18

I think I may actually be moving on finally!  I can finally look at a picture of him and not feel physical pain!  I can hear his name and not cringe because my stomach is tied in knots.  I can even talk about him!  Do you have any idea how incredibly happy this makes me?!  I may be a little more free from him now.  We will see what happens when I next see him.  Maybe all this will go away and I will be right back to where I was, but, for now, I am proud of my progress!  I am even being really nice to his best friend, Nate, who reminds me of him a bunch.  Nate and I had this thing where we were both horrible to each other and neither of us knew why exactly.  We had a talk about it one day while we were drinking and discovered that neither of us hated the other, much to our collective surprise.  We even joked with each other for the rest of the night.  Oh!  The best part was that we talked a little about his best friend and how I couldn't hate him even if I tried and how it wasn't just because that was his personality and everyone did it, it went deeper.  Who knows maybe one day I will tell Nate that I love his best friend...doubtful, but hey at least one of them will know.

I am still waiting to hear back from U of A.  It's a wee bit infuriating and stressful--and by "wee bit" I mean "pull your hair out".  I need them to send my acceptance letter and let me know if they will be giving me some financial aid so that I can plan ahead.  I need to get back to the apartment complex I will be living in and let them know what my income will be.  I also need to find a job down there.  Moving is so stressful!!!!!  At least I have a couch now!  That is exciting!  It has the worst fabric I have ever seen, but that is what they made slip covers for.  I also have two white end tables.  I want to make them into an art project of some kind.  I definitely want to paint them!  I am thinking of doing the legs in black and then maybe have all my friends write on the top in a bunch of different colors little memories and stories about us or maybe just doing a splatter pain design in a bunch of fun colors.  All I know for sure is that I will be putting a glass top on them to protect them.  I think we are going to get some bean bags and hopefully a love seat for the living room.  We still need dinning room furniture, which kind of sucks because that gets pretty expensive.  I just really hope that we can get into this place because I love it!!

OOOO....Beans was in town last week!  I love her!  We went out pretty much every night.  She had us go to this bar called the British Open Pub--guess what the theme of the place was.  It was a fantastic bar!  There were four military people in there when we walked in--delicious--they also had pool and darts, plus they make a great Vodka and Cranberry.  I had so much fun that night.  We went to see "The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo" which is an amazing and intense Swedish movie that I highly recommend.  We played Apples to Apples at 5 and Diner.  We also played Apples to Apples at Amber's boyfriend's apartment--by the way, I think I have been really good about him, I have only been mean to him when he is being an ass.  I decided that I have to go visit Katie (Beans) and her brother, David, sometime so they can show me around.  David said he loves to play tour guide so he will take me to Monterey and Big Sur.  I will have to start saving for this adventure!

In other news, I am once again talking to Ben.  He seems to be doing better, but he is still super lonely over there in Colorado.  I feel bad for him, but he isn't actually doing anything about it, so I can't give too much sympathy.  However, we did make a tentative plan to meet in Vegas after I get all settled and have some money down in Tucson.  I told him we weren't allowed to get married though.  Just thought I should cover some of the bases during the preliminary conversations about this trip.  I really hope we actually go on this trip though!  I will be very sad if it doesn't happen.  I don't know why, but Ben and I always end up working the topic of sex into our conversations.  We joke about it subtly.  We haven't ever just come out and said that we were ever going to have sex...I kind of doubt we will, have sex that is.  I'll be the first to admit that I do enjoy talking about it jokingly with him.  It's fun and it makes me feel a bit more feminine.  Hey, I'm 21 years old, I am allowed to talk about sex if I want with whomever I want.  Plus, I have been very good.  I haven't even been kissed in over a year--goodness, that's depressing.  I am still a virgin, which, ps, is getting kind of old already.  It's not like I am waiting for Mr. Right or for marriage, but I am waiting for someone who is worth it.  I have to know that it isn't just a one night stand.  I want to wake up in the morning and have him still be there...that would be nice.  I know it isn't going to be perfect and that the chances are that it won't even be that much fun, but, hey, you've got to start somewhere.  I don't regret being a virgin because the first time is important and painful and scary and forever.  It's not like you can get your virginity back.  (wow, that wasn't where I was expecting that paragraph to go.  oh well)

I guess that's all for today.  Have a lovely time of it all!  Till next time, don't do anything I wouldn't do.  ;-)