42

Well, I was just reading the intro to my last post.  Yeah...it's been quite a while since I've updated this nonsense.  I would love to give you some lame ass excuse as to why I have sucked on the blog front, but let's face it...I'm just incredibly lazy.  Telling you I've been busy living my life is a lie and we all know that.  I could legitimately say I've been reading a lot...that's true, but I've been slacking on the writing.

So...yeah...there was kissy-kissy with Andrew which was wonderful, but then he decided that was done and it stopped.  I'm not a huge fan of that plan of action, but the boy gets to make his own choices. After my first puppy died--more on that cry-worthy topic later--he  and I had a falling out because he said nothing to me and his ENTIRE household did.  I was pissed because the one guy I was kissing and talking to on a regular basis was the one guy that said nothing to me when I really needed him too.  Honestly, I was hurt, and we all know how well I handle that shit, don't we.  Basically, we stopped talking for a while after that and things went back to being weird, at best, between us.  He began the avoiding thing again, and I did the whole fine-then-I'll-just-ignore-your-dumb-ass thing again.  It seems to be my defense mechanism where he's concerned.  I don't really know how to compartmentalize my emotions when he's in the picture and that scares me.  He's like a shot of adrenaline to my system with a few doses of the happy thrown in for good measure.  The part that sucks is that after we have a fun hangout, I'm on emotional uppers when he talks to me right after that, but then, as always, he stops responding to me and then it's depression central.  I don't know how to get it under control, but I think it might be slowly driving me insane.  He likes to keep me on the hook because he knows I love him, I'm sure.  I think he still loves me too, but I may never actually know for sure because we keep dancing around each other in this sick emotional tango and I still am no closer to understanding it than I was four years ago when we broke up.  At least now we can be in the same room and not have it be a complete disaster like it used to be when the wounds were still fresh.

Also, on the kissy-kissy front...David kissed me a few weeks ago when he was in town from California visiting his family.  That was delightful.  I seem to have a thing for my friends' brothers.  There are other guys in the world, but apparently I ignore them all.  It was apparently super awkward for both of our sisters who were in attendance at the time of the kisses.  Part of me just doesn't care because I really wanted to kiss him.  I like David.  He's a great guy, not perfect, but awesome nonetheless.  He's hilarious, can cheer me up on my worst days, and understands me fairly well, which is big because that shit never happens.  I love most of our conversations--pretty much because we talk about sex most of the time.  My one issue with this whole non-relationship is just that...the non status of it.  To be fair, we are both reluctant to enter into any sort of relationship with one another because of our relationships with his sister, but he is sooooooooooo against anything even remotely smacking of a relationship with me.  I'd like to think it's not personal, but who knows.  I know he's been seriously messed up by relationships in the past, to the point where I can't even begin to understand it, but I'm not the people that messed him up.  I have my own bundle of issues he tries to understand, but I don't know if he truly does.  Because our sisters give me crap about it every time we are all in the same room, I finally asked Katie about it.  She said she just wants to see us both happy, but because she views me as a little sister and he is her big brother, the whole kissing episode was a bit weird for her.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't see her point of view.  Everything is just so difficult with this whole non-relationship.  He doesn't want me to get attached, but he wants to screw my brains out--a plan I am not totally opposed to.  I don't want to get attached either, but it is for entirely different reasons.  I am scared that if I do anything even remotely sexual with him that I will start getting more emotionally invested than I already am.  It's fairly easy to hide the attachment from David because we always have our conversations via text and he can interpret everything I say through his own filter in whatever way is most convenient for him.  We don't go any deeper than sex talk and the basic social niceties in our conversations and that can get kind of frustrating.  We'll talk everyday, all day for a week or so, and then abruptly stop until he wants to talk some more.  I am not going to beg for more than that.  He's made it abundantly clear he really only wants sex from me and I wouldn't mind that from him either, but I know that I wouldn't be able to keep my emotions out of it and that would ruin everything.  So now, my goal is to simply stay friends and try to avoid getting in deeper than I already am.  Again, being a virgin ruins things for me all the damn time.  I sometimes wish I could just get rid of it and not care, but I know it means too much to just throw away on someone who won't appreciate it.  I know David would, but I also know I can't separate the emotion from it and that would send him running for the hills and ruin our friendship.

I apparently started this post a few months ago and things have CHANGED...  On the David front, I went out to see him back in March for a few days.  I should have known that our conversations would leave me wanting him a whole big bunch, but I was a titch naive and told him nothing would happen between us other than some light fondling.  What a load of crap that ended up being!!  We had sex about five times the first night I was there.  I have no self-control...it's a problem.  However, remember all that worrying I was doing about getting all attached and gross with him if we were to have sex?  Yeah, that definitely didn't happen.  The sex was great and I'd love to have more of it...probably not with him though because he got weird.  However, after spending a few days with him I have come to realize a few things.  1) I really like morning sex and cuddling....A LOT! 2) David and I are incredibly incompatible.  Yeah, we are both broken, but it's in completely different ways.  I want love and relationships that may end up breaking my heart, but I know that if I don't take the risk, I'll end up alone and bitter and that's definitely NOT on my Bucket List.  He has taken the opposite course after his broken hearts.  He wants to be bitter and cynical and unattached for now, but every now and then you can catch a hint of longing when he talks about his sister's impending nuptials.  I want someone who isn't afraid to love back with everything they have, but can still be an independent person.  I want someone who thinks I am worth risking it all for and I want someone who compels the same risks from me.  Don't get me wrong, I definitely don't regret David being my first.  Like I said, the sex was great, but that's all it was for us.  The only time we were close, was when we were fooling around in bed.  He was great with me and I'm happy it happened.  My only wish is that things hadn't gotten so weird the last day.  Like I said, the first night=sex five times and a whole big bunch of orgasms...the boy has great hands.  The next day when we woke up, we went at it again a couple of times, took a shower and then went to the Redwoods.  That night, we played Scrabble with his roommates--who I LOVE!--and then I went to bed while he hung out for a little longer.  I was understandable exhausted and he had kind of pissed me off a little bit with his jerky tendencies that night, so no sex.  The next day, woke up with more sex and then exploring San Francisco   That night I hung out with his roommates and watched movies while he went to bed early so again, there was no sex.  My last day there...we slept, no cuddling in the morning-which was generally a precursor to sex, which I was looking forward to--no sex, barely any conversation, packing, and then a drive to the airport.  When he dropped me off, he gave me a kiss on my neck and said I was welcome back anytime.  I felt weird about it and text him later to ask about it to which he replied that he wasn't being weird, but he was sorry I thought he was and that it was probably just in my head.  We haven't talked since except when I asked him about the wine we had on night 1--Gurner Veltiner...go get some.  I don't know why he pulled back so much, but whatever, I don't want a relationship with him, I just wanted a bit more fun.  The only downside to this whole sex thing is that even though I had my period--yes, over-share, I know, you'll be fine--I have been paranoid about being pregnant.  No, I don't know why.  No, I haven't talked to him about it, although I was thinking about doing that on April Fool's Day, but I thought that was a sure-fire way to get a cosmic bitch slap and end up preggers.  I've only talked to a few people about it and one of them was a total mistake to tell because now Adam keeps asking me about it, but I was emotional and crazy...I can't be held accountable for such a mistake.  Oh well...

Anyways...enough procrastinating for me today.  I have to go write my papers which were due a week or more ago.  Writers block is a heartless bitch and has had her nasty ass talons in me all semester.  I WANT MY MOJO BACK!!!!

De-flowered and pissed (entirely unrelated attributes),
K

41)

Holy crap balls!! I have such news for you! As we all know, I'm devastatingly and hopelessly in love with Andrew. Well...he kissed me last night (Wednesday). It was the strangest thing ever. By strange, I mean random and AMAZING!
He called me last night around 11:30 to come pick him and Nate up because his car ran out of gas. So I did. After we got the gas, I left straight away and went back home. In hindsight, I should have stayed to make sure that worked because I got another call asking me to just take them home. Of course I did, because I like to test to see if my nice side still works. Andrew said I had to go in to hang out for a little bit and have a glass of wine, so I did. I ended up having two glasses of yummy wine and then we all went outside so the boys could smoke their cancer sticks. We spent about three hours talking about nothing and everything all at the same time. Nate and I made fun of Andrew because he has those silly tosie shoes. Then Andrew was about to tell me something his brother had told him but then decided not to so as not to rat his brother out (screw that, just rat him out!). Nate went inside and I stood up to go look for a bottle of water and Andrew got up too. He said something along the lines of "see if this will help you understand" and then he just grabbed me and kissed me. We hugged-my brain was suddenly out of commission so I don't really know what all happened at this point- and then Nate came back outside. I went inside for the water and Andrew followed me into the back room.
Here's where things get really interesting. He kept saying how shy he is. He also said something along the lines of "since we met, you've been a focal point in my life". He told me how he came to a bunch of the badminton games just to see me and that I should think about what that means. Well, HEEEEELLLLLLOOOOOO...my brain vacated my damn body the moment his lips touched mine. I'd love to go with this meaning he still loves me, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I need to find out if he just did it because he was drunk, or what. When Nate was around after Andrew kissed me, Andrew started talking about some other girl and was being all kinds of cryptic about it. That's when I said goodnight and went home. I sent him a message on Facebook that said, "So...you kissed me last night. Thoughts? Reactions?"
Any who...that's my amazing news! I hope all of you have amazing news too!
Confused and excited,
K

40

Hey, hey beauties.  For starters...we should all be kind of proud of me.  I haven't killed anyone since my last post.  It was getting kind of sketchy there for a bit, but I pooled all my self-control and managed not to succumb.

Funny story...well my sister thought it was hilarious at least.  So I fell down a few stairs last week...literally a week ago from today, and I hit me knee on either one of the steps or the ground I was trying to reach safely.  Since that day, my snarky knee has been hurting and maintained a swollen status.  The pain is getting worse and I think I may have just gotten used to the whole swollen thing because I think it's been getting better, but apparently I am the only one who feels that way.  I HATE my doctor's office.  It's like they compiled all the little shits just out of med school and put them in one office to piss me off and give me no help.  The receptionists are even little ass holes.  They just told me to go to urgent care because they would have to send me for x-rays anyway...there is an x-ray place right-fucking-below them, but I should go to Urgent Care or the ER so i can sit around for three freaking hours for them to tell me to ice it and schedule an appointment with my primary care physician...I'm going to go ahead and pass on that one, but thanks.  How did I manage to fall, you ask?  Here's the thing...I have weak ankles and they like to roll out from under me every once and a while, generally not while I am on stairs, but apparently they thought it would be fun to mix it up this Independence Day.  I am not the type of person who rolls down stairs when I fall.  No, no...one leg goes out straight in front of me while the one with the rolling ankle went underneath me.  I'm pretty sure i did some semblance of the splits...thank goodness I was wearing pants and not a skirt because that could have gotten awkward pretty fast.  This episode also took place at the mall in which I work.  I was incredibly lucky to have gotten the opening shift that day and that none of the geriatric walkers were out and about on that particular morning.  Nobody was around, in fact, to witness this embarrassing moment of my life, but I'm sure it'll happen again when more people are around.  I probably should have just gone to the ER as my mother suggested the following day, but I generally bounce back from injury rather quickly and I super dislike hospitals...or any medical building really.  Perhaps it stems from an irrational fear that the evil doctors will jump out at me and give me a shot with the biggest needle they can find.  And now you all think I'm a nut job...I don't blame you, but know this: I HATE needles and I'm not particularly fond of the people wielding them either.  Aaaannny hoodle, because I feel like my knee looks kinda strange I have decided that I a just going to suck it up and make an appointment with my stupy-poopy doctors and be done with it.


That's what has been plaguing me the most as of late, but we all know boys do the same damn thing to me too.  So I haven't heard from either guy for a WHILE now and it was slowly driving me crazy.  The fact that I dream about Andrew often tempered that one a bit, but the other one has been incognito for THREE weeks now and I hate it.  I am over the addiction to our conversations, but I still miss him.  Because I am so damn proud, I have basically refused to be the first one to talk to him.  Our last conversation was stupid anyway and it's like pulling teeth to get him to try having a normal conversation, so I think it's better if I just let him decide when he wants to talk to me instead of basically begging for what ever conversation scraps he throws my way (Yes, I'm being melodramatic and completely overstating the situation, but it's my blog so it's allowed).


Other than those little treasures that have been plaguing my days, life seems to be doing pretty well.  I am so freaking excited because in two weeks I get to not only go to California with Caylin and our next door neighbor, Cole, but best friend is going to spend two of the three days we are in San Diego with us!!  We are taking Cole to Sea World, the beach and the aquarium.  It's going to be awesome.  And then, about three weeks after that, I am going out to Anaheim to get bestie and bring her home!  She is planning all of the things we are going to do while I'm there for a week.  There is a suspicious lack of packing involved in these plans which makes me laugh because I know all of this packing is going to get done at about two in the morning while we are drinking the night before she has to be out of there.  It's going to be AWESOME!  Packing while tipsy...I highly recommend it.  It makes it a much less arduous affair and that is always a good thing. :-)


I am going to go buy more of my school books for this semester, so I guess I should go.  I know, I'm sad to say goodbye too.  Just know you are loved...not necessarily by me, but you are.


That's all for now,
K

39)

Dear men in my life,
I don't understand you and I wish I could simply give up on trying, but that seems to be an impossible feat. Why is it so incredibly difficult for you to see that all I really want is a conversation every once and a while. I just want to know that you think of me from time to time. I want to feel wanted...to feel cherished, but neither one of you seem to be able to do that. Isn't it pathetic? Here I sit wishing either of you would talk to me...shockingly, not so much Andrew right now as the other. I swear I tried to stay unattached, but his personality made that impossible. It's not like I've fallen for him, but I can't even attempt to convey how much I just miss talking to him. Just joking around. Yeah, I miss the sex talks too...those were fun, but mostly, just the everyday kind of talk we used to do. This guy has turned my heart or brain in knots and I can't seem to untangle them. He's a great guy, but how am I supposed to just accept that he doesn't seem to want me anymore after telling me he's wanted me since high school? That's not fair. I wish I could be as unaffected by his absence and his apparent reticence to even attempt to maintain a conversation with me as he is, but I'm not. I want it back. I don't know what i'm going to do about him, but i'll try to keep this updated.
In closing, boys...you are dumb and its hurting me now, so just give me a little clarification and we can all go home happier people.
Sincerely,
Saddened and Lonely K

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38

Hia kiddos!  I sure hope your life hasn't been too boring in my absence. (Yes, that was sarcasm. No, I don't give myself that much credit.  To assume that I am your soul source of entertainment would be ridiculous...and make you look really pathetic, which I'm sure you're not.)

What have I been up to since my last post?  Hmmm...well I failed some classes at SCC, and by fail I mean I got a C and a D, the other two were As, so we're good.  I figured that since ASU didn't actually need the transcripts for that last semester and I really didn't want to go to those classes, who cares, right?  Yeah, that'll probably come back to bit me in the ass.  Until that happens...moving on.  I did get my id for ASU...I look like crap, oh well, only hundreds of people are likely to see it.  Here's what keeps me from "accidentally" losing it and going to get another one...that crappy, Crappy, CRAPPY picture is going to make me look really good in person.  DAY SAVED BY LOGIC!  Let's see...what else?  I keep losing track of where I was planning on going with this.  Obviously, the new plan is just to spew every thought I have while I write this.

Boy news:  There are two, well there where when I started this a week and a half ago.  Now, I'm pretty sure there aren't any.  Of course I still love Andrew, but that isn't going any where any time soon.  We had fun in Vegas together for his sister's wedding though.  We held hands which he later apologized for...I thought it was hilarious and frustrating all at the same time, but those are normally my emotions concerning all of our interactions.  He grabbed my ass at one point...didn't apologize for that one.  Interesting boy.  He'll apologize for the cute stuff, but for the inappropriate, nope.  Not gonna happen.  One of these days I will find out that boy's thought process.  The other one is/was my friend's brother (apparently, crushing on my friend's brothers is my thing).  He's a great guy honestly, but he also lives in California.  We did the whole "I like you, well that's funny because I like you too" thing about three weeks ago.  Since then, we talked everyday, basically all day until about four days ago when Operation Silence commenced.  It's his thing.  I don't know why we aren't talking right now and part of me doesn't care--that part is named Pride, she's kind of a huge bitch--but another part is 1) super curious and 2) a little upset by it.  What does this mean?  I have no idea.  If this is his way of calling whatever it was that we were doing off, then ok, but I'd appreciate a little notice.  If he needs a little time to sort his shit out, again, totally cool with that plan, but just say so.  Seriously, what is it with the male population I've had the pleasure of dealing with and their insistence that Operation Incognito is a good plan when dealing with a woman/girl/lady?  Guys...it's a super shitty plan; please concoct a new one, thanks.  Because my pride is a super righteous ass hole these days, my plan seems to be just to wait it out and if he decided to grace me with his conversations soon, awesome.  If not, well that's unfortunate, but I'll deal with it.  He was the one who said not to get attached, so I didn't get attached...well no more than I had been before.  He is one of my friend's big brother...so attachment happens, but only in a friendly sort of way.  I just miss the playfulness of our conversations, but, again, I'll deal.  I'll just read more.  There problem solved...kinda. ;-)  He said we can't have a relationship and I agreed, because, well, we really can't.  He lives super far and isn't planning on moving back any time soon and I would never ask him to, nor would I move for a prospective relationship.  **NOTE: If I ever do move for a prospective relationship, smack me upside the head until the realization of my stupidity sinks in.  Thank you.**  I would love to be the girl he needs me to be, but while I am a virgin and don't actually know what will happen emotionally when I do FINALLY have sex, I do know that I will not be able to keep emotions out of the equation.  I cannot compartmentalize my emotions so I could just keep the emotions in the sack...not happening and that's what he says he wants.  I totally get that he is probably afraid of committed relationships because of a super crappy relationship history, however, we weren't talking committed anything...just play.

On a side note, what is it with guys and wanting naked/topless pictures?  I am so not the girl to ask for this.  I have seen the dangers of this in person to a few of my friends and some of my friend's exes...not happening to me, thank you.  Do you really think these guys delete the pictures when you break up?  Nope.  What happens if their friends/family is going through their phone?  I'm gonna pass, thanks.  Use your imagination and jerk off to that or, better yet, they make porn for a reason kids...don't waste it.  Watch all those people do the things I won't let you and stop asking.  Also, talking dirty...not a skill I really know how to use.  I enjoy hearing it, but come on...I'm a virgin, what experience do I have to go on here?  Give me a pen and paper and I will write you a fairly explicit story, but that whole in the moment thing...my attempts are probably laughable...my subconscious sure got one hell of a kick out of it.  Call me a prude if you want, but I get super embarrassed so all of my dirty talk attempts...are epic fails.  Yeah, I know what turns me on, but expressing it is a whole different story.  Again...my virginity sucks sometimes.  I will wear it like the badge of honor everyone seems to think it is, but that is soooooo not how I see it.  I get it, don't just randomly sleep with the first dick you meet in a bar--hehehe, yes, that pun was intended. you missed it? go back and read it again...--but the few guys, ok, two, I actually want to not sleep with are nowhere to be found.  **Keep in mind I am not including the few celebrities my clothes would literally fall off for...that number would go up...a bit.**

I got a bit off track there.  I was shocked too.  Related to the school update above, I am taking five classes in the fall.  I am pretty excited about it.  However, I went ahead and threw a wrench into the mix because I signed up for a class that STARTS at 7:30am...that's in the MORNING for those slow kids in the back who missed that.  Anyone who has ever had the pleasure of attempting to talk to me in the morning knows how super pleasant (<=sarcasm) I am.  My day should never start before 7:30am...that's when I get up to take a shower...well that's when my alarm goes off, my getting up at the time is in no way directly related to that event.  I have about 15 minutes in between each class and with the way I walk, this doesn't seem like it'll be an issue, but I am going to be sweaty and gross during the summer months...meaning until finals week.  Also, the book lists for these classes makes me weep!  The 7:30 class is the only one that has only one book so I can't drop it now...not that I was going to.  The next lowest is three, then five, six and finally, nine.  REALLY PEOPLE?! NINE BOOKS FOR ONE CLASS?! WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH? I am a fairly nice person and that seems excessive, but I can't get too mad about that one...it's for an Arthurian Literature class *insert freakishly excited dance here* The only thing I can think of when I see my book list for my classes is, "Holy shit, I am going to have to write a bunch of papers.  I bet my teachers will all get together and make them due on the same day just to fuck with me.... Those rat bastards."  I am so excited to be that teacher!!!

Back to boy news. I started this post yesterday and got a little more wordy than I'd intended so I didn't get to finish.  Because I super enjoy contradicting myself a few hours after making a decision, I text guy#2 last night and started a conversation with "It's been a while" with an undertone of "WHY THE FUCK HAVEN'T YOU BEEN TALKING TO ME AFTER YOU  GOT ME ALL ADDICTED TO YOU SCINTILLATING CONVERSATION?!"  So now we are talking again.  It's not super playful, but at least it's a conversation and that's all I need right now.  I also saw Andrew last night and his best friend Nate.  I hid their shoes because they left them out.  Nate left his right in front of the door and that's just impolite and I didn't want him to feel picked on so I hid Andrew's too... hehehe Mom helped and it was awesome.  Andrew is doing that thing where he can't really be in the same room as me for long periods of time and barely says anything to me, but whatever.  The boy still gets up when I tell him to and gives me a hug when I leave even though he has said several times that he won't do that anymore. BWAHAHAHAHAHA...I win.

Alright kiddos, I'm sure you have just about gotten your fill of my snarky ass, so I will leave you for the time being.  Enjoy your life.  I hope it's filled with naps and a lack of stupidity.

37)

This one is going to start out a little...well a lot sad, and then you will probably start yelling at me to pull my head out of my ass.  I'm going to go ahead and tell you to brace yourselves now...it isn't going to happen, so try to keep it down or the neighbors are going to get upset.

Alrighty, so the sad news is that my wonderful boss lost her baby the other day.  She was due in about four months, but last week she started leaking amniotic fluid and the doctors put her on bed rest.  Here's the thing about my dearest Kimmy-kins...her+bed rest=lots and lots of stress because she hates being stagnant. Well, the thing about the baby-making process is that stress isn't such a great thing.  Unfortunately, she started bleeding the other day and the doctors sent her home because there was nothing they could do, but then she started bleeding the next day again.  She sent us a text that said "I'm in labor now it's too soon for the baby to survive."  What do you say to that?!  I wanted to just cry for her.  She just started getting excited about this baby and then he was taken from her four months before she ever got to see him.  I'm sure it would have been so much more difficult for her if he had been carried to full term only for her to loose him then.  Now she says she is coming back to work next week and we are all super concerned.  I mean, I get it, she probably doesn't want to be left alone with her thoughts for too long and work will definitely take her mind off that.  However, she JUST lost a baby and I can't help to think that she isn't dealing with things that she needs to deal with.  I wish there were some way to help her, but I know there is nothing I can say that will take the pain away.  We have decided to just try and make work the best place in the world for her and we are going to try and make sure she knows we would do just about anything for her.

So that was the sad news.  I know, I want to cry too and it has nothing to do with the alcohol I am currently consuming.  Now onto the part that requires surgery that would remove my head from my ass.  Guess what the subject is.  Andrew?  How did you know?!  I'm that obvious?  How pathetic.  Aaaaannnndddd....I'm over it.  Yup, you guessed, I still love everything about him.  I have no idea if he's still dating that girl, but honestly, the mood I'm in right now, I just don't give a shit.  I would still screw him and say come what may.  All I am actually asking for here is just a kiss.  I really don't think that's too much to ask for.  I mean seriously, he smiles at me and I MELT like ice cream on the summer sidewalk.  He just keeps looking at me like he wants to slam me up against a wall and have his way with me, which, for the record, I am beyond ok with.  At his sister's bridal shower this last Saturday, I was basically holding a baby the entire time and he kept staring at me with a smile or strange look on his face.  If ever there were a time for those telepathic powers to kick in, that was it, but no.  I am left with far too much to ponder and way too much time in which to do so.  I  don't know if he still has as strong of feelings for me as I do him, but that is the question I really, REALLY want answered.  Of course, I still love him very much.  Most of my spare time and dreams/fantasies are about him, which just goes to show how incredibly pathetic I really am.  I can't stop thinking about him.  I try so hard and it never works.  I know I promised to keep him out of my thoughts and dreams, but we all knew I would be a big fatty failure face on that one.  I had to drop off a movie for Adam tonight so he could copy it and I just kept hoping that I would get to see Andrew all damn day.  Its really gross, but I just can't help it.  How do you fall out of love when you don't even know how you fell in love in the first place?! Am i just doomed to dream about him until the day I die?  I think that would be WILDLY unfair....  Tonight, I did a freaking happy dance just because his car was outside his house when I got there.  Then he started messing with me and I swear, I almost shat myself, I was so happy.  Yes, shitting yourself, is now a sign of true love...take notes.  I don't think I want to lose this feeling.  It's too amazing.  It keeps me smiling like and idiot even if it drives me batshit crazy...the good far outweighs the bad here.  I just want a taste...just one...unless that isn't enough, then I will probably get super greedy, but let's cross that bridge if we ever get to it--please let me get to it.

In news that will probably be music to your ears...well eyes.  I am going to start seeing a therapist.  I think it will be good for me if only to talk to someone who is totally unbiased.  I know I need help keeping my emotions in check because I can't keep having these crazy ass mood swings.  I feel like maybe if I just talk to some random third party about every thing that is bouncing around in my brain maybe it won't make me feel so freaking bonkers.  I know this is a long shot, but it is way better than sitting about with my thumb up my bum--yeah I went Canadian on you there, eh.

Other than that stuff, my life is actually pretty boring....Oh!  I did get into ASU for this upcoming Fall, so that is super exciting.  I just have to call them to make sure because I haven't gotten my letter yet and that is FREAKING me out.  Just another thing to go over with certified specialist with.  Not that this doesn't help, but let's face it, you kids are not here to actually help.  You are here because some of the shit that you read is somewhat amusing.  Don't worry, I won't quit my day job just yet....  This is the only place I can spew and not care if you guys judge me.  I am fully aware that it is very likely happening as I type this, but I have no proof and that keeps me happy.

Your true blonde,
K

36

WARNING: This post is going to start with a total over-share.  If that make you uncomfortable...you've probably been feeling that way for a while now and should be used to it so keep reading anyway.  Conflict, even interior conflict, build character.  That's right, I'm telling you to go out there and get in people's faces when they piss you off and don't back down.

Anyways...I just though I'd mention how different this period has been for me, in an unsettling way.  Normally, my emotions aren't in the shitter all the frelling time when the red tide's-a-runnin', but this time, it's like I'm on downers with anger issues the entire time.  I quite literally had to stop myself from punching one of the girls at work last night.  I was THIS close--ok you can't see, but my fingers are super close together over here.  Keep in mind, I already don't like this girl, but I love my job and pretty much everything about it, but yesterday, I wanted to break down and cry.  That's exactly what I did do when I was talking to my parents about it when I finally got home last night.  My mother made me take a super hot bath with music and lots of wine so I would calm down.

Also, my plethora of romance novels I've been reading lately are actually starting to make me feel better about my whole being a virgin thing.  However, the one I just finished reading made me a little scared to finally have sex.  The heroine--that's right, she's my hero in all these books, take it--got pregnant after having sex once when she'd waited until she was 26 to finally give it up.  I mean really...what's that about.  So not fair. Breath, yes I know these are fictional characters, but I know this happens.  It's not like they didn't used a fictional condom in they're fictional sex-fest--I'm making it sound way more juicy than it actually was.  Note: do not fall asleep with a guy still inside you even if he has a condom...my book says you're gonna get knocked up.

In related news...I'm slipping a little on the Andrew front. It's not on purpose!  The other week I was having a bad day and that's generally when I want to see him anyway because for some asinine reason he makes me feel better just by being there.  Don't ask me why, but he does..he's my tranquilizer and I really, REALLY needed it that day.  I was out driving--I don't even remember where too--and it took everything I had in me not to go to his house hoping he was there and just launch myself into his arms as if his holding me would solve all my problems when we all know it would only create more than I have time to deal with.  However, this seemed like a super awesome plan in my hormone addled brain at the time.  Don't worry, I resisted.  Since then, it's gotten a little better, but I still want to see him.  I really need closure and I really, REALLY need people to stop saying that the whole he avoids all contact, physical or otherwise, one visit and the next he make an effort to talk to me and smile and make eye contact means that he still has feelings for me.  I'll tell you what, if someone, and I really don't care who it is at this point, can tell me without a doubt that he still loves me and wants me, I will go straight to his house and plant a big kiss on him immediately following that revelation.  I am still trying to make a conscious effort to keep him out of my brain, but there are times when i just can't seem to win and he is always there--not physically, of course, but mentally the bastard won't leave me alone.  I know I can't actually blame Andrew for my brain/heart's reluctance to let him go, but it's not like I want to take the responsibility.  I have accepted that I will forever love him and that he will forever hold a piece of me, but I have also tried to accept that I need to move on and let him go with whatever piece of me he unknowingly holds.  I also know that should he ever read the words in these posts about him, I might just expire on the spot as though someone shot me point blank, but part of me really kinda hopes he does one day...preferably when I'm on another continent...

Why can't life be like the movies?  Most people get a happy ending one way or the other unless you're watching those independent films...or foreign films.  Other countries have it right when they make their films.  They aren't concerned with coddling the population.  They tell it like it is.  There are no happy endings in life.  That wouldn't be life.  The only people who actually have a good go of it are the liars and cheats and you have to figure they are dealing with some major stress trying to keep all their stories straight and worrying about what's going to happen next.  News flash: THERE ARE NO HAPPY ENDINGS, KIDS.  SUCK IT UP AND MOVE THE HELL ON.  Just put one foot in front of the other and eventually you can just call it a day.

Cynical in Scottsdale,
K

35)

Ok, here's the thing about me you have probably already gathered, but I'm gonna tell you anyway...I constantly make bad life decisions and then feel little to no remorse about them.  In fact, even as I am typing this, I am making one and I can't seem to convince myself to stop.  This may warrant some serious psychological help...

What is my current bad choice you ask?  Well, do you remember Matt from Tucson?  Yeah, that's the one.  I was struck by a wild hair while doing my homework this evening and texted him. Now we are talking...well, flirting, and I really don't want to stop.  Now, before you say anything (!) he is 1) not an Andrew wanna-be and 2) I am a little lonely and in need of a good flirt...he takes care of that.  Plus, he's not seeing anyone and is more than willing to let go of our less than pleasant non-break-up.  I am trying to convince him to give me his dog...so cute.  He is a nice guy and, honestly, I miss him.  Not in a "I just miss flirting" kind of way, but I actually miss him.  He was always so nice and funny and sweet and I miss that.  Plus he's super fun.

Anyways...let's go ahead and move on from my likely, very serious lapse in judgement.  I went to Flagstaff this past Sunday with Caylin and all five dogs to frolic in the snow and do the fat girl's version of a hike which basically consists of romping through a meadow with mostly even surface.  There was still some snow up there though, so Caylin and I had a snowball fight.  Carina, her boxer mix, and Maddie, my golden retriever, thought we were playing ball and kept trying to catch it.  It was so cute.  Bubba, Caylin's pit bull mix, only had a few spurts of craziness in which he ran around playing with the other pups who were only too happy to chase him about.  Bonnie, her red doberman mix, was a titch of a trouble maker.  She kept wandering off, just so pleased that she was off her leash and felt entitled to not pay attention.  Lulu, my great dane, she was so freaking cute!  She just kept wandering around, eager to play and explore, but always came right on back when we called her to us.

Bonnie and Lulu got a bit distracted...

Today was an interesting day at work.  I got to the parking lot and decided I really didn't want to be there and neither did the girl I was closing with.  Considering I didn't have to make much as far sales today, I decided I was going to do a bunch of tasking stuff in preparation for our visit from some of the head honchos on Tuesday and let the other girls make their sales with the limited customers we had today.  Apparently, tasking-Kerstin looks like an angry Kerstin and the girls were all super concerned about me.  Boss lady, Kim, kept asking them if they had done something to upset me, which none of them had because I wasn't upset.  Debbie, came up and asked if she had upset me in some way because Kim had asked her.  Katie kept randomly telling me she loved me. Devin thought it was best just to stay out of my way.  Kim kept asking me if I was alright.  She was so cute!  When she came back from her lunch she brought me three little cake-on-a-stick thingys with the sweetest note on top...

See...isn't she the sweetest?!

I love my job and I am pretty darn happy with my life and my new bad decision...not gonna lie.  He's trying to get his Skype to play nice with mine and is failing epically, but is getting his roommate's girlfriend to help him.  I'm sorry, but that is freaking adorable, so I can't really think this is too horrible of an idea.  Eh, I like the guy, so sue me.

Not really, I'm broke...so please don't.  Feel free to scold me in the comments section though...

Loves,
K

PS: Aren't you proud I figured out the whole picture thing?!!!!

34

Strange emotions have been flitting through my mind for the few days.  It's like its snowing feelings in my brain and they are congregating together on the ground in there melting into one giant, nameless thing I can't control.  Yes, I realize this all sounds like an application to a psych ward, but I swear...I'm just being a titch melodramatic because...well...I can.  It's a power thing. What can I say?

Anyway, my emotions really have been all over the place lately...could be just because I'm a girl and Mother Nature HATES me right now, but that's just too easy.  For instance, my sister and I were just having a somewhat pleasant conversation about the follies and craziness of our parent's relationship when there was a slight break and I thought I would make her happy about telling her about my New Year's Resolution.  Did my wonderful news have the desired effect?  Not in the least.  She basically dismissed me out of hand and left.  What was my reaction?  Well let me tell you it wasn't to go give her a hug.  I wanted to 1) bitch her out for being a heartless ass hole, 2) punch her in her cute little button nose (which I am totally jealous of, by the way) and 3) cry because my sister wasn't going to support me which, let's face it, was all I was actually looking for here.  I just wanted for once in my life for my big sister who I have basically idolized my entire life to say, "that is a great idea, Kerstin.  I'm sure you'll be much happier now."  What did I get? "You've been saying this for years, Kerstin.  It's not going to happen now."  You want to hit her too?!  Weird...  I get that I have been saying that I want to get over Andrew for years now, but I have never actually decided to do it because I was still holding onto the crazy prayer that we would be together and life would be just swell.  Lucky for me (and the rest of the sane world), I have since come to my senses and realized a happily ever after that involves Andrew and I ending up together is not in the cards...ever.  I just don't understand why my sister can't support my efforts.  This is the first time I have ever actually WANTED to get over Andrew, and I'm going to do it too...it's already working because I don't think of him every day like I used to and when I catch myself doing it, I put the kibosh on that but quick.  So yippee for me!!!

That is what has been making me happy these days...the whole PLAN succeeding finally.  Next, I just need to start dating, which is something my girls at work are more that happy to help me with.  I'm fairly certain, they are compiling lists of eligible men for me.  Ahh...it's good to be so loved. :-)

In other happy news, I am reading a whole big bunch of Susan Andersen romance novels and they make me incredibly happy.  At the same time, they make me feel like a silly, stupid grade-school girl.  For example, in the latest read, Coming Undone, the bad guy threatens to cut the heroine's hair and I just about tried to jump through the pages to save them....  Yeah, it was pathetic, I'll admit it, but the guy is crazy and totally untrained so it's not as though he was planning on giving her a flattering graduated bob or anything....  He was going to HACK her hair off.  All I was thinking was that I would all kinds of Amazon Warrior Goddess on anyone who tried to hack my hair off to teach me a lesson and that's exactly what I wanted to do to the fictional character I was reading about.  It's ok, feel free to judge...I know I deserve it.  Also, when same creepy bad guy sent the heroine a snake in a box, I tossed my nook to the furthest edge of my bed as if the snake would slither its icky, ICKY, ICKY body from the digital pages.  Pathetic, I know, but I accept that I am not the most rational person in the world when it comes to my books.  I am the type of girl who gets mesmerized by the story and forgets that while I may be reading about snow and frolicking deer in my book...it's actually 110 degrees outside and the nearest wildlife is the feral cat outside the office's back door.

Well, if you'll please excuse me, I need to keep reading to see if the heroine saves her hair. (Yes, I stopped reading to post this...again, I deserve the judging...bring it on.)

Yours always,
The snow-drift emotional K

33)

I realized the other day that I had yet to make a New Year's resolution and I feel that was rather poor form of me.  Guess what it is.  Go on, I dare you...guess.  No...? Fine, you're no fun.  I had a realization the other day that while I will always carry him in my heart and a part of me will forever love him, I need to take the rose-colored glasses off and realize that Andrew really wasn't that awesome of a guy.  Sure he was a super long-distance boyfriend, but in the years that we spent together before that, I refused to see that we just weren't compatible.  His life is going in such a different direction than mine.  I want to be happy again and I want to find love again.  Both of these things cannot be accomplished if I keep him in the forefront of my brain for the rest of my life.  I need to stop wondering what he feels about me, if he thinks of me, if he misses me, or if he even wants to see me ever again.  If I am ever going to dig myself out of the ditch I dug for myself over the course of the past three years...that's right it's been three years, stop judging...I have to focus on my future and that is a future that WILL NOT feature him.  This is really just a long-winded way of saying that my resolution is to get over Andrew and I'll be damned if I fail.  My plan for doing so?

1. I will no longer mention him in my posts unless he is crucial to whatever story I am attempting to convey.
2. I will no longer try to find out anything about his personal life (i.e. if he is dating someone.)
3. I will actively not think about him a little more each day until it become a passive function.
4. I will date other people and put myself out there because, let's face it, I'm 23 and I girls gotta have her fun sometime.
5. I will not compare any man I date to Andrew.
6. I will not date "replacement" Andrews. (i.e. guys who remind me of Andrew or remind my friends of Andrew if I am choosing to be blind to the fact.)

Let us all hope this actually works out and I find happiness within myself.  On that note...I WANT TO GO BACK TO EUROPE NOW!!!!!  I have a client at work who is going to Europe with her husband in a few weeks and she got me talking about all the places she needs to see and all the food she needs to eat and it makes me miss it so incredibly much!!  I have decided that I am going to start saving up money and I will do a study abroad in Ireland within the next two years.  This means I need to get my finances under control and that is a bit of a daunting task.  I need to fix my credit, get out of debt, or at least get it down to a manageable figure, and I need to start budgeting.  My new position at work is making this a titch easier because I did end up getting a slight raise and I have more hours per week!  Other than the recent rise in office drama that will hopefully wind down prior to my going crazy all over my co-workers, I am still completely enamored with my job. Today I had two clients come in just to say "hi" to me.  It's times like that that make me realize how lucky I am to be in a position to get women who may be having a horrible day when they sit down in my chair and be able to turn that day around with a lot of fun conversation and a jaunt through the lovely world of cosmetics.

I have started my absolute final semester at SCC and boy has it kicked off with a BANG.  Second day of my Philosophy of Sex class with Dr. Pervy-Old-Man, the professor decided to tell the class that he once thought it would be a dandy idea to have sex with the family dog at age thirteen and that he has gone to a slew of therapists throughout his life--whether or not the two events are related was not clarified, but I'm thinking the former was brought up during the latter.  I cannot even begin to explain how uncomfortable that made me.  I realize the purpose of this class is to get people to think, but that sure-as-hell wasn't an image I needed implanting itself in my subconscious.

Genny comes home for a couple of days on Wednesday so we can go see the midnight showing of "One for the Money" and, yes I do realize how very lame that makes us, but we LOVE these books.  Janet Evanovich is our favorite author and I really need her to find the elixir to life so she can at least live long enough that I don't go without reading material before my eyes fall out of my head.  Also, I am unacceptable excited about the Girl Scout cookies I ordered from the adorable little girl that came to my door.  Num, num!!  What can I say, I'm a fatty on the inside.  Speaking of, I have decided that I really need to get back into shape.  I want to be able to run for more than ten seconds and not feel like I'm sucking up a lung with each breath.  Sad as it may be, I think that will also help with my self-confidence.  I know I should be happy in my own skin, no matter how much there is of it, but I find those days to be fewer and farther in between and that is NOT ok.  So, it's high time I do something about it instead of wishing and hoping the weight just randomly decides its tired of my company and leaves of it's own doing.  I had a membership to a gym...I went once and I had it since September...pathetic, I know.

As, you can probably tell, I am in a no-holds-barred, kick-my-own-ass-into-shape-and-not-just-physically-speaking kind of mood.  It's going to work this time.  I am going to make myself a schedule.  I am going to take the dogs for a walk every day until I can start running with them.  I am going to work out on that infernal contraption in our garage. I am going to put myself on a budget. I am going to stick to my guns.  And finally, I sure as hell am going to get over Andrew and start dating again.

Yours,
The new self-improvement Barbie (aka Kerstin)

32

Happy New Year, babies!!  It is the second day of the new year and I'm hoping its going just dandy for the rest of you.  I have been sick for the last three days and that means I'm being super, SUPER whiny and needy...its good times for all involved.

Well, it's been settled.  I am going to go to ASU in the Fall...I would be going this semester, but the jerkfaces want my UA transcripts and I  keep trying to tell them they really, REALLY don't but they just won't listen.  I feel they are being stubborn and they are probably thinking the same thing about me.  I sent them my SCC transcripts...that should really be enough, but NOOOOOOO...they are being snarky.  However, they are not being snarky to my sister.  CAYLIN IS GOING TO ASU THIS SEMESTER!!!!!  I am so incredibly proud of her!! (Note: there is no sarcasm intended in that statement at all.)

In other news, I love my job and as soon as my background check clears, I get to be a Key Holder again!  I am so excited!  That means that I'll be getting more hours at least on a regular basis.  I have missed being a Key since I left Tucson and now I get to be one again.  I swear if this falls through, I may just go on a frelling rampage!  It probably won't mean that I get a raise, but I think I can deal with that considering I'm already one of the highest paid associates in the store because of Tucson.  I feel bad for my boss lady though.  She is going through so much right now that she really doesn't deserve.  She has no energy and no attention span with which to deal with anything that she has to at work.  I have been trying to help as much as possible, but until I have full access to the computer there is only so much I can do.  I am, as she calls me, the Visual Diva so I am in charge of keeping everything to schematic in the store and in the back room.  As a matter of fact, the new district manager gave me the chore to organize the back room and label everything so it has a specific place to live and everyone knows where that place is.  The only problem with that, is that she wants it done by the fifth and I have a floor set to do on Wednesday...the fourth, so when am I supposed to get this done?  I'm a touch stressed about it.

Other than that, I am a touch sad about my bestie ditching me for Mickey Mouse for eight months a WEEK FROM TOMORROW.  We haven't even had our Christmas together yet.  I need to get a few good pictures of her and I together so that I can make her her going away present.  The plan is to get her either one "friends" frame or a few of them and put our pictures in it so she can have them in her room.  And of course, I'll get her one of our favorite cards because that's just what we do.  I am going to miss her like a crazy person, but I'll be going over there for the weekend at the end of January so that'll be nice.

Other than that, Andrew is acting like he used to around me now and can actually smile at me and maintain eye contact and will voluntarily be in the same room with me now.  The only downside to this plan is that I fall for him all over again when he smiles at me...its dangerous.  I am trying to avoid Adam because he is just irritating me these days and I don't want to encourage him into thinking we are back to what we were because we NEVER will be.  He thinks he knows me and he truly doesn't.  He tries likes to tell me about Andrew just to see my reaction and he thinks he knows how I feel about it, but he definitely doesn't and he only pisses me off.

Other than that, I am reading a bunch of romance novels before bed and just got finished watching a chick flick so now I've decided that I want to marry an Irish guy and live happily ever after.

Hopefully, everything starts leaning more toward the happy side here within the next few weeks.
Loves and hopeful happiness,
K, the ever-sprightly. <3

31)

Alright kiddos, I promise I will try not to make this post a downer like the last one was.  Yikes...that was a touch needy, I know.

So basically I am super concerned about my best friend, Genny.  She has been uber down for the past few weeks.  I know she would never even consider suicide or anything like that, but still, my best-friend-spidey-senses aren't liking her current routine.  She doesn't talk much, she isn't as exuberant as she used to be, and every time she lets her guard down just for a second, its painfully obvious how miserable she is.  Spend five minutes with her these days and you'll want to jump off the nearest building too.  I know exactly what her problems are too, but they aren't anything I can fix.  She is moving to California in January for eight months.  Ever since she found out she got this internship, she's been in a super depressed fog and I can't get her out of it.  I know its not just because of the move that she's down.  She went out on a date with this guy from one of her classes and that only made her downer mode PLUMMET.  Its not like she didn't have a good time with the guy.  They made good conversation and had fun, but she's being all kinds of Debbie-downer and can't just let it be.  She actually said "he's too much of a good boy" and then she told me that he drinks too much so obviously he's not that much of a good boy...

Here's the thing with Genny, she likes to blame everything on Andrew--yes, my ex is also her ex, but she forced us together so its not weird for us.  I can understand why she wants to blame everything on him but she's wrong.  I knew her before she and Andrew had their little thing and she was always like this.  The girl, though I love her tremendously, has less than no self-esteem.  She thinks that because she let Andrew get past second base in a moment of weakness on Prom Night Junior Year (yeah, its capitalized...its just that infamous), that she can blame her ineptitude on him.  (Yes, I am jealous that she got further with him than I did...base-wise, there.  Curiosity quenched?)  She wants to blame everything on him because then she doesn't have to look to herself to point the fingers.  I have told her time and time again that she can't keep blaming him because it isn't his fault.  Yes, he treated her like SHIT.  Yes, he treated me like his girlfriend while he was dating her, which makes him an asshole.  Yes, he barely talked to her, especially when I was around and that makes him a bigger asshole.

However, she didn't stand up for herself.  She didn't tell him to knock the shit off or she'd beat that hell out of him.  She let him get away with everything.  She had the control that night.  She didn't have to fool around with him that night--which, by the way, nearly killed me when they went back to his room.  I don't think she has accepted why she let him do it.  I know why, because I know her better than she knows herself it would seem.  She did it because she thought it meant that she was worth something, but she wasn't taking into account that Andrew just wanted to get laid and he really didn't care who with.  I hate to be cynical about the man I love, but that guy would have done just about anything for sex or anything even close to sex and quite frankly, every time I think about he and Genny fooling around, I just get mad and hurt and my heart hurts all over again because I didn't even get a fucking kiss...sorry....  Anyways....  She is my best friend in the entire world and I can't keep seeing her go down this same road over and over again.  She keeps dating assholes because they aren't concerned with boosting her self esteem and she thinks she deserves that shitty treatment, which is complete BULLSHIT.

So now, I am on a mission.
Mission name: Fix Team Genny.
Time frame: before she leaves for California.
Plan: unknown, but possibly includes taking her up to the woods and chaining her to a tree till she knocks this shit off.
Mission statement:  Gennifer Frost, best friend of team leader, is broken and moving away from all person who can help her realize how wonderful she truly is.  She is broken because she cannot accept the truth of both her past and her reality.  We cannot send her off onto the unknowing and unprepared Disneyland in January without rectifying the situation.  While we know that she will get over the depression of moving away for eight months, she won't get over the bad self-esteem and the bad relationships.  We MUST do something about this!
Other important information: We are currently accepting volunteers.  Please apply.

Over and out,
Team Leader K

30

The current/recurring dilemma...I love him and it hurts.  This is very likely due to the fact that I haven't seem him at all in three months and I know he's in town.  Think about how you feel when you have coffee every day for nine years and then you suddenly quit cold turkey, but you still have to walk by that damn Starbucks everyday and smell all the delicious and enticing things that lie within...yeah, it's like that, but with a person.  I find, that I try to work asking about hi into conversations and I don't really listen to what others say because I'm too busy hoping they'll mention him instead.  My brain keeps conjuring up all of these fantasies of what it could be like, not just the sex, but life with him.  I keep fantasizing about he and I getting back together and working it all out, which is total bullshit.  I promise, I do actually realize that, but it never really matters, he is still so deeply routed in my consciousness, that I--it's like a tumor or something.  Can you wish for something so much and so devoutly that it poisons you so that you can never be really truly happy again?

The real problem...I don't want to let go of my fantasy.  That is the real issue I need help with...probably professional help.  Do they have interventions for people who won't let go of a dead/dying love?  Every time I go to his house, I always look for his car and my heart plummets when I don't see it and I NEVER see it.  I want to see him.  I want to look at him and see what I feel reflected back at me.  The chances of that ever happening aren't good.  I think I wish I didn't want him so bad, but I can't actually promise that is true.  I have lost touch with myself.  Was I ever in touch with myself?  I find myself wondering that very thing these days.  Do I have any idea who the hell I am?  I am starting to think I don't know.  I wish I did.  I always feel like I need to run.  Like I have to be prepared to get the hell out of dodge at any given moment.

I need to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!  I need to know that some one some where will in fact love me for exactly who I am.  I need a...I don't know what I need, just that I need to feel that loved and cherished again.  I'm 23 years old.  When is it my turn to be loved?  Will I throw it away again?  I hope not, but at least let me try to make it work out differently this time.

Lost and lonely...
K

29)

WHOA!!!!  What's this?! Two posts in one month by the infamous absentee blogger?!  MADNESS!!

And now that we've covered that....  So here's one thing you probably should have already gathered from my previous posts, but for those who are...shall we say...denser than the average reader, I'll just go ahead and spell it out for you--which doesn't actually have the same effect in writing as it does in speech, at least not when taken literally.  I am a sarcastic and cynical asshole.  If this offends you, we probably were't friends in the first place, so its all good.  With that having been said, I was thinking of writing a rather short self-help book and thought I would run what I got down at work the other day by you, so here it is...enjoy:


"It makes you wonder, doesn't it?  Why is it that every time you seem to find everything you think will make you happy, the universe suddenly pops up and pulls the rug out from under your feet and leaves you in shock flat on your ass and crying?
I actually know the answer to this one.  You see, you are just being a whiny twit.  It's not the universe pulling some imaginary rug out from under your feet; its you.  Now then, unless it was some sort of freak accident--no, your boyfriend breaking up with you, you getting a third traffic ticket this year, and/or waking up late so you miss your plane do NOT count as freak accidents, I was thinking more along the lines of getting struck by lightning, bitten by a radioactive insect, and/or suddenly acquiring Midas' touch--I can pretty much guarantee that what ever it was you have seen fit to blame on the universe also didn't happen "all of a sudden".
There were signs that your little Utopia was about to come crashing down all around you, but you didn't want to listen, or in the case of the deaf, see them, did you?  Noooooo...that wouldn't have made you happy and who can be unhappy in a Utopia?  No one, that's who.  So you purposefully ignored all signs pointing to reason, but inevitable doom.  You were in your little "happy bubble" with your delusional version of perfection to keep you warm and stupid.  I've got some disappointing news for you, my dear.  It turns out, "perfection" has some pretty sharp-ass edges, now doesn't it?  There is a bright side to all this melancholy though; once your delusional bubble has been popped, you will suddenly be able to pull your head from your ass and begin to use your brain once more...at least until the next time."


I sure do hope you enjoyed reading the beginning of my self-help book.  I was thinking the following pages would contain all those horrible saying your family and mine would throw in our faces when life got us down.  You know, just the really encouraging ones like, "suck it up, buttercup" or "walk it off" or even, "rub some dirt on it," oh, or even, "I stopped listening the second you started bitching."

Thoughts? Reflections?  Options for continuing, other chapters, content?

28

Let's get down to brass tactics, shall we?  I am kind of a dumbass when it comes to boys/men.  I'm sure if you've read...any of the other posts, you will have already gathered this fact and are now thinking to yourself, "Wow, she sure does like to state the obvious, doesn't she?"  To put that question to rest, yes, yes i do quite enjoy stating the obvious, but moving onto the the examples for which I am calling myself a dumbass...

The first being that I am still very much in love with Andrew, though I don't really want to get back together with him.  He keeps acting weird with me which, of course, sends my brain into crazy-girl mode and I'm not actually a fan of that mode despite my constant visits.  One day his family and I are sitting around the dinning room and we're all laughing and talking like the old times before Andrew and I got together in the first place.  I was all kinds of excited because I had seen that "spark" in his eyes.  He was smiling at me and speaking directly to me, even teasing me.  It was great.  Now he's gone back to not being able to be in the same room with me and seems to have gone so far as to avoiding entering the house when he sees Franny parked out front.  So that leaves me to assume that I am a delusional nit wit with issues regarding wishful thinking for "seeing" that damn spark.  You know what they say, sparks cause fires and then your ass gets burned.  However, it would be a lie to say that I didn't wish that fire would burn his clothes off so that I might see if screwing his brains out would get him out of my system.  Don't worry.  This isn't a theory I'm planning on following through with.  Clearly, it will forever stay in the hypothesis stage because dreams don't count--if you say they do, you suck and I don't like you anymore.

Onto the next example of my dumbassery--that's right, I made up that word, go forth and use it.  The mere fact that I dated Ben (see previous post for further details) should really tell you everything you need to know.  I actually had myself convinced that I was falling for him and now I have trouble even remembering we actually dated.  How idiotic is that?!  No, you need not answer.

And...moving on...  Let me introduce you to Matt.  He is my latest proof of my dumbassness.  A little background: I met him while I was working down at Tucson Mall for Bare Escentuals--best make up ever, in case you were wondering--and he was working for T-Mobile.  I had seen him around the mall, but was completely enamored with one of his co-workers so I didn't talk to him much, but he'd apparently called dibs on me when he saw which meant that I didn't stand a chance with his super gorgeous friend.  However, two weeks before I moved back home, he stopped outside my store and we talked for a little bit, and he asked for my number so we could grab a drink one night before I left.  While that drink never happened, we did start talking a whole big bunch.  I went down to Tucson one day to start bringing more stuff back home and went to see him at work.  When I left he walked me to my car and kissed me.  Now, there weren't any fireworks or anything super corny like that, but he was an amazing, AMAZING kisser.  Definitely top three material.  Anyways...about a month after that, he decided to tell me that he"thinks he's in love with me".  Yeah, that happened.  He also decided, shortly after I had moved and told him I was still a virgin in a late-night drunken phone call, that he was going to be the one to take my virginity.  I'm not going to even attempt to lie and say this didn't appeal to me because it TOTALLY did.  I just kept thinking, "Well if he can kiss that well...what else could he do to me?"  Then he kept doing the "I love you" thing which I didn't really enjoy, but i was loving the attention so i went ahead and kept on talking to him.  In our last conversation after I got back from visiting Amber in Denver, we talked on the phone from about ten till five thirty am...it was ridiculous!!!  That was quite a busy conversation too.... He managed to slip in some stealth phone sex.  I know, you're wondering how one accomplishes stealth phone sex and I'll tell you.  Now we'd pretty much always talked about sex, but that time was quite different.  I'd never really understood phone sex...especially being a virgin.  It just seemed like a lot of work just to get off and I don't like working hard at such things.  But, DAMN the boy had a way with words and he actually managed to get me into it a little, but not much mostly because of the virginal status and my SERIOUS lack of experience in such fields.  While I'll never admit typing.saying such a thing, it was actually kind of fun and exciting.  However, about two hours later, he finally convinced me to tell him about the Andrew saga, so I did.  He then proceeded to get pissed off at me because i still love my first love.  Apparently, unlike him, I can't just walk off being in love.  Needless to say that conversation didn't end on the happiest of notes and we stopped talking.  I ignored the few texts and one call i got from him after that and he stopped trying.  Don't worry, the dumbassery continued.  Last night, i was feeling lonely and a little guilty for just ignoring him, so my dumb ass texted him.  We talked and he wants to know if I want a relationship with him.  I didn't respond last night because I figured this was something to sleep on.  When I woke up this morning, I realized that I really didn't want a relationship with him.  I don't even really want to screw him anymore.  However, I haven't exactly gotten around to telling him that yet... oops...

Oh, but wait there is one more small thing I haven't mentioned yet.  While sober Kerstin seems to make all kinds of poor decisions, drunk Kerstin is much, MUCH worse.  While I was in Denver with my girls, we went to Ladies' Night at Jackson's in downtown Denver.  Well, it was $5 all you can drink and I took that very seriously and started downing drinks like there was no tomorrow.  At some point in the night I had asked one of the security guards what size his gauges were in his ear...apparently that translated to flirting because he stayed pretty close for the rest of the night.  I ended up giving him my number so he could send me a picture of my sister doing a boobie-five with one of Amber's Denver friends.  I hadn't thought anything of it considering I didn't even have my phone that night.  My sister had my phone because her's was dead and she wanted to talk to Bean's brother.  Apparently, she also flirted quite heavily with the security guard, whose name was Bobby.  Like I said before, this hadn't popped up on my radar at all until last week.  The guy sent me a picture of his erect dick.  While I've never actually seen one up close and personal, I can still tell you that he really should have left his hand out of the picture because I know how big/small it was, and that gave me an idea of how less than impressive he actually was.  Now, my dumbassness in this one is mostly that I didn't respond to the picture with something snarky like, "really? should I have been impressed?"

Well, that is the saga of my dumbassery with the male population...I'll likely have more stories soon, if I keep going to the bars to see new bands.  PS:  The Sail Inn in Tempe on Wednesday nights...rocks.

27)

We're going to make this one short, because I am currently procrastinating a paper that's due in a few hours and I haven't started it yet.

Alright, Andrew is acting strange around me but no longer moves to another room when I come in, so I figured it was time to add him back on Facebook.  Juvenile, yes, but it made me happy when he accepted.  What can I say, I still love the boy, but that doesn't detract from the fact that I still know we aren't right for one another.  He keeps smiling at me and trying to make eye contact...I'm actively focusing on not thinking about it too much, though it slips to the forefront every once and a while.

In other news, I think that if I were to see Ben out and about anywhere, I may just walk up and punch him in the back of the head, or perhaps...lower.  The more I read or be around another person, namely Rachel, while she is reading it to another person, the madder I get.  I am so pissed off that I would ever have dated someone who would do that to me and for such ridiculous reasons.  Again, not contesting the whole breaking up thing, but the fact that it was via facebook and because I am too smart and a virgin.  UGH... I really want to hurt him.

Other than that, I am having a hard time enjoying work.  Don't get me wrong, I love what I do, but I do not enjoy the behind-the-scenes bullshit we have going on.  The changing of schedules with consulting those people affected.  The fact that we still don't have April's schedule and April starts in about three days...not cool.  Apparently, I may not be able to transfer to the boutique in Scottsdale because we don't make our sales goals.  If that is the case, I am going to be rather pissed off because that wouldn't be at all fair.  It's not my fault that I can't make my goals because the company chose a piss-poor mall to put us in.  Also, I apparently make crap at this job compared to the other girls.  I thought I was making bank because it is more than I have ever made.  Nope.  Not the case.  I'm starting to not like my job and that is not cool because that was really the only thing I was liking about Tucson these days.

On that subject, Rachel, Rita and Marina have started showing me all the awesomeness Tucson has to offer and I do have to admit, the city is great, but everything I'm doing here sucks ass.  Last week, the girls took me to Gates Pass for the sunset and it was so much fun.  We climbed a mini mountain with inappropriate foot attire and made snarky comments the entire time.  Next we are going to go to Sabino Canyon because none of us have been and my dad said i can't move back home until I go there.  We are also going to go to Mount Lemon and to the Pima County Fair in April.  I am so excited. I love these girls and they make life awesome, plus we are all ass holes, so it's always a good time when we get together. :-)

I also have a recently developed crush on this guy who works in the mall.  I don't know much about him, but he has the most amazing smile I have ever seen.  HOLY CRAP!!!  Seriously...most amazing smile ever.  He is really nice and super sweet, plus now he's started looking for me when he passes by my store.  I feel like i'm in middle school all over again...he's great, but we haven't actually been introduced yet and every time we talk, I always forget that tidbit...

Yours always,

Love-struck and loving it. <3

26

As promised, here is the facebook message from the newly ex-ified Ben.  Have fun with it. ;-)

Hey Kerstin, I think we should talk...I hope you dont hate me afterward because i very much value your friendship...but i just dont see this working at all...we are far far far two different people..you are so smart and so educated so very far past me and im just some guy youve known forever...you need someone that can relate to you in all ways..i dont seem to be able to relate to you in any way...i dont understand why you do the things you do or why the way you are...honestly ive been thinking about it for awhile i just havent had the balls to say anything..i was afraid to hurt you but the farther i went in the more i realized that to go farther it would only hurt more and more..you are too smart for me Kerstin you need someone you can relate too...and I need someone more physical...someone who can share the love of making love in and for a relationship...relationships need sex at a later age as we are now and without it im just antsy all the time and i dont want to cheat on you so i need to break this off so i can have what i need..sex is a very important part of a relationship in my opinion and is important in most opinions unless you are a virgin..so i understand where you are coming from but we just arent right for that very circumstance...i need someone who relates to me and understands me and my needs.. and as far as i can see i dont think you understand me at all...i mean sometimes we cant even text each other without getting confused because neither of us understands what the other is thinking...im not good for you Kerstin...you can do so so so much better than me and you deserve better for that matter...im nothing and i dont want you to get stuck with me before it is too late...the only thing i would suggest is to get into as many relationships as you can Kerstin...im not trying to be mean but you do need the experience...i was trying to give it to you but its just not working out..you need to open up more...and in my opinion stop being so so smart with your significant other...you cant be serious all the time...where is the fun in that? be more playful and let loose once in awhile and forget everything that makes any sense and that means anything and just have fun.... be crazy, be spontaneous, be anything......just dont hold back just because it isnt the "correct" thing to do...i doubt you will know what i mean by that but i honestly dont know how else to explain it...i dont know where im going with this i just know that im lost with you...especially after reading twilight..i hope you dont think this is stupid but i read how bella and edward felt towards each other and it was incredible. i have felt that with someone in my own experience but i do not feel it with you...i read how in love they are and i keep thinking about our relationship and how nothing they say is anywhere near how i feel about you..honestly im not trying to be mean in anyway but i need to speak my mind and i cant go on in a relationship i dont think will work for the sake of someone else, in my opinion its just wrong and hurtful so im just being honest..and again i really hope you dont hate me for this becuase i really really really would like to remain being close friends with you...but i think i got into this relationship for all the wrong reasons...i was alone in arizona with no one to talk to so i started talking to you and venting to you about all my problems...and you were there for me everytime and i loved it...i stilll love it..but the main reason i got into a relationship with you was because you were there for me and i was there for you if you needed me to be, and i still will be there for you if you need me to be...because i do love you..just not as a girlfriend..so i thought since we were there for each other that maybe we should try a relationship...i was wrong..we are just way to different in my opinion as much as i would like to teach you so many things physically im afraid you would get far to attached..so i just dont see it working....i hope so much you still want to be friends and that you dont hate me...i would even still love to hang out with you and go on dates and such but i just dont see us together unless its a casual thing if you understand my meaning...just know i will always be here for you and i will always be your friend..you were always there for me and i hope i can still count you as my friend..you still mean alot to me and im sorry if this hurts but i honestly just dont see it working....i love you..as a friend... Ben

AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!  Is that not the funniest thing you have ever read?  I know, me too.  Well, I have to go study for a midterm, so I will likely chatsy tomorrow.  Loves!!!

25)

So....yeah it's been awhile.  I'm sorry.  That's my bad.  It's been about...oh snap...it's been seven months since my last post.  I am such a wretched blogger.  I have quite a few little updates for you, my loves.  Be excited.  Are you waiting breathlessly?  No?  I can't blame you with my current track record.

Firstly, I have officially gotten closure with the saga that was Andrew.  It's exciting. As previously mentioned, though admittedly seven months ago, best friend gave me until the end of October to tell Andrew how I feel about him.  I did.  The shorthand version of that conversation was basically, me telling him I love him and have for years, him telling me he's over it and then the conversation ending.  Post conversation--which was over text message because he was a chicken and refused to call/answer my calls--I had a mini-mental breakdown.  I had an actual panic attack in which I could not move.  I wanted to get off my bed, but I couldn't move my arms or legs.  I couldn't even catch my breath.  It felt like hours had gone by in this state, when it was likely less than a minute, but I thought I was actually going to die.  It was terrifying and I do not suggest having such a breakdown if you can ever get the option to.  After that, I cried for about twenty minute jags.  However, this was followed by a sense of calm over the following few days after I cried about it to my father.  Daddy's advice is to wait until I'm 27 and then find a guy because that is when they start to grow up. 

Another adventure in dating is the second topic for discussion.  Ben.  He and I started dating in the beginning of January.  It went fairly well.  The problem...we were not at all compatible.  He was an alright kisser, and it made me feel good when he would act like an idiot after I kissed him.  We had fun when we went out, however...I had a few issues with some of the things he stood for.  My problems included, but were not limited to, his family values--he didn't value his as much as I value mine--he didn't like kids and I love them, no matter if he'd been sworn to secrecy, he would still tell me anything and he would give me crap about not telling him everything when I said I would never tell.  I am, or was yesterday at least, upset with him because he decided to break up with me in a facebook message.  I'll upload it tomorrow.  It'll be a good read.  I know I wasn't really as into him as I thought because as I read his message, I was checking the thing for spelling and grammar problems and I was irritated with the blatant abuse of ellipses.  One thing I will forever be grateful to him for helping me realize that I am also not compatible with Andrew.  I do find it rather interesting that I am just as happy without Ben as I was with him, which is causing concern in those around me.  I seemed to be falling for Ben, but evidently, that wasn't the case.  It feels a little weird not to be texting with him all day every day, but I figure, that is to be expected considering we had three months of it.  he still wants to be friends and I am thinking that is fine with me, but I'm not entirely sure as of yet.  The basic premise of his breakup message was that I was too smart for him--which is true--and that he wasn't entirely thrilled with the fact that I was a virgin and basically he was too horny to wait for me to be comfortable.  My thing is that had he just come down to Tucson, I wouldn't still be a virgin.  Oh well, I'm actually happy now and pretty much every one, ok take out the "pretty much", agrees that he was an idiot to break up via facebook.

Anyways....  This is my last semester at UA.  I am moving back home hopefully as soon as it's over.  I am crossing my fingers that I will simply be able to transfer to the BE in Scottsdale because I love my job.  Tucson was a good life experience for me and I'll miss the sushi, my new friends, and all the pretty mountains that surround my apartment, but we do not make a good combination.  I'll have to come back and visit every once and a while to visit my BE girls and my new friends...perhaps even the mountains.  While I do not particularly wish to move back in with my parents, the deal was that until Caylin moves out, I stay at home and then I will live with her.  I know, I know...yes this is something I have bitched about at great length before.  However, my reasoning is thus...living with a friend did not work.  I don't even talk to Adam and he is living in the same freaking apartment as I am.  I knew going into this that I would very likely lose a friend, but I honestly didn't mind all that much.  That seems cold and heartless, I know, but you try living with him.  He's a social pariah!  However, if I live with my sister, I can't actually lose her, we're stuck together for life, plus we always fight and then make up.  She didn't talk to me for about a month and a half after I moved here.  I think she was pissed at me for abandoning her with the parental units to another city unlike her move a few miles away.  If I live with Caylin, yeah, we'll fight and we'll probably beat the crap out of each other on a monthly if not weekly basis, but we will always have each others backs when it matters, though I might as well laminate that damn V-card now...then we could just hang it on the wall next to my bed my the machete.

It has gotten to the point where I am so unhappy living down here that I don't even care about school anymore.  ME!  Not care about school?! I just stopped going to one class and I didn't even drop it...that's not going to look good on the transcripts, but I can't seem to care.  The other two classes I have on campus, I ditch periodically just because I don't feel like going.  Really?!  I'm that girl now?!  I love my apartment, but I would love it more if it were a one bedroom with the same amount for rent.  Living on my own is great other than the fact that it's making me fat.  I am so much more active at home than I am here.  I did just get myself some of the Reebok Easy Tones and I love those, though I don't go for walks, I just wear them to classes.  I do want to start working out more, but I don't have anyone to go with and that makes me not want to do it at all.  I need someone to push me, but I refuse to diet, so just hold your breath on that one.

Hmmm...I guess that just about covers everything.  I feel better now that I've actually written something.  I promise, I'll post Ben's message tomorrow.  Loves to you!!

24

I realize that I have been a bit of an absentee blogger over the past few months and I am sorry for that.  I really did have the best of intentions to be giving updates on at least a weekly basis, but my best intentions often fall short when translated into the real world.

So, what has kept me away?  To be quite honest, it's mostly due to laziness and my apparent fixation with the Facebook game, Bubble Town--it's dumb, but I love it nonetheless.  School is trying to kill me, but not really because it's my fault.  If I didn't procrastinate so damn much, I would get more sleep and be doing much better.  This is my first semester as UA and I am already becoming a serious slacker--this is not a good thing.  I like most of my classes, but I have yet to find the purpose of one of them, which is seriously irritating.  HIST 301, Intro to the Study of History.  What is that?!  The other people I have talked to in that class don't know what we are supposed to be studying either...it is really annoying!  Other than that, school is fine though I am broke and can't get some of my books that I need to complete certain assignments for my online history class.  I am still waiting for my loan to go through UA's financial aid office so I can get the remainder so that I can be all caught up on bills and such.  I don't like being broke.  I don't like having to decide which bills to pay on a monthly basis.  I hate having to forgo getting groceries because I have to put gas in the car.  I am terrified of failing at this endeavor of mine.  It is difficult to figure out where all my freaking money goes....  I am not buying frivilous things...well I eat out too much at work, so I'll start packing a lunch, but I'm not buying movies or books like I used to!  I have a job that pays well and gives me 24 hours a week...though I wish it were more on the hours side of it.

Anyways...enough about my financial woes.  So...I had a date a few weeks ago.  It was horrible.  He was a jackass and literally tried to bite me.  This is a guy i have known for less than a month and he tries to bite me.  Explain to me in what society that is acceptable and can it me easily mistaken for ours?  He made two phone calls about his truck while we were eating.  I left during the second one.  As I got up, I told him that I was going to the library and that I would see him the next class period.  He said, "Or you could wait."  AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Why the hell would I wait for you to get off the damn phone so you can just go back to being a total dick about everything again.  AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Pass.  I replied, "No thanks, I have a bunch of shit to do."  That translates roughly to, "No fucking way you moron," in case you were wondering.  Class has been interesting with him since.  We don't really talk.  He is always an ass, but luckily, he is failing miserably...hehehe, I do enjoy that part. Some days he will try to be a nice guy and then, like today, he will just be a dick about everything.  Our teacher is German so, of course he is all about the Nazi jokes because he is an ignorant jackass.  Now, he even has one of the other guys, who was actually super awesome, doing the same shit.  I hate it!

And onto other news...Andrew, yes, you guessed it, the guy I love and have been talking about since this blog's inception, is coming home probably next weekend.  Let me tell you why this terrifies me.  I have decided recently that, no matter what, I am going to tell him I love him and, if he lets me, why I ran.  Genny is giving me till the end of October to do so or she will find a way to do it herself.  I am so freaked out by this because I have no clue what he is going to do.  I don't know if he'll hate me because I didn't say it the night he told me he loved me or if he'll be alright with it.  I don't know what will happen and I don't like it.  I have never been able to predict what that boy will do, but I can't keep hiding it anymore.  It hurts way too much to keep it inside.  I am tired of playing the guessing game when it comes to how he feels about me.  He makes me think he still has feelings for me, but then when he called me to tell me he broke up with his girlfriend, he said something about telling me this as a friend.  I don't know what to do with shit like that!  I want to walk right up to him and say, "So...I'm in love with you and have been for a really long time now.  Thoughts?  Reactions? Go."  However, the likelihood of my being ballsy enough to do it...not so good.  I have little confidence that I will be able to go through with telling him anything, but I have to remember to be strong and just do it anyways because I will forever hate myself if I don't.  If he hate me and breaks my heart all over again, I have a bunch of friends waiting in the wings with duck tape and good puzzle skills.  I am confident that this is something I have to do no matter the outcome, which is scary as hell, but true.  I told his mom of my plan.  She is worried about us both getting hurt and I can't blame her because I am too.  If all else fails, I'll write him a damn letter or a Facebook message, though I really, REALLY don't want to go there.  I kind of feel like I need to see his face if I am going to get any clear answers.  I am so scared that he'll hate me and never want to talk/see me again, but I have hope that he won't and that's really all I can do until the time comes for me to throw myself on the metaphorical sacrificial alter.  Yes, i am feeling a bit dramatic today, how ever did you guess?

Other than all that, nothing is really new and/or exciting in my world.  I worry about all my families.  I worry about Ben because he has seemingly dropped off the face of the fucking planet and isn't returning any of my messages which is cause for concern considering what happened the last time we stopped talking.  I hate being this attached to him, but he was my life raft after me and Andrew split and we have a bit of a connection because of it.  I love him--not like Andrew, I'll never love anybody like I love Andrew--and I need him back.  I just don't want anything to happen to him/I don't want him to do anything incredibly stupid like last time.  I am just so worried about what is keeping him from talking to me right now.  I hope he isn't falling again because this life raft only has so much rope to give him and letting him go is just too much to ask me to do without a serious fight.  I feel strangely tied to Ben.  I have known him for so long and we have become so close over the past year.  We tell each other everything, even things we tell no one else and it is scary to think about losing him, especially losing him to himself and his own stupidity.  I trust him with my life and with my heart and I feel like I need him to survive because if he doesn't, then I won't either.  It is a strange sensation.

Well that is all I have for now.  I will keep you updated on the Andrew situation as it progresses.