5)

Well now...today I am feeling a bunch of emotions that are all fighting to get out.  I am attempting to only allow the happy ones out, but I don't know how long that will last.  I am not really sure what I dreamt about that would cause such an abundance of different emotions.  Honestly though, I just really hope that there aren't too many irritating and annoying people so that I may maintain my composure.  Lets all cross our fingers for that one.

I don't think I can handle clingy people right now.  I want to be able to have my own time without worrying about offending someone.  I love my friends tremendously, but I cannot spend all my time with them.  I have reclusive tendencies and some of my friends don't seem to get that.  I don't want to be the person that pushes everyone away, but I think if I didn't...i would kill people or at least be so very much more destructive.  Also, I am still trying to catch up on sleep from the Philly trip.  I need people to understand that!  The other day, one of my best friends and I had a standing lunch date after our class, but I was incredibly tired and just wanted to go home.  He decided this was the time to be super clingy.  I get that we hadn't seen eachother in five days before i met him for a mini-Denny's run the night before...but come on.  I am not nearly that interesting!  Sure, I am awesome ;-) but lets calm down a little please.

On a brighter note, I got to close with my boys last night and they were adorable and I love them!  Eugene was a super helper with the customers which was nice, because I didn't want to deal with them.  There wasn't much to do last night which was also good because I was on the verge of sleep.  Dusty and I got to chat a little bit...always a good time!  Plus, the topper, the most annoying stylist I have ever met, Ezat, didn't close last night!  It made my heart leap and prance with joy!!!!   That woman drives me nuts because she is basically incapable of learning anything new!  She expects people to do everything for her...homie don't play that game!  It is really funny because she actually thinks that the reason I don't like her is because she is foreign, Iranian to be specific.  Oh please!!! One of my closest friends since the fourth grade is Iranian!  I just have a low--very low--tolerance for stupid people.  Yes, i know I work in retail and there is an abundance of stupid people, but a lot of the time I can point out how dumb they are and they will change.  With her...she doesn't even get how dumb she is.  She refuses to listen to me when I tell her she is doing something wrong and always wants me to check with Nicki to make sure.  I have been working for this damn company for four years now!!!  I know what I am doing!

Wow...that turned into more of a rant than I had intended.  Oops.

Anyways...Amber went into the hospital again yesterday.  I am really worried about her.  Not only did she have a huge fight with her boyfriend the night before, but her knee is still trying to heal.  Poor little love!  Luckily, they released her from the hospital last night and told her to get a bunch of rest, so I let her sleep and am going to stop by and see her today after class--yes I am in class right now.  It's Geology lecture...oooooo...oh please, I am not paying attention...we are talking about ground water, not interested.

Well...I am going to read my book for the last ten minutes.  Have a loverly day and play nice with others!  I shall attempt to do the same.

4

So...it's been a while.  A few updates...
Philly was AMAZING!!!  We had so much fun! Poor Amber was sick the entire time.  She hobbled around town trying her very best not to bring the rest of us down.  She did a good job of it actually!  It was really funny because on Jasmine's birthday when we went to a dance club, Amber, the crip danced while Katie, Caylin and I sat down and people watched.  We are not club-compatible people.  I did feel bad though because on the first night, Amber got sick and Caylin and I had to take her home from the bar so she could throw up...not fun.  She didn't get the cheese steaks the other girls got the first night and ended up having to wait until the last night to get them.  It was pretty good too.  Caylin and I taught Yazzy and Amber 'bubba gump"!  It was so much fun.  In case you don't know, bubba gump is our code phrase from the second road trip to signify the spotting of an attractive male.  On a side-note...the Memphis airport is teaming with bubba gumps!  Back to Philly tales....  We went to a different bar every night...which, not gonna lie, was a freaking blast!  Katie and I ducked out of going out the last night we were there because we were both incredibly tired.  Katie passed out with great ease.  I, on the other hand, did not.  I was so tired that I couldn't sleep.  It was horrible, but I did get some of my homework done.  Jasmine's friends, Daniel, Rachel, Todd, and Nancy, who came to visit her for her birthday, were awesome.  I must admit that I liked Rachel and Daniel a lot more than the latter two.  Jasmine's roommates were awesome too!  Cole kept to himself more than Christina did, but he was nice when he chose to play with us.  We, of course, went shopping...at Ross and found some awesome things.  Caylin and I got matching purses in different colors--if ever there was doubt that we are sisters, it should now have been eradicated--Katie and I got matching jackets in different colors--they are adorable, but my buttons keep falling off--and Amber and I got matching scarves in different colors.  I know, we are weird, but, hey, we have known each other for years and years; we are bound to have similar tastes.  The plane rides were...long.  However, the first one was amazing!  Caylin, Yazzy and I sat in front of a man named--no, I am not making this up--Jim Dandy.  He is epically amazing!!!!!!!!  he was hilarious and kept making fun of his wife who was sitting on the other side of the aisle in the middle seat because nobody would switch with him.  He kept making fun of that row and us.  He stopped making fun of us when we reminded him that we were sitting in the Emergency Exit aisle and if we crashed, his life would be in our hands.  After that, he called us his "Emergency Crew" or his "Emergency Angels".  We love him(!!!) and are going to visit him and his car club in the Saint Patrick's Day Parade in Tempe!  EXCITEMENT!!!  He gave us a hug when we got off the plane.  I did feel a bit bad for Amber because she couldn't sit with us because of her gimpy knee.

One thing that did bother me on this trip, was when the girls and I got on the subject of...him.  Jasmine, apparently didn't know that he had never even kissed me.  Her reaction..."Wow. He must have really liked you."  Really, that isn't what I need to hear at this point.  I figured out already that he really liked me.  I am assuming that if he hadn't, he wouldn't have said that he loved me.  The ultimate topper...my sister said, "Yeah he did."  I wanted to cry!!!  Everything was in the past tense.  It was like the universe was rubbing it in that he probably doesn't feel the same way any more.  I, of course, had a dream about him that night.  I don't remember is all, but I remember that he showed up on my doorstep and I was living in Tucson with his older brother and my best friend, Adam--yeah, it is an awkward situation.  I hate feeling so lonely without him.  He always had this way of making me feel utterly safe with him and kind of...complete, I guess would be the word for it.  I did send him a message on Facebook--that is the only way I have to get ahold of him because he never calls me--saying thanks for giving his sister, Amber, to Philly with us and that we all appreciated it.  I signed all of our names to it.  The last night in Philly, I got a response.... It just said "welcome".  I wanted to cry.  I don't know what I was expecting, but more than that, for sure.  Alas, i just keep setting myself up for disappointment.

Other than all that, I have just been working all the time...which is really nothing to talk about.  Though, on the Wednesday before we left, some jackass stole a bunch of fragrance right as I got back from my lunch break.  I am not allowed to chase!  I was pissed!!!!!!!!!!  He was a tubbers too.  I totally could have done an open-field tackle and taken him down.  Bastard.

3)

Good mood over...

I have been totally swamped the last few days!  Work, I am convinced, is trying to make me into an arsonist...how i would love to set that place ablaze.  Sure, i like that fact that i got some extra hours...but I hated working them.  I love all the associates I work with...its some of the other managers.  Corporate has forgotten what it is like working at the store level and sets the rules and standards accordingly.  My general manager--the sheep that she is--is obsessed with trying to get on her boss's good side.  It is really annoying.  What is uber annoying about it all is that, as the main closer, all the things that don't happen during the day, fall to me to do.  Last I checked, I was not super-human and cannot do everything at once.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day...guess how much I enjoyed that (refer to post 1 if in any doubt).  I actually  broke down and cried...out of nowhere it would seem.  I don't know why I did.  I had a decent time at work, I cleaned the house for my parents (which generally has a calming effect on me), and my daddy delivered my roses--which are absolutely gorgeous--to work where I could enjoy them for a few hours before taking them home.  I had already known that it was going to be a tough day because I don't have he-who-must-not-be-named in my life right now, not really at least.  However, expecting it to be bad and actually living it were two very different things.  Frick-an-a...I broke down crying when I took out my box of yummy chocolates and they fell all over the table and I lost three to the ground.  I am not normally this emotional.  My daddy could tell that it was more than my just being frustrated as I had told him, but he didn't press me to hear every detail.  How could I put into words what I was feeling?  I miss my ex.  I love him and he isn't really in my life right now.  He doesn't talk to me, even on something as trivial as facebook.  I don't even think he thinks about me anymore.  I know I wish he did.  I wish he thought about me as much as I do him, though i doubt he does.  I just missed him yesterday so much, not that I don't miss him everyday, but yesterday especially because he was so wonderful last year.  Don't get me wrong, I had an absolute blast at Caylin's place watching "The Philadelphia Story" and drinking my "bitch beer", but I was practically on the verge of tears the entire day.

Also, Amber, one of the girls I am going to Philadelphia with on Thursday, is in the hospital.  We don't know what is wrong with her, but I guess they are saying it is some virus in her head.  It doesn't look like she is going to make it to Philly.  I am really sad about that.  It would be so much fun with her there.  Road Trip 1 girls reunited!  I sincerely hope that she gets better super fast, and not just because I want her on this trip, though, I will admit, that is a major factor.  It won't be the same without her.  If she is still in the hospital tomorrow, I am going to go visit her.

Tomorrow is going to be a really busy day...  I have to take the dog to day camp--yes, that's right, the dog goes to day camp...she loves it--then I have to go to class at nine, instead of going to lunch with Adam, best friend and ex's brother, I have to go to geology lab, then go see Amber, another best friend and sister of ex, in the hospital, go home, go to Arizona Tile Company with my parents, down to see Jasmine's mom with Caylin so we can pick up some things Jasmine needs, and then I have to go back home and do all my homework because I won't have time to do it on Wednesday because I will be packing after work.  Bah...that is a long day.

Well, that is all, I guess.  I need to go to sleep so I can function moderately well tomorrow.  I hope you all have a wonderful day!

Until next time...

2

Well...I am in quite the good mood today. It is rather strange.  Now that I have ranted a little bit, I feel so much better. I spent most of the morning stressing out a little bit over my Geology Lab test.  However...when I took the test...it was very easy!  I am pretty stoked! 

Now then, on to other things.

I am so excited to go the Philly next week!  I am kind of worried about what the weather is going to be like. I am not very tolerant of cold weather.  Jasmine has already informed us that we are to prepare ourselves for three days of drunkeness.  My sister, Caylin, and I figure that as long as Jasmine, in her drunken state, doesn't ditch the group to go play with a boy, as she is want to do, we won't have to kill her.  I love that girl till death do we part, but alas...she, um...likes the boys, a LOT!  Jasmine is so funny.  When she called me the other day, she informed me of the plan.  We are getting there the Thursday before her birthday and that is the only night she is giving us off, though I really doubt it.  The next night is her birthday so, of course, we are going out to a club. Saturday=party at her place which is apparently going to be turned into a campground.  Before we leave the following day, it is Taco Sunday.  I am so excited.

I am a little worried about the fact that I am taking four days off next week and I can't do my extra day at the apartments.  That is no going to be good.  I need the money.  I would like to move out sometime soon.  I am going to have to pay for the university if I don't get a scholarship.  I probably should start applying for those, but first...I really need to apply to the schools first though.

Hehehehe...I am such a procrastinator! Well, I am going to try and continue my good mood at work tonight, though to be honest, I am not entirely sure how possible that may be.  Till next time.

1)

Welcome to my brain.  Honestly, you will probably find out fairly soon that there are not that many things going on in my day.  All of the interesting things reside within my brain...not a place often traveled by those not living there, namely, me.

I should, technically, be studying for my Geology lab test, but this seemed the more prudent thing to do.

I suppose I should introduce you, first, to the current mental battle I am fighting.  Love.  I don't care what anybody tells you, it sucks.  This is not to say that being bitter is the way to go, but alas, it is the easier choice of the two.  I am in love with a boy though I really shouldn't be.  I try to convince myself on a daily basis that he is all wrong for me, but I always end up failing.  He is the only guy who has ever had such a complete hold over me...and I haven't even kissed him! Talk about messed up.... I have known him since the eighth grade and I have probably loved him since then.  He isn't perfect, by any means, but that doesn't stop my heart from doing cartwheels in my chest when I see him...or even just a picture of him.  We have been broken up since last April and everyday I wake up in pain because he isn't mine anymore.  I know that I will never be out of his life completely simply because his older brother and sister are two of my best friends and his parents get mad at me if they haven't seen me in over two weeks.  I think that probably makes it harder.  Everything reminds me of him.  Hearing his name, though it really isn't ever attached to him specifically, makes my stomach ache.  Seeing a picture of him...my stomach gets tied in knots and feels as though it will never loosen.  His voice still sends shivers down my spine though I rarely get to hear it because he never talks to me.

What happened between my love and I, you ask? Oh...let me tell you.  Our entire romantic relationship happened while we were in separate states. Problem number one.  The most physical contact we have had in the entire NINE years that we have know each other...three hugs, one of which probably shouldn't count because it was a car hug after our one date.  Yet, this was enough for me to fall hopelessly for him. Problem number two.  The third problem...our lack of communication skills.  This isn't to say that we didn't talk all the time because we did.  Think about those high school/middle school romances where every thing happened over the phone during three hour conversations about stupid things.  That was our relationship.  We never told the other when something was bothering us.  That isn't a good relationship!!!  I should have told him that I hated it when he would call my best friend, Genny, to ask her for advice on our relationship.  I hated that!!  If I wanted to have a three person relationship, I would have cheated on him!  I never had enough balls to tell him that I hated it when he would keep saying that he wasn't even looking at other girls.  I have trust issues as it is and with him constantly saying that he wasn't doing some thing, it always made me think that he was.  That leads me to problem four, trust issues.  For some inexplicable reason, I have a very hard time putting myself out there when it comes to guys.  I pretty much always start off a relationship thinking that the guy is going to hurt me.  With this guy, it was worse.   Because I have known him for so long, and am so close to his entire family, I know all about every bad thing he has ever done.  The fact that he never wanted to talk about his past made me think that it would only make it easier for him to revert back to it.  I was seemingly more than happy to share my every thing with him, but on some level I was holding back a very big part.  For some reason, I could never let him in entirely.  I still haven't really figured out why I am so relationship avoident.

Things seemed to be going as well as they could be in our short relationship.  We talked on the phone almost every night.  I got delicious quivers in my stomach every time he called me "babe".  He seemed to be just as addicted to me as I was to him.  Then, one day, my sister got my phone about a month and a half into the relationship.  I don't believe she ruined my relationship at all and I don't blame her even if she thinks I do.  I do, however, believe that the conversation she had with him was the catalyst for the death of this relationship, but that was mostly because of the lack of communication skills.  After the conversation between sister and boyfriend, he didn't talk to or text me for two weeks.  Hint: two weeks gives me ample time to build up a good anger and aggression because nobody was telling me what passed during the conversation and he wasn't answering my calls.  The night he decides to call me again...not a good one.  I had had a bad day already, my parents just got finished with yelling at me for talking to him still (they don't know we were together or that I love him), and he starts acting like nothing happened.  DUMB!!  Two weeks before, he had said, "there is some thing I want to tell you, but I don't want to tell you."  Naturally, this is where I start.  He was playing the avoiding game about it until I finally just plead with him to tell me.  He did.

The thing he wanted to tell me but not was that he loves me.  All function stopped within my body.  I felt like time was standing still.  Then, out of nowhere, I hear myself say, "No you don't."  What the hell is that?!  I knew I couldn't take it back and I had lost all control over my mouth even though my heart was doing a happy tap dance in my chest.  I already knew that I love him!  Why I couldn't have said that instead is, to this day, beyond my comprehension.  When we got off the phone that night, I knew deep  down that I had ruined every thing, but I held onto that glimmer of hope saying that I could fix it if we could just talk about it after I started breathing normally again.  I didn't talk to him for three days.  He didn't answer my calls--and there were quite a few--and he ignored my texts.  On the third day,  I had worked myself up into a good lather and was pissed off and telling myself that it was over.  I didn't want it to be over!  I was just bracing myself for him wanting it to be over.  So...he said that maybe we should just be friends for now and then see what happens when he is home and I agreed.

The whole bracing myself thing last all of seven hours until I laid down to go to sleep.  That was the first night I cried myself to sleep.  I spent the next three weeks of nights crying myself to sleep.  I avoided everyone because everything was too painful to bear.  I officially lost the one man I have ever loved.  We haven't remained friends.  He never calls me.  We barely talk when he is home.  He is distant and cold with me, but he tries to put on a front as though he isn't.  I can read him like a book!  He looks at me and feels pain and heartache.  I know the feeling.  I cry myself to sleep for a night or two after he leaves again because I know that it is unlikely that anything will get resolved.  I need to explain to him what happened from my point of view, but when I tried he told me that the "past was the past and he needed it like that".  That is bullshit!  The past is not the past when it has such an effect on the present!

So, you may be wondering why this is a mental battle.  Well, I am currently waging mental war against my brain/heart because I can't stop thinking about him.  I dream about him almost every night and in those dreams I get to tell him every thing and he still loves me.  Notice the lack of a connection to reality.  Logically, i know that the likelihood of this coming to pass is, to quote the e-Trade baby, "the same as the chances of getting mauled by a polar bear and a regular bear in the same day".  I really want to stop thinking about him pretty much every second of every day.  I want every thing I see to stop reminding me of him and fond memories of him.  I don't want to feel like I have to move away from my home in order to move on.  I want to move on.  I want to accept the fact that he would have to be the biggest masochistic moron to want to be with me after I broke his heart like that.  I want to stop wanting him to be a masochistic moron so badly.  I want to stop wondering what it would be like to kiss him or to cuddle with him or to feel his hand in mine.  I can't even get to thinking about the good stuff because I haven't even gone through the basics with him.  I want to stop being bitter about that. I want to believe love exists again and I want to be optimistic about it again.  I want all of this, but my brain or my heart won't let me have any.

Thank you for the rant.  I am sorry about the length.  In all likelihood, there shant be another post of this length, but I promise nothing...I did mention that this was the place for rambling.