannot accept the truth of both her past and her reality.  We cannot send her off onto the unknowing and unprepared Disneyland in January without rectifying the situation.  While we know that she will get over the depression of moving away for eight months, she won't get over the bad self-esteem and the bad relationships.  We MUST do something about this!
Other important information: We are currently accepting volunteers.  Please apply.

Over and out,
Team Leader K

30

The current/recurring dilemma...I love him and it hurts.  This is very likely due to the fact that I haven't seem him at all in three months and I know he's in town.  Think about how you feel when you have coffee every day for nine years and then you suddenly quit cold turkey, but you still have to walk by that damn Starbucks everyday and smell all the delicious and enticing things that lie within...yeah, it's like that, but with a person.  I find, that I try to work asking about hi into conversations and I don't really listen to what others say because I'm too busy hoping they'll mention him instead.  My brain keeps conjuring up all of these fantasies of what it could be like, not just the sex, but life with him.  I keep fantasizing about he and I getting back together and working it all out, which is total bullshit.  I promise, I do actually realize that, but it never really matters, he is still so deeply routed in my consciousness, that I--it's like a tumor or something.  Can you wish for something so much and so devoutly that it poisons you so that you can never be really truly happy again?

The real problem...I don't want to let go of my fantasy.  That is the real issue I need help with...probably professional help.  Do they have interventions for people who won't let go of a dead/dying love?  Every time I go to his house, I always look for his car and my heart plummets when I don't see it and I NEVER see it.  I want to see him.  I want to look at him and see what I feel reflected back at me.  The chances of that ever happening aren't good.  I think I wish I didn't want him so bad, but I can't actually promise that is true.  I have lost touch with myself.  Was I ever in touch with myself?  I find myself wondering that very thing these days.  Do I have any idea who the hell I am?  I am starting to think I don't know.  I wish I did.  I always feel like I need to run.  Like I have to be prepared to get the hell out of dodge at any given moment.

I need to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!  I need to know that some one some where will in fact love me for exactly who I am.  I need a...I don't know what I need, just that I need to feel that loved and cherished again.  I'm 23 years old.  When is it my turn to be loved?  Will I throw it away again?  I hope not, but at least let me try to make it work out differently this time.

Lost and lonely...
K