9)

Well...life has basically returned to normal.  I still pine away for the one I will not have.  I still stress over tests--today was the first one for Literature and Film.  I still want to get out of Scottsdale, but not yet Arizona.  As much as it pains me to say it, I really do love this state.  Sure, its hot...all year round, but at least most of us are tanned or at least have the option to be.  I still fight with my sister over stupid things and then act as though nothing happened a few hours later.  I still worry about all the things I have no control over.  I still wonder  what might have been--for more than one topic, not just the one we all know.  I still wish desparately for things we all know I cannot have--a panda, for example. 

Some people say I am an idiot for writting in a blog where anyone can see it, but I disagree.  They say it has the incredible potential to come back and bite me in the ass one day.  Who knows? Maybe those people are right.  Honestly though, I don't really see how it can.  Pretty much everything on here is about him.  If he reads this all one day...well that will sure save me some breath.  So be it.  If this gets back to him, it gets back to him.  Congratulations Universe!  If it doesn't, well then at least it has helped me calm down a bit.  I always feel just a little bit better after I am finished with a post.  They say that writting down secrets, even if you never show it to anyone, will make you feel better.  Everybody stresses over secrects they keep locked inside and I am no exception. 

Before this, I would write down everything.  When that stopped working, I began to burn the secrets.  That helped for a while--kind of a cleansing, if you will.  However, that too ran its course.  When I saw my friend's blog, it inspired me to try it out myself because before that, I had never even considered it.  So, i tried it.  Go ahead and go back to my first post.  Read your way forward to this.  I have calmed down considerably.  It is remarkable what writting everything down has done for me.  I feel better.  No closer to forgetting him, of course, but that is probably to be expected.  I am fantastic at ruminating on things long after they have passed.  For instance, it has now been over a year since we broke up; do you think I am any closer to getting over him than I was a year ago? No? Shocker.

Another thing I have gotten off my chest today was that Adam and I have officially said that we are going to U of A to eachother.  Surprisingly, we have said it to many other people, but not once to eachother.  We have also decided that we are going to live together.  It will be easier for both of us I think.  We are best friends and we are super close--that is probably a bit redundant.  We obviously get along quite well and we know pretty much everything about the other.  There will, of course, be downsides to this.  Adam is his brother.  Don't get me wrong, I am not thinking that he will show up at Adam's and my place, but Adam can sometimes remind me of him.  It isn't anything he does conciously, mind you and he can generally see when it is happening and will try to get something else going through my head, which I love him for!  I can finally talk to Adam about his brother though.  I think that will be good.  Adam understands both of us for the most part.  He can help me work through it all.  It is difficult to predict how things will work out with Adam and I living together, but I really hope it goes well.  I need him.  He makes me feel better and he lets me rant without trying to fix it.  Plus he is really good about leaving me alone when I need it and forcing me into civilization when I need that.  I know it kind of sounds like Adam and I are in the begining stages of coupledom...we are not, nor will we ever be.  He is my best friend and I love him, but that is not the kind of love a romantic relationship is based on or the type that can transform into one that will lead to a romance between us.  It is that of two adults who know eachother's brains and how the other operates and can work well with that.  We are incredibly compatible friends, but we both know that is all we will ever be and we are good with that.  Plus, I am pretty sure he knows I am in love with his little brother and that is just not a line that can ever be crossed.

Hmmmm...what else.  Oh, Amber had her knee surgery on Friday!  She has to be in this machine for 8 hours a day that moves her knee to different angles at different speeds to work it out.  She calls it her torture device.  Her boyfriend is doting on her, though he still screws up every once and a while, but he is a boy and such things are to be expected ;-)  She walked without the use of her crutches down the hall yesterday after getting home from physical therapy.  I am very happy to see her doing so well!!  She is really lapping up all the attention...it is kinda hilarious and I love it.  Of course, I am giving her plenty of attention too.  I brought her yummy chocolates and a few movies and a book.  She is one of my closest friends!  Loves her!!!!  :-)  Hopefully, she continues to heal super, super well and fast!  Then I can focus on her mother!  Amber and Adam's mom causes me lots of worry too.  She has her fair share of medical problems.  It isn't fair that this family should go through so much!  She constantly worries about her baby boy being in Iraq--yes, him--plus she has problems with her job because they are being jerks about her missing work for medical reasons (which is total crap!).  I wish there was something more I could do to help them out.

Well...that is all I have for today.  I have to get my computer back to Adam so he can make her run like she did when I first got her six years ago.  I am excited about it!!!  Live life happily and to the fullest!!!!!