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WHOA!!!!  What's this?! Two posts in one month by the infamous absentee blogger?!  MADNESS!!

And now that we've covered that....  So here's one thing you probably should have already gathered from my previous posts, but for those who are...shall we say...denser than the average reader, I'll just go ahead and spell it out for you--which doesn't actually have the same effect in writing as it does in speech, at least not when taken literally.  I am a sarcastic and cynical asshole.  If this offends you, we probably were't friends in the first place, so its all good.  With that having been said, I was thinking of writing a rather short self-help book and thought I would run what I got down at work the other day by you, so here it is...enjoy:


"It makes you wonder, doesn't it?  Why is it that every time you seem to find everything you think will make you happy, the universe suddenly pops up and pulls the rug out from under your feet and leaves you in shock flat on your ass and crying?
I actually know the answer to this one.  You see, you are just being a whiny twit.  It's not the universe pulling some imaginary rug out from under your feet; its you.  Now then, unless it was some sort of freak accident--no, your boyfriend breaking up with you, you getting a third traffic ticket this year, and/or waking up late so you miss your plane do NOT count as freak accidents, I was thinking more along the lines of getting struck by lightning, bitten by a radioactive insect, and/or suddenly acquiring Midas' touch--I can pretty much guarantee that what ever it was you have seen fit to blame on the universe also didn't happen "all of a sudden".
There were signs that your little Utopia was about to come crashing down all around you, but you didn't want to listen, or in the case of the deaf, see them, did you?  Noooooo...that wouldn't have made you happy and who can be unhappy in a Utopia?  No one, that's who.  So you purposefully ignored all signs pointing to reason, but inevitable doom.  You were in your little "happy bubble" with your delusional version of perfection to keep you warm and stupid.  I've got some disappointing news for you, my dear.  It turns out, "perfection" has some pretty sharp-ass edges, now doesn't it?  There is a bright side to all this melancholy though; once your delusional bubble has been popped, you will suddenly be able to pull your head from your ass and begin to use your brain once more...at least until the next time."


I sure do hope you enjoyed reading the beginning of my self-help book.  I was thinking the following pages would contain all those horrible saying your family and mine would throw in our faces when life got us down.  You know, just the really encouraging ones like, "suck it up, buttercup" or "walk it off" or even, "rub some dirt on it," oh, or even, "I stopped listening the second you started bitching."

Thoughts? Reflections?  Options for continuing, other chapters, content?