34

Strange emotions have been flitting through my mind for the few days.  It's like its snowing feelings in my brain and they are congregating together on the ground in there melting into one giant, nameless thing I can't control.  Yes, I realize this all sounds like an application to a psych ward, but I swear...I'm just being a titch melodramatic because...well...I can.  It's a power thing. What can I say?

Anyway, my emotions really have been all over the place lately...could be just because I'm a girl and Mother Nature HATES me right now, but that's just too easy.  For instance, my sister and I were just having a somewhat pleasant conversation about the follies and craziness of our parent's relationship when there was a slight break and I thought I would make her happy about telling her about my New Year's Resolution.  Did my wonderful news have the desired effect?  Not in the least.  She basically dismissed me out of hand and left.  What was my reaction?  Well let me tell you it wasn't to go give her a hug.  I wanted to 1) bitch her out for being a heartless ass hole, 2) punch her in her cute little button nose (which I am totally jealous of, by the way) and 3) cry because my sister wasn't going to support me which, let's face it, was all I was actually looking for here.  I just wanted for once in my life for my big sister who I have basically idolized my entire life to say, "that is a great idea, Kerstin.  I'm sure you'll be much happier now."  What did I get? "You've been saying this for years, Kerstin.  It's not going to happen now."  You want to hit her too?!  Weird...  I get that I have been saying that I want to get over Andrew for years now, but I have never actually decided to do it because I was still holding onto the crazy prayer that we would be together and life would be just swell.  Lucky for me (and the rest of the sane world), I have since come to my senses and realized a happily ever after that involves Andrew and I ending up together is not in the cards...ever.  I just don't understand why my sister can't support my efforts.  This is the first time I have ever actually WANTED to get over Andrew, and I'm going to do it too...it's already working because I don't think of him every day like I used to and when I catch myself doing it, I put the kibosh on that but quick.  So yippee for me!!!

That is what has been making me happy these days...the whole PLAN succeeding finally.  Next, I just need to start dating, which is something my girls at work are more that happy to help me with.  I'm fairly certain, they are compiling lists of eligible men for me.  Ahh...it's good to be so loved. :-)

In other happy news, I am reading a whole big bunch of Susan Andersen romance novels and they make me incredibly happy.  At the same time, they make me feel like a silly, stupid grade-school girl.  For example, in the latest read, Coming Undone, the bad guy threatens to cut the heroine's hair and I just about tried to jump through the pages to save them....  Yeah, it was pathetic, I'll admit it, but the guy is crazy and totally untrained so it's not as though he was planning on giving her a flattering graduated bob or anything....  He was going to HACK her hair off.  All I was thinking was that I would all kinds of Amazon Warrior Goddess on anyone who tried to hack my hair off to teach me a lesson and that's exactly what I wanted to do to the fictional character I was reading about.  It's ok, feel free to judge...I know I deserve it.  Also, when same creepy bad guy sent the heroine a snake in a box, I tossed my nook to the furthest edge of my bed as if the snake would slither its icky, ICKY, ICKY body from the digital pages.  Pathetic, I know, but I accept that I am not the most rational person in the world when it comes to my books.  I am the type of girl who gets mesmerized by the story and forgets that while I may be reading about snow and frolicking deer in my book...it's actually 110 degrees outside and the nearest wildlife is the feral cat outside the office's back door.

Well, if you'll please excuse me, I need to keep reading to see if the heroine saves her hair. (Yes, I stopped reading to post this...again, I deserve the judging...bring it on.)

Yours always,
The snow-drift emotional K

33)

I realized the other day that I had yet to make a New Year's resolution and I feel that was rather poor form of me.  Guess what it is.  Go on, I dare you...guess.  No...? Fine, you're no fun.  I had a realization the other day that while I will always carry him in my heart and a part of me will forever love him, I need to take the rose-colored glasses off and realize that Andrew really wasn't that awesome of a guy.  Sure he was a super long-distance boyfriend, but in the years that we spent together before that, I refused to see that we just weren't compatible.  His life is going in such a different direction than mine.  I want to be happy again and I want to find love again.  Both of these things cannot be accomplished if I keep him in the forefront of my brain for the rest of my life.  I need to stop wondering what he feels about me, if he thinks of me, if he misses me, or if he even wants to see me ever again.  If I am ever going to dig myself out of the ditch I dug for myself over the course of the past three years...that's right it's been three years, stop judging...I have to focus on my future and that is a future that WILL NOT feature him.  This is really just a long-winded way of saying that my resolution is to get over Andrew and I'll be damned if I fail.  My plan for doing so?

1. I will no longer mention him in my posts unless he is crucial to whatever story I am attempting to convey.
2. I will no longer try to find out anything about his personal life (i.e. if he is dating someone.)
3. I will actively not think about him a little more each day until it become a passive function.
4. I will date other people and put myself out there because, let's face it, I'm 23 and I girls gotta have her fun sometime.
5. I will not compare any man I date to Andrew.
6. I will not date "replacement" Andrews. (i.e. guys who remind me of Andrew or remind my friends of Andrew if I am choosing to be blind to the fact.)

Let us all hope this actually works out and I find happiness within myself.  On that note...I WANT TO GO BACK TO EUROPE NOW!!!!!  I have a client at work who is going to Europe with her husband in a few weeks and she got me talking about all the places she needs to see and all the food she needs to eat and it makes me miss it so incredibly much!!  I have decided that I am going to start saving up money and I will do a study abroad in Ireland within the next two years.  This means I need to get my finances under control and that is a bit of a daunting task.  I need to fix my credit, get out of debt, or at least get it down to a manageable figure, and I need to start budgeting.  My new position at work is making this a titch easier because I did end up getting a slight raise and I have more hours per week!  Other than the recent rise in office drama that will hopefully wind down prior to my going crazy all over my co-workers, I am still completely enamored with my job. Today I had two clients come in just to say "hi" to me.  It's times like that that make me realize how lucky I am to be in a position to get women who may be having a horrible day when they sit down in my chair and be able to turn that day around with a lot of fun conversation and a jaunt through the lovely world of cosmetics.

I have started my absolute final semester at SCC and boy has it kicked off with a BANG.  Second day of my Philosophy of Sex class with Dr. Pervy-Old-Man, the professor decided to tell the class that he once thought it would be a dandy idea to have sex with the family dog at age thirteen and that he has gone to a slew of therapists throughout his life--whether or not the two events are related was not clarified, but I'm thinking the former was brought up during the latter.  I cannot even begin to explain how uncomfortable that made me.  I realize the purpose of this class is to get people to think, but that sure-as-hell wasn't an image I needed implanting itself in my subconscious.

Genny comes home for a couple of days on Wednesday so we can go see the midnight showing of "One for the Money" and, yes I do realize how very lame that makes us, but we LOVE these books.  Janet Evanovich is our favorite author and I really need her to find the elixir to life so she can at least live long enough that I don't go without reading material before my eyes fall out of my head.  Also, I am unacceptable excited about the Girl Scout cookies I ordered from the adorable little girl that came to my door.  Num, num!!  What can I say, I'm a fatty on the inside.  Speaking of, I have decided that I really need to get back into shape.  I want to be able to run for more than ten seconds and not feel like I'm sucking up a lung with each breath.  Sad as it may be, I think that will also help with my self-confidence.  I know I should be happy in my own skin, no matter how much there is of it, but I find those days to be fewer and farther in between and that is NOT ok.  So, it's high time I do something about it instead of wishing and hoping the weight just randomly decides its tired of my company and leaves of it's own doing.  I had a membership to a gym...I went once and I had it since September...pathetic, I know.

As, you can probably tell, I am in a no-holds-barred, kick-my-own-ass-into-shape-and-not-just-physically-speaking kind of mood.  It's going to work this time.  I am going to make myself a schedule.  I am going to take the dogs for a walk every day until I can start running with them.  I am going to work out on that infernal contraption in our garage. I am going to put myself on a budget. I am going to stick to my guns.  And finally, I sure as hell am going to get over Andrew and start dating again.

Yours,
The new self-improvement Barbie (aka Kerstin)

32

Happy New Year, babies!!  It is the second day of the new year and I'm hoping its going just dandy for the rest of you.  I have been sick for the last three days and that means I'm being super, SUPER whiny and needy...its good times for all involved.

Well, it's been settled.  I am going to go to ASU in the Fall...I would be going this semester, but the jerkfaces want my UA transcripts and I  keep trying to tell them they really, REALLY don't but they just won't listen.  I feel they are being stubborn and they are probably thinking the same thing about me.  I sent them my SCC transcripts...that should really be enough, but NOOOOOOO...they are being snarky.  However, they are not being snarky to my sister.  CAYLIN IS GOING TO ASU THIS SEMESTER!!!!!  I am so incredibly proud of her!! (Note: there is no sarcasm intended in that statement at all.)

In other news, I love my job and as soon as my background check clears, I get to be a Key Holder again!  I am so excited!  That means that I'll be getting more hours at least on a regular basis.  I have missed being a Key since I left Tucson and now I get to be one again.  I swear if this falls through, I may just go on a frelling rampage!  It probably won't mean that I get a raise, but I think I can deal with that considering I'm already one of the highest paid associates in the store because of Tucson.  I feel bad for my boss lady though.  She is going through so much right now that she really doesn't deserve.  She has no energy and no attention span with which to deal with anything that she has to at work.  I have been trying to help as much as possible, but until I have full access to the computer there is only so much I can do.  I am, as she calls me, the Visual Diva so I am in charge of keeping everything to schematic in the store and in the back room.  As a matter of fact, the new district manager gave me the chore to organize the back room and label everything so it has a specific place to live and everyone knows where that place is.  The only problem with that, is that she wants it done by the fifth and I have a floor set to do on Wednesday...the fourth, so when am I supposed to get this done?  I'm a touch stressed about it.

Other than that, I am a touch sad about my bestie ditching me for Mickey Mouse for eight months a WEEK FROM TOMORROW.  We haven't even had our Christmas together yet.  I need to get a few good pictures of her and I together so that I can make her her going away present.  The plan is to get her either one "friends" frame or a few of them and put our pictures in it so she can have them in her room.  And of course, I'll get her one of our favorite cards because that's just what we do.  I am going to miss her like a crazy person, but I'll be going over there for the weekend at the end of January so that'll be nice.

Other than that, Andrew is acting like he used to around me now and can actually smile at me and maintain eye contact and will voluntarily be in the same room with me now.  The only downside to this plan is that I fall for him all over again when he smiles at me...its dangerous.  I am trying to avoid Adam because he is just irritating me these days and I don't want to encourage him into thinking we are back to what we were because we NEVER will be.  He thinks he knows me and he truly doesn't.  He tries likes to tell me about Andrew just to see my reaction and he thinks he knows how I feel about it, but he definitely doesn't and he only pisses me off.

Other than that, I am reading a bunch of romance novels before bed and just got finished watching a chick flick so now I've decided that I want to marry an Irish guy and live happily ever after.

Hopefully, everything starts leaning more toward the happy side here within the next few weeks.
Loves and hopeful happiness,
K, the ever-sprightly. <3

31)

Alright kiddos, I promise I will try not to make this post a downer like the last one was.  Yikes...that was a touch needy, I know.

So basically I am super concerned about my best friend, Genny.  She has been uber down for the past few weeks.  I know she would never even consider suicide or anything like that, but still, my best-friend-spidey-senses aren't liking her current routine.  She doesn't talk much, she isn't as exuberant as she used to be, and every time she lets her guard down just for a second, its painfully obvious how miserable she is.  Spend five minutes with her these days and you'll want to jump off the nearest building too.  I know exactly what her problems are too, but they aren't anything I can fix.  She is moving to California in January for eight months.  Ever since she found out she got this internship, she's been in a super depressed fog and I can't get her out of it.  I know its not just because of the move that she's down.  She went out on a date with this guy from one of her classes and that only made her downer mode PLUMMET.  Its not like she didn't have a good time with the guy.  They made good conversation and had fun, but she's being all kinds of Debbie-downer and can't just let it be.  She actually said "he's too much of a good boy" and then she told me that he drinks too much so obviously he's not that much of a good boy...

Here's the thing with Genny, she likes to blame everything on Andrew--yes, my ex is also her ex, but she forced us together so its not weird for us.  I can understand why she wants to blame everything on him but she's wrong.  I knew her before she and Andrew had their little thing and she was always like this.  The girl, though I love her tremendously, has less than no self-esteem.  She thinks that because she let Andrew get past second base in a moment of weakness on Prom Night Junior Year (yeah, its capitalized...its just that infamous), that she can blame her ineptitude on him.  (Yes, I am jealous that she got further with him than I did...base-wise, there.  Curiosity quenched?)  She wants to blame everything on him because then she doesn't have to look to herself to point the fingers.  I have told her time and time again that she can't keep blaming him because it isn't his fault.  Yes, he treated her like SHIT.  Yes, he treated me like his girlfriend while he was dating her, which makes him an asshole.  Yes, he barely talked to her, especially when I was around and that makes him a bigger asshole.

However, she didn't stand up for herself.  She didn't tell him to knock the shit off or she'd beat that hell out of him.  She let him get away with everything.  She had the control that night.  She didn't have to fool around with him that night--which, by the way, nearly killed me when they went back to his room.  I don't think she has accepted why she let him do it.  I know why, because I know her better than she knows herself it would seem.  She did it because she thought it meant that she was worth something, but she wasn't taking into account that Andrew just wanted to get laid and he really didn't care who with.  I hate to be cynical about the man I love, but that guy would have done just about anything for sex or anything even close to sex and quite frankly, every time I think about he and Genny fooling around, I just get mad and hurt and my heart hurts all over again because I didn't even get a fucking kiss...sorry....  Anyways....  She is my best friend in the entire world and I can't keep seeing her go down this same road over and over again.  She keeps dating assholes because they aren't concerned with boosting her self esteem and she thinks she deserves that shitty treatment, which is complete BULLSHIT.

So now, I am on a mission.
Mission name: Fix Team Genny.
Time frame: before she leaves for California.
Plan: unknown, but possibly includes taking her up to the woods and chaining her to a tree till she knocks this shit off.
Mission statement:  Gennifer Frost, best friend of team leader, is broken and moving away from all person who can help her realize how wonderful she truly is.  She is broken because she cannot accept the truth of both her past and her reality.  We cannot send her off onto the unknowing and unprepared Disneyland in January without rectifying the situation.  While we know that she will get over the depression of moving away for eight months, she won't get over the bad self-esteem and the bad relationships.  We MUST do something about this!
Other important information: We are currently accepting volunteers.  Please apply.

Over and out,
Team Leader K

30

The current/recurring dilemma...I love him and it hurts.  This is very likely due to the fact that I haven't seem him at all in three months and I know he's in town.  Think about how you feel when you have coffee every day for nine years and then you suddenly quit cold turkey, but you still have to walk by that damn Starbucks everyday and smell all the delicious and enticing things that lie within...yeah, it's like that, but with a person.  I find, that I try to work asking about hi into conversations and I don't really listen to what others say because I'm too busy hoping they'll mention him instead.  My brain keeps conjuring up all of these fantasies of what it could be like, not just the sex, but life with him.  I keep fantasizing about he and I getting back together and working it all out, which is total bullshit.  I promise, I do actually realize that, but it never really matters, he is still so deeply routed in my consciousness, that I--it's like a tumor or something.  Can you wish for something so much and so devoutly that it poisons you so that you can never be really truly happy again?

The real problem...I don't want to let go of my fantasy.  That is the real issue I need help with...probably professional help.  Do they have interventions for people who won't let go of a dead/dying love?  Every time I go to his house, I always look for his car and my heart plummets when I don't see it and I NEVER see it.  I want to see him.  I want to look at him and see what I feel reflected back at me.  The chances of that ever happening aren't good.  I think I wish I didn't want him so bad, but I can't actually promise that is true.  I have lost touch with myself.  Was I ever in touch with myself?  I find myself wondering that very thing these days.  Do I have any idea who the hell I am?  I am starting to think I don't know.  I wish I did.  I always feel like I need to run.  Like I have to be prepared to get the hell out of dodge at any given moment.

I need to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!  I need to know that some one some where will in fact love me for exactly who I am.  I need a...I don't know what I need, just that I need to feel that loved and cherished again.  I'm 23 years old.  When is it my turn to be loved?  Will I throw it away again?  I hope not, but at least let me try to make it work out differently this time.

Lost and lonely...
K

29)

WHOA!!!!  What's this?! Two posts in one month by the infamous absentee blogger?!  MADNESS!!

And now that we've covered that....  So here's one thing you probably should have already gathered from my previous posts, but for those who are...shall we say...denser than the average reader, I'll just go ahead and spell it out for you--which doesn't actually have the same effect in writing as it does in speech, at least not when taken literally.  I am a sarcastic and cynical asshole.  If this offends you, we probably were't friends in the first place, so its all good.  With that having been said, I was thinking of writing a rather short self-help book and thought I would run what I got down at work the other day by you, so here it is...enjoy:


"It makes you wonder, doesn't it?  Why is it that every time you seem to find everything you think will make you happy, the universe suddenly pops up and pulls the rug out from under your feet and leaves you in shock flat on your ass and crying?
I actually know the answer to this one.  You see, you are just being a whiny twit.  It's not the universe pulling some imaginary rug out from under your feet; its you.  Now then, unless it was some sort of freak accident--no, your boyfriend breaking up with you, you getting a third traffic ticket this year, and/or waking up late so you miss your plane do NOT count as freak accidents, I was thinking more along the lines of getting struck by lightning, bitten by a radioactive insect, and/or suddenly acquiring Midas' touch--I can pretty much guarantee that what ever it was you have seen fit to blame on the universe also didn't happen "all of a sudden".
There were signs that your little Utopia was about to come crashing down all around you, but you didn't want to listen, or in the case of the deaf, see them, did you?  Noooooo...that wouldn't have made you happy and who can be unhappy in a Utopia?  No one, that's who.  So you purposefully ignored all signs pointing to reason, but inevitable doom.  You were in your little "happy bubble" with your delusional version of perfection to keep you warm and stupid.  I've got some disappointing news for you, my dear.  It turns out, "perfection" has some pretty sharp-ass edges, now doesn't it?  There is a bright side to all this melancholy though; once your delusional bubble has been popped, you will suddenly be able to pull your head from your ass and begin to use your brain once more...at least until the next time."


I sure do hope you enjoyed reading the beginning of my self-help book.  I was thinking the following pages would contain all those horrible saying your family and mine would throw in our faces when life got us down.  You know, just the really encouraging ones like, "suck it up, buttercup" or "walk it off" or even, "rub some dirt on it," oh, or even, "I stopped listening the second you started bitching."

Thoughts? Reflections?  Options for continuing, other chapters, content?

28

Let's get down to brass tactics, shall we?  I am kind of a dumbass when it comes to boys/men.  I'm sure if you've read...any of the other posts, you will have already gathered this fact and are now thinking to yourself, "Wow, she sure does like to state the obvious, doesn't she?"  To put that question to rest, yes, yes i do quite enjoy stating the obvious, but moving onto the the examples for which I am calling myself a dumbass...

The first being that I am still very much in love with Andrew, though I don't really want to get back together with him.  He keeps acting weird with me which, of course, sends my brain into crazy-girl mode and I'm not actually a fan of that mode despite my constant visits.  One day his family and I are sitting around the dinning room and we're all laughing and talking like the old times before Andrew and I got together in the first place.  I was all kinds of excited because I had seen that "spark" in his eyes.  He was smiling at me and speaking directly to me, even teasing me.  It was great.  Now he's gone back to not being able to be in the same room with me and seems to have gone so far as to avoiding entering the house when he sees Franny parked out front.  So that leaves me to assume that I am a delusional nit wit with issues regarding wishful thinking for "seeing" that damn spark.  You know what they say, sparks cause fires and then your ass gets burned.  However, it would be a lie to say that I didn't wish that fire would burn his clothes off so that I might see if screwing his brains out would get him out of my system.  Don't worry.  This isn't a theory I'm planning on following through with.  Clearly, it will forever stay in the hypothesis stage because dreams don't count--if you say they do, you suck and I don't like you anymore.

Onto the next example of my dumbassery--that's right, I made up that word, go forth and use it.  The mere fact that I dated Ben (see previous post for further details) should really tell you everything you need to know.  I actually had myself convinced that I was falling for him and now I have trouble even remembering we actually dated.  How idiotic is that?!  No, you need not answer.

And...moving on...  Let me introduce you to Matt.  He is my latest proof of my dumbassness.  A little background: I met him while I was working down at Tucson Mall for Bare Escentuals--best make up ever, in case you were wondering--and he was working for T-Mobile.  I had seen him around the mall, but was completely enamored with one of his co-workers so I didn't talk to him much, but he'd apparently called dibs on me when he saw which meant that I didn't stand a chance with his super gorgeous friend.  However, two weeks before I moved back home, he stopped outside my store and we talked for a little bit, and he asked for my number so we could grab a drink one night before I left.  While that drink never happened, we did start talking a whole big bunch.  I went down to Tucson one day to start bringing more stuff back home and went to see him at work.  When I left he walked me to my car and kissed me.  Now, there weren't any fireworks or anything super corny like that, but he was an amazing, AMAZING kisser.  Definitely top three material.  Anyways...about a month after that, he decided to tell me that he"thinks he's in love with me".  Yeah, that happened.  He also decided, shortly after I had moved and told him I was still a virgin in a late-night drunken phone call, that he was going to be the one to take my virginity.  I'm not going to even attempt to lie and say this didn't appeal to me because it TOTALLY did.  I just kept thinking, "Well if he can kiss that well...what else could he do to me?"  Then he kept doing the "I love you" thing which I didn't really enjoy, but i was loving the attention so i went ahead and kept on talking to him.  In our last conversation after I got back from visiting Amber in Denver, we talked on the phone from about ten till five thirty am...it was ridiculous!!!  That was quite a busy conversation too.... He managed to slip in some stealth phone sex.  I know, you're wondering how one accomplishes stealth phone sex and I'll tell you.  Now we'd pretty much always talked about sex, but that time was quite different.  I'd never really understood phone sex...especially being a virgin.  It just seemed like a lot of work just to get off and I don't like working hard at such things.  But, DAMN the boy had a way with words and he actually managed to get me into it a little, but not much mostly because of the virginal status and my SERIOUS lack of experience in such fields.  While I'll never admit typing.saying such a thing, it was actually kind of fun and exciting.  However, about two hours later, he finally convinced me to tell him about the Andrew saga, so I did.  He then proceeded to get pissed off at me because i still love my first love.  Apparently, unlike him, I can't just walk off being in love.  Needless to say that conversation didn't end on the happiest of notes and we stopped talking.  I ignored the few texts and one call i got from him after that and he stopped trying.  Don't worry, the dumbassery continued.  Last night, i was feeling lonely and a little guilty for just ignoring him, so my dumb ass texted him.  We talked and he wants to know if I want a relationship with him.  I didn't respond last night because I figured this was something to sleep on.  When I woke up this morning, I realized that I really didn't want a relationship with him.  I don't even really want to screw him anymore.  However, I haven't exactly gotten around to telling him that yet... oops...

Oh, but wait there is one more small thing I haven't mentioned yet.  While sober Kerstin seems to make all kinds of poor decisions, drunk Kerstin is much, MUCH worse.  While I was in Denver with my girls, we went to Ladies' Night at Jackson's in downtown Denver.  Well, it was $5 all you can drink and I took that very seriously and started downing drinks like there was no tomorrow.  At some point in the night I had asked one of the security guards what size his gauges were in his ear...apparently that translated to flirting because he stayed pretty close for the rest of the night.  I ended up giving him my number so he could send me a picture of my sister doing a boobie-five with one of Amber's Denver friends.  I hadn't thought anything of it considering I didn't even have my phone that night.  My sister had my phone because her's was dead and she wanted to talk to Bean's brother.  Apparently, she also flirted quite heavily with the security guard, whose name was Bobby.  Like I said before, this hadn't popped up on my radar at all until last week.  The guy sent me a picture of his erect dick.  While I've never actually seen one up close and personal, I can still tell you that he really should have left his hand out of the picture because I know how big/small it was, and that gave me an idea of how less than impressive he actually was.  Now, my dumbassness in this one is mostly that I didn't respond to the picture with something snarky like, "really? should I have been impressed?"

Well, that is the saga of my dumbassery with the male population...I'll likely have more stories soon, if I keep going to the bars to see new bands.  PS:  The Sail Inn in Tempe on Wednesday nights...rocks.