20

You know what's really funny?  I have been thinking that I was getting over you know who, but now I am kind of thinking that was a vicious lie I've been telling myself.  Sure, it's been a while since I cried myself to sleep over him, but that's not really a fair judge.  I go through these phases where I start to think I can basically purge him from my consciousness.  LIES!  It is so not true.  I love him and because of that fact, he will always be in my heart and on some part of my mind.  I realize that I just need to get to a place where I can ignore that part of my mind and maybe shrink the acreage down a bit.  I remember that I used to say that I was broken all the time, well now I am on the mend.  For the most part, I can look at a picture of him and my stomach is no longer tied in painful knots and my heart rate remains steady.  There are still those days when the part of him that is always on  my mind is going for some expansion of mental territory and I am right back where I was.  However, I can be happy for him now that he is in a new relationship.  I truly hope he is happy.  I am past the point where I want him to be miserable like I was.  I have been talking to pretty much all of my friends about it.  Caylin and I had a really good sisters talk on Tuesday about me and him.  Even she thinks that he really did love me and all the crap that happened after was mostly in response to my having hurt him.  Rachel and I had a fantastic talk about it last night as well.  She doesn't really know him--never met him, in fact--but she knows me and even she could see that I still love him.  I do hope that one day I will be able to, at the very least, kiss him--mmmmm....he has deliciously kissable lips.

Yet another reason I love my little talks with Rachel is because she is my only other virgin friend I can actually have in depth sex talks with.  I don't harbor any romantic notions about having to be in love with the guy I give my virginity to.  I do have to feel like I trust him and that we care about each other.  That's all.  I get that sex is a big deal, especially for women because we are taking the most risk every time we decide to have sex.  The guys don't have to worry about getting pregnant and derailing their entire lives.  Sure, if they are responsible, they will do everything in their power to become a responsible and loving father to that child and help take of and raise it.  I am not saying that the guy should drop every thing he has ever wanted, marry the girl he knocked up and live a very likely miserable existence.  I don't think that a pregnancy between and unwed couple has to result in a marriage.  A child should not be the reason two people get married!  It will not be a happy marriage and that kid is going to probably get really messed up psychologically.  I think the pregnancy period should act as a sort of dry run for a marriage.  If the two people in question do love each other and they can survive the emotional roller coaster that is a woman's hormones during pregnancy and the birth of their child...and they still love each other, then they should think about getting married.  It should not be one of those, "Hey, I'm pregnant.' 'Well then I guess we should get married." things.

Sorry, that was an uber tangent I wasn't intending to follow.  Well...here is another one, though smaller.

Another thing Rach and I talked about last night was that one of our old super close friends has said that love is the most selfish thing you can do and that you do it because it makes you feel good.  BULLSHIT!!  Love is the most unselfish thing in the world, at least the version of it I believe in is.  In my version, you are willing to let the other person go if you think that's what is best for them and you don't hold onto them just because they make you feel good.  My version doesn't mean that you live your life for another person, but it does mean that the other person is a big factor in your decisions.  In my version, you think about what the other person wants when you go shopping for groceries.  I remember in one of my conversations with him, he asked me if he should re-up in the Army.  He said that he wouldn't do it if I didn't want him to, which was really sweet of him to think of me when he was trying to make this huge decision.  I told him that he should do it if it would be what would make him happy because that was all I really wanted.  If he was happy than so was I.  I know that sounds like a horribly stupid cliche, but that is what it felt like.  I think that is love.  When you are tied to the other person and you want them to be happy because if they are happy than you can be too.  I, of course, didn't want him to re-up because I wanted him with me, but I also didn't want to be the reason he didn't do something that he really wanted to do because I knew that if we were to have had a long term relationship, that would have lead to it's death.  I loved him enough to be away from him for a longer time than necessary and he loved me enough to include my feelings in his decision--which inevitably landed on the side of not re-upping *insert heart leaping for joy*.  I still want to kiss him for that.  Who am I kidding?  I just want to kiss him. ;-)

Ok, now we are going to cover some territory I don't think we have before.  I am tired of my virginity!  That is not to say that I will just give it up to the next guy I see.  I would, however, be willing to sleep with Ben or him, or even John, who you were never introduced to before and he isn't even remotely in the picture now, but the boy was a walking turn on nonetheless.  Now then, Ben and I have this silly plan that after I get all settled down in Tucson and we both get some money, we will meet in Vegas for a weekend and the only rule is that we are not allowed to get married.  There was no rule, however, that we couldn't sleep together.  Don't get me wrong, that would not be the point of this weekend get together and I am kind of doubting that it will actually happen anyways, but if we do end up meeting in Vegas and we do end up sleeping together, well than so be it.  I seriously doubt it will be something I regret.  I do trust him and I do care about him, it isn't even remotely love, but I think it would be nice and he knows I am a virgin so I am sure he would be careful not to like murder me, metaphorically speaking.  Sleeping with the love of my life would be another awesome plan to put into action, obviously not while he is in another relationship.  Now, with him, I know he would take care of me...I think he would be a lot of fun.  Rach and I were talking about it last night and we both decided that after we have sex for the first time, we are probably going to go through a sexual revolution of some kind that will include a personality change and I think we will probably be more comfortable in our own skin.  It is an exciting prospect.

Well...I guess it is pretty obvious where my mind has been lately...

...hehehehe. ;-)