36

WARNING: This post is going to start with a total over-share.  If that make you uncomfortable...you've probably been feeling that way for a while now and should be used to it so keep reading anyway.  Conflict, even interior conflict, build character.  That's right, I'm telling you to go out there and get in people's faces when they piss you off and don't back down.

Anyways...I just though I'd mention how different this period has been for me, in an unsettling way.  Normally, my emotions aren't in the shitter all the frelling time when the red tide's-a-runnin', but this time, it's like I'm on downers with anger issues the entire time.  I quite literally had to stop myself from punching one of the girls at work last night.  I was THIS close--ok you can't see, but my fingers are super close together over here.  Keep in mind, I already don't like this girl, but I love my job and pretty much everything about it, but yesterday, I wanted to break down and cry.  That's exactly what I did do when I was talking to my parents about it when I finally got home last night.  My mother made me take a super hot bath with music and lots of wine so I would calm down.

Also, my plethora of romance novels I've been reading lately are actually starting to make me feel better about my whole being a virgin thing.  However, the one I just finished reading made me a little scared to finally have sex.  The heroine--that's right, she's my hero in all these books, take it--got pregnant after having sex once when she'd waited until she was 26 to finally give it up.  I mean really...what's that about.  So not fair. Breath, yes I know these are fictional characters, but I know this happens.  It's not like they didn't used a fictional condom in they're fictional sex-fest--I'm making it sound way more juicy than it actually was.  Note: do not fall asleep with a guy still inside you even if he has a condom...my book says you're gonna get knocked up.

In related news...I'm slipping a little on the Andrew front. It's not on purpose!  The other week I was having a bad day and that's generally when I want to see him anyway because for some asinine reason he makes me feel better just by being there.  Don't ask me why, but he does..he's my tranquilizer and I really, REALLY needed it that day.  I was out driving--I don't even remember where too--and it took everything I had in me not to go to his house hoping he was there and just launch myself into his arms as if his holding me would solve all my problems when we all know it would only create more than I have time to deal with.  However, this seemed like a super awesome plan in my hormone addled brain at the time.  Don't worry, I resisted.  Since then, it's gotten a little better, but I still want to see him.  I really need closure and I really, REALLY need people to stop saying that the whole he avoids all contact, physical or otherwise, one visit and the next he make an effort to talk to me and smile and make eye contact means that he still has feelings for me.  I'll tell you what, if someone, and I really don't care who it is at this point, can tell me without a doubt that he still loves me and wants me, I will go straight to his house and plant a big kiss on him immediately following that revelation.  I am still trying to make a conscious effort to keep him out of my brain, but there are times when i just can't seem to win and he is always there--not physically, of course, but mentally the bastard won't leave me alone.  I know I can't actually blame Andrew for my brain/heart's reluctance to let him go, but it's not like I want to take the responsibility.  I have accepted that I will forever love him and that he will forever hold a piece of me, but I have also tried to accept that I need to move on and let him go with whatever piece of me he unknowingly holds.  I also know that should he ever read the words in these posts about him, I might just expire on the spot as though someone shot me point blank, but part of me really kinda hopes he does one day...preferably when I'm on another continent...

Why can't life be like the movies?  Most people get a happy ending one way or the other unless you're watching those independent films...or foreign films.  Other countries have it right when they make their films.  They aren't concerned with coddling the population.  They tell it like it is.  There are no happy endings in life.  That wouldn't be life.  The only people who actually have a good go of it are the liars and cheats and you have to figure they are dealing with some major stress trying to keep all their stories straight and worrying about what's going to happen next.  News flash: THERE ARE NO HAPPY ENDINGS, KIDS.  SUCK IT UP AND MOVE THE HELL ON.  Just put one foot in front of the other and eventually you can just call it a day.

Cynical in Scottsdale,
K

35)

Ok, here's the thing about me you have probably already gathered, but I'm gonna tell you anyway...I constantly make bad life decisions and then feel little to no remorse about them.  In fact, even as I am typing this, I am making one and I can't seem to convince myself to stop.  This may warrant some serious psychological help...

What is my current bad choice you ask?  Well, do you remember Matt from Tucson?  Yeah, that's the one.  I was struck by a wild hair while doing my homework this evening and texted him. Now we are talking...well, flirting, and I really don't want to stop.  Now, before you say anything (!) he is 1) not an Andrew wanna-be and 2) I am a little lonely and in need of a good flirt...he takes care of that.  Plus, he's not seeing anyone and is more than willing to let go of our less than pleasant non-break-up.  I am trying to convince him to give me his dog...so cute.  He is a nice guy and, honestly, I miss him.  Not in a "I just miss flirting" kind of way, but I actually miss him.  He was always so nice and funny and sweet and I miss that.  Plus he's super fun.

Anyways...let's go ahead and move on from my likely, very serious lapse in judgement.  I went to Flagstaff this past Sunday with Caylin and all five dogs to frolic in the snow and do the fat girl's version of a hike which basically consists of romping through a meadow with mostly even surface.  There was still some snow up there though, so Caylin and I had a snowball fight.  Carina, her boxer mix, and Maddie, my golden retriever, thought we were playing ball and kept trying to catch it.  It was so cute.  Bubba, Caylin's pit bull mix, only had a few spurts of craziness in which he ran around playing with the other pups who were only too happy to chase him about.  Bonnie, her red doberman mix, was a titch of a trouble maker.  She kept wandering off, just so pleased that she was off her leash and felt entitled to not pay attention.  Lulu, my great dane, she was so freaking cute!  She just kept wandering around, eager to play and explore, but always came right on back when we called her to us.

Bonnie and Lulu got a bit distracted...

Today was an interesting day at work.  I got to the parking lot and decided I really didn't want to be there and neither did the girl I was closing with.  Considering I didn't have to make much as far sales today, I decided I was going to do a bunch of tasking stuff in preparation for our visit from some of the head honchos on Tuesday and let the other girls make their sales with the limited customers we had today.  Apparently, tasking-Kerstin looks like an angry Kerstin and the girls were all super concerned about me.  Boss lady, Kim, kept asking them if they had done something to upset me, which none of them had because I wasn't upset.  Debbie, came up and asked if she had upset me in some way because Kim had asked her.  Katie kept randomly telling me she loved me. Devin thought it was best just to stay out of my way.  Kim kept asking me if I was alright.  She was so cute!  When she came back from her lunch she brought me three little cake-on-a-stick thingys with the sweetest note on top...

See...isn't she the sweetest?!

I love my job and I am pretty darn happy with my life and my new bad decision...not gonna lie.  He's trying to get his Skype to play nice with mine and is failing epically, but is getting his roommate's girlfriend to help him.  I'm sorry, but that is freaking adorable, so I can't really think this is too horrible of an idea.  Eh, I like the guy, so sue me.

Not really, I'm broke...so please don't.  Feel free to scold me in the comments section though...

Loves,
K

PS: Aren't you proud I figured out the whole picture thing?!!!!