1)

Welcome to my brain.  Honestly, you will probably find out fairly soon that there are not that many things going on in my day.  All of the interesting things reside within my brain...not a place often traveled by those not living there, namely, me.

I should, technically, be studying for my Geology lab test, but this seemed the more prudent thing to do.

I suppose I should introduce you, first, to the current mental battle I am fighting.  Love.  I don't care what anybody tells you, it sucks.  This is not to say that being bitter is the way to go, but alas, it is the easier choice of the two.  I am in love with a boy though I really shouldn't be.  I try to convince myself on a daily basis that he is all wrong for me, but I always end up failing.  He is the only guy who has ever had such a complete hold over me...and I haven't even kissed him! Talk about messed up.... I have known him since the eighth grade and I have probably loved him since then.  He isn't perfect, by any means, but that doesn't stop my heart from doing cartwheels in my chest when I see him...or even just a picture of him.  We have been broken up since last April and everyday I wake up in pain because he isn't mine anymore.  I know that I will never be out of his life completely simply because his older brother and sister are two of my best friends and his parents get mad at me if they haven't seen me in over two weeks.  I think that probably makes it harder.  Everything reminds me of him.  Hearing his name, though it really isn't ever attached to him specifically, makes my stomach ache.  Seeing a picture of him...my stomach gets tied in knots and feels as though it will never loosen.  His voice still sends shivers down my spine though I rarely get to hear it because he never talks to me.

What happened between my love and I, you ask? Oh...let me tell you.  Our entire romantic relationship happened while we were in separate states. Problem number one.  The most physical contact we have had in the entire NINE years that we have know each other...three hugs, one of which probably shouldn't count because it was a car hug after our one date.  Yet, this was enough for me to fall hopelessly for him. Problem number two.  The third problem...our lack of communication skills.  This isn't to say that we didn't talk all the time because we did.  Think about those high school/middle school romances where every thing happened over the phone during three hour conversations about stupid things.  That was our relationship.  We never told the other when something was bothering us.  That isn't a good relationship!!!  I should have told him that I hated it when he would call my best friend, Genny, to ask her for advice on our relationship.  I hated that!!  If I wanted to have a three person relationship, I would have cheated on him!  I never had enough balls to tell him that I hated it when he would keep saying that he wasn't even looking at other girls.  I have trust issues as it is and with him constantly saying that he wasn't doing some thing, it always made me think that he was.  That leads me to problem four, trust issues.  For some inexplicable reason, I have a very hard time putting myself out there when it comes to guys.  I pretty much always start off a relationship thinking that the guy is going to hurt me.  With this guy, it was worse.   Because I have known him for so long, and am so close to his entire family, I know all about every bad thing he has ever done.  The fact that he never wanted to talk about his past made me think that it would only make it easier for him to revert back to it.  I was seemingly more than happy to share my every thing with him, but on some level I was holding back a very big part.  For some reason, I could never let him in entirely.  I still haven't really figured out why I am so relationship avoident.

Things seemed to be going as well as they could be in our short relationship.  We talked on the phone almost every night.  I got delicious quivers in my stomach every time he called me "babe".  He seemed to be just as addicted to me as I was to him.  Then, one day, my sister got my phone about a month and a half into the relationship.  I don't believe she ruined my relationship at all and I don't blame her even if she thinks I do.  I do, however, believe that the conversation she had with him was the catalyst for the death of this relationship, but that was mostly because of the lack of communication skills.  After the conversation between sister and boyfriend, he didn't talk to or text me for two weeks.  Hint: two weeks gives me ample time to build up a good anger and aggression because nobody was telling me what passed during the conversation and he wasn't answering my calls.  The night he decides to call me again...not a good one.  I had had a bad day already, my parents just got finished with yelling at me for talking to him still (they don't know we were together or that I love him), and he starts acting like nothing happened.  DUMB!!  Two weeks before, he had said, "there is some thing I want to tell you, but I don't want to tell you."  Naturally, this is where I start.  He was playing the avoiding game about it until I finally just plead with him to tell me.  He did.

The thing he wanted to tell me but not was that he loves me.  All function stopped within my body.  I felt like time was standing still.  Then, out of nowhere, I hear myself say, "No you don't."  What the hell is that?!  I knew I couldn't take it back and I had lost all control over my mouth even though my heart was doing a happy tap dance in my chest.  I already knew that I love him!  Why I couldn't have said that instead is, to this day, beyond my comprehension.  When we got off the phone that night, I knew deep  down that I had ruined every thing, but I held onto that glimmer of hope saying that I could fix it if we could just talk about it after I started breathing normally again.  I didn't talk to him for three days.  He didn't answer my calls--and there were quite a few--and he ignored my texts.  On the third day,  I had worked myself up into a good lather and was pissed off and telling myself that it was over.  I didn't want it to be over!  I was just bracing myself for him wanting it to be over.  So...he said that maybe we should just be friends for now and then see what happens when he is home and I agreed.

The whole bracing myself thing last all of seven hours until I laid down to go to sleep.  That was the first night I cried myself to sleep.  I spent the next three weeks of nights crying myself to sleep.  I avoided everyone because everything was too painful to bear.  I officially lost the one man I have ever loved.  We haven't remained friends.  He never calls me.  We barely talk when he is home.  He is distant and cold with me, but he tries to put on a front as though he isn't.  I can read him like a book!  He looks at me and feels pain and heartache.  I know the feeling.  I cry myself to sleep for a night or two after he leaves again because I know that it is unlikely that anything will get resolved.  I need to explain to him what happened from my point of view, but when I tried he told me that the "past was the past and he needed it like that".  That is bullshit!  The past is not the past when it has such an effect on the present!

So, you may be wondering why this is a mental battle.  Well, I am currently waging mental war against my brain/heart because I can't stop thinking about him.  I dream about him almost every night and in those dreams I get to tell him every thing and he still loves me.  Notice the lack of a connection to reality.  Logically, i know that the likelihood of this coming to pass is, to quote the e-Trade baby, "the same as the chances of getting mauled by a polar bear and a regular bear in the same day".  I really want to stop thinking about him pretty much every second of every day.  I want every thing I see to stop reminding me of him and fond memories of him.  I don't want to feel like I have to move away from my home in order to move on.  I want to move on.  I want to accept the fact that he would have to be the biggest masochistic moron to want to be with me after I broke his heart like that.  I want to stop wanting him to be a masochistic moron so badly.  I want to stop wondering what it would be like to kiss him or to cuddle with him or to feel his hand in mine.  I can't even get to thinking about the good stuff because I haven't even gone through the basics with him.  I want to stop being bitter about that. I want to believe love exists again and I want to be optimistic about it again.  I want all of this, but my brain or my heart won't let me have any.

Thank you for the rant.  I am sorry about the length.  In all likelihood, there shant be another post of this length, but I promise nothing...I did mention that this was the place for rambling.