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Well, I was just reading the intro to my last post.  Yeah...it's been quite a while since I've updated this nonsense.  I would love to give you some lame ass excuse as to why I have sucked on the blog front, but let's face it...I'm just incredibly lazy.  Telling you I've been busy living my life is a lie and we all know that.  I could legitimately say I've been reading a lot...that's true, but I've been slacking on the writing.

So...yeah...there was kissy-kissy with Andrew which was wonderful, but then he decided that was done and it stopped.  I'm not a huge fan of that plan of action, but the boy gets to make his own choices. After my first puppy died--more on that cry-worthy topic later--he  and I had a falling out because he said nothing to me and his ENTIRE household did.  I was pissed because the one guy I was kissing and talking to on a regular basis was the one guy that said nothing to me when I really needed him too.  Honestly, I was hurt, and we all know how well I handle that shit, don't we.  Basically, we stopped talking for a while after that and things went back to being weird, at best, between us.  He began the avoiding thing again, and I did the whole fine-then-I'll-just-ignore-your-dumb-ass thing again.  It seems to be my defense mechanism where he's concerned.  I don't really know how to compartmentalize my emotions when he's in the picture and that scares me.  He's like a shot of adrenaline to my system with a few doses of the happy thrown in for good measure.  The part that sucks is that after we have a fun hangout, I'm on emotional uppers when he talks to me right after that, but then, as always, he stops responding to me and then it's depression central.  I don't know how to get it under control, but I think it might be slowly driving me insane.  He likes to keep me on the hook because he knows I love him, I'm sure.  I think he still loves me too, but I may never actually know for sure because we keep dancing around each other in this sick emotional tango and I still am no closer to understanding it than I was four years ago when we broke up.  At least now we can be in the same room and not have it be a complete disaster like it used to be when the wounds were still fresh.

Also, on the kissy-kissy front...David kissed me a few weeks ago when he was in town from California visiting his family.  That was delightful.  I seem to have a thing for my friends' brothers.  There are other guys in the world, but apparently I ignore them all.  It was apparently super awkward for both of our sisters who were in attendance at the time of the kisses.  Part of me just doesn't care because I really wanted to kiss him.  I like David.  He's a great guy, not perfect, but awesome nonetheless.  He's hilarious, can cheer me up on my worst days, and understands me fairly well, which is big because that shit never happens.  I love most of our conversations--pretty much because we talk about sex most of the time.  My one issue with this whole non-relationship is just that...the non status of it.  To be fair, we are both reluctant to enter into any sort of relationship with one another because of our relationships with his sister, but he is sooooooooooo against anything even remotely smacking of a relationship with me.  I'd like to think it's not personal, but who knows.  I know he's been seriously messed up by relationships in the past, to the point where I can't even begin to understand it, but I'm not the people that messed him up.  I have my own bundle of issues he tries to understand, but I don't know if he truly does.  Because our sisters give me crap about it every time we are all in the same room, I finally asked Katie about it.  She said she just wants to see us both happy, but because she views me as a little sister and he is her big brother, the whole kissing episode was a bit weird for her.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't see her point of view.  Everything is just so difficult with this whole non-relationship.  He doesn't want me to get attached, but he wants to screw my brains out--a plan I am not totally opposed to.  I don't want to get attached either, but it is for entirely different reasons.  I am scared that if I do anything even remotely sexual with him that I will start getting more emotionally invested than I already am.  It's fairly easy to hide the attachment from David because we always have our conversations via text and he can interpret everything I say through his own filter in whatever way is most convenient for him.  We don't go any deeper than sex talk and the basic social niceties in our conversations and that can get kind of frustrating.  We'll talk everyday, all day for a week or so, and then abruptly stop until he wants to talk some more.  I am not going to beg for more than that.  He's made it abundantly clear he really only wants sex from me and I wouldn't mind that from him either, but I know that I wouldn't be able to keep my emotions out of it and that would ruin everything.  So now, my goal is to simply stay friends and try to avoid getting in deeper than I already am.  Again, being a virgin ruins things for me all the damn time.  I sometimes wish I could just get rid of it and not care, but I know it means too much to just throw away on someone who won't appreciate it.  I know David would, but I also know I can't separate the emotion from it and that would send him running for the hills and ruin our friendship.

I apparently started this post a few months ago and things have CHANGED...  On the David front, I went out to see him back in March for a few days.  I should have known that our conversations would leave me wanting him a whole big bunch, but I was a titch naive and told him nothing would happen between us other than some light fondling.  What a load of crap that ended up being!!  We had sex about five times the first night I was there.  I have no self-control...it's a problem.  However, remember all that worrying I was doing about getting all attached and gross with him if we were to have sex?  Yeah, that definitely didn't happen.  The sex was great and I'd love to have more of it...probably not with him though because he got weird.  However, after spending a few days with him I have come to realize a few things.  1) I really like morning sex and cuddling....A LOT! 2) David and I are incredibly incompatible.  Yeah, we are both broken, but it's in completely different ways.  I want love and relationships that may end up breaking my heart, but I know that if I don't take the risk, I'll end up alone and bitter and that's definitely NOT on my Bucket List.  He has taken the opposite course after his broken hearts.  He wants to be bitter and cynical and unattached for now, but every now and then you can catch a hint of longing when he talks about his sister's impending nuptials.  I want someone who isn't afraid to love back with everything they have, but can still be an independent person.  I want someone who thinks I am worth risking it all for and I want someone who compels the same risks from me.  Don't get me wrong, I definitely don't regret David being my first.  Like I said, the sex was great, but that's all it was for us.  The only time we were close, was when we were fooling around in bed.  He was great with me and I'm happy it happened.  My only wish is that things hadn't gotten so weird the last day.  Like I said, the first night=sex five times and a whole big bunch of orgasms...the boy has great hands.  The next day when we woke up, we went at it again a couple of times, took a shower and then went to the Redwoods.  That night, we played Scrabble with his roommates--who I LOVE!--and then I went to bed while he hung out for a little longer.  I was understandable exhausted and he had kind of pissed me off a little bit with his jerky tendencies that night, so no sex.  The next day, woke up with more sex and then exploring San Francisco   That night I hung out with his roommates and watched movies while he went to bed early so again, there was no sex.  My last day there...we slept, no cuddling in the morning-which was generally a precursor to sex, which I was looking forward to--no sex, barely any conversation, packing, and then a drive to the airport.  When he dropped me off, he gave me a kiss on my neck and said I was welcome back anytime.  I felt weird about it and text him later to ask about it to which he replied that he wasn't being weird, but he was sorry I thought he was and that it was probably just in my head.  We haven't talked since except when I asked him about the wine we had on night 1--Gurner Veltiner...go get some.  I don't know why he pulled back so much, but whatever, I don't want a relationship with him, I just wanted a bit more fun.  The only downside to this whole sex thing is that even though I had my period--yes, over-share, I know, you'll be fine--I have been paranoid about being pregnant.  No, I don't know why.  No, I haven't talked to him about it, although I was thinking about doing that on April Fool's Day, but I thought that was a sure-fire way to get a cosmic bitch slap and end up preggers.  I've only talked to a few people about it and one of them was a total mistake to tell because now Adam keeps asking me about it, but I was emotional and crazy...I can't be held accountable for such a mistake.  Oh well...

Anyways...enough procrastinating for me today.  I have to go write my papers which were due a week or more ago.  Writers block is a heartless bitch and has had her nasty ass talons in me all semester.  I WANT MY MOJO BACK!!!!

De-flowered and pissed (entirely unrelated attributes),
K