12

It is the last day of April.  May is literally a few hours away.  I am honestly not entirely sure how I feel about that.  I graduate with my Associates of Art in 14 days...kind of weird to think about.  I haven't gotten an acceptance letter from either U of A or ASU.  This is not to say that I am worried about either.  I have an awesome GPA and I am getting my AA which guarantees my admission to an in-state university.  I am almost completely out of my comfort zone here!  This is really weird for me!

On Wednesday,  Genny, Adam and I are going down to Tucson to look for apartments. Genny isn't going to be living with us, but she is my best friend and I want her to like where I live as much as I do.  Another reason I am taking her is because she will think to ask about the things I don't.  Plus, she is feeling left out these days because Adam and I are moving in together and that was always her and my plan.  I feel bad that I am going to be living with someone other than her for my first time out on my own.  I know that she and I would be great roommates, but I don't have the same confidence in me and Adam as roomies.  Maybe, part of that is because he is a boy and he used to (or possibly still does--though I really hope not) have a crush on me.  Another part of it, is because he is the brother of the guy I am in love with.  Perhaps, further still is that I am trying to get away from reminders of him and then I am moving in with his brother...contradicting goals, I'm sure.

I adore Adam, I really do, but I am not sure how this is going to work out.  Our basic personalities don't really match up well.  He is clingy while I despise being clung to.  We are both indecisive...not a good combo under one roof; nothing will get done.  I don't like hoping that we have incompatible schedules so that we aren't home at the same time much.  I am really worried about living with him.  I don't want what happens with Caylin and her roommates to happen to me and Adam.  He is one of my best friends.  I know we are going to fight like cats and dogs and I think I am prepared for that.  It is one of the reasons I am so adamant about getting a split-floor plan 2x2 apartment for us. At least that way, I can retreat to my half of the apartment and get away from him for a little bit. 

I would really like a place with a fitness center, but that isn't a deal breaker.  I have to have a place with a washer and dryer in the unit and it should have ceiling fans and a microwave.  Other than that, I am not too picky.  I found a few places that meet my requirements and Rachel is going to take us around to see if we can find anymore.  I am also going to have her show us around campus so that we can get a feel for it.  I really don't want my first time on campus to be orientation--which Adam said I will have to attend.

I am really bummed to be leaving my family and Genny.  I have never lived anywhere else but at home, so I am really freaking out about having my own place.  It is going to be a serious adjustment and I hope one that I can make with relative ease.  I just am terrified that I am going to fall on my ass and have to move back home.  That is something that will break me completely, especially since my failure won't just affect me, but Adam as well.  He says that we will make it work no matter what and I just wonder how.  I don't know what to do and I don't know what is going to happen.  I just hope that I will be happy in Tucson and that I can come home to see my family on a regular basis.  I hope that I find a good job that gives me lots of hours and enough money so that I can survive.  I also hope beyond reason that I will get financing for this venture and I pray that it will be in the form of grants instead of loans.  I really don't want to do loans, but if that is what it takes, then I will do what I have to do to make this happen.

I think that this experience will make me more independent.  I need to stop relying on every one else to pick up my slack.  My family has always been there for me and they have always been the ones to pick me up after every fall.  I won't have that safety net anymore.  I have to find car insurance and continue to make payments on Franny to my parents.  Since I lost my Ulta job, they told me that my payments were suspended until they were sure I could afford it.  It makes me feel like crap when I can't afford to pay them...like I couldn't this month.  I can't wait to pick up more hours here at the apartments!!!!  It is really bad when I don't even have enough juice to worry about my grades like I normally do!  I took a test in Geology lab yesterday and I haven't even given it a second thought!  NOT NORMAL!

Well...something that is normal...he is still on my brain all the time.  I even had a dream the other night that he and I were kind of together, but not openly.  He ended up getting me pregnant and then somehow tricked me into marring him in Vegas.  Then he and I had this huge fight because I said that I wanted and annulment.  I didn't want him to feel like he had to marry me just because he had gotten me pregnant.  I ended up telling him that we could be together still, but that I didn't want to be married to him.  Then I made him a deal: if he could survive living with me during the pregnancy and the first year of our child's life, then I would gladly marry him again, but either way I was going to get my annulment.  He caved eventually.  It was a very strange dream.  It wasn't the first or the latest dream I have had in which he and I were dating in secret.  I don't understand these dreams and they are seriously messing with my head.  I am worried--likely irrationally so--that he will come down to Tucson and I will have to see him because I am living with his brother.  I keep thinking that he will end up staying with me and Adam and it is terrifying me!  I don't think I could handle that.  Having him sleeping in the other room of my apartment...holy crap!!!!!!!!  Talk about messing with my head!

In yet other news, I picked up my cap and gown for graduation yesterday!!!  I even got this red cord that says that I have a GPA of 3.6-3.9!  It is exciting!!!!!  I must say though, I hate the color of the gown--bright yellow...and I mean BRIGHT yellow.  How will people pull this off?!  Picture this, if you dare, BRIGHT yellow cap and gown, dark green and yellow tassel, with a red cord...sexy, I know.  You are jealous.  Its ok, I would be too, but I already get to wear it.

That is all for now.  Send me happy thoughts so that I may become less freaked out!  PLEASE!!!!

11)

So...I have some of the best friends ever!  They make me happy.  Especially, my best friend, Genny.  She lets me bitch to her about everything and anything under the sun.  Granted her listening skills...not so great sometimes, but she is an angel otherwise.  For instance, not only is she going to be coming to my graduation in May, but she is also going to go down to Tucson with me to look for an apartment.  ANGEL!!!!!  It makes me feel really bad that we haven't been spending much time together lately.  We have just been so very busy.  I have been helping Caylin move lately--its almost done, thank goodness!  She has been working a schedule that is incongruent with mine.  Its not been fun.  My other amazing friend is, Rachel, who sent me a bunch of information regarding Tucson and I love her for it!

On to another topic.  Hmmmm...boys are weird.  I have been reconnecting with another of my "ex-boyfriends"--I put that in quotes because we never went out on a real date, but we were "together" three separate times in three years.  Ben is his name.  He is another one that never kissed me...ever.  I have known him since the fifth grade.  We were always pretty close and always super flirty, but we were also excruciatingly shy.  Now, he lives in Colorado and he started talking to me again because he and his girlfriend of three years broke up.  She was kind of a bitch, not gonna lie.  I don't even know what her name was...but I really don't like her.  Ben is my friend now.  I talked him through the break up and have talked him through many a depressed night since.  We are close again, which is nice.  He just gets kind of weird sometimes when we talk.   Pretty much every time we talk lately, we start to reminisce about the three years we were together intermittently.  He keeps saying how dumb he was to have never kissed me and I totally agree, he was dumb for that.   He also says that he hates how shy he was all the time.  We get kind of flirty sometimes, but I am not sure if he realizes it.  Don't get me wrong, I know that nothing will ever come from this.  As I keep saying, "Two broken people do not a whole make."  I like talking to him and I love being friends with him again, but nothing can happen between us.  I was just remembering the other day that in the eighth grade, you know who was in my house--basically my set of classes--and Ben was in House 6.  Ben and I started going together, I guess you can call it, though we never had an actual date because one or both of us was always in trouble.  Well, you know who decided that he was going to hate Ben and let me know all about it.  At the time, I didn't get it.  I was happy with Ben, so why pay attention to the guy who made fun of my legally blind best friend of the time, Ashley?  (Yes, that is how he and I met, he made fun of Ashley and I ripped him up onside and down the other...after that, he was the perfect gentleman around me.)

Other than that, my brain is, as always, thinking about the man who stole my heart and has yet to return it.  Ok, fine, he didn't steal it, I gave it to him, but still...and maybe I don't really want him to give it back.  I still love him.  As far as I know, he didn't cheat or lie, so I can't really justify cutting him totally out of my life.  I love him, so my heart won't let go even if he doesn't want me anymore.  I understand that I hurt him a lot when I told him he didn't love me, but he doesn't understand why I did it.  Because he never lets me explain, he may never get it.  We may never have another chance, which depresses me to no end.  I've gotta say, thus far in my experience, love sucks.  I really do wish he could understand what happened to me right before we broke up.  I also wish that he could still love me, if he ever did.  I would love to believe that he truly did love me, but the fact that he got engaged to another girl three months after we broke up keeps slapping me in the face.  His best friend, Nathan, said that he never loved her, but THEY WERE ENGAGED!!!  Who gets engaged without love?!!  It makes no sense!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So...yeah, that's what has been going through my brain these days.  I hope your brains have been calmer than mine.  Have a loverly day(s) until I get back.

10

Well...it's been a while, yet again.  I have been incredibly stressed lately.  The big stressor that was at the front of my mind most of the time was my computer class.  I thought when I signed up for it that because it was an online class, it would be easier than an in-person class.  I was wrong.  There was a ton of homework I had no interest in completing.  The tests were uber difficult.  I had no confidence that I would even be able to make a C in that class.  Well...that stress is now off my back because I sent and email to the teacher and asked him if I had at least gotten a C because I need this class to graduate...he said I got a B and was basically laughing at me via email.

Other than that, the other stress is coming from the impending move to Tucson.  I am totally freaking out about it.  I am freaking out not only because it is going to be a huge and major change--probably the biggest one I have yet to face--but I am also freaking out about it because of my family's not-so-joyous feelings about the move.  This is my choice though.  If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out.  I know my family will always let me come home if things don't work out.  I also know that they will give me crap if that ends up being the case, but that is what my family does.  It's how we show we care.  I am sick and tired of all the fights about my choice of schools.  U of A is a much better choice for my majors.  ASU...not known for its stellar History or Literature programs, which is fine.  I hold no grudges against ASU.  I have wanted to go to U of A for a few years now and so I am going to.  My sister is the most vocal and belligerent about my decision and I am done with it.  We are no longer allowed to talk about it.

To be quite honest, I am getting rather fed up with the amount of topics going on the "Do NOT Discuss...EVER" side of the list.  I can't talk to my mom about him because she practically blows a gasket every frelling time.  SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THE GUY...never even met.  It drives me up the wall.  How can you disapprove of someone so vehemently when you haven't ever met him?  It seems illogical.  I can't talk to either my parents or my sister about my impending move to Tucson.  I know they are all worried that it won't work out and that I won't be able to handle it, but knock it off.  I am 21 years old.  I think it is about time I break out on my own.  I need this.  I need this more than anything.  My house is a constant war zone these days.  Everybody is up in arms about something or another.  Most everything can be traced back to the fact that the bathroom remodel is going...nowhere fast and my sister moving back home--theoretically tomorrow, though we shall see if anything gets done.  I am tired of everyone telling me that I am not doing anything.  I am the one who is helping Caylin in any frelling way I can.  I pack up boxes, I deal with her bitching that something wasn't done right, I offer all the time I have--God forbid I want a night to do something fun, everyone acts as though I had cursed them with the plague for even suggesting it--I deal with my parents hounding me to get everything done on their schedule.  I have other things on my plate too!  Nobody even asks me if I have homework I need to be tending to!  It is bullshit!  I am living my life in the back seat and I am kind of done with it.  I just want to get my life in order.  I have things in this world that I want to do.  I have places I want to go and things I want to see.  I need to get out of Scottsdale!

Everyday, a little piece of me shuts off.  I feel like I need to be really independent right now and like I don't have anymore time to waste.  That is basically what I have been doing since I got out of high school.  I spent four years at a two-year college because it was comfortable and I was making it work.  I spent four years at a job I could barely stand because it was comfortable and they fired me for my troubles.  I am tired of being comfortable!  I need to shake the hell out of my life.  I need to get uncomfortable.  I need to take action.  So I will.

I have started looking for apartments in Tucson...there are some nice ones in my price range.  I kind of want to get a one bedroom and have Adam fend for himself because I don't know if I can handle living with him.  He drives me nuts when he gets all clingy.  I DON'T DO CLINGY!!!!!!  I just want to be left alone and not have to rely on someone else and I can't do that with a roommate.  I would probably feel really bad about doing that to him, but if it is something that will save my head from exploding, then maybe I should just do it and to hell with the consequences.  I am over living with other people. 

Plus, if I live with Adam, it will be a constant reminder of his little brother.  I can't handle that.  I need to get away from him.  I need to move on and how can I do that if I live with his older brother...can't.  Yes, I love him and yes, he is constantly in the back of my head, but I think that getting out of this city and going somewhere where I have no memories of him that these things will be muted and maybe I can have another relationship with someone new.  That would be nice.  I haven't pursued anything since he and I broke up.  Part of me always felt like I would be cheating on him if I did, which is ridiculous, I know.  He didn't have any problems moving on after we broke up, why should I?  I shouldn't and it is idiotic that I do!!!!!  Even I think it is pathetic.

I am also kind of fed up with having all the responsibility of this move ridding on me.  Adam hasn't once offered to look for a place to live, if we end up living together.  He isn't offering up any ideas about what day we can go down to Tucson to look around, see the school and find a place.  He was freaking out about it not being real enough for him.  Make it real you whiny little shit!!!!  I am feeling the same way!  Am just sitting on my ass doing nothing about it? NO!  I am being proactive!  I am looking for places to live.  I sent my high school transcripts--I still think it is dumb that the school wanted them in the first place, but whatever.  I am making plans to sit down with my parents this weekend and fill out the FAFSA forms so that I can hopefully get some financial aid, we all know I need it.  I am asking Rachel to help me with some information about Tucson, the jobs, the apartments, the school...stuff like that because she lives down there already.  I am just done with all the bullshit!

I am also super tired of this damn re-occurring dream about him.  I keep dreaming that we finally have it out and get into this huge screaming match about us.  I finally tell him I have loved him since the eighth grade and that he wasn't the only one that got hurt when we broke up.  I finally told him that I thought it was bullshit that we broke up at all when, if he really did love me than why the hell didn't he fight for me?  Why didn't he ask me why I told him he didn't really love me.  How he have not heard the desperation in my voice that night on the phone, yes the shithead told me he loved me via phone call?  BULLSHIT!!!!  I am so tired of replaying our last days over and over in my head.  It is invading my dreams.  I am already not in a happy place right now, pondering my one regret via dreamland...not helping with the pick-me-up!

In better news though, my best friend, Genny, and my uber close friend Rachel are going to be attending my graduation.  I am very excited about this fact.  Genny, as previously mentioned, was going to be in California with her family, but now the trip has been moved.  That also means that I might get to go to Coronado Island with her and her family, which would be a welcome vacation.

Other than all that, I really have nothing more to chatsie about.  I sincerely hope and truly wish that your days of late are going much better than mine have been.

9)

Well...life has basically returned to normal.  I still pine away for the one I will not have.  I still stress over tests--today was the first one for Literature and Film.  I still want to get out of Scottsdale, but not yet Arizona.  As much as it pains me to say it, I really do love this state.  Sure, its hot...all year round, but at least most of us are tanned or at least have the option to be.  I still fight with my sister over stupid things and then act as though nothing happened a few hours later.  I still worry about all the things I have no control over.  I still wonder  what might have been--for more than one topic, not just the one we all know.  I still wish desparately for things we all know I cannot have--a panda, for example. 

Some people say I am an idiot for writting in a blog where anyone can see it, but I disagree.  They say it has the incredible potential to come back and bite me in the ass one day.  Who knows? Maybe those people are right.  Honestly though, I don't really see how it can.  Pretty much everything on here is about him.  If he reads this all one day...well that will sure save me some breath.  So be it.  If this gets back to him, it gets back to him.  Congratulations Universe!  If it doesn't, well then at least it has helped me calm down a bit.  I always feel just a little bit better after I am finished with a post.  They say that writting down secrets, even if you never show it to anyone, will make you feel better.  Everybody stresses over secrects they keep locked inside and I am no exception. 

Before this, I would write down everything.  When that stopped working, I began to burn the secrets.  That helped for a while--kind of a cleansing, if you will.  However, that too ran its course.  When I saw my friend's blog, it inspired me to try it out myself because before that, I had never even considered it.  So, i tried it.  Go ahead and go back to my first post.  Read your way forward to this.  I have calmed down considerably.  It is remarkable what writting everything down has done for me.  I feel better.  No closer to forgetting him, of course, but that is probably to be expected.  I am fantastic at ruminating on things long after they have passed.  For instance, it has now been over a year since we broke up; do you think I am any closer to getting over him than I was a year ago? No? Shocker.

Another thing I have gotten off my chest today was that Adam and I have officially said that we are going to U of A to eachother.  Surprisingly, we have said it to many other people, but not once to eachother.  We have also decided that we are going to live together.  It will be easier for both of us I think.  We are best friends and we are super close--that is probably a bit redundant.  We obviously get along quite well and we know pretty much everything about the other.  There will, of course, be downsides to this.  Adam is his brother.  Don't get me wrong, I am not thinking that he will show up at Adam's and my place, but Adam can sometimes remind me of him.  It isn't anything he does conciously, mind you and he can generally see when it is happening and will try to get something else going through my head, which I love him for!  I can finally talk to Adam about his brother though.  I think that will be good.  Adam understands both of us for the most part.  He can help me work through it all.  It is difficult to predict how things will work out with Adam and I living together, but I really hope it goes well.  I need him.  He makes me feel better and he lets me rant without trying to fix it.  Plus he is really good about leaving me alone when I need it and forcing me into civilization when I need that.  I know it kind of sounds like Adam and I are in the begining stages of coupledom...we are not, nor will we ever be.  He is my best friend and I love him, but that is not the kind of love a romantic relationship is based on or the type that can transform into one that will lead to a romance between us.  It is that of two adults who know eachother's brains and how the other operates and can work well with that.  We are incredibly compatible friends, but we both know that is all we will ever be and we are good with that.  Plus, I am pretty sure he knows I am in love with his little brother and that is just not a line that can ever be crossed.

Hmmmm...what else.  Oh, Amber had her knee surgery on Friday!  She has to be in this machine for 8 hours a day that moves her knee to different angles at different speeds to work it out.  She calls it her torture device.  Her boyfriend is doting on her, though he still screws up every once and a while, but he is a boy and such things are to be expected ;-)  She walked without the use of her crutches down the hall yesterday after getting home from physical therapy.  I am very happy to see her doing so well!!  She is really lapping up all the attention...it is kinda hilarious and I love it.  Of course, I am giving her plenty of attention too.  I brought her yummy chocolates and a few movies and a book.  She is one of my closest friends!  Loves her!!!!  :-)  Hopefully, she continues to heal super, super well and fast!  Then I can focus on her mother!  Amber and Adam's mom causes me lots of worry too.  She has her fair share of medical problems.  It isn't fair that this family should go through so much!  She constantly worries about her baby boy being in Iraq--yes, him--plus she has problems with her job because they are being jerks about her missing work for medical reasons (which is total crap!).  I wish there was something more I could do to help them out.

Well...that is all I have for today.  I have to get my computer back to Adam so he can make her run like she did when I first got her six years ago.  I am excited about it!!!  Live life happily and to the fullest!!!!!

8

Welcome to April my loves. I'm sorry it has been so long. I had another entry prepared last week, but my computer didn't want to have internet at my job. It was basically just a rant about getting fired from Ulta over something as silly as missed punches.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still not entirely thrilled with it, but I think it may have been the best thing for me. It has sort of acted as a catalyst for me to get off my ass and get my life moving in a direction...any direction. I felt like I was going nowhere, accomplishing nothing and that I would never do either because I was entirely too comfortable with my life. I needed something to shake me up and get me out of that comfort zone. Getting fired...well it worked! I finally applied to the University of Arizona and Arizona State. I just need to find a way to finance U of A. That would be my first choice. I feel like I need to get out of Scottsdale to make this all work.  I also think it will help me move on...relationship wise.  Everything here reminds me of him.  I want to go somewhere new, where things don't make me think of him.  I feel bad because my parents really want me to stay at home and live there while I go to school, but everything in me is screaming that I need to get out and live my own life.  I need to get out on my own.  I need to move forward with my life and I need to do it fairly soon!!!!!

In other news, I had a mini conversation with him via Facebook messages the other day.  It wasn't really a big deal or anything life altering, but it was good to see he hasn't totally cut me out of his life--not that such an extraction would ever be possible considering my  relationship with his entire immediate family.  The reason for this mini conversation was because I had a mini blip of a dream in which he got hit my a car.  Because of the intensity of this dream and its vividness, I sent him a message to see if he was alright.  He is.  He is apparently going to Baghdad in a week or so.

Also in other news...I have been introduced to "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" via Jamie at our first girl's night in her new place.  It is hilarious and I love it.  I also have the soundtrack on my iPod...making me a very happy panda!!!  I have also finally seen all of the High School Musical movies.  Not that this is exceptionally noteworthy, but alas, I have noted it.  Don't get me wrong, I doubt i would ever buy one of these movies, but they are strangely entertaining in a "Oh my goodness...why are they doing these dance moves?" kind of way.  I probably wouldn't change the channel if the movies came on, but I have always been weird--that's why people love me.  Hmmmmmmm...what else?

OOOOOOO....theoretical living arrangements for U of A.  Adam is now going to most likely be going to U of A with me.  Amber definitely is going.  However, Amber is going to be living with her boyfriend, Jeremy.  I am not his biggest fan.  I don't hate the guy, he seems nice, but I am definitely not cheering for a marriage in the future.  She can do so much better, but she doesn't seem to see that.  It is her life and I know I don't really have any business judging her relationship so harshly, but part of me wants to punch this guy in the throat.  Anyways...I kinda wanted to live with her, but if she is moving in with him...not so much.  I could live with Adam, but I don't know if I could handle the random reminders of his brother.  Part of my purpose for leaving Scottsdale is to get away from the constant reminders of him; how can I do that when living with his family?!  probably not a feasible plan.  But hey, I love Adam to bits and pieces.  He is my best friend and he knows me really well.  I can even have a semi-comfortable conversation with him about his little brother now.  I will be sad to leave my parents and I won't get to see my other best friend nearly as much, but I think it will be worth it in the end.

Well...I think that is all I have to say for now.  Oh!  Also, I have been wondering lately why guys seem to  never realize that when the girl they love runs away (emotionally or physically) that on some level, she really wants him to chase after her.  It has been depicted in almost all television shows and romantic movies--comedy or otherwise.  Why can't the men folk just pull their heads out of their butts and get it together.  Generally speaking, she loves him too, but she is utterly terrified!  Go get her boys, she needs you to fight!  Or, you could both live with broken hearts and never know what could have been...what would have been.