41)

Holy crap balls!! I have such news for you! As we all know, I'm devastatingly and hopelessly in love with Andrew. Well...he kissed me last night (Wednesday). It was the strangest thing ever. By strange, I mean random and AMAZING!
He called me last night around 11:30 to come pick him and Nate up because his car ran out of gas. So I did. After we got the gas, I left straight away and went back home. In hindsight, I should have stayed to make sure that worked because I got another call asking me to just take them home. Of course I did, because I like to test to see if my nice side still works. Andrew said I had to go in to hang out for a little bit and have a glass of wine, so I did. I ended up having two glasses of yummy wine and then we all went outside so the boys could smoke their cancer sticks. We spent about three hours talking about nothing and everything all at the same time. Nate and I made fun of Andrew because he has those silly tosie shoes. Then Andrew was about to tell me something his brother had told him but then decided not to so as not to rat his brother out (screw that, just rat him out!). Nate went inside and I stood up to go look for a bottle of water and Andrew got up too. He said something along the lines of "see if this will help you understand" and then he just grabbed me and kissed me. We hugged-my brain was suddenly out of commission so I don't really know what all happened at this point- and then Nate came back outside. I went inside for the water and Andrew followed me into the back room.
Here's where things get really interesting. He kept saying how shy he is. He also said something along the lines of "since we met, you've been a focal point in my life". He told me how he came to a bunch of the badminton games just to see me and that I should think about what that means. Well, HEEEEELLLLLLOOOOOO...my brain vacated my damn body the moment his lips touched mine. I'd love to go with this meaning he still loves me, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I need to find out if he just did it because he was drunk, or what. When Nate was around after Andrew kissed me, Andrew started talking about some other girl and was being all kinds of cryptic about it. That's when I said goodnight and went home. I sent him a message on Facebook that said, "So...you kissed me last night. Thoughts? Reactions?"
Any who...that's my amazing news! I hope all of you have amazing news too!
Confused and excited,
K

40

Hey, hey beauties.  For starters...we should all be kind of proud of me.  I haven't killed anyone since my last post.  It was getting kind of sketchy there for a bit, but I pooled all my self-control and managed not to succumb.

Funny story...well my sister thought it was hilarious at least.  So I fell down a few stairs last week...literally a week ago from today, and I hit me knee on either one of the steps or the ground I was trying to reach safely.  Since that day, my snarky knee has been hurting and maintained a swollen status.  The pain is getting worse and I think I may have just gotten used to the whole swollen thing because I think it's been getting better, but apparently I am the only one who feels that way.  I HATE my doctor's office.  It's like they compiled all the little shits just out of med school and put them in one office to piss me off and give me no help.  The receptionists are even little ass holes.  They just told me to go to urgent care because they would have to send me for x-rays anyway...there is an x-ray place right-fucking-below them, but I should go to Urgent Care or the ER so i can sit around for three freaking hours for them to tell me to ice it and schedule an appointment with my primary care physician...I'm going to go ahead and pass on that one, but thanks.  How did I manage to fall, you ask?  Here's the thing...I have weak ankles and they like to roll out from under me every once and a while, generally not while I am on stairs, but apparently they thought it would be fun to mix it up this Independence Day.  I am not the type of person who rolls down stairs when I fall.  No, no...one leg goes out straight in front of me while the one with the rolling ankle went underneath me.  I'm pretty sure i did some semblance of the splits...thank goodness I was wearing pants and not a skirt because that could have gotten awkward pretty fast.  This episode also took place at the mall in which I work.  I was incredibly lucky to have gotten the opening shift that day and that none of the geriatric walkers were out and about on that particular morning.  Nobody was around, in fact, to witness this embarrassing moment of my life, but I'm sure it'll happen again when more people are around.  I probably should have just gone to the ER as my mother suggested the following day, but I generally bounce back from injury rather quickly and I super dislike hospitals...or any medical building really.  Perhaps it stems from an irrational fear that the evil doctors will jump out at me and give me a shot with the biggest needle they can find.  And now you all think I'm a nut job...I don't blame you, but know this: I HATE needles and I'm not particularly fond of the people wielding them either.  Aaaannny hoodle, because I feel like my knee looks kinda strange I have decided that I a just going to suck it up and make an appointment with my stupy-poopy doctors and be done with it.


That's what has been plaguing me the most as of late, but we all know boys do the same damn thing to me too.  So I haven't heard from either guy for a WHILE now and it was slowly driving me crazy.  The fact that I dream about Andrew often tempered that one a bit, but the other one has been incognito for THREE weeks now and I hate it.  I am over the addiction to our conversations, but I still miss him.  Because I am so damn proud, I have basically refused to be the first one to talk to him.  Our last conversation was stupid anyway and it's like pulling teeth to get him to try having a normal conversation, so I think it's better if I just let him decide when he wants to talk to me instead of basically begging for what ever conversation scraps he throws my way (Yes, I'm being melodramatic and completely overstating the situation, but it's my blog so it's allowed).


Other than those little treasures that have been plaguing my days, life seems to be doing pretty well.  I am so freaking excited because in two weeks I get to not only go to California with Caylin and our next door neighbor, Cole, but best friend is going to spend two of the three days we are in San Diego with us!!  We are taking Cole to Sea World, the beach and the aquarium.  It's going to be awesome.  And then, about three weeks after that, I am going out to Anaheim to get bestie and bring her home!  She is planning all of the things we are going to do while I'm there for a week.  There is a suspicious lack of packing involved in these plans which makes me laugh because I know all of this packing is going to get done at about two in the morning while we are drinking the night before she has to be out of there.  It's going to be AWESOME!  Packing while tipsy...I highly recommend it.  It makes it a much less arduous affair and that is always a good thing. :-)


I am going to go buy more of my school books for this semester, so I guess I should go.  I know, I'm sad to say goodbye too.  Just know you are loved...not necessarily by me, but you are.


That's all for now,
K

39)

Dear men in my life,
I don't understand you and I wish I could simply give up on trying, but that seems to be an impossible feat. Why is it so incredibly difficult for you to see that all I really want is a conversation every once and a while. I just want to know that you think of me from time to time. I want to feel wanted...to feel cherished, but neither one of you seem to be able to do that. Isn't it pathetic? Here I sit wishing either of you would talk to me...shockingly, not so much Andrew right now as the other. I swear I tried to stay unattached, but his personality made that impossible. It's not like I've fallen for him, but I can't even attempt to convey how much I just miss talking to him. Just joking around. Yeah, I miss the sex talks too...those were fun, but mostly, just the everyday kind of talk we used to do. This guy has turned my heart or brain in knots and I can't seem to untangle them. He's a great guy, but how am I supposed to just accept that he doesn't seem to want me anymore after telling me he's wanted me since high school? That's not fair. I wish I could be as unaffected by his absence and his apparent reticence to even attempt to maintain a conversation with me as he is, but I'm not. I want it back. I don't know what i'm going to do about him, but i'll try to keep this updated.
In closing, boys...you are dumb and its hurting me now, so just give me a little clarification and we can all go home happier people.
Sincerely,
Saddened and Lonely K

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38

Hia kiddos!  I sure hope your life hasn't been too boring in my absence. (Yes, that was sarcasm. No, I don't give myself that much credit.  To assume that I am your soul source of entertainment would be ridiculous...and make you look really pathetic, which I'm sure you're not.)

What have I been up to since my last post?  Hmmm...well I failed some classes at SCC, and by fail I mean I got a C and a D, the other two were As, so we're good.  I figured that since ASU didn't actually need the transcripts for that last semester and I really didn't want to go to those classes, who cares, right?  Yeah, that'll probably come back to bit me in the ass.  Until that happens...moving on.  I did get my id for ASU...I look like crap, oh well, only hundreds of people are likely to see it.  Here's what keeps me from "accidentally" losing it and going to get another one...that crappy, Crappy, CRAPPY picture is going to make me look really good in person.  DAY SAVED BY LOGIC!  Let's see...what else?  I keep losing track of where I was planning on going with this.  Obviously, the new plan is just to spew every thought I have while I write this.

Boy news:  There are two, well there where when I started this a week and a half ago.  Now, I'm pretty sure there aren't any.  Of course I still love Andrew, but that isn't going any where any time soon.  We had fun in Vegas together for his sister's wedding though.  We held hands which he later apologized for...I thought it was hilarious and frustrating all at the same time, but those are normally my emotions concerning all of our interactions.  He grabbed my ass at one point...didn't apologize for that one.  Interesting boy.  He'll apologize for the cute stuff, but for the inappropriate, nope.  Not gonna happen.  One of these days I will find out that boy's thought process.  The other one is/was my friend's brother (apparently, crushing on my friend's brothers is my thing).  He's a great guy honestly, but he also lives in California.  We did the whole "I like you, well that's funny because I like you too" thing about three weeks ago.  Since then, we talked everyday, basically all day until about four days ago when Operation Silence commenced.  It's his thing.  I don't know why we aren't talking right now and part of me doesn't care--that part is named Pride, she's kind of a huge bitch--but another part is 1) super curious and 2) a little upset by it.  What does this mean?  I have no idea.  If this is his way of calling whatever it was that we were doing off, then ok, but I'd appreciate a little notice.  If he needs a little time to sort his shit out, again, totally cool with that plan, but just say so.  Seriously, what is it with the male population I've had the pleasure of dealing with and their insistence that Operation Incognito is a good plan when dealing with a woman/girl/lady?  Guys...it's a super shitty plan; please concoct a new one, thanks.  Because my pride is a super righteous ass hole these days, my plan seems to be just to wait it out and if he decided to grace me with his conversations soon, awesome.  If not, well that's unfortunate, but I'll deal with it.  He was the one who said not to get attached, so I didn't get attached...well no more than I had been before.  He is one of my friend's big brother...so attachment happens, but only in a friendly sort of way.  I just miss the playfulness of our conversations, but, again, I'll deal.  I'll just read more.  There problem solved...kinda. ;-)  He said we can't have a relationship and I agreed, because, well, we really can't.  He lives super far and isn't planning on moving back any time soon and I would never ask him to, nor would I move for a prospective relationship.  **NOTE: If I ever do move for a prospective relationship, smack me upside the head until the realization of my stupidity sinks in.  Thank you.**  I would love to be the girl he needs me to be, but while I am a virgin and don't actually know what will happen emotionally when I do FINALLY have sex, I do know that I will not be able to keep emotions out of the equation.  I cannot compartmentalize my emotions so I could just keep the emotions in the sack...not happening and that's what he says he wants.  I totally get that he is probably afraid of committed relationships because of a super crappy relationship history, however, we weren't talking committed anything...just play.

On a side note, what is it with guys and wanting naked/topless pictures?  I am so not the girl to ask for this.  I have seen the dangers of this in person to a few of my friends and some of my friend's exes...not happening to me, thank you.  Do you really think these guys delete the pictures when you break up?  Nope.  What happens if their friends/family is going through their phone?  I'm gonna pass, thanks.  Use your imagination and jerk off to that or, better yet, they make porn for a reason kids...don't waste it.  Watch all those people do the things I won't let you and stop asking.  Also, talking dirty...not a skill I really know how to use.  I enjoy hearing it, but come on...I'm a virgin, what experience do I have to go on here?  Give me a pen and paper and I will write you a fairly explicit story, but that whole in the moment thing...my attempts are probably laughable...my subconscious sure got one hell of a kick out of it.  Call me a prude if you want, but I get super embarrassed so all of my dirty talk attempts...are epic fails.  Yeah, I know what turns me on, but expressing it is a whole different story.  Again...my virginity sucks sometimes.  I will wear it like the badge of honor everyone seems to think it is, but that is soooooo not how I see it.  I get it, don't just randomly sleep with the first dick you meet in a bar--hehehe, yes, that pun was intended. you missed it? go back and read it again...--but the few guys, ok, two, I actually want to not sleep with are nowhere to be found.  **Keep in mind I am not including the few celebrities my clothes would literally fall off for...that number would go up...a bit.**

I got a bit off track there.  I was shocked too.  Related to the school update above, I am taking five classes in the fall.  I am pretty excited about it.  However, I went ahead and threw a wrench into the mix because I signed up for a class that STARTS at 7:30am...that's in the MORNING for those slow kids in the back who missed that.  Anyone who has ever had the pleasure of attempting to talk to me in the morning knows how super pleasant (<=sarcasm) I am.  My day should never start before 7:30am...that's when I get up to take a shower...well that's when my alarm goes off, my getting up at the time is in no way directly related to that event.  I have about 15 minutes in between each class and with the way I walk, this doesn't seem like it'll be an issue, but I am going to be sweaty and gross during the summer months...meaning until finals week.  Also, the book lists for these classes makes me weep!  The 7:30 class is the only one that has only one book so I can't drop it now...not that I was going to.  The next lowest is three, then five, six and finally, nine.  REALLY PEOPLE?! NINE BOOKS FOR ONE CLASS?! WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH? I am a fairly nice person and that seems excessive, but I can't get too mad about that one...it's for an Arthurian Literature class *insert freakishly excited dance here* The only thing I can think of when I see my book list for my classes is, "Holy shit, I am going to have to write a bunch of papers.  I bet my teachers will all get together and make them due on the same day just to fuck with me.... Those rat bastards."  I am so excited to be that teacher!!!

Back to boy news. I started this post yesterday and got a little more wordy than I'd intended so I didn't get to finish.  Because I super enjoy contradicting myself a few hours after making a decision, I text guy#2 last night and started a conversation with "It's been a while" with an undertone of "WHY THE FUCK HAVEN'T YOU BEEN TALKING TO ME AFTER YOU  GOT ME ALL ADDICTED TO YOU SCINTILLATING CONVERSATION?!"  So now we are talking again.  It's not super playful, but at least it's a conversation and that's all I need right now.  I also saw Andrew last night and his best friend Nate.  I hid their shoes because they left them out.  Nate left his right in front of the door and that's just impolite and I didn't want him to feel picked on so I hid Andrew's too... hehehe Mom helped and it was awesome.  Andrew is doing that thing where he can't really be in the same room as me for long periods of time and barely says anything to me, but whatever.  The boy still gets up when I tell him to and gives me a hug when I leave even though he has said several times that he won't do that anymore. BWAHAHAHAHAHA...I win.

Alright kiddos, I'm sure you have just about gotten your fill of my snarky ass, so I will leave you for the time being.  Enjoy your life.  I hope it's filled with naps and a lack of stupidity.

37)

This one is going to start out a little...well a lot sad, and then you will probably start yelling at me to pull my head out of my ass.  I'm going to go ahead and tell you to brace yourselves now...it isn't going to happen, so try to keep it down or the neighbors are going to get upset.

Alrighty, so the sad news is that my wonderful boss lost her baby the other day.  She was due in about four months, but last week she started leaking amniotic fluid and the doctors put her on bed rest.  Here's the thing about my dearest Kimmy-kins...her+bed rest=lots and lots of stress because she hates being stagnant. Well, the thing about the baby-making process is that stress isn't such a great thing.  Unfortunately, she started bleeding the other day and the doctors sent her home because there was nothing they could do, but then she started bleeding the next day again.  She sent us a text that said "I'm in labor now it's too soon for the baby to survive."  What do you say to that?!  I wanted to just cry for her.  She just started getting excited about this baby and then he was taken from her four months before she ever got to see him.  I'm sure it would have been so much more difficult for her if he had been carried to full term only for her to loose him then.  Now she says she is coming back to work next week and we are all super concerned.  I mean, I get it, she probably doesn't want to be left alone with her thoughts for too long and work will definitely take her mind off that.  However, she JUST lost a baby and I can't help to think that she isn't dealing with things that she needs to deal with.  I wish there were some way to help her, but I know there is nothing I can say that will take the pain away.  We have decided to just try and make work the best place in the world for her and we are going to try and make sure she knows we would do just about anything for her.

So that was the sad news.  I know, I want to cry too and it has nothing to do with the alcohol I am currently consuming.  Now onto the part that requires surgery that would remove my head from my ass.  Guess what the subject is.  Andrew?  How did you know?!  I'm that obvious?  How pathetic.  Aaaaannnndddd....I'm over it.  Yup, you guessed, I still love everything about him.  I have no idea if he's still dating that girl, but honestly, the mood I'm in right now, I just don't give a shit.  I would still screw him and say come what may.  All I am actually asking for here is just a kiss.  I really don't think that's too much to ask for.  I mean seriously, he smiles at me and I MELT like ice cream on the summer sidewalk.  He just keeps looking at me like he wants to slam me up against a wall and have his way with me, which, for the record, I am beyond ok with.  At his sister's bridal shower this last Saturday, I was basically holding a baby the entire time and he kept staring at me with a smile or strange look on his face.  If ever there were a time for those telepathic powers to kick in, that was it, but no.  I am left with far too much to ponder and way too much time in which to do so.  I  don't know if he still has as strong of feelings for me as I do him, but that is the question I really, REALLY want answered.  Of course, I still love him very much.  Most of my spare time and dreams/fantasies are about him, which just goes to show how incredibly pathetic I really am.  I can't stop thinking about him.  I try so hard and it never works.  I know I promised to keep him out of my thoughts and dreams, but we all knew I would be a big fatty failure face on that one.  I had to drop off a movie for Adam tonight so he could copy it and I just kept hoping that I would get to see Andrew all damn day.  Its really gross, but I just can't help it.  How do you fall out of love when you don't even know how you fell in love in the first place?! Am i just doomed to dream about him until the day I die?  I think that would be WILDLY unfair....  Tonight, I did a freaking happy dance just because his car was outside his house when I got there.  Then he started messing with me and I swear, I almost shat myself, I was so happy.  Yes, shitting yourself, is now a sign of true love...take notes.  I don't think I want to lose this feeling.  It's too amazing.  It keeps me smiling like and idiot even if it drives me batshit crazy...the good far outweighs the bad here.  I just want a taste...just one...unless that isn't enough, then I will probably get super greedy, but let's cross that bridge if we ever get to it--please let me get to it.

In news that will probably be music to your ears...well eyes.  I am going to start seeing a therapist.  I think it will be good for me if only to talk to someone who is totally unbiased.  I know I need help keeping my emotions in check because I can't keep having these crazy ass mood swings.  I feel like maybe if I just talk to some random third party about every thing that is bouncing around in my brain maybe it won't make me feel so freaking bonkers.  I know this is a long shot, but it is way better than sitting about with my thumb up my bum--yeah I went Canadian on you there, eh.

Other than that stuff, my life is actually pretty boring....Oh!  I did get into ASU for this upcoming Fall, so that is super exciting.  I just have to call them to make sure because I haven't gotten my letter yet and that is FREAKING me out.  Just another thing to go over with certified specialist with.  Not that this doesn't help, but let's face it, you kids are not here to actually help.  You are here because some of the shit that you read is somewhat amusing.  Don't worry, I won't quit my day job just yet....  This is the only place I can spew and not care if you guys judge me.  I am fully aware that it is very likely happening as I type this, but I have no proof and that keeps me happy.

Your true blonde,
K

36

WARNING: This post is going to start with a total over-share.  If that make you uncomfortable...you've probably been feeling that way for a while now and should be used to it so keep reading anyway.  Conflict, even interior conflict, build character.  That's right, I'm telling you to go out there and get in people's faces when they piss you off and don't back down.

Anyways...I just though I'd mention how different this period has been for me, in an unsettling way.  Normally, my emotions aren't in the shitter all the frelling time when the red tide's-a-runnin', but this time, it's like I'm on downers with anger issues the entire time.  I quite literally had to stop myself from punching one of the girls at work last night.  I was THIS close--ok you can't see, but my fingers are super close together over here.  Keep in mind, I already don't like this girl, but I love my job and pretty much everything about it, but yesterday, I wanted to break down and cry.  That's exactly what I did do when I was talking to my parents about it when I finally got home last night.  My mother made me take a super hot bath with music and lots of wine so I would calm down.

Also, my plethora of romance novels I've been reading lately are actually starting to make me feel better about my whole being a virgin thing.  However, the one I just finished reading made me a little scared to finally have sex.  The heroine--that's right, she's my hero in all these books, take it--got pregnant after having sex once when she'd waited until she was 26 to finally give it up.  I mean really...what's that about.  So not fair. Breath, yes I know these are fictional characters, but I know this happens.  It's not like they didn't used a fictional condom in they're fictional sex-fest--I'm making it sound way more juicy than it actually was.  Note: do not fall asleep with a guy still inside you even if he has a condom...my book says you're gonna get knocked up.

In related news...I'm slipping a little on the Andrew front. It's not on purpose!  The other week I was having a bad day and that's generally when I want to see him anyway because for some asinine reason he makes me feel better just by being there.  Don't ask me why, but he does..he's my tranquilizer and I really, REALLY needed it that day.  I was out driving--I don't even remember where too--and it took everything I had in me not to go to his house hoping he was there and just launch myself into his arms as if his holding me would solve all my problems when we all know it would only create more than I have time to deal with.  However, this seemed like a super awesome plan in my hormone addled brain at the time.  Don't worry, I resisted.  Since then, it's gotten a little better, but I still want to see him.  I really need closure and I really, REALLY need people to stop saying that the whole he avoids all contact, physical or otherwise, one visit and the next he make an effort to talk to me and smile and make eye contact means that he still has feelings for me.  I'll tell you what, if someone, and I really don't care who it is at this point, can tell me without a doubt that he still loves me and wants me, I will go straight to his house and plant a big kiss on him immediately following that revelation.  I am still trying to make a conscious effort to keep him out of my brain, but there are times when i just can't seem to win and he is always there--not physically, of course, but mentally the bastard won't leave me alone.  I know I can't actually blame Andrew for my brain/heart's reluctance to let him go, but it's not like I want to take the responsibility.  I have accepted that I will forever love him and that he will forever hold a piece of me, but I have also tried to accept that I need to move on and let him go with whatever piece of me he unknowingly holds.  I also know that should he ever read the words in these posts about him, I might just expire on the spot as though someone shot me point blank, but part of me really kinda hopes he does one day...preferably when I'm on another continent...

Why can't life be like the movies?  Most people get a happy ending one way or the other unless you're watching those independent films...or foreign films.  Other countries have it right when they make their films.  They aren't concerned with coddling the population.  They tell it like it is.  There are no happy endings in life.  That wouldn't be life.  The only people who actually have a good go of it are the liars and cheats and you have to figure they are dealing with some major stress trying to keep all their stories straight and worrying about what's going to happen next.  News flash: THERE ARE NO HAPPY ENDINGS, KIDS.  SUCK IT UP AND MOVE THE HELL ON.  Just put one foot in front of the other and eventually you can just call it a day.

Cynical in Scottsdale,
K

35)

Ok, here's the thing about me you have probably already gathered, but I'm gonna tell you anyway...I constantly make bad life decisions and then feel little to no remorse about them.  In fact, even as I am typing this, I am making one and I can't seem to convince myself to stop.  This may warrant some serious psychological help...

What is my current bad choice you ask?  Well, do you remember Matt from Tucson?  Yeah, that's the one.  I was struck by a wild hair while doing my homework this evening and texted him. Now we are talking...well, flirting, and I really don't want to stop.  Now, before you say anything (!) he is 1) not an Andrew wanna-be and 2) I am a little lonely and in need of a good flirt...he takes care of that.  Plus, he's not seeing anyone and is more than willing to let go of our less than pleasant non-break-up.  I am trying to convince him to give me his dog...so cute.  He is a nice guy and, honestly, I miss him.  Not in a "I just miss flirting" kind of way, but I actually miss him.  He was always so nice and funny and sweet and I miss that.  Plus he's super fun.

Anyways...let's go ahead and move on from my likely, very serious lapse in judgement.  I went to Flagstaff this past Sunday with Caylin and all five dogs to frolic in the snow and do the fat girl's version of a hike which basically consists of romping through a meadow with mostly even surface.  There was still some snow up there though, so Caylin and I had a snowball fight.  Carina, her boxer mix, and Maddie, my golden retriever, thought we were playing ball and kept trying to catch it.  It was so cute.  Bubba, Caylin's pit bull mix, only had a few spurts of craziness in which he ran around playing with the other pups who were only too happy to chase him about.  Bonnie, her red doberman mix, was a titch of a trouble maker.  She kept wandering off, just so pleased that she was off her leash and felt entitled to not pay attention.  Lulu, my great dane, she was so freaking cute!  She just kept wandering around, eager to play and explore, but always came right on back when we called her to us.

Bonnie and Lulu got a bit distracted...

Today was an interesting day at work.  I got to the parking lot and decided I really didn't want to be there and neither did the girl I was closing with.  Considering I didn't have to make much as far sales today, I decided I was going to do a bunch of tasking stuff in preparation for our visit from some of the head honchos on Tuesday and let the other girls make their sales with the limited customers we had today.  Apparently, tasking-Kerstin looks like an angry Kerstin and the girls were all super concerned about me.  Boss lady, Kim, kept asking them if they had done something to upset me, which none of them had because I wasn't upset.  Debbie, came up and asked if she had upset me in some way because Kim had asked her.  Katie kept randomly telling me she loved me. Devin thought it was best just to stay out of my way.  Kim kept asking me if I was alright.  She was so cute!  When she came back from her lunch she brought me three little cake-on-a-stick thingys with the sweetest note on top...

See...isn't she the sweetest?!

I love my job and I am pretty darn happy with my life and my new bad decision...not gonna lie.  He's trying to get his Skype to play nice with mine and is failing epically, but is getting his roommate's girlfriend to help him.  I'm sorry, but that is freaking adorable, so I can't really think this is too horrible of an idea.  Eh, I like the guy, so sue me.

Not really, I'm broke...so please don't.  Feel free to scold me in the comments section though...

Loves,
K

PS: Aren't you proud I figured out the whole picture thing?!!!!

34

Strange emotions have been flitting through my mind for the few days.  It's like its snowing feelings in my brain and they are congregating together on the ground in there melting into one giant, nameless thing I can't control.  Yes, I realize this all sounds like an application to a psych ward, but I swear...I'm just being a titch melodramatic because...well...I can.  It's a power thing. What can I say?

Anyway, my emotions really have been all over the place lately...could be just because I'm a girl and Mother Nature HATES me right now, but that's just too easy.  For instance, my sister and I were just having a somewhat pleasant conversation about the follies and craziness of our parent's relationship when there was a slight break and I thought I would make her happy about telling her about my New Year's Resolution.  Did my wonderful news have the desired effect?  Not in the least.  She basically dismissed me out of hand and left.  What was my reaction?  Well let me tell you it wasn't to go give her a hug.  I wanted to 1) bitch her out for being a heartless ass hole, 2) punch her in her cute little button nose (which I am totally jealous of, by the way) and 3) cry because my sister wasn't going to support me which, let's face it, was all I was actually looking for here.  I just wanted for once in my life for my big sister who I have basically idolized my entire life to say, "that is a great idea, Kerstin.  I'm sure you'll be much happier now."  What did I get? "You've been saying this for years, Kerstin.  It's not going to happen now."  You want to hit her too?!  Weird...  I get that I have been saying that I want to get over Andrew for years now, but I have never actually decided to do it because I was still holding onto the crazy prayer that we would be together and life would be just swell.  Lucky for me (and the rest of the sane world), I have since come to my senses and realized a happily ever after that involves Andrew and I ending up together is not in the cards...ever.  I just don't understand why my sister can't support my efforts.  This is the first time I have ever actually WANTED to get over Andrew, and I'm going to do it too...it's already working because I don't think of him every day like I used to and when I catch myself doing it, I put the kibosh on that but quick.  So yippee for me!!!

That is what has been making me happy these days...the whole PLAN succeeding finally.  Next, I just need to start dating, which is something my girls at work are more that happy to help me with.  I'm fairly certain, they are compiling lists of eligible men for me.  Ahh...it's good to be so loved. :-)

In other happy news, I am reading a whole big bunch of Susan Andersen romance novels and they make me incredibly happy.  At the same time, they make me feel like a silly, stupid grade-school girl.  For example, in the latest read, Coming Undone, the bad guy threatens to cut the heroine's hair and I just about tried to jump through the pages to save them....  Yeah, it was pathetic, I'll admit it, but the guy is crazy and totally untrained so it's not as though he was planning on giving her a flattering graduated bob or anything....  He was going to HACK her hair off.  All I was thinking was that I would all kinds of Amazon Warrior Goddess on anyone who tried to hack my hair off to teach me a lesson and that's exactly what I wanted to do to the fictional character I was reading about.  It's ok, feel free to judge...I know I deserve it.  Also, when same creepy bad guy sent the heroine a snake in a box, I tossed my nook to the furthest edge of my bed as if the snake would slither its icky, ICKY, ICKY body from the digital pages.  Pathetic, I know, but I accept that I am not the most rational person in the world when it comes to my books.  I am the type of girl who gets mesmerized by the story and forgets that while I may be reading about snow and frolicking deer in my book...it's actually 110 degrees outside and the nearest wildlife is the feral cat outside the office's back door.

Well, if you'll please excuse me, I need to keep reading to see if the heroine saves her hair. (Yes, I stopped reading to post this...again, I deserve the judging...bring it on.)

Yours always,
The snow-drift emotional K

33)

I realized the other day that I had yet to make a New Year's resolution and I feel that was rather poor form of me.  Guess what it is.  Go on, I dare you...guess.  No...? Fine, you're no fun.  I had a realization the other day that while I will always carry him in my heart and a part of me will forever love him, I need to take the rose-colored glasses off and realize that Andrew really wasn't that awesome of a guy.  Sure he was a super long-distance boyfriend, but in the years that we spent together before that, I refused to see that we just weren't compatible.  His life is going in such a different direction than mine.  I want to be happy again and I want to find love again.  Both of these things cannot be accomplished if I keep him in the forefront of my brain for the rest of my life.  I need to stop wondering what he feels about me, if he thinks of me, if he misses me, or if he even wants to see me ever again.  If I am ever going to dig myself out of the ditch I dug for myself over the course of the past three years...that's right it's been three years, stop judging...I have to focus on my future and that is a future that WILL NOT feature him.  This is really just a long-winded way of saying that my resolution is to get over Andrew and I'll be damned if I fail.  My plan for doing so?

1. I will no longer mention him in my posts unless he is crucial to whatever story I am attempting to convey.
2. I will no longer try to find out anything about his personal life (i.e. if he is dating someone.)
3. I will actively not think about him a little more each day until it become a passive function.
4. I will date other people and put myself out there because, let's face it, I'm 23 and I girls gotta have her fun sometime.
5. I will not compare any man I date to Andrew.
6. I will not date "replacement" Andrews. (i.e. guys who remind me of Andrew or remind my friends of Andrew if I am choosing to be blind to the fact.)

Let us all hope this actually works out and I find happiness within myself.  On that note...I WANT TO GO BACK TO EUROPE NOW!!!!!  I have a client at work who is going to Europe with her husband in a few weeks and she got me talking about all the places she needs to see and all the food she needs to eat and it makes me miss it so incredibly much!!  I have decided that I am going to start saving up money and I will do a study abroad in Ireland within the next two years.  This means I need to get my finances under control and that is a bit of a daunting task.  I need to fix my credit, get out of debt, or at least get it down to a manageable figure, and I need to start budgeting.  My new position at work is making this a titch easier because I did end up getting a slight raise and I have more hours per week!  Other than the recent rise in office drama that will hopefully wind down prior to my going crazy all over my co-workers, I am still completely enamored with my job. Today I had two clients come in just to say "hi" to me.  It's times like that that make me realize how lucky I am to be in a position to get women who may be having a horrible day when they sit down in my chair and be able to turn that day around with a lot of fun conversation and a jaunt through the lovely world of cosmetics.

I have started my absolute final semester at SCC and boy has it kicked off with a BANG.  Second day of my Philosophy of Sex class with Dr. Pervy-Old-Man, the professor decided to tell the class that he once thought it would be a dandy idea to have sex with the family dog at age thirteen and that he has gone to a slew of therapists throughout his life--whether or not the two events are related was not clarified, but I'm thinking the former was brought up during the latter.  I cannot even begin to explain how uncomfortable that made me.  I realize the purpose of this class is to get people to think, but that sure-as-hell wasn't an image I needed implanting itself in my subconscious.

Genny comes home for a couple of days on Wednesday so we can go see the midnight showing of "One for the Money" and, yes I do realize how very lame that makes us, but we LOVE these books.  Janet Evanovich is our favorite author and I really need her to find the elixir to life so she can at least live long enough that I don't go without reading material before my eyes fall out of my head.  Also, I am unacceptable excited about the Girl Scout cookies I ordered from the adorable little girl that came to my door.  Num, num!!  What can I say, I'm a fatty on the inside.  Speaking of, I have decided that I really need to get back into shape.  I want to be able to run for more than ten seconds and not feel like I'm sucking up a lung with each breath.  Sad as it may be, I think that will also help with my self-confidence.  I know I should be happy in my own skin, no matter how much there is of it, but I find those days to be fewer and farther in between and that is NOT ok.  So, it's high time I do something about it instead of wishing and hoping the weight just randomly decides its tired of my company and leaves of it's own doing.  I had a membership to a gym...I went once and I had it since September...pathetic, I know.

As, you can probably tell, I am in a no-holds-barred, kick-my-own-ass-into-shape-and-not-just-physically-speaking kind of mood.  It's going to work this time.  I am going to make myself a schedule.  I am going to take the dogs for a walk every day until I can start running with them.  I am going to work out on that infernal contraption in our garage. I am going to put myself on a budget. I am going to stick to my guns.  And finally, I sure as hell am going to get over Andrew and start dating again.

Yours,
The new self-improvement Barbie (aka Kerstin)

32

Happy New Year, babies!!  It is the second day of the new year and I'm hoping its going just dandy for the rest of you.  I have been sick for the last three days and that means I'm being super, SUPER whiny and needy...its good times for all involved.

Well, it's been settled.  I am going to go to ASU in the Fall...I would be going this semester, but the jerkfaces want my UA transcripts and I  keep trying to tell them they really, REALLY don't but they just won't listen.  I feel they are being stubborn and they are probably thinking the same thing about me.  I sent them my SCC transcripts...that should really be enough, but NOOOOOOO...they are being snarky.  However, they are not being snarky to my sister.  CAYLIN IS GOING TO ASU THIS SEMESTER!!!!!  I am so incredibly proud of her!! (Note: there is no sarcasm intended in that statement at all.)

In other news, I love my job and as soon as my background check clears, I get to be a Key Holder again!  I am so excited!  That means that I'll be getting more hours at least on a regular basis.  I have missed being a Key since I left Tucson and now I get to be one again.  I swear if this falls through, I may just go on a frelling rampage!  It probably won't mean that I get a raise, but I think I can deal with that considering I'm already one of the highest paid associates in the store because of Tucson.  I feel bad for my boss lady though.  She is going through so much right now that she really doesn't deserve.  She has no energy and no attention span with which to deal with anything that she has to at work.  I have been trying to help as much as possible, but until I have full access to the computer there is only so much I can do.  I am, as she calls me, the Visual Diva so I am in charge of keeping everything to schematic in the store and in the back room.  As a matter of fact, the new district manager gave me the chore to organize the back room and label everything so it has a specific place to live and everyone knows where that place is.  The only problem with that, is that she wants it done by the fifth and I have a floor set to do on Wednesday...the fourth, so when am I supposed to get this done?  I'm a touch stressed about it.

Other than that, I am a touch sad about my bestie ditching me for Mickey Mouse for eight months a WEEK FROM TOMORROW.  We haven't even had our Christmas together yet.  I need to get a few good pictures of her and I together so that I can make her her going away present.  The plan is to get her either one "friends" frame or a few of them and put our pictures in it so she can have them in her room.  And of course, I'll get her one of our favorite cards because that's just what we do.  I am going to miss her like a crazy person, but I'll be going over there for the weekend at the end of January so that'll be nice.

Other than that, Andrew is acting like he used to around me now and can actually smile at me and maintain eye contact and will voluntarily be in the same room with me now.  The only downside to this plan is that I fall for him all over again when he smiles at me...its dangerous.  I am trying to avoid Adam because he is just irritating me these days and I don't want to encourage him into thinking we are back to what we were because we NEVER will be.  He thinks he knows me and he truly doesn't.  He tries likes to tell me about Andrew just to see my reaction and he thinks he knows how I feel about it, but he definitely doesn't and he only pisses me off.

Other than that, I am reading a bunch of romance novels before bed and just got finished watching a chick flick so now I've decided that I want to marry an Irish guy and live happily ever after.

Hopefully, everything starts leaning more toward the happy side here within the next few weeks.
Loves and hopeful happiness,
K, the ever-sprightly. <3