10

Well...it's been a while, yet again.  I have been incredibly stressed lately.  The big stressor that was at the front of my mind most of the time was my computer class.  I thought when I signed up for it that because it was an online class, it would be easier than an in-person class.  I was wrong.  There was a ton of homework I had no interest in completing.  The tests were uber difficult.  I had no confidence that I would even be able to make a C in that class.  Well...that stress is now off my back because I sent and email to the teacher and asked him if I had at least gotten a C because I need this class to graduate...he said I got a B and was basically laughing at me via email.

Other than that, the other stress is coming from the impending move to Tucson.  I am totally freaking out about it.  I am freaking out not only because it is going to be a huge and major change--probably the biggest one I have yet to face--but I am also freaking out about it because of my family's not-so-joyous feelings about the move.  This is my choice though.  If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out.  I know my family will always let me come home if things don't work out.  I also know that they will give me crap if that ends up being the case, but that is what my family does.  It's how we show we care.  I am sick and tired of all the fights about my choice of schools.  U of A is a much better choice for my majors.  ASU...not known for its stellar History or Literature programs, which is fine.  I hold no grudges against ASU.  I have wanted to go to U of A for a few years now and so I am going to.  My sister is the most vocal and belligerent about my decision and I am done with it.  We are no longer allowed to talk about it.

To be quite honest, I am getting rather fed up with the amount of topics going on the "Do NOT Discuss...EVER" side of the list.  I can't talk to my mom about him because she practically blows a gasket every frelling time.  SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THE GUY...never even met.  It drives me up the wall.  How can you disapprove of someone so vehemently when you haven't ever met him?  It seems illogical.  I can't talk to either my parents or my sister about my impending move to Tucson.  I know they are all worried that it won't work out and that I won't be able to handle it, but knock it off.  I am 21 years old.  I think it is about time I break out on my own.  I need this.  I need this more than anything.  My house is a constant war zone these days.  Everybody is up in arms about something or another.  Most everything can be traced back to the fact that the bathroom remodel is going...nowhere fast and my sister moving back home--theoretically tomorrow, though we shall see if anything gets done.  I am tired of everyone telling me that I am not doing anything.  I am the one who is helping Caylin in any frelling way I can.  I pack up boxes, I deal with her bitching that something wasn't done right, I offer all the time I have--God forbid I want a night to do something fun, everyone acts as though I had cursed them with the plague for even suggesting it--I deal with my parents hounding me to get everything done on their schedule.  I have other things on my plate too!  Nobody even asks me if I have homework I need to be tending to!  It is bullshit!  I am living my life in the back seat and I am kind of done with it.  I just want to get my life in order.  I have things in this world that I want to do.  I have places I want to go and things I want to see.  I need to get out of Scottsdale!

Everyday, a little piece of me shuts off.  I feel like I need to be really independent right now and like I don't have anymore time to waste.  That is basically what I have been doing since I got out of high school.  I spent four years at a two-year college because it was comfortable and I was making it work.  I spent four years at a job I could barely stand because it was comfortable and they fired me for my troubles.  I am tired of being comfortable!  I need to shake the hell out of my life.  I need to get uncomfortable.  I need to take action.  So I will.

I have started looking for apartments in Tucson...there are some nice ones in my price range.  I kind of want to get a one bedroom and have Adam fend for himself because I don't know if I can handle living with him.  He drives me nuts when he gets all clingy.  I DON'T DO CLINGY!!!!!!  I just want to be left alone and not have to rely on someone else and I can't do that with a roommate.  I would probably feel really bad about doing that to him, but if it is something that will save my head from exploding, then maybe I should just do it and to hell with the consequences.  I am over living with other people. 

Plus, if I live with Adam, it will be a constant reminder of his little brother.  I can't handle that.  I need to get away from him.  I need to move on and how can I do that if I live with his older brother...can't.  Yes, I love him and yes, he is constantly in the back of my head, but I think that getting out of this city and going somewhere where I have no memories of him that these things will be muted and maybe I can have another relationship with someone new.  That would be nice.  I haven't pursued anything since he and I broke up.  Part of me always felt like I would be cheating on him if I did, which is ridiculous, I know.  He didn't have any problems moving on after we broke up, why should I?  I shouldn't and it is idiotic that I do!!!!!  Even I think it is pathetic.

I am also kind of fed up with having all the responsibility of this move ridding on me.  Adam hasn't once offered to look for a place to live, if we end up living together.  He isn't offering up any ideas about what day we can go down to Tucson to look around, see the school and find a place.  He was freaking out about it not being real enough for him.  Make it real you whiny little shit!!!!  I am feeling the same way!  Am just sitting on my ass doing nothing about it? NO!  I am being proactive!  I am looking for places to live.  I sent my high school transcripts--I still think it is dumb that the school wanted them in the first place, but whatever.  I am making plans to sit down with my parents this weekend and fill out the FAFSA forms so that I can hopefully get some financial aid, we all know I need it.  I am asking Rachel to help me with some information about Tucson, the jobs, the apartments, the school...stuff like that because she lives down there already.  I am just done with all the bullshit!

I am also super tired of this damn re-occurring dream about him.  I keep dreaming that we finally have it out and get into this huge screaming match about us.  I finally tell him I have loved him since the eighth grade and that he wasn't the only one that got hurt when we broke up.  I finally told him that I thought it was bullshit that we broke up at all when, if he really did love me than why the hell didn't he fight for me?  Why didn't he ask me why I told him he didn't really love me.  How he have not heard the desperation in my voice that night on the phone, yes the shithead told me he loved me via phone call?  BULLSHIT!!!!  I am so tired of replaying our last days over and over in my head.  It is invading my dreams.  I am already not in a happy place right now, pondering my one regret via dreamland...not helping with the pick-me-up!

In better news though, my best friend, Genny, and my uber close friend Rachel are going to be attending my graduation.  I am very excited about this fact.  Genny, as previously mentioned, was going to be in California with her family, but now the trip has been moved.  That also means that I might get to go to Coronado Island with her and her family, which would be a welcome vacation.

Other than all that, I really have nothing more to chatsie about.  I sincerely hope and truly wish that your days of late are going much better than mine have been.