12

It is the last day of April.  May is literally a few hours away.  I am honestly not entirely sure how I feel about that.  I graduate with my Associates of Art in 14 days...kind of weird to think about.  I haven't gotten an acceptance letter from either U of A or ASU.  This is not to say that I am worried about either.  I have an awesome GPA and I am getting my AA which guarantees my admission to an in-state university.  I am almost completely out of my comfort zone here!  This is really weird for me!

On Wednesday,  Genny, Adam and I are going down to Tucson to look for apartments. Genny isn't going to be living with us, but she is my best friend and I want her to like where I live as much as I do.  Another reason I am taking her is because she will think to ask about the things I don't.  Plus, she is feeling left out these days because Adam and I are moving in together and that was always her and my plan.  I feel bad that I am going to be living with someone other than her for my first time out on my own.  I know that she and I would be great roommates, but I don't have the same confidence in me and Adam as roomies.  Maybe, part of that is because he is a boy and he used to (or possibly still does--though I really hope not) have a crush on me.  Another part of it, is because he is the brother of the guy I am in love with.  Perhaps, further still is that I am trying to get away from reminders of him and then I am moving in with his brother...contradicting goals, I'm sure.

I adore Adam, I really do, but I am not sure how this is going to work out.  Our basic personalities don't really match up well.  He is clingy while I despise being clung to.  We are both indecisive...not a good combo under one roof; nothing will get done.  I don't like hoping that we have incompatible schedules so that we aren't home at the same time much.  I am really worried about living with him.  I don't want what happens with Caylin and her roommates to happen to me and Adam.  He is one of my best friends.  I know we are going to fight like cats and dogs and I think I am prepared for that.  It is one of the reasons I am so adamant about getting a split-floor plan 2x2 apartment for us. At least that way, I can retreat to my half of the apartment and get away from him for a little bit. 

I would really like a place with a fitness center, but that isn't a deal breaker.  I have to have a place with a washer and dryer in the unit and it should have ceiling fans and a microwave.  Other than that, I am not too picky.  I found a few places that meet my requirements and Rachel is going to take us around to see if we can find anymore.  I am also going to have her show us around campus so that we can get a feel for it.  I really don't want my first time on campus to be orientation--which Adam said I will have to attend.

I am really bummed to be leaving my family and Genny.  I have never lived anywhere else but at home, so I am really freaking out about having my own place.  It is going to be a serious adjustment and I hope one that I can make with relative ease.  I just am terrified that I am going to fall on my ass and have to move back home.  That is something that will break me completely, especially since my failure won't just affect me, but Adam as well.  He says that we will make it work no matter what and I just wonder how.  I don't know what to do and I don't know what is going to happen.  I just hope that I will be happy in Tucson and that I can come home to see my family on a regular basis.  I hope that I find a good job that gives me lots of hours and enough money so that I can survive.  I also hope beyond reason that I will get financing for this venture and I pray that it will be in the form of grants instead of loans.  I really don't want to do loans, but if that is what it takes, then I will do what I have to do to make this happen.

I think that this experience will make me more independent.  I need to stop relying on every one else to pick up my slack.  My family has always been there for me and they have always been the ones to pick me up after every fall.  I won't have that safety net anymore.  I have to find car insurance and continue to make payments on Franny to my parents.  Since I lost my Ulta job, they told me that my payments were suspended until they were sure I could afford it.  It makes me feel like crap when I can't afford to pay them...like I couldn't this month.  I can't wait to pick up more hours here at the apartments!!!!  It is really bad when I don't even have enough juice to worry about my grades like I normally do!  I took a test in Geology lab yesterday and I haven't even given it a second thought!  NOT NORMAL!

Well...something that is normal...he is still on my brain all the time.  I even had a dream the other night that he and I were kind of together, but not openly.  He ended up getting me pregnant and then somehow tricked me into marring him in Vegas.  Then he and I had this huge fight because I said that I wanted and annulment.  I didn't want him to feel like he had to marry me just because he had gotten me pregnant.  I ended up telling him that we could be together still, but that I didn't want to be married to him.  Then I made him a deal: if he could survive living with me during the pregnancy and the first year of our child's life, then I would gladly marry him again, but either way I was going to get my annulment.  He caved eventually.  It was a very strange dream.  It wasn't the first or the latest dream I have had in which he and I were dating in secret.  I don't understand these dreams and they are seriously messing with my head.  I am worried--likely irrationally so--that he will come down to Tucson and I will have to see him because I am living with his brother.  I keep thinking that he will end up staying with me and Adam and it is terrifying me!  I don't think I could handle that.  Having him sleeping in the other room of my apartment...holy crap!!!!!!!!  Talk about messing with my head!

In yet other news, I picked up my cap and gown for graduation yesterday!!!  I even got this red cord that says that I have a GPA of 3.6-3.9!  It is exciting!!!!!  I must say though, I hate the color of the gown--bright yellow...and I mean BRIGHT yellow.  How will people pull this off?!  Picture this, if you dare, BRIGHT yellow cap and gown, dark green and yellow tassel, with a red cord...sexy, I know.  You are jealous.  Its ok, I would be too, but I already get to wear it.

That is all for now.  Send me happy thoughts so that I may become less freaked out!  PLEASE!!!!