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WARNING: This post is going to start with a total over-share.  If that make you uncomfortable...you've probably been feeling that way for a while now and should be used to it so keep reading anyway.  Conflict, even interior conflict, build character.  That's right, I'm telling you to go out there and get in people's faces when they piss you off and don't back down.

Anyways...I just though I'd mention how different this period has been for me, in an unsettling way.  Normally, my emotions aren't in the shitter all the frelling time when the red tide's-a-runnin', but this time, it's like I'm on downers with anger issues the entire time.  I quite literally had to stop myself from punching one of the girls at work last night.  I was THIS close--ok you can't see, but my fingers are super close together over here.  Keep in mind, I already don't like this girl, but I love my job and pretty much everything about it, but yesterday, I wanted to break down and cry.  That's exactly what I did do when I was talking to my parents about it when I finally got home last night.  My mother made me take a super hot bath with music and lots of wine so I would calm down.

Also, my plethora of romance novels I've been reading lately are actually starting to make me feel better about my whole being a virgin thing.  However, the one I just finished reading made me a little scared to finally have sex.  The heroine--that's right, she's my hero in all these books, take it--got pregnant after having sex once when she'd waited until she was 26 to finally give it up.  I mean really...what's that about.  So not fair. Breath, yes I know these are fictional characters, but I know this happens.  It's not like they didn't used a fictional condom in they're fictional sex-fest--I'm making it sound way more juicy than it actually was.  Note: do not fall asleep with a guy still inside you even if he has a condom...my book says you're gonna get knocked up.

In related news...I'm slipping a little on the Andrew front. It's not on purpose!  The other week I was having a bad day and that's generally when I want to see him anyway because for some asinine reason he makes me feel better just by being there.  Don't ask me why, but he does..he's my tranquilizer and I really, REALLY needed it that day.  I was out driving--I don't even remember where too--and it took everything I had in me not to go to his house hoping he was there and just launch myself into his arms as if his holding me would solve all my problems when we all know it would only create more than I have time to deal with.  However, this seemed like a super awesome plan in my hormone addled brain at the time.  Don't worry, I resisted.  Since then, it's gotten a little better, but I still want to see him.  I really need closure and I really, REALLY need people to stop saying that the whole he avoids all contact, physical or otherwise, one visit and the next he make an effort to talk to me and smile and make eye contact means that he still has feelings for me.  I'll tell you what, if someone, and I really don't care who it is at this point, can tell me without a doubt that he still loves me and wants me, I will go straight to his house and plant a big kiss on him immediately following that revelation.  I am still trying to make a conscious effort to keep him out of my brain, but there are times when i just can't seem to win and he is always there--not physically, of course, but mentally the bastard won't leave me alone.  I know I can't actually blame Andrew for my brain/heart's reluctance to let him go, but it's not like I want to take the responsibility.  I have accepted that I will forever love him and that he will forever hold a piece of me, but I have also tried to accept that I need to move on and let him go with whatever piece of me he unknowingly holds.  I also know that should he ever read the words in these posts about him, I might just expire on the spot as though someone shot me point blank, but part of me really kinda hopes he does one day...preferably when I'm on another continent...

Why can't life be like the movies?  Most people get a happy ending one way or the other unless you're watching those independent films...or foreign films.  Other countries have it right when they make their films.  They aren't concerned with coddling the population.  They tell it like it is.  There are no happy endings in life.  That wouldn't be life.  The only people who actually have a good go of it are the liars and cheats and you have to figure they are dealing with some major stress trying to keep all their stories straight and worrying about what's going to happen next.  News flash: THERE ARE NO HAPPY ENDINGS, KIDS.  SUCK IT UP AND MOVE THE HELL ON.  Just put one foot in front of the other and eventually you can just call it a day.

Cynical in Scottsdale,
K