31)

Alright kiddos, I promise I will try not to make this post a downer like the last one was.  Yikes...that was a touch needy, I know.

So basically I am super concerned about my best friend, Genny.  She has been uber down for the past few weeks.  I know she would never even consider suicide or anything like that, but still, my best-friend-spidey-senses aren't liking her current routine.  She doesn't talk much, she isn't as exuberant as she used to be, and every time she lets her guard down just for a second, its painfully obvious how miserable she is.  Spend five minutes with her these days and you'll want to jump off the nearest building too.  I know exactly what her problems are too, but they aren't anything I can fix.  She is moving to California in January for eight months.  Ever since she found out she got this internship, she's been in a super depressed fog and I can't get her out of it.  I know its not just because of the move that she's down.  She went out on a date with this guy from one of her classes and that only made her downer mode PLUMMET.  Its not like she didn't have a good time with the guy.  They made good conversation and had fun, but she's being all kinds of Debbie-downer and can't just let it be.  She actually said "he's too much of a good boy" and then she told me that he drinks too much so obviously he's not that much of a good boy...

Here's the thing with Genny, she likes to blame everything on Andrew--yes, my ex is also her ex, but she forced us together so its not weird for us.  I can understand why she wants to blame everything on him but she's wrong.  I knew her before she and Andrew had their little thing and she was always like this.  The girl, though I love her tremendously, has less than no self-esteem.  She thinks that because she let Andrew get past second base in a moment of weakness on Prom Night Junior Year (yeah, its capitalized...its just that infamous), that she can blame her ineptitude on him.  (Yes, I am jealous that she got further with him than I did...base-wise, there.  Curiosity quenched?)  She wants to blame everything on him because then she doesn't have to look to herself to point the fingers.  I have told her time and time again that she can't keep blaming him because it isn't his fault.  Yes, he treated her like SHIT.  Yes, he treated me like his girlfriend while he was dating her, which makes him an asshole.  Yes, he barely talked to her, especially when I was around and that makes him a bigger asshole.

However, she didn't stand up for herself.  She didn't tell him to knock the shit off or she'd beat that hell out of him.  She let him get away with everything.  She had the control that night.  She didn't have to fool around with him that night--which, by the way, nearly killed me when they went back to his room.  I don't think she has accepted why she let him do it.  I know why, because I know her better than she knows herself it would seem.  She did it because she thought it meant that she was worth something, but she wasn't taking into account that Andrew just wanted to get laid and he really didn't care who with.  I hate to be cynical about the man I love, but that guy would have done just about anything for sex or anything even close to sex and quite frankly, every time I think about he and Genny fooling around, I just get mad and hurt and my heart hurts all over again because I didn't even get a fucking kiss...sorry....  Anyways....  She is my best friend in the entire world and I can't keep seeing her go down this same road over and over again.  She keeps dating assholes because they aren't concerned with boosting her self esteem and she thinks she deserves that shitty treatment, which is complete BULLSHIT.

So now, I am on a mission.
Mission name: Fix Team Genny.
Time frame: before she leaves for California.
Plan: unknown, but possibly includes taking her up to the woods and chaining her to a tree till she knocks this shit off.
Mission statement:  Gennifer Frost, best friend of team leader, is broken and moving away from all person who can help her realize how wonderful she truly is.  She is broken because she cannot accept the truth of both her past and her reality.  We cannot send her off onto the unknowing and unprepared Disneyland in January without rectifying the situation.  While we know that she will get over the depression of moving away for eight months, she won't get over the bad self-esteem and the bad relationships.  We MUST do something about this!
Other important information: We are currently accepting volunteers.  Please apply.

Over and out,
Team Leader K

30

The current/recurring dilemma...I love him and it hurts.  This is very likely due to the fact that I haven't seem him at all in three months and I know he's in town.  Think about how you feel when you have coffee every day for nine years and then you suddenly quit cold turkey, but you still have to walk by that damn Starbucks everyday and smell all the delicious and enticing things that lie within...yeah, it's like that, but with a person.  I find, that I try to work asking about hi into conversations and I don't really listen to what others say because I'm too busy hoping they'll mention him instead.  My brain keeps conjuring up all of these fantasies of what it could be like, not just the sex, but life with him.  I keep fantasizing about he and I getting back together and working it all out, which is total bullshit.  I promise, I do actually realize that, but it never really matters, he is still so deeply routed in my consciousness, that I--it's like a tumor or something.  Can you wish for something so much and so devoutly that it poisons you so that you can never be really truly happy again?

The real problem...I don't want to let go of my fantasy.  That is the real issue I need help with...probably professional help.  Do they have interventions for people who won't let go of a dead/dying love?  Every time I go to his house, I always look for his car and my heart plummets when I don't see it and I NEVER see it.  I want to see him.  I want to look at him and see what I feel reflected back at me.  The chances of that ever happening aren't good.  I think I wish I didn't want him so bad, but I can't actually promise that is true.  I have lost touch with myself.  Was I ever in touch with myself?  I find myself wondering that very thing these days.  Do I have any idea who the hell I am?  I am starting to think I don't know.  I wish I did.  I always feel like I need to run.  Like I have to be prepared to get the hell out of dodge at any given moment.

I need to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!  I need to know that some one some where will in fact love me for exactly who I am.  I need a...I don't know what I need, just that I need to feel that loved and cherished again.  I'm 23 years old.  When is it my turn to be loved?  Will I throw it away again?  I hope not, but at least let me try to make it work out differently this time.

Lost and lonely...
K

29)

WHOA!!!!  What's this?! Two posts in one month by the infamous absentee blogger?!  MADNESS!!

And now that we've covered that....  So here's one thing you probably should have already gathered from my previous posts, but for those who are...shall we say...denser than the average reader, I'll just go ahead and spell it out for you--which doesn't actually have the same effect in writing as it does in speech, at least not when taken literally.  I am a sarcastic and cynical asshole.  If this offends you, we probably were't friends in the first place, so its all good.  With that having been said, I was thinking of writing a rather short self-help book and thought I would run what I got down at work the other day by you, so here it is...enjoy:


"It makes you wonder, doesn't it?  Why is it that every time you seem to find everything you think will make you happy, the universe suddenly pops up and pulls the rug out from under your feet and leaves you in shock flat on your ass and crying?
I actually know the answer to this one.  You see, you are just being a whiny twit.  It's not the universe pulling some imaginary rug out from under your feet; its you.  Now then, unless it was some sort of freak accident--no, your boyfriend breaking up with you, you getting a third traffic ticket this year, and/or waking up late so you miss your plane do NOT count as freak accidents, I was thinking more along the lines of getting struck by lightning, bitten by a radioactive insect, and/or suddenly acquiring Midas' touch--I can pretty much guarantee that what ever it was you have seen fit to blame on the universe also didn't happen "all of a sudden".
There were signs that your little Utopia was about to come crashing down all around you, but you didn't want to listen, or in the case of the deaf, see them, did you?  Noooooo...that wouldn't have made you happy and who can be unhappy in a Utopia?  No one, that's who.  So you purposefully ignored all signs pointing to reason, but inevitable doom.  You were in your little "happy bubble" with your delusional version of perfection to keep you warm and stupid.  I've got some disappointing news for you, my dear.  It turns out, "perfection" has some pretty sharp-ass edges, now doesn't it?  There is a bright side to all this melancholy though; once your delusional bubble has been popped, you will suddenly be able to pull your head from your ass and begin to use your brain once more...at least until the next time."


I sure do hope you enjoyed reading the beginning of my self-help book.  I was thinking the following pages would contain all those horrible saying your family and mine would throw in our faces when life got us down.  You know, just the really encouraging ones like, "suck it up, buttercup" or "walk it off" or even, "rub some dirt on it," oh, or even, "I stopped listening the second you started bitching."

Thoughts? Reflections?  Options for continuing, other chapters, content?

28

Let's get down to brass tactics, shall we?  I am kind of a dumbass when it comes to boys/men.  I'm sure if you've read...any of the other posts, you will have already gathered this fact and are now thinking to yourself, "Wow, she sure does like to state the obvious, doesn't she?"  To put that question to rest, yes, yes i do quite enjoy stating the obvious, but moving onto the the examples for which I am calling myself a dumbass...

The first being that I am still very much in love with Andrew, though I don't really want to get back together with him.  He keeps acting weird with me which, of course, sends my brain into crazy-girl mode and I'm not actually a fan of that mode despite my constant visits.  One day his family and I are sitting around the dinning room and we're all laughing and talking like the old times before Andrew and I got together in the first place.  I was all kinds of excited because I had seen that "spark" in his eyes.  He was smiling at me and speaking directly to me, even teasing me.  It was great.  Now he's gone back to not being able to be in the same room with me and seems to have gone so far as to avoiding entering the house when he sees Franny parked out front.  So that leaves me to assume that I am a delusional nit wit with issues regarding wishful thinking for "seeing" that damn spark.  You know what they say, sparks cause fires and then your ass gets burned.  However, it would be a lie to say that I didn't wish that fire would burn his clothes off so that I might see if screwing his brains out would get him out of my system.  Don't worry.  This isn't a theory I'm planning on following through with.  Clearly, it will forever stay in the hypothesis stage because dreams don't count--if you say they do, you suck and I don't like you anymore.

Onto the next example of my dumbassery--that's right, I made up that word, go forth and use it.  The mere fact that I dated Ben (see previous post for further details) should really tell you everything you need to know.  I actually had myself convinced that I was falling for him and now I have trouble even remembering we actually dated.  How idiotic is that?!  No, you need not answer.

And...moving on...  Let me introduce you to Matt.  He is my latest proof of my dumbassness.  A little background: I met him while I was working down at Tucson Mall for Bare Escentuals--best make up ever, in case you were wondering--and he was working for T-Mobile.  I had seen him around the mall, but was completely enamored with one of his co-workers so I didn't talk to him much, but he'd apparently called dibs on me when he saw which meant that I didn't stand a chance with his super gorgeous friend.  However, two weeks before I moved back home, he stopped outside my store and we talked for a little bit, and he asked for my number so we could grab a drink one night before I left.  While that drink never happened, we did start talking a whole big bunch.  I went down to Tucson one day to start bringing more stuff back home and went to see him at work.  When I left he walked me to my car and kissed me.  Now, there weren't any fireworks or anything super corny like that, but he was an amazing, AMAZING kisser.  Definitely top three material.  Anyways...about a month after that, he decided to tell me that he"thinks he's in love with me".  Yeah, that happened.  He also decided, shortly after I had moved and told him I was still a virgin in a late-night drunken phone call, that he was going to be the one to take my virginity.  I'm not going to even attempt to lie and say this didn't appeal to me because it TOTALLY did.  I just kept thinking, "Well if he can kiss that well...what else could he do to me?"  Then he kept doing the "I love you" thing which I didn't really enjoy, but i was loving the attention so i went ahead and kept on talking to him.  In our last conversation after I got back from visiting Amber in Denver, we talked on the phone from about ten till five thirty am...it was ridiculous!!!  That was quite a busy conversation too.... He managed to slip in some stealth phone sex.  I know, you're wondering how one accomplishes stealth phone sex and I'll tell you.  Now we'd pretty much always talked about sex, but that time was quite different.  I'd never really understood phone sex...especially being a virgin.  It just seemed like a lot of work just to get off and I don't like working hard at such things.  But, DAMN the boy had a way with words and he actually managed to get me into it a little, but not much mostly because of the virginal status and my SERIOUS lack of experience in such fields.  While I'll never admit typing.saying such a thing, it was actually kind of fun and exciting.  However, about two hours later, he finally convinced me to tell him about the Andrew saga, so I did.  He then proceeded to get pissed off at me because i still love my first love.  Apparently, unlike him, I can't just walk off being in love.  Needless to say that conversation didn't end on the happiest of notes and we stopped talking.  I ignored the few texts and one call i got from him after that and he stopped trying.  Don't worry, the dumbassery continued.  Last night, i was feeling lonely and a little guilty for just ignoring him, so my dumb ass texted him.  We talked and he wants to know if I want a relationship with him.  I didn't respond last night because I figured this was something to sleep on.  When I woke up this morning, I realized that I really didn't want a relationship with him.  I don't even really want to screw him anymore.  However, I haven't exactly gotten around to telling him that yet... oops...

Oh, but wait there is one more small thing I haven't mentioned yet.  While sober Kerstin seems to make all kinds of poor decisions, drunk Kerstin is much, MUCH worse.  While I was in Denver with my girls, we went to Ladies' Night at Jackson's in downtown Denver.  Well, it was $5 all you can drink and I took that very seriously and started downing drinks like there was no tomorrow.  At some point in the night I had asked one of the security guards what size his gauges were in his ear...apparently that translated to flirting because he stayed pretty close for the rest of the night.  I ended up giving him my number so he could send me a picture of my sister doing a boobie-five with one of Amber's Denver friends.  I hadn't thought anything of it considering I didn't even have my phone that night.  My sister had my phone because her's was dead and she wanted to talk to Bean's brother.  Apparently, she also flirted quite heavily with the security guard, whose name was Bobby.  Like I said before, this hadn't popped up on my radar at all until last week.  The guy sent me a picture of his erect dick.  While I've never actually seen one up close and personal, I can still tell you that he really should have left his hand out of the picture because I know how big/small it was, and that gave me an idea of how less than impressive he actually was.  Now, my dumbassness in this one is mostly that I didn't respond to the picture with something snarky like, "really? should I have been impressed?"

Well, that is the saga of my dumbassery with the male population...I'll likely have more stories soon, if I keep going to the bars to see new bands.  PS:  The Sail Inn in Tempe on Wednesday nights...rocks.

27)

We're going to make this one short, because I am currently procrastinating a paper that's due in a few hours and I haven't started it yet.

Alright, Andrew is acting strange around me but no longer moves to another room when I come in, so I figured it was time to add him back on Facebook.  Juvenile, yes, but it made me happy when he accepted.  What can I say, I still love the boy, but that doesn't detract from the fact that I still know we aren't right for one another.  He keeps smiling at me and trying to make eye contact...I'm actively focusing on not thinking about it too much, though it slips to the forefront every once and a while.

In other news, I think that if I were to see Ben out and about anywhere, I may just walk up and punch him in the back of the head, or perhaps...lower.  The more I read or be around another person, namely Rachel, while she is reading it to another person, the madder I get.  I am so pissed off that I would ever have dated someone who would do that to me and for such ridiculous reasons.  Again, not contesting the whole breaking up thing, but the fact that it was via facebook and because I am too smart and a virgin.  UGH... I really want to hurt him.

Other than that, I am having a hard time enjoying work.  Don't get me wrong, I love what I do, but I do not enjoy the behind-the-scenes bullshit we have going on.  The changing of schedules with consulting those people affected.  The fact that we still don't have April's schedule and April starts in about three days...not cool.  Apparently, I may not be able to transfer to the boutique in Scottsdale because we don't make our sales goals.  If that is the case, I am going to be rather pissed off because that wouldn't be at all fair.  It's not my fault that I can't make my goals because the company chose a piss-poor mall to put us in.  Also, I apparently make crap at this job compared to the other girls.  I thought I was making bank because it is more than I have ever made.  Nope.  Not the case.  I'm starting to not like my job and that is not cool because that was really the only thing I was liking about Tucson these days.

On that subject, Rachel, Rita and Marina have started showing me all the awesomeness Tucson has to offer and I do have to admit, the city is great, but everything I'm doing here sucks ass.  Last week, the girls took me to Gates Pass for the sunset and it was so much fun.  We climbed a mini mountain with inappropriate foot attire and made snarky comments the entire time.  Next we are going to go to Sabino Canyon because none of us have been and my dad said i can't move back home until I go there.  We are also going to go to Mount Lemon and to the Pima County Fair in April.  I am so excited. I love these girls and they make life awesome, plus we are all ass holes, so it's always a good time when we get together. :-)

I also have a recently developed crush on this guy who works in the mall.  I don't know much about him, but he has the most amazing smile I have ever seen.  HOLY CRAP!!!  Seriously...most amazing smile ever.  He is really nice and super sweet, plus now he's started looking for me when he passes by my store.  I feel like i'm in middle school all over again...he's great, but we haven't actually been introduced yet and every time we talk, I always forget that tidbit...

Yours always,

Love-struck and loving it. <3

26

As promised, here is the facebook message from the newly ex-ified Ben.  Have fun with it. ;-)

Hey Kerstin, I think we should talk...I hope you dont hate me afterward because i very much value your friendship...but i just dont see this working at all...we are far far far two different people..you are so smart and so educated so very far past me and im just some guy youve known forever...you need someone that can relate to you in all ways..i dont seem to be able to relate to you in any way...i dont understand why you do the things you do or why the way you are...honestly ive been thinking about it for awhile i just havent had the balls to say anything..i was afraid to hurt you but the farther i went in the more i realized that to go farther it would only hurt more and more..you are too smart for me Kerstin you need someone you can relate too...and I need someone more physical...someone who can share the love of making love in and for a relationship...relationships need sex at a later age as we are now and without it im just antsy all the time and i dont want to cheat on you so i need to break this off so i can have what i need..sex is a very important part of a relationship in my opinion and is important in most opinions unless you are a virgin..so i understand where you are coming from but we just arent right for that very circumstance...i need someone who relates to me and understands me and my needs.. and as far as i can see i dont think you understand me at all...i mean sometimes we cant even text each other without getting confused because neither of us understands what the other is thinking...im not good for you Kerstin...you can do so so so much better than me and you deserve better for that matter...im nothing and i dont want you to get stuck with me before it is too late...the only thing i would suggest is to get into as many relationships as you can Kerstin...im not trying to be mean but you do need the experience...i was trying to give it to you but its just not working out..you need to open up more...and in my opinion stop being so so smart with your significant other...you cant be serious all the time...where is the fun in that? be more playful and let loose once in awhile and forget everything that makes any sense and that means anything and just have fun.... be crazy, be spontaneous, be anything......just dont hold back just because it isnt the "correct" thing to do...i doubt you will know what i mean by that but i honestly dont know how else to explain it...i dont know where im going with this i just know that im lost with you...especially after reading twilight..i hope you dont think this is stupid but i read how bella and edward felt towards each other and it was incredible. i have felt that with someone in my own experience but i do not feel it with you...i read how in love they are and i keep thinking about our relationship and how nothing they say is anywhere near how i feel about you..honestly im not trying to be mean in anyway but i need to speak my mind and i cant go on in a relationship i dont think will work for the sake of someone else, in my opinion its just wrong and hurtful so im just being honest..and again i really hope you dont hate me for this becuase i really really really would like to remain being close friends with you...but i think i got into this relationship for all the wrong reasons...i was alone in arizona with no one to talk to so i started talking to you and venting to you about all my problems...and you were there for me everytime and i loved it...i stilll love it..but the main reason i got into a relationship with you was because you were there for me and i was there for you if you needed me to be, and i still will be there for you if you need me to be...because i do love you..just not as a girlfriend..so i thought since we were there for each other that maybe we should try a relationship...i was wrong..we are just way to different in my opinion as much as i would like to teach you so many things physically im afraid you would get far to attached..so i just dont see it working....i hope so much you still want to be friends and that you dont hate me...i would even still love to hang out with you and go on dates and such but i just dont see us together unless its a casual thing if you understand my meaning...just know i will always be here for you and i will always be your friend..you were always there for me and i hope i can still count you as my friend..you still mean alot to me and im sorry if this hurts but i honestly just dont see it working....i love you..as a friend... Ben

AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!  Is that not the funniest thing you have ever read?  I know, me too.  Well, I have to go study for a midterm, so I will likely chatsy tomorrow.  Loves!!!

25)

So....yeah it's been awhile.  I'm sorry.  That's my bad.  It's been about...oh snap...it's been seven months since my last post.  I am such a wretched blogger.  I have quite a few little updates for you, my loves.  Be excited.  Are you waiting breathlessly?  No?  I can't blame you with my current track record.

Firstly, I have officially gotten closure with the saga that was Andrew.  It's exciting. As previously mentioned, though admittedly seven months ago, best friend gave me until the end of October to tell Andrew how I feel about him.  I did.  The shorthand version of that conversation was basically, me telling him I love him and have for years, him telling me he's over it and then the conversation ending.  Post conversation--which was over text message because he was a chicken and refused to call/answer my calls--I had a mini-mental breakdown.  I had an actual panic attack in which I could not move.  I wanted to get off my bed, but I couldn't move my arms or legs.  I couldn't even catch my breath.  It felt like hours had gone by in this state, when it was likely less than a minute, but I thought I was actually going to die.  It was terrifying and I do not suggest having such a breakdown if you can ever get the option to.  After that, I cried for about twenty minute jags.  However, this was followed by a sense of calm over the following few days after I cried about it to my father.  Daddy's advice is to wait until I'm 27 and then find a guy because that is when they start to grow up. 

Another adventure in dating is the second topic for discussion.  Ben.  He and I started dating in the beginning of January.  It went fairly well.  The problem...we were not at all compatible.  He was an alright kisser, and it made me feel good when he would act like an idiot after I kissed him.  We had fun when we went out, however...I had a few issues with some of the things he stood for.  My problems included, but were not limited to, his family values--he didn't value his as much as I value mine--he didn't like kids and I love them, no matter if he'd been sworn to secrecy, he would still tell me anything and he would give me crap about not telling him everything when I said I would never tell.  I am, or was yesterday at least, upset with him because he decided to break up with me in a facebook message.  I'll upload it tomorrow.  It'll be a good read.  I know I wasn't really as into him as I thought because as I read his message, I was checking the thing for spelling and grammar problems and I was irritated with the blatant abuse of ellipses.  One thing I will forever be grateful to him for helping me realize that I am also not compatible with Andrew.  I do find it rather interesting that I am just as happy without Ben as I was with him, which is causing concern in those around me.  I seemed to be falling for Ben, but evidently, that wasn't the case.  It feels a little weird not to be texting with him all day every day, but I figure, that is to be expected considering we had three months of it.  he still wants to be friends and I am thinking that is fine with me, but I'm not entirely sure as of yet.  The basic premise of his breakup message was that I was too smart for him--which is true--and that he wasn't entirely thrilled with the fact that I was a virgin and basically he was too horny to wait for me to be comfortable.  My thing is that had he just come down to Tucson, I wouldn't still be a virgin.  Oh well, I'm actually happy now and pretty much every one, ok take out the "pretty much", agrees that he was an idiot to break up via facebook.

Anyways....  This is my last semester at UA.  I am moving back home hopefully as soon as it's over.  I am crossing my fingers that I will simply be able to transfer to the BE in Scottsdale because I love my job.  Tucson was a good life experience for me and I'll miss the sushi, my new friends, and all the pretty mountains that surround my apartment, but we do not make a good combination.  I'll have to come back and visit every once and a while to visit my BE girls and my new friends...perhaps even the mountains.  While I do not particularly wish to move back in with my parents, the deal was that until Caylin moves out, I stay at home and then I will live with her.  I know, I know...yes this is something I have bitched about at great length before.  However, my reasoning is thus...living with a friend did not work.  I don't even talk to Adam and he is living in the same freaking apartment as I am.  I knew going into this that I would very likely lose a friend, but I honestly didn't mind all that much.  That seems cold and heartless, I know, but you try living with him.  He's a social pariah!  However, if I live with my sister, I can't actually lose her, we're stuck together for life, plus we always fight and then make up.  She didn't talk to me for about a month and a half after I moved here.  I think she was pissed at me for abandoning her with the parental units to another city unlike her move a few miles away.  If I live with Caylin, yeah, we'll fight and we'll probably beat the crap out of each other on a monthly if not weekly basis, but we will always have each others backs when it matters, though I might as well laminate that damn V-card now...then we could just hang it on the wall next to my bed my the machete.

It has gotten to the point where I am so unhappy living down here that I don't even care about school anymore.  ME!  Not care about school?! I just stopped going to one class and I didn't even drop it...that's not going to look good on the transcripts, but I can't seem to care.  The other two classes I have on campus, I ditch periodically just because I don't feel like going.  Really?!  I'm that girl now?!  I love my apartment, but I would love it more if it were a one bedroom with the same amount for rent.  Living on my own is great other than the fact that it's making me fat.  I am so much more active at home than I am here.  I did just get myself some of the Reebok Easy Tones and I love those, though I don't go for walks, I just wear them to classes.  I do want to start working out more, but I don't have anyone to go with and that makes me not want to do it at all.  I need someone to push me, but I refuse to diet, so just hold your breath on that one.

Hmmm...I guess that just about covers everything.  I feel better now that I've actually written something.  I promise, I'll post Ben's message tomorrow.  Loves to you!!