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The current/recurring dilemma...I love him and it hurts.  This is very likely due to the fact that I haven't seem him at all in three months and I know he's in town.  Think about how you feel when you have coffee every day for nine years and then you suddenly quit cold turkey, but you still have to walk by that damn Starbucks everyday and smell all the delicious and enticing things that lie within...yeah, it's like that, but with a person.  I find, that I try to work asking about hi into conversations and I don't really listen to what others say because I'm too busy hoping they'll mention him instead.  My brain keeps conjuring up all of these fantasies of what it could be like, not just the sex, but life with him.  I keep fantasizing about he and I getting back together and working it all out, which is total bullshit.  I promise, I do actually realize that, but it never really matters, he is still so deeply routed in my consciousness, that I--it's like a tumor or something.  Can you wish for something so much and so devoutly that it poisons you so that you can never be really truly happy again?

The real problem...I don't want to let go of my fantasy.  That is the real issue I need help with...probably professional help.  Do they have interventions for people who won't let go of a dead/dying love?  Every time I go to his house, I always look for his car and my heart plummets when I don't see it and I NEVER see it.  I want to see him.  I want to look at him and see what I feel reflected back at me.  The chances of that ever happening aren't good.  I think I wish I didn't want him so bad, but I can't actually promise that is true.  I have lost touch with myself.  Was I ever in touch with myself?  I find myself wondering that very thing these days.  Do I have any idea who the hell I am?  I am starting to think I don't know.  I wish I did.  I always feel like I need to run.  Like I have to be prepared to get the hell out of dodge at any given moment.

I need to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!  I need to know that some one some where will in fact love me for exactly who I am.  I need a...I don't know what I need, just that I need to feel that loved and cherished again.  I'm 23 years old.  When is it my turn to be loved?  Will I throw it away again?  I hope not, but at least let me try to make it work out differently this time.

Lost and lonely...
K