17)

Honestly, nothing is going on in my life as of late.  I keep dreaming about him.  It makes me want to punch inanimate objects.  I just wish I knew how to get over him.  I wish I knew how to make it stop hurting when I find out that he has found yet another girl to care deeply about.  I am tired of watching/hearing about him moving on while I stand in one place pining away for him.  It is disgusting and pathetic!

Anyways...I am determined to have an amazing summer!  This may be my last full-ish summer in Scottsdale.  I am going to a concert next week with my friends.  I will be going bowling more often now that the group has discovered that we all like it.  Maybe we will even go mini-golfing...oh the possibilities for this summer!!!  I am also determined to start exercising again.  I miss it!  Plus I miss being able to run a mile without stopping.  I want to be active again.  I have excess energy and my thinking is that maybe if I exercise, my body will learn it's lesson and knock off the whole lack of sleep thing.  Also, I don't want to feel too self-conscious in July when I go to California with my family.  AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!  I miss my blond hair!  I need to find a way to get rid of the dye without killing my hair!  I need to save up my money and talk to Dusty, the best hair stylist ever!  I will be blond again before I move to Tucson!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Beans is coming home next week!  I am so incredibly excited.  I cannot even ponder explaining why I am so happy about this!  I love this girl tremendously!  I miss her so very much.  She is my cuddle buddy!  I am not going to have any sleep for a week, but, hey, that's what coffee is for.   SOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED!

Alrighty then, that is all.  Have an enlightening day...or try to stay awake, whichever you choose.

16

Well I just made a huge mistake.  I just looked at you know who's facebook.  He has apparently found someone else.  I don't know why I expect anything less.  He doesn't talk to me anymore.  I doubt the ass even thinks of me.  OH MY GOODNESS!!!  He makes me so angry!!!!  I make me so angry!  Why can't I just get over the jack ass?!  I don't understand what exactly is holding me to him.  All he ever does in break my heart!  I need to let him go and I need to move on!  I don't know how much more of this I can take!  Sure, I love him, very much, but no love is worth this much pain.  I need it to end.  Hopefully, I will be able to make it till August when I move away.  I don't know what will happen if I can't.  I am officially refusing to talk to him.  I will no longer look at his facebook profile.  I can't take any more of this pain.  I am barely holding back the damn tears as it is.  I don't know what to do any more.  I need to leave him behind.  I need to disconnect him from the love and obligation I feel for his family.  Just because I cannot have him in my life, or even deal with him in my life, does not mean that I cannot handle loving his family still.

In other news, I officially graduated from Scottsdale Community.  Graduation was on Friday.  It was actually quite fun.  My parents, sister, Genny, and Rachel all came to cheer me on.  It was really sweet.  I made friends with the guy who sat next to me; his name was Salvador, I think, and he graduated with a certificate of completion for the culinary college.  The ceremony itself took forever!  Salvador and I just spent the time making fun of the ridiculousness of it all.  It was obvious that all of us graduates just wanted the stupid ceremony to consist of us walking up on stage to get our diplomas and then to leave, but no.  The ceremony lasted, two to three hours.  It was ridiculous!  After the ceremony, I got to see some of my favorite teachers, Dr. Klobas and Dr. Larrey.  I cannot attempt to explain just how much I loved these teachers!!  They are totally amazing and both of them gave me huge hugs.  It was awesome!!!!  I just hope a few of the teachers at U of A can live up to the standards those two wonderful and inspiring teachers have set.

OH!!!  Adam and I have discovered that we both like to bowl!  We went on his birthday and then we went the night after graduation.  The latter occasion was Cap and Gown Bowling Night!  It was so much fun!  Granted, we only lasted one game with the caps and gowns, but still, we wore them!  Only Caylin didn't wear one...which was kind of a bummer, but that is Caylin.  I decided that the next time we go bowling, it will be pajama night!  Who doesn't like theme bowling with a bunch of friends?!  It is so much fun!  Yes, one arm and its corresponding leg hurts in the morning, but, like Mama always says, "no pain, no gain."

Hahahahahaha..."no pain, no gain".  I suppose that can be applied to the predicament I am undergoing with the man I love.  Interesting, that I would have put that statement in there without first realizing the correlation--sorry, random thought, these things happen.

That is all for now my loves.  As you can kind of see, I am actually having a pretty good life right now if you exclude him from your analysis.  In closing, some lyrics to a song I am in love with right now.

"Baby, I'm a fool who thinks it's cool to fall in love....Look me in the eye and tell me love is never based upon insanity....And I would never tell if you became a fool and fell in love."
-Melody Gardot "Baby I'm A Fool"

15)

Tomorrow is graduation.  I am no closer to figuring out the set up of the event than I was when I applied.  I don't know what the dress code is--which I realize is a silly thing to be worrying about, but I still am.  I am tempted to just wear jeans and a nice shirt.  It is just my Associates degree...  Don't get me wrong, I am very excited about getting it, but I don't think it is all that big of a deal.  Nobody in my family really cares about this anyways...they are all just humoring me.  It kind of makes me sad.  The only other people who are excited about it are the two who are graduating with me and Rachel.  I'm not going to lie, it kind of makes me sad that my family and other best friend don't care about this.

I am waiting to get my grade on the final for Literature and Film back.  I only needed ten of twenty points on it to maintain my A and I am pretty sure I got them, but I never know.  Overall, I haven't done as well as I would have liked this semester.  I only have two A's--assuming I got the ten points in Literature--and the rest were B's.  This is not something that normally happens to me.  I am the girl that feels like B's might as well be D's and C's...total failure.  I dropped my GPA by .2pts with my lack of attention to my grades this semester.  That is not alright with me!  I guess hindsight is 20/20.  Oh well, there isn't anything I can do about it now.  I just have to wait for all my grades to post so that I can send my final transcripts to U of A.  They keep asking me about my transcripts, but I sent them way back in March.  Hopefully, they will post on Friday so that I can send them out and get an acceptance letter.  I don't know what I would do if I don't get accepted.  I don't see how that would happen especially since with an Associates, I have guaranteed transfer to any in-state university and last I checked, Tucson was still in Arizona.

Let's see...other than all the school stuff, there really isn't anything going on.  Boy is dumb.  Beyond dumb, really.  He hasn't responded to my last message and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.  I am trying really hard not to be sad about it, but it isn't working out too well.  This whole love thing sucks ass so far.  I still have no idea how I would ever tell him that I love him.  As far as I can tell, I hurt him pretty bad, but who knows?  The boy has thrown me through a loop before.  I wish I knew what to expect.  As it stands now, my brain is betting against my heart that he will send me a "Happy Birthday" message in August.  Who knows, maybe things will get better by then...I doubt it, but like I said, I never know what to expect with that boy.  He makes me want to punch him in the throat, but even I know I would never be able to do it.  When it comes to him, its all about the impudent rage.  Oh well, I will get over it eventually.

Well...here is to brighter days, my lovelies.  Until next time.

14

It has been an interesting past few days.  Adam, Genny and I went to Tucson to look for apartments.  That went really well actually.  We fell in love with the first place we went.  It is wonderful!!!!  It is a two bedroom, two bathroom flat with 1258 sq ft.  It has a washer and dryer in the unit, a baby backyard, nice appliances, huge closets, a wet bar, and a kind of split floor plan--the rooms are down the hall from one another.  The second we walked into this place, I knew we should live there!  I really hope that we get approved!  We will be able to make it work, if we can get in the door.  I have to call them back in June to see if they have any pre-leasing specials for August.  I would very much like to get in the first week of August so that we can get all settled in before school starts.  That's another thing!  I haven't heard from U of A yet as to whether or not I was accepted...that is kind of freaking me out.  I need to officially know if I will have a school to go to so that I can have a place to live in the area of the school.  Makes sense, right?  I thought so too. 

OOOOOOOO!!!!  So...boy I am in love with and I have been having a mini conversation on Facebook lately.  In it, I am trying to feel him out to see if I can tell him that I have loved him since the eighth grade without him hating me.  He did call me sweetheart in one post.  I am pretty sure I have already mentioned that, but that shows just how much I am holding onto that little glimmer of hope.  Granted, his "sweetheart" comment did come after I had called him "love" in the Happy Birthday message and "honey" in the we all want a rocket launcher one.  It could have been a totally innocent response to those, but I really don't want it to be that innocent!!!!!  I want to tell him that I love him.  I want to explain why we broke up.  I want to know why he thinks we broke up.  Mostly, I just want to see him again, know he is safe and at the very least hug him.  I miss the contact high I would get every time he touched me.  It was delicious.  I don't know if you have ever experienced something like that, but it sends warm shivers down my spine and warms me down to my toes.  His voice can do the same thing to me.  I love it...when I am not busy hating it because he is back to not touching me and he doesn't ever call.  I am just happy he is keeping the Facebook message conversation going.  I did ask him if it would bother him if Adam and I moved in together when we move to Tucson.  He said it wouldn't and that I was strange for asking.  That lead us onto a whole different topic, the one in which I am trying to discover whether or not he will let me tell him what happened.  It is showing some promising signs, but, with him, I never know what is going to happen.  I told him that I "am not going to force a conversation on him that he doesn't want no matter the topic of how much it needed said."  He responded with something along the lines of, "if it need to be said than maybe it is what I need to hear," and then he asked me about the weather.  Really?!  Check the weather channel!  The boy is trying to send me to an early grave!

Other than that, I only have one more final to take before my time at SCC comes to an end.  I don't even care what I get on it.  As it stands, I have already gotten three B's this semester.  Normally, I am not alright with getting B's, but because I didn't actually want to take any of these classes, I haven't found the necessary energy to care what I get in these classes.  I was a little taken aback when I found out how poorly I did on the last Geology lecture test and that it landed me with only a B, but I don't care enough to take the final to try and get an A.  As for Literature and Film...I wasn't too impressed with that class.  I liked the reading that we did--Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and To Kill a Mockingbird--but the teaching style didn't sit well with me.  It was all group activities...I don't like working in groups.  The teacher was funny and adorable.  I liked her, just not her methods.  Anyways, I have about a seven point cushion on the final because of all the bonus points I have gotten.  They will come in handy, I think.  I am not motivated to worry about this test.  Oh well.  What happens, happens.

Until next time, my lovelies.  I hope all goes splendidly in the meantime!

13)

Last night completely sucked!  I went over to Caylin's apartment with her to help finish cleaning and let her know if I think she would pass the walk through.  Well, her former roommate and now apparent arch enemy, Chelsea, showed up.  This made Caylin's night absolutely horrible and she was acting like a bitch to Chelsea and completely ignored her.  I wasn't going to be rude when she spoke directly to me.  I answered her questions politely, but I didn't go out of my way to include her in a conversation.  Mostly, I spent the time talking to Jessica, Caylin's other former roommate, while I helped her clean her bathroom...which was filthy, by the way.  Caylin was, for some reason, in her bathroom cleaning, but I had cleaned it the day before, so I was helping Jess.  Because I was being courteous to Chelsea, Caylin got really mad at me.  She apparently felt betrayed, like I was taking Chelsea's side, which was so not the case.  I don't know Chelsea's side and I don't care too.  However, I cannot justify being a total bitch to someone while we are all in the same tiny room cleaning.  Yes, I was upset with Chelsea for not having helped at all with the extensive cleaning we did, but it's not my place to be pissed about.  I wasn't a roommate, I was just helping my sister get her money back.  Honestly, I didn't know what to do.  I was always told to be polite to people even if you don't really like them.  She was talking directly to me, so I answered her questions nicely and went back to talking to Jessica.  Caylin left in a huff to go and get face plates for the outlets that were missing one.  I asked her if she wanted me to stay and help finish clean and she said she didn't care and slammed the door behind her.  Apparently, she called my parents crying.  Well, I got a voice mail from my dad yelling at me and telling me that I yet again let my sister down.  I was officially confused.  I let my sister down by being polite and helping the roommate she likes clean her bathroom?  How is that possible?  Evidently, being courteous to the enemy while we are stuck together in the tiny bathroom, is betraying my sister.  Good to know.  I wasn't becoming best friends with Chelsea; I was barely even talking to her.  We were all laughing at things Jessica said, she is a very funny girl!

Well, when I got home, my parents yelled at me for letting Caylin down.  They didn't even let me explain.  they didn't get my side of what happened.  They just laid into me for using the frelling manners they taught me?  What the hell is that?!  Bullshit, that's what.  After being sent to my room, my dad came in to yell at me some more, but he at least let me talk and say a little bit of my side.  The more he let me talk, the less steam he seemed to have to yell at me.  I am so tired of this whole Caylin runs to mom and dad to bitch about some thing I did without even breaching the topic with me first and then my parents start WW3 with me!  They need to either get both sides of the story before blowing a gasket or butt the hell out.  Caylin needs to learn to settle her own arguments without interference from the parents.  It is really immature that she can't seem to settle anything without mom and dad stepping in, at least not with me.  She doesn't talk to me about any of her problems with me before she runs to them.  IT IS FRELLING BULLSHIT!

After my dad left my room, I got online and checked my facebook, of course.  I had a new message from him.  We have been having a mini conversation again because his birthday was on Sunday and I sent him a happy birthday message and told him to play with a rocket launcher.  I also called him love in the first message.  He said he would love to play with a rocket launcher to which I replied "honey, we all want to play with a rocket launcher," and told him that if he gets me one I would get him one.  His response was that axes and knives were fine, but if I had a rocket launcher, I would get arrested...he also called me sweetheart!  I know I am very likely making way more of that than I should reasonably be, but when I read that, my heart basically jumped out of my chest and did cartwheels on the ceiling!  Basically the second I read the word "sweetheart" in his response, my brain went to the "maybe there is a chance the love isn't dead" place.  I know that is a very dangerous place for me to go, but I couldn't stop it.  I love him so much it hurts.  I want him in my life again and I want to be with him.  I want so much for things to work out between us, it is probably driving me to insanity.  He is the only person in the world that has this kind of a hold on my brain and my heart and let's face it, my heart pretty much rules my brain.  However, with him, my brain and my heart seem to be fond allies...it isn't something I am used to.  I am, yet again, a little happier in love.  Hopefully this lasts and hopefully we keep the lines of communication opening.  I love him enough to wait for him to pull his head out of his ass and hopefully we will get to try again.  I don't want to live with the regret of this failed love for the rest of my life.  Holding it inside--that I love him--is breaking my heart.  I need to tell him, but I am terrified to.  What if he doesn't accept me?  What if it makes him hate me?  What if I lose him forever?  Well...at least he would know how I feel.  I guess that is really all I can ask for now.  I wonder how long I will be able to hold on to this "sweetheart" thing?  Hopefully, he won't kill it too quickly.

I will officially, forever love his mother!  I was talking to her on facebook, as per usual, after the fight with my parents and she made me feel so much better.  I love talking to her!  I feel bad that her own kids apparently don't talk to her as much as I do.  I keep her up to date on my life like I do with my own mom.  Her kids seem to be keeping her in the dark.  I don't know what I would do without some of her advice!  She has saved my brain quite a few times and I will always love her for that!  She is an absolute treasure and I can't believe her own children don't tell her more.  I was the one to tell her that Adam and I are moving in together and that Amber and Jeremy are going to be living together.  That is NOT alright!  I am not her child, they are.  Why was this never discussed?  Why wasn't her advice asked for?  She gives pretty good advice.  It makes me sad when I realize that not everybody has such a relationship with their parents.  I like talking to mine about anything I want.  They give good advice too.  Parents have more experience than we do...why not take advantage of that?

I hope my happy mood can be maintained for at least the rest of the day.  I also hope that you find your happy mood and hold onto it tightly! :-)