24

I realize that I have been a bit of an absentee blogger over the past few months and I am sorry for that.  I really did have the best of intentions to be giving updates on at least a weekly basis, but my best intentions often fall short when translated into the real world.

So, what has kept me away?  To be quite honest, it's mostly due to laziness and my apparent fixation with the Facebook game, Bubble Town--it's dumb, but I love it nonetheless.  School is trying to kill me, but not really because it's my fault.  If I didn't procrastinate so damn much, I would get more sleep and be doing much better.  This is my first semester as UA and I am already becoming a serious slacker--this is not a good thing.  I like most of my classes, but I have yet to find the purpose of one of them, which is seriously irritating.  HIST 301, Intro to the Study of History.  What is that?!  The other people I have talked to in that class don't know what we are supposed to be studying either...it is really annoying!  Other than that, school is fine though I am broke and can't get some of my books that I need to complete certain assignments for my online history class.  I am still waiting for my loan to go through UA's financial aid office so I can get the remainder so that I can be all caught up on bills and such.  I don't like being broke.  I don't like having to decide which bills to pay on a monthly basis.  I hate having to forgo getting groceries because I have to put gas in the car.  I am terrified of failing at this endeavor of mine.  It is difficult to figure out where all my freaking money goes....  I am not buying frivilous things...well I eat out too much at work, so I'll start packing a lunch, but I'm not buying movies or books like I used to!  I have a job that pays well and gives me 24 hours a week...though I wish it were more on the hours side of it.

Anyways...enough about my financial woes.  So...I had a date a few weeks ago.  It was horrible.  He was a jackass and literally tried to bite me.  This is a guy i have known for less than a month and he tries to bite me.  Explain to me in what society that is acceptable and can it me easily mistaken for ours?  He made two phone calls about his truck while we were eating.  I left during the second one.  As I got up, I told him that I was going to the library and that I would see him the next class period.  He said, "Or you could wait."  AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Why the hell would I wait for you to get off the damn phone so you can just go back to being a total dick about everything again.  AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Pass.  I replied, "No thanks, I have a bunch of shit to do."  That translates roughly to, "No fucking way you moron," in case you were wondering.  Class has been interesting with him since.  We don't really talk.  He is always an ass, but luckily, he is failing miserably...hehehe, I do enjoy that part. Some days he will try to be a nice guy and then, like today, he will just be a dick about everything.  Our teacher is German so, of course he is all about the Nazi jokes because he is an ignorant jackass.  Now, he even has one of the other guys, who was actually super awesome, doing the same shit.  I hate it!

And onto other news...Andrew, yes, you guessed it, the guy I love and have been talking about since this blog's inception, is coming home probably next weekend.  Let me tell you why this terrifies me.  I have decided recently that, no matter what, I am going to tell him I love him and, if he lets me, why I ran.  Genny is giving me till the end of October to do so or she will find a way to do it herself.  I am so freaked out by this because I have no clue what he is going to do.  I don't know if he'll hate me because I didn't say it the night he told me he loved me or if he'll be alright with it.  I don't know what will happen and I don't like it.  I have never been able to predict what that boy will do, but I can't keep hiding it anymore.  It hurts way too much to keep it inside.  I am tired of playing the guessing game when it comes to how he feels about me.  He makes me think he still has feelings for me, but then when he called me to tell me he broke up with his girlfriend, he said something about telling me this as a friend.  I don't know what to do with shit like that!  I want to walk right up to him and say, "So...I'm in love with you and have been for a really long time now.  Thoughts?  Reactions? Go."  However, the likelihood of my being ballsy enough to do it...not so good.  I have little confidence that I will be able to go through with telling him anything, but I have to remember to be strong and just do it anyways because I will forever hate myself if I don't.  If he hate me and breaks my heart all over again, I have a bunch of friends waiting in the wings with duck tape and good puzzle skills.  I am confident that this is something I have to do no matter the outcome, which is scary as hell, but true.  I told his mom of my plan.  She is worried about us both getting hurt and I can't blame her because I am too.  If all else fails, I'll write him a damn letter or a Facebook message, though I really, REALLY don't want to go there.  I kind of feel like I need to see his face if I am going to get any clear answers.  I am so scared that he'll hate me and never want to talk/see me again, but I have hope that he won't and that's really all I can do until the time comes for me to throw myself on the metaphorical sacrificial alter.  Yes, i am feeling a bit dramatic today, how ever did you guess?

Other than all that, nothing is really new and/or exciting in my world.  I worry about all my families.  I worry about Ben because he has seemingly dropped off the face of the fucking planet and isn't returning any of my messages which is cause for concern considering what happened the last time we stopped talking.  I hate being this attached to him, but he was my life raft after me and Andrew split and we have a bit of a connection because of it.  I love him--not like Andrew, I'll never love anybody like I love Andrew--and I need him back.  I just don't want anything to happen to him/I don't want him to do anything incredibly stupid like last time.  I am just so worried about what is keeping him from talking to me right now.  I hope he isn't falling again because this life raft only has so much rope to give him and letting him go is just too much to ask me to do without a serious fight.  I feel strangely tied to Ben.  I have known him for so long and we have become so close over the past year.  We tell each other everything, even things we tell no one else and it is scary to think about losing him, especially losing him to himself and his own stupidity.  I trust him with my life and with my heart and I feel like I need him to survive because if he doesn't, then I won't either.  It is a strange sensation.

Well that is all I have for now.  I will keep you updated on the Andrew situation as it progresses.

23)

Hehehe...my bad...I deserted you yet again.  However, this time I have really good excuses!  I have been so very swamped lately!  At the beginning of the month, I went to Vegas with my sister for Little Joe's wedding, then I was supper absorbed in finalizing my plans to move to Tucson and register for all my classes, then I have been trying to get financial assistance--a work in progress--, and finally, I actually moved to Tucson, started classes, and started working.  See what I mean about having been swamped?!

Now then, in order, I shall elaborate upon all the events that prevented me from updating prior to now because I know you've just been dying to know **insert sarcastic me here**.

Vegas:  Caylin and I went to Vegas for our oldest second cousin's oldest son's wedding (hehehe...that sound's confusing).  Anyway, we call him Little Joe.  That is how he was introduced to us and that is who he will always remain, I don't care if he outgrew his parents.  It was kind of a slam-bam-thank-you-ma'am wedding, but it was cute nonetheless.  It was a wee bit irritating that we waited for the service to start for more time than the service itself took.  They wrote their own vows...it was adorable.  She was hilarious because second's before she began, she announced that she cheated and wrote her vows down while he was frantically memorizing his.  Caylin and I couldn't for the life of us find the stupid chapel before the wedding.  All we knew was that it was near the Stratosphere.  We parked at the Stratosphere and began walking around, frantically calling our Great Auntie Marion who didn't pick up until about the tenth time we called.  Luckily, she and Great Uncle Joe were running late as well and they found us on a corner looking totally lost and drove us the rest of the way to the wedding.  None of us had eaten and were really looking forward to the reception because we figured there would at least be a large cake we could munch on to tide us over.  What did they have?  A plate of fruit, cheese and crackers and then a small tower of  TINY cupcakes...we were a tad upset, but willing to cope.  It was a strange reception mostly consisting of her family who did not feel obliged to talk to us or even tell us who the heck they were.  We were pretty much divided into two factions: her family and our family and we didn't mingle.  Our family excused ourselves from their cramped hotel room with a serious lack of seating to the hallway where we sat on the ground and sent the youngest child back and forth for the delicious, albeit minuscule, cupcakes.  The wedding was the reason we were in Vegas, but the night before was my first one ever and it started off with a bang!  Caylin and I got in at around seven that Friday night and checked into the hotel--we stayed at the Excalibur.  Our room was kinda small and a bit tacky, but we were only planning on sleeping there so it wasn't a huge deal and we didn't really care.  That night, after we got all settled, Caylin and I decided we wanted to go to Margaritaville for a drink.  It was the best and most expensive margaritas of my life.  When we got back to the hotel, there was a huge line for the elevator and because it was our first night in the hotel, we didn't think anything of it.  However, after about five minutes of waiting to get into the elevator, the Las Vegas Fire Department came out of them.  Caylin, being her, said, "I bet they came from our room."  we laughed it off and then barged our way to the front of the line for the elevators.  (On a side note, the fire fighters in Vegas are freaking delicious!  I wanted to jump a few of them...not exaggerating....I actually debated the pros and cons of doing so.)  Anyways...we got up to our floor and what greets us?  A bunch of fire fighters and hotel maintenance standing outside of where our room should approximately be.  At that point, we began laughing hysterically because Caylin's previous statement was becoming less and less of a joke.  A police officer came toward us as we made our way down the hall and we asked him what room the fire was in.  He asked us what room we were in and after our answer said he thought the fire was in the room next to us, but he wasn't sure.  Now the panic began to set in a bit.  The fire turned out to be in the room next to ours, but our room was completely flooded.  This would have been absolutely horrible had Caylin and I followed our normal tendency of throwing all our stuff on the floor surrounding our beds, but this time we had pulled everything up and put them on any hard surface available, which was fantastic because we both brought our computers.  The firefighters laughed at us as we giggled while wading through the lake that used to be our carpeted floor and grabbed all our stuff as quickly as we could.  After we glanced back longingly at the delectable firemen, we went to the front desk to get a new room.  They tried to put us on the fifth floor in the smoking tower, yes tower, which would have been just as tacky as our previous room but would also reek of smoke.  Caylin, however, in her infinite wisdom, told the man helping us that she couldn't be in the smoking tower because she has asthma--not a verified fact.  We were then placed on the top floor of the smoking tower because they had no rooms available in the non-smoking tower.  The new room was B-E-A-UTIFUL!!!  We ended up getting a free upgrade.  The sheets were amazingly soft, the bathroom was gorgeous and the view was spectacular!  We actually had a pretty good view of The Strip and the hotel's pools.  And that was my first night in Vegas.  The next day, we slept in, had lunch with the family, and went to the wedding which I already explain.  After we left the "reception"  Caylin and I walked down to Paris Casino where we decided to play the penny slots.  We started out putting twenty dollars in the machine.  Caylin lost about fifty cents and I won seven.  After that we switched to the nickel slots.  Again Caylin lost money.  I hit a mysterious button, it took fifty cents and then the wheel thingys just kept turning.  It said I had ten free turns...I don't know how I got them.  At the end of the possessed machine's episode, it informed me that I had won 5850 credits, which meant nothing to me.  Then the credits started turning into money...that meant a lot to me.  I won three hundred three dollars and fifty cents on the nickel slots after which I promptly cashed out and changed my ticket out for money.  I gave Caylin twenty bucks because for some reason I felt guilty that she had lost while I had won so much, then I bought us both these huge drinks in an Eiffel Tower cup thingy.  The following day, we had breakfast--I paid--and checked out to go home.  I still had two hundred dollars left of my winnings.  It was a very exciting trip!  I have decided that I like Vegas very much.

Sorry that was so lengthy and not in chronological order.  Onto the school stuff.  It took me forever to register for classes!  I was going to take two online, but they both were only offered through the outreach college which was a hassle I wasn't willing to contend with.  One of the classes was then offered through the main college and I therefore jumped right on it.  The other refrained from such a course of action so I decided it was time to jump ship on that one.  I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get into a class that I needed for my History major because the adviser told me all the sections were full, but then, one day while I was looking at classes for upper division history, I saw the coveted green circle by this class.  There was one seat open and I'd be damned if someone else was going to get it.  I snatched it up supper fast!  I tried to register for two English classes for my English major--because as an undergraduate, Literature isn't offered as a major--but both said that I needed adviser approval.  I was late for my first adviser meeting because I got lost and so I had to reschedule it to the same day that Adam and I were going to sign our lease...big day!  It turns out that she used one of my transfer credits for one of the classes I was trying to get into and that the other class is a prerequisite for basically all of the other English courses I need to complete the major, so I got approved for that one and was able to sign up for it a week before school.  Instead of taking the abandoned online history course, I added a class on the French Enlightenment mostly because of where the building was positioned honestly.  I have completed the first week of classes and have decided that they are all acceptable and that I will be able to handle the one teacher who is an advocate of group work and that the other two are just too adorable to dislike.  The financial aid is presenting a bit of a problem for me at this point.  I got one federal student loan, but it isn't enough to cover all of my tuition.  My parents, for some inexplicable reason, were approved for the Parent PLUS loan, but they can't accept it and the school can't offer me more because they were approved.  I have tried to get a few private student loans, but I can't even get one for $3,000 which would be $1,500 a semester.  I need a cosigner, but my parents can't do it.  I am scared to ask Adam to help me, but I think that is my only option at this point.  It is really frelling depressing.  However, I am determined to think happy thoughts and am still attempting to convince myself that it will all work out well in the end.

Now, work.  I have worked about two weeks at the Creek now.  The people I work with are really nice and so are the people who shop there.  I am still learning the ropes and some of the women I work with kind of treat me like an idiot, but I'm new, so it's kind of to be expected.  I am still getting to know some of the ladies, but I pretty much already know that I am not a huge fan of three, maybe four of the ten or eleven that work there.  One is just kind of a nazi about her particular area of the store...not ok.  Two are just irritating, and the fourth...well the jury is still out on her--honestly one of the two irritating ones only really rubs me the wrong way on days when everything is really rubbing me the wrong way, so I suppose the jury is still out on her as well.  However, the work is alright, but the pay is crap, as are the hours so I am looking for another job, not necessarily a replacement job, but definitely a second job to help pay all the bills....I don't like being a big kid anymore.  It's great in theory, but in practice, I find it sorely lacking.  However, I did get a call today from Bare Minerals wanting to set up an in-person interview with me for the key holder position.  The woman I talked with was kind of turned off by the fact that I have classes on Tuesday/Thursday, but she said she may be able to work with that.  She loved that I had Key Holder experience and that I am already familiar with the line.  I am really hoping to get this job!  I am also really hoping that they can work with my class schedule so that I can be full-time.  If not, that's fine too, but I really need this job super fast.  I know that she didn't like that I was going to be out of town next weekend because of my plans to go to New Mexico with Genny and her family, but I already committed to this wedding and I said I was willing to come in whenever they need me for the training the next week.  I really, really want this job!!!!!!!  Pretty, pretty please let me get this job!

Other than all that, you haven't missed much in the life and times of Kerstin.  I still love him, I have inexplicable feelings for Ben and I am still not entirely sure how to classify our relationship, not that it matters to anyone other than me.  Oh, one new thing...Nate and I are now attempting to be friends...it's kind of weird, but nice all at the same time.  He even sent me a "happy birthday" facebook message which, let me tell you, threw me through a loop.  I'm not going to lie to you, when I saw that I had a message, I was hoping and praying that it was from boy I love, but that dream burst into flames and burned slowly into ashes, contributing heartily to my sour birthday mood.  I took the delusion that he would even call me on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday and when I took my phone out of my locker and saw that I had a voicemail, I let my heart hope it was him.  Was it?  Not even close.  Though, i did get a nice surprise on that one; it was Genny's grandma singing me "Happy Birthday"...i saved the message cause it was so freaking cute.  I still think about him far too much for it to be healthy and I still wish he still loved me and that he would come to his senses, show up on my doorstep and sweep me off my feet...but then I wake up and realize I don't actually live in a romance novel and that he is far too stubborn to ever come to his senses without several forms of torture coming into play.

Hmmm...I guess I just had to end on a rant...NO!  I will conclude this obnoxiously long entry with the fact that I am, thus far, rather enjoying living in Tucson.  It has rained a bunch, school is nice, I am making friends in a few of my classes, my books don't cost too much, and Adam is making living with him as nice as possible, though there are still times I want to punch him in the throat for no reason at all really, he just gets on my nerves sometimes and makes me uncomfortable other times...whatever, I live with a boy, uncomfortableness comes with the territory.

22

Hello loves...

I'm sorry I went AWOL there for a bit...I was a bad blogger. :-(

So, updates time!

I got the apartment in Tucson...it's official!  Adam and I went down on Saturday to put the deposit down and we were approved.  Awesome(!) right? It was until I told my mother.  Not even an hour later, she called me back to tell me that I need to get a car loan for $6,800 to buy Franny from them.  They were planning on just signing the title over to me and I would continue making payments to them every month and get my own car insurance.  I am fine with that plan.  However, my mom is so pissed that this move to Tucson is real now that she seems to be trying to sabotage it.  She knows damn well that I can't afford to get a loan and that I am still trying to find a way to pay for school.  Does she give a shit?  It would seem not.  I don't know if this is just her way of trying to get me to stay with her at the house or if she is trying to make me loathe her, but she sure is making it hard for me to attempt to maintain a good relationship with her.  My dad knows that I can't afford to get a loan and I can't afford to get a new car.  He, last we talked, just wanted to sign the car over to me and I would still make the payments to them because he knows I can't get a new car or get approved for a loan.  He and I have been through this over and over again.  Well, I tried again to apply for loans again, and again I was denied.  Another thing, I checked how much I still owe on Franny and it's only about $5,200--a little over that--so why the hell am I applying for loans for $6,800?  I am starting to see a future without a mother-daughter relationship in it for me.  I really hope I am not like this with my kids.

Another super fun thing that's going on in my life...I am waiting to hear back from Coldwater Creek in Tucson for a job.  The pay is shit and so are the hours, but at this point, I will take what I can get.  I am freaking the hell out because the manager is calling around for my references but she has only gotten hold of Pam, who gave me a sparkling reference--I LOVE HER.  I sent Debbie a message on Facebook and hopefully she will get it soon because I know she will make me look amazing as well.  I sent Gary a text asking him to call the manager and give her a reference for me, but I haven't heard back from him.  I need a job, at least two really and I don't have one yet.  I am freaking the hell out right now!!!!

Hmmmm...oh yes, I cried myself to sleep again the other night over him.  Why?  Great question!  I'm not entirely sure.  All I know is that I was thinking about him all day Sunday and the emotions completely drained me.  It was depression overload and I'm not sure what brought it on.  Maybe I had a dream about him and just don't remember it...I don't know.  All I know is that I was incredibly out of it all day.  I just went through the motions while he went through my brain.  I was so drained that day that I went to bed at nine thirty--I NEVER DO THAT--and I just started bawling.  Yesterday, the fun continued when I went over to his house so Adam could make a copy a movie for me.  I sat down and was talking to Amber and their dad, when dad decided it was a fantabulous time to ask if he was going to be bringing his girlfriend home with him in a few weeks when he's home on leave.  I FELT LIKE MY HEART WAS IN A DAMN VICE GRIP!!!!!!  Even Amber saw it and gave me a sympathetic smile.  I almost broke down crying on the short drive to my house from theirs!  I asked Ben to take my mind off it, but he just asked me a bunch of questions about him...not a great way to get someone's mind off a person, just in case you were wondering.  I have been on the verge of tears since Sunday and I don't think I am going to last much longer without another cry to sleep.  I still have to have my talk with his mother about what happened between us.  She was under the impression that I had broken up with him...not really.  I am interested to hear why he said we broke up and what his mom has to say to the fact that I am in love with him.  I really want to have this talk with her, but she hasn't been home when I come over lately and I haven't been able to wait for her.  Also, I finally said the words that I am in love with his little brother and we had a little chat about it.  It wasn't anything big, but it was progress so that's good.

Two things I am actually excited for are my meeting with my adviser next Friday and going to Vegas for the first time that same day.  I am excited about meeting with my adviser because I will hopefully get most if not all of my questions answered and hopefully she will be able to help me find a way to finance this whole thing.  I am excited about Vegas because...well, it's Vegas, who wouldn't be excited?!  I am going with my sister for my cousin's wedding.  I hope beyond hope that weekend goes amazingly well!  If it doesn't, the universe and I are going to have a serious little chatsy about messing with Kerstin's sanity and how utterly rude that is.  I may just burn another note for the universe to read soon.

I am seriously concerned that this move isn't going to work out well.  I need this to work out.  I need to be able to pay for everything I need.  At this point, who the hell cares what the apartment looks like as far as decorating goes, I just need the basics right now.  We can get the rest as we go.  I need to just let go of these grand delusions of everything being perfect.  This is going to be my first apartment...it's going to be pretty ugly.  This is going to be my first experience away from home...it's going to be hell on my sanity and my bank account.  I will make this work though.  I will get a loan--at least one--and then I will apply for scholarships next time...EARLY!, I will get at least one job--most likely two, honestly.  I will pay my rent and bills on time--well with a day to spare on either side.  I will not fail Adam!  This WILL work!!!!!

I can always use your advice, so bring it on!  Pass it on in anyway you can!  PLEASE!!!! Especially on the finances and on boy I love.

21)

If the people you love the most tell you enough times that you can't do something, you will inevitably start to believe it.  That is the current predicament I find myself in.  I can't even fathom explaining how much this hurts.  On a daily basis, I find myself questioning the one constant source of support I have had my entire life.  My family has always been there for me.  They have always loved me unconditionally, but now....  I just don't feel like that anymore.  I know they still love me, nothing can convince me otherwise.   However, is the support still there?  No, is the resounding answer I find I have to face.  My sister, the one person in the entire world who knows all my secrets, the one I go to when I am in trouble first, she has basically told me that she won't be there for me if I move to Tucson.  I hate this!  Why do I have to chose between letting her down and letting myself down?  She is so concerned with preventing me from feeling like I have failed when the Tucson move doesn't end well--which it probably won't because I'm not sure how compatible Adam and I will be as roommates.  Why then, through all of this concern, can't she see that if I don't do this, I will have already have failed horribly.  She may have forgotten, but I have already experienced this feeling of utter failure and acceptance of what I have to settle for.  My senior year of high school, I was accepted to the school of my dreams, Whittier--a liberal arts college in California.  My family told me there was no way I could go.  I felt like my heart had shattered.  My friends were my support system at that time.  They were outraged that my family had let me down, allowed me to believe that I wasn't good enough.  Actually Amber and her little brother, you know the one I am in love with, were the most vocal and pissed about it.  They encouraged me to try and do it anyways, but I had already accepted it as impossible.  They haven't forgotten that moment.  I haven't forgotten that moment, that feeling of utter and complete loneliness and failure.  It is something that sticks with you.  So now, with that feeling in mind and my newly acquired sense of self-sufficientcy--however brutally misguided it may be--I am determined to make this move work.  I will get a place with Adam.  I will get my degree and go to a great graduate school.  I will find at least one job.  I will be able to pay all my bills on time...or really close to on time.  I will succeed.  I will do whatever it takes to make this work...within reason, at least...I won't sell a kidney or any other part of me...don't worry about that.  I will keep my damned dignity!
 
This will work! 

I will not fail!

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest...

20

You know what's really funny?  I have been thinking that I was getting over you know who, but now I am kind of thinking that was a vicious lie I've been telling myself.  Sure, it's been a while since I cried myself to sleep over him, but that's not really a fair judge.  I go through these phases where I start to think I can basically purge him from my consciousness.  LIES!  It is so not true.  I love him and because of that fact, he will always be in my heart and on some part of my mind.  I realize that I just need to get to a place where I can ignore that part of my mind and maybe shrink the acreage down a bit.  I remember that I used to say that I was broken all the time, well now I am on the mend.  For the most part, I can look at a picture of him and my stomach is no longer tied in painful knots and my heart rate remains steady.  There are still those days when the part of him that is always on  my mind is going for some expansion of mental territory and I am right back where I was.  However, I can be happy for him now that he is in a new relationship.  I truly hope he is happy.  I am past the point where I want him to be miserable like I was.  I have been talking to pretty much all of my friends about it.  Caylin and I had a really good sisters talk on Tuesday about me and him.  Even she thinks that he really did love me and all the crap that happened after was mostly in response to my having hurt him.  Rachel and I had a fantastic talk about it last night as well.  She doesn't really know him--never met him, in fact--but she knows me and even she could see that I still love him.  I do hope that one day I will be able to, at the very least, kiss him--mmmmm....he has deliciously kissable lips.

Yet another reason I love my little talks with Rachel is because she is my only other virgin friend I can actually have in depth sex talks with.  I don't harbor any romantic notions about having to be in love with the guy I give my virginity to.  I do have to feel like I trust him and that we care about each other.  That's all.  I get that sex is a big deal, especially for women because we are taking the most risk every time we decide to have sex.  The guys don't have to worry about getting pregnant and derailing their entire lives.  Sure, if they are responsible, they will do everything in their power to become a responsible and loving father to that child and help take of and raise it.  I am not saying that the guy should drop every thing he has ever wanted, marry the girl he knocked up and live a very likely miserable existence.  I don't think that a pregnancy between and unwed couple has to result in a marriage.  A child should not be the reason two people get married!  It will not be a happy marriage and that kid is going to probably get really messed up psychologically.  I think the pregnancy period should act as a sort of dry run for a marriage.  If the two people in question do love each other and they can survive the emotional roller coaster that is a woman's hormones during pregnancy and the birth of their child...and they still love each other, then they should think about getting married.  It should not be one of those, "Hey, I'm pregnant.' 'Well then I guess we should get married." things.

Sorry, that was an uber tangent I wasn't intending to follow.  Well...here is another one, though smaller.

Another thing Rach and I talked about last night was that one of our old super close friends has said that love is the most selfish thing you can do and that you do it because it makes you feel good.  BULLSHIT!!  Love is the most unselfish thing in the world, at least the version of it I believe in is.  In my version, you are willing to let the other person go if you think that's what is best for them and you don't hold onto them just because they make you feel good.  My version doesn't mean that you live your life for another person, but it does mean that the other person is a big factor in your decisions.  In my version, you think about what the other person wants when you go shopping for groceries.  I remember in one of my conversations with him, he asked me if he should re-up in the Army.  He said that he wouldn't do it if I didn't want him to, which was really sweet of him to think of me when he was trying to make this huge decision.  I told him that he should do it if it would be what would make him happy because that was all I really wanted.  If he was happy than so was I.  I know that sounds like a horribly stupid cliche, but that is what it felt like.  I think that is love.  When you are tied to the other person and you want them to be happy because if they are happy than you can be too.  I, of course, didn't want him to re-up because I wanted him with me, but I also didn't want to be the reason he didn't do something that he really wanted to do because I knew that if we were to have had a long term relationship, that would have lead to it's death.  I loved him enough to be away from him for a longer time than necessary and he loved me enough to include my feelings in his decision--which inevitably landed on the side of not re-upping *insert heart leaping for joy*.  I still want to kiss him for that.  Who am I kidding?  I just want to kiss him. ;-)

Ok, now we are going to cover some territory I don't think we have before.  I am tired of my virginity!  That is not to say that I will just give it up to the next guy I see.  I would, however, be willing to sleep with Ben or him, or even John, who you were never introduced to before and he isn't even remotely in the picture now, but the boy was a walking turn on nonetheless.  Now then, Ben and I have this silly plan that after I get all settled down in Tucson and we both get some money, we will meet in Vegas for a weekend and the only rule is that we are not allowed to get married.  There was no rule, however, that we couldn't sleep together.  Don't get me wrong, that would not be the point of this weekend get together and I am kind of doubting that it will actually happen anyways, but if we do end up meeting in Vegas and we do end up sleeping together, well than so be it.  I seriously doubt it will be something I regret.  I do trust him and I do care about him, it isn't even remotely love, but I think it would be nice and he knows I am a virgin so I am sure he would be careful not to like murder me, metaphorically speaking.  Sleeping with the love of my life would be another awesome plan to put into action, obviously not while he is in another relationship.  Now, with him, I know he would take care of me...I think he would be a lot of fun.  Rach and I were talking about it last night and we both decided that after we have sex for the first time, we are probably going to go through a sexual revolution of some kind that will include a personality change and I think we will probably be more comfortable in our own skin.  It is an exciting prospect.

Well...I guess it is pretty obvious where my mind has been lately...

...hehehehe. ;-)

19)

Prepare yourself now...this is going to be a rant post...

GRRRRRRR!!!!!  I am getting really pissed at U of A.  They sent me a letter telling me that they have yet to receive my transcripts from SCC.  BULLSHIT!  I have sent them twice.  On the My UA page, which I use to check the status of my application, it said that my transcripts were received April 12, 2010 and that they were being processed.  When I called yesterday, however, they had no record of that happening and the guy I talked to the second time I called said that there was no way they would still be processing those ones.  They are apparently working on processing applications sent May 17, 2010.  I was told to call back in a week and a half.  This is total bullshit!  I am officially worried about attending U of A if this is how they handle their business!  Either the people in the Admissions office need to get together with the people who handle the My UA page or they need to pull their heads out of their asses and actually help me out and give me some damn information!  Two choices.  Either way would work for me.

On another stressful note, I got a photo radar ticket last week.  This time it wasn't for speeding though.  Apparently, I turned on a red.  I maintain that the light was still yellow when I turned.  Hopefully, it doesn't go through, but I seriously doubt it.  My luck is non-existent so it definitely went through and it will come in the mail two weeks after the incident.  This makes it even worse!  That means that my parents are going to get this frelling ticket right before they leave for California!  What a great way to kick off that vacation!!!  I am terrified about what they will do when they get it!!!  I would love to intercept it, but I work during the day and my mom works from home and always gets the mail.  She is going to get it.  I am going to be grounded.  They will take away Franny.  They are going to be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo mad at me!  I hate disappointing them and that is exactly what I am going to be doing...again.  I feel like a total crumb!  Had I just gone down Shea instead of Scottsdale, this wouldn't have ever happened, but NO!  I was dumb.  i shouldn't have turned and now I am going to have to pay for it.  My parents are going to KILL me!  I am so screwed!  I am going to be freaking out until the shit hits the fan.  I will continue to cross my fingers that it never comes, but it will and I will be screwed.  It's hard to think positive when you know it just won't work out for you in the end.  I don't have that kind of luck.

Yours until my parents get that ticket,
K

18

I think I may actually be moving on finally!  I can finally look at a picture of him and not feel physical pain!  I can hear his name and not cringe because my stomach is tied in knots.  I can even talk about him!  Do you have any idea how incredibly happy this makes me?!  I may be a little more free from him now.  We will see what happens when I next see him.  Maybe all this will go away and I will be right back to where I was, but, for now, I am proud of my progress!  I am even being really nice to his best friend, Nate, who reminds me of him a bunch.  Nate and I had this thing where we were both horrible to each other and neither of us knew why exactly.  We had a talk about it one day while we were drinking and discovered that neither of us hated the other, much to our collective surprise.  We even joked with each other for the rest of the night.  Oh!  The best part was that we talked a little about his best friend and how I couldn't hate him even if I tried and how it wasn't just because that was his personality and everyone did it, it went deeper.  Who knows maybe one day I will tell Nate that I love his best friend...doubtful, but hey at least one of them will know.

I am still waiting to hear back from U of A.  It's a wee bit infuriating and stressful--and by "wee bit" I mean "pull your hair out".  I need them to send my acceptance letter and let me know if they will be giving me some financial aid so that I can plan ahead.  I need to get back to the apartment complex I will be living in and let them know what my income will be.  I also need to find a job down there.  Moving is so stressful!!!!!  At least I have a couch now!  That is exciting!  It has the worst fabric I have ever seen, but that is what they made slip covers for.  I also have two white end tables.  I want to make them into an art project of some kind.  I definitely want to paint them!  I am thinking of doing the legs in black and then maybe have all my friends write on the top in a bunch of different colors little memories and stories about us or maybe just doing a splatter pain design in a bunch of fun colors.  All I know for sure is that I will be putting a glass top on them to protect them.  I think we are going to get some bean bags and hopefully a love seat for the living room.  We still need dinning room furniture, which kind of sucks because that gets pretty expensive.  I just really hope that we can get into this place because I love it!!

OOOO....Beans was in town last week!  I love her!  We went out pretty much every night.  She had us go to this bar called the British Open Pub--guess what the theme of the place was.  It was a fantastic bar!  There were four military people in there when we walked in--delicious--they also had pool and darts, plus they make a great Vodka and Cranberry.  I had so much fun that night.  We went to see "The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo" which is an amazing and intense Swedish movie that I highly recommend.  We played Apples to Apples at 5 and Diner.  We also played Apples to Apples at Amber's boyfriend's apartment--by the way, I think I have been really good about him, I have only been mean to him when he is being an ass.  I decided that I have to go visit Katie (Beans) and her brother, David, sometime so they can show me around.  David said he loves to play tour guide so he will take me to Monterey and Big Sur.  I will have to start saving for this adventure!

In other news, I am once again talking to Ben.  He seems to be doing better, but he is still super lonely over there in Colorado.  I feel bad for him, but he isn't actually doing anything about it, so I can't give too much sympathy.  However, we did make a tentative plan to meet in Vegas after I get all settled and have some money down in Tucson.  I told him we weren't allowed to get married though.  Just thought I should cover some of the bases during the preliminary conversations about this trip.  I really hope we actually go on this trip though!  I will be very sad if it doesn't happen.  I don't know why, but Ben and I always end up working the topic of sex into our conversations.  We joke about it subtly.  We haven't ever just come out and said that we were ever going to have sex...I kind of doubt we will, have sex that is.  I'll be the first to admit that I do enjoy talking about it jokingly with him.  It's fun and it makes me feel a bit more feminine.  Hey, I'm 21 years old, I am allowed to talk about sex if I want with whomever I want.  Plus, I have been very good.  I haven't even been kissed in over a year--goodness, that's depressing.  I am still a virgin, which, ps, is getting kind of old already.  It's not like I am waiting for Mr. Right or for marriage, but I am waiting for someone who is worth it.  I have to know that it isn't just a one night stand.  I want to wake up in the morning and have him still be there...that would be nice.  I know it isn't going to be perfect and that the chances are that it won't even be that much fun, but, hey, you've got to start somewhere.  I don't regret being a virgin because the first time is important and painful and scary and forever.  It's not like you can get your virginity back.  (wow, that wasn't where I was expecting that paragraph to go.  oh well)

I guess that's all for today.  Have a lovely time of it all!  Till next time, don't do anything I wouldn't do.  ;-)

17)

Honestly, nothing is going on in my life as of late.  I keep dreaming about him.  It makes me want to punch inanimate objects.  I just wish I knew how to get over him.  I wish I knew how to make it stop hurting when I find out that he has found yet another girl to care deeply about.  I am tired of watching/hearing about him moving on while I stand in one place pining away for him.  It is disgusting and pathetic!

Anyways...I am determined to have an amazing summer!  This may be my last full-ish summer in Scottsdale.  I am going to a concert next week with my friends.  I will be going bowling more often now that the group has discovered that we all like it.  Maybe we will even go mini-golfing...oh the possibilities for this summer!!!  I am also determined to start exercising again.  I miss it!  Plus I miss being able to run a mile without stopping.  I want to be active again.  I have excess energy and my thinking is that maybe if I exercise, my body will learn it's lesson and knock off the whole lack of sleep thing.  Also, I don't want to feel too self-conscious in July when I go to California with my family.  AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!  I miss my blond hair!  I need to find a way to get rid of the dye without killing my hair!  I need to save up my money and talk to Dusty, the best hair stylist ever!  I will be blond again before I move to Tucson!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Beans is coming home next week!  I am so incredibly excited.  I cannot even ponder explaining why I am so happy about this!  I love this girl tremendously!  I miss her so very much.  She is my cuddle buddy!  I am not going to have any sleep for a week, but, hey, that's what coffee is for.   SOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED!

Alrighty then, that is all.  Have an enlightening day...or try to stay awake, whichever you choose.

16

Well I just made a huge mistake.  I just looked at you know who's facebook.  He has apparently found someone else.  I don't know why I expect anything less.  He doesn't talk to me anymore.  I doubt the ass even thinks of me.  OH MY GOODNESS!!!  He makes me so angry!!!!  I make me so angry!  Why can't I just get over the jack ass?!  I don't understand what exactly is holding me to him.  All he ever does in break my heart!  I need to let him go and I need to move on!  I don't know how much more of this I can take!  Sure, I love him, very much, but no love is worth this much pain.  I need it to end.  Hopefully, I will be able to make it till August when I move away.  I don't know what will happen if I can't.  I am officially refusing to talk to him.  I will no longer look at his facebook profile.  I can't take any more of this pain.  I am barely holding back the damn tears as it is.  I don't know what to do any more.  I need to leave him behind.  I need to disconnect him from the love and obligation I feel for his family.  Just because I cannot have him in my life, or even deal with him in my life, does not mean that I cannot handle loving his family still.

In other news, I officially graduated from Scottsdale Community.  Graduation was on Friday.  It was actually quite fun.  My parents, sister, Genny, and Rachel all came to cheer me on.  It was really sweet.  I made friends with the guy who sat next to me; his name was Salvador, I think, and he graduated with a certificate of completion for the culinary college.  The ceremony itself took forever!  Salvador and I just spent the time making fun of the ridiculousness of it all.  It was obvious that all of us graduates just wanted the stupid ceremony to consist of us walking up on stage to get our diplomas and then to leave, but no.  The ceremony lasted, two to three hours.  It was ridiculous!  After the ceremony, I got to see some of my favorite teachers, Dr. Klobas and Dr. Larrey.  I cannot attempt to explain just how much I loved these teachers!!  They are totally amazing and both of them gave me huge hugs.  It was awesome!!!!  I just hope a few of the teachers at U of A can live up to the standards those two wonderful and inspiring teachers have set.

OH!!!  Adam and I have discovered that we both like to bowl!  We went on his birthday and then we went the night after graduation.  The latter occasion was Cap and Gown Bowling Night!  It was so much fun!  Granted, we only lasted one game with the caps and gowns, but still, we wore them!  Only Caylin didn't wear one...which was kind of a bummer, but that is Caylin.  I decided that the next time we go bowling, it will be pajama night!  Who doesn't like theme bowling with a bunch of friends?!  It is so much fun!  Yes, one arm and its corresponding leg hurts in the morning, but, like Mama always says, "no pain, no gain."

Hahahahahaha..."no pain, no gain".  I suppose that can be applied to the predicament I am undergoing with the man I love.  Interesting, that I would have put that statement in there without first realizing the correlation--sorry, random thought, these things happen.

That is all for now my loves.  As you can kind of see, I am actually having a pretty good life right now if you exclude him from your analysis.  In closing, some lyrics to a song I am in love with right now.

"Baby, I'm a fool who thinks it's cool to fall in love....Look me in the eye and tell me love is never based upon insanity....And I would never tell if you became a fool and fell in love."
-Melody Gardot "Baby I'm A Fool"

15)

Tomorrow is graduation.  I am no closer to figuring out the set up of the event than I was when I applied.  I don't know what the dress code is--which I realize is a silly thing to be worrying about, but I still am.  I am tempted to just wear jeans and a nice shirt.  It is just my Associates degree...  Don't get me wrong, I am very excited about getting it, but I don't think it is all that big of a deal.  Nobody in my family really cares about this anyways...they are all just humoring me.  It kind of makes me sad.  The only other people who are excited about it are the two who are graduating with me and Rachel.  I'm not going to lie, it kind of makes me sad that my family and other best friend don't care about this.

I am waiting to get my grade on the final for Literature and Film back.  I only needed ten of twenty points on it to maintain my A and I am pretty sure I got them, but I never know.  Overall, I haven't done as well as I would have liked this semester.  I only have two A's--assuming I got the ten points in Literature--and the rest were B's.  This is not something that normally happens to me.  I am the girl that feels like B's might as well be D's and C's...total failure.  I dropped my GPA by .2pts with my lack of attention to my grades this semester.  That is not alright with me!  I guess hindsight is 20/20.  Oh well, there isn't anything I can do about it now.  I just have to wait for all my grades to post so that I can send my final transcripts to U of A.  They keep asking me about my transcripts, but I sent them way back in March.  Hopefully, they will post on Friday so that I can send them out and get an acceptance letter.  I don't know what I would do if I don't get accepted.  I don't see how that would happen especially since with an Associates, I have guaranteed transfer to any in-state university and last I checked, Tucson was still in Arizona.

Let's see...other than all the school stuff, there really isn't anything going on.  Boy is dumb.  Beyond dumb, really.  He hasn't responded to my last message and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.  I am trying really hard not to be sad about it, but it isn't working out too well.  This whole love thing sucks ass so far.  I still have no idea how I would ever tell him that I love him.  As far as I can tell, I hurt him pretty bad, but who knows?  The boy has thrown me through a loop before.  I wish I knew what to expect.  As it stands now, my brain is betting against my heart that he will send me a "Happy Birthday" message in August.  Who knows, maybe things will get better by then...I doubt it, but like I said, I never know what to expect with that boy.  He makes me want to punch him in the throat, but even I know I would never be able to do it.  When it comes to him, its all about the impudent rage.  Oh well, I will get over it eventually.

Well...here is to brighter days, my lovelies.  Until next time.

14

It has been an interesting past few days.  Adam, Genny and I went to Tucson to look for apartments.  That went really well actually.  We fell in love with the first place we went.  It is wonderful!!!!  It is a two bedroom, two bathroom flat with 1258 sq ft.  It has a washer and dryer in the unit, a baby backyard, nice appliances, huge closets, a wet bar, and a kind of split floor plan--the rooms are down the hall from one another.  The second we walked into this place, I knew we should live there!  I really hope that we get approved!  We will be able to make it work, if we can get in the door.  I have to call them back in June to see if they have any pre-leasing specials for August.  I would very much like to get in the first week of August so that we can get all settled in before school starts.  That's another thing!  I haven't heard from U of A yet as to whether or not I was accepted...that is kind of freaking me out.  I need to officially know if I will have a school to go to so that I can have a place to live in the area of the school.  Makes sense, right?  I thought so too. 

OOOOOOOO!!!!  So...boy I am in love with and I have been having a mini conversation on Facebook lately.  In it, I am trying to feel him out to see if I can tell him that I have loved him since the eighth grade without him hating me.  He did call me sweetheart in one post.  I am pretty sure I have already mentioned that, but that shows just how much I am holding onto that little glimmer of hope.  Granted, his "sweetheart" comment did come after I had called him "love" in the Happy Birthday message and "honey" in the we all want a rocket launcher one.  It could have been a totally innocent response to those, but I really don't want it to be that innocent!!!!!  I want to tell him that I love him.  I want to explain why we broke up.  I want to know why he thinks we broke up.  Mostly, I just want to see him again, know he is safe and at the very least hug him.  I miss the contact high I would get every time he touched me.  It was delicious.  I don't know if you have ever experienced something like that, but it sends warm shivers down my spine and warms me down to my toes.  His voice can do the same thing to me.  I love it...when I am not busy hating it because he is back to not touching me and he doesn't ever call.  I am just happy he is keeping the Facebook message conversation going.  I did ask him if it would bother him if Adam and I moved in together when we move to Tucson.  He said it wouldn't and that I was strange for asking.  That lead us onto a whole different topic, the one in which I am trying to discover whether or not he will let me tell him what happened.  It is showing some promising signs, but, with him, I never know what is going to happen.  I told him that I "am not going to force a conversation on him that he doesn't want no matter the topic of how much it needed said."  He responded with something along the lines of, "if it need to be said than maybe it is what I need to hear," and then he asked me about the weather.  Really?!  Check the weather channel!  The boy is trying to send me to an early grave!

Other than that, I only have one more final to take before my time at SCC comes to an end.  I don't even care what I get on it.  As it stands, I have already gotten three B's this semester.  Normally, I am not alright with getting B's, but because I didn't actually want to take any of these classes, I haven't found the necessary energy to care what I get in these classes.  I was a little taken aback when I found out how poorly I did on the last Geology lecture test and that it landed me with only a B, but I don't care enough to take the final to try and get an A.  As for Literature and Film...I wasn't too impressed with that class.  I liked the reading that we did--Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and To Kill a Mockingbird--but the teaching style didn't sit well with me.  It was all group activities...I don't like working in groups.  The teacher was funny and adorable.  I liked her, just not her methods.  Anyways, I have about a seven point cushion on the final because of all the bonus points I have gotten.  They will come in handy, I think.  I am not motivated to worry about this test.  Oh well.  What happens, happens.

Until next time, my lovelies.  I hope all goes splendidly in the meantime!

13)

Last night completely sucked!  I went over to Caylin's apartment with her to help finish cleaning and let her know if I think she would pass the walk through.  Well, her former roommate and now apparent arch enemy, Chelsea, showed up.  This made Caylin's night absolutely horrible and she was acting like a bitch to Chelsea and completely ignored her.  I wasn't going to be rude when she spoke directly to me.  I answered her questions politely, but I didn't go out of my way to include her in a conversation.  Mostly, I spent the time talking to Jessica, Caylin's other former roommate, while I helped her clean her bathroom...which was filthy, by the way.  Caylin was, for some reason, in her bathroom cleaning, but I had cleaned it the day before, so I was helping Jess.  Because I was being courteous to Chelsea, Caylin got really mad at me.  She apparently felt betrayed, like I was taking Chelsea's side, which was so not the case.  I don't know Chelsea's side and I don't care too.  However, I cannot justify being a total bitch to someone while we are all in the same tiny room cleaning.  Yes, I was upset with Chelsea for not having helped at all with the extensive cleaning we did, but it's not my place to be pissed about.  I wasn't a roommate, I was just helping my sister get her money back.  Honestly, I didn't know what to do.  I was always told to be polite to people even if you don't really like them.  She was talking directly to me, so I answered her questions nicely and went back to talking to Jessica.  Caylin left in a huff to go and get face plates for the outlets that were missing one.  I asked her if she wanted me to stay and help finish clean and she said she didn't care and slammed the door behind her.  Apparently, she called my parents crying.  Well, I got a voice mail from my dad yelling at me and telling me that I yet again let my sister down.  I was officially confused.  I let my sister down by being polite and helping the roommate she likes clean her bathroom?  How is that possible?  Evidently, being courteous to the enemy while we are stuck together in the tiny bathroom, is betraying my sister.  Good to know.  I wasn't becoming best friends with Chelsea; I was barely even talking to her.  We were all laughing at things Jessica said, she is a very funny girl!

Well, when I got home, my parents yelled at me for letting Caylin down.  They didn't even let me explain.  they didn't get my side of what happened.  They just laid into me for using the frelling manners they taught me?  What the hell is that?!  Bullshit, that's what.  After being sent to my room, my dad came in to yell at me some more, but he at least let me talk and say a little bit of my side.  The more he let me talk, the less steam he seemed to have to yell at me.  I am so tired of this whole Caylin runs to mom and dad to bitch about some thing I did without even breaching the topic with me first and then my parents start WW3 with me!  They need to either get both sides of the story before blowing a gasket or butt the hell out.  Caylin needs to learn to settle her own arguments without interference from the parents.  It is really immature that she can't seem to settle anything without mom and dad stepping in, at least not with me.  She doesn't talk to me about any of her problems with me before she runs to them.  IT IS FRELLING BULLSHIT!

After my dad left my room, I got online and checked my facebook, of course.  I had a new message from him.  We have been having a mini conversation again because his birthday was on Sunday and I sent him a happy birthday message and told him to play with a rocket launcher.  I also called him love in the first message.  He said he would love to play with a rocket launcher to which I replied "honey, we all want to play with a rocket launcher," and told him that if he gets me one I would get him one.  His response was that axes and knives were fine, but if I had a rocket launcher, I would get arrested...he also called me sweetheart!  I know I am very likely making way more of that than I should reasonably be, but when I read that, my heart basically jumped out of my chest and did cartwheels on the ceiling!  Basically the second I read the word "sweetheart" in his response, my brain went to the "maybe there is a chance the love isn't dead" place.  I know that is a very dangerous place for me to go, but I couldn't stop it.  I love him so much it hurts.  I want him in my life again and I want to be with him.  I want so much for things to work out between us, it is probably driving me to insanity.  He is the only person in the world that has this kind of a hold on my brain and my heart and let's face it, my heart pretty much rules my brain.  However, with him, my brain and my heart seem to be fond allies...it isn't something I am used to.  I am, yet again, a little happier in love.  Hopefully this lasts and hopefully we keep the lines of communication opening.  I love him enough to wait for him to pull his head out of his ass and hopefully we will get to try again.  I don't want to live with the regret of this failed love for the rest of my life.  Holding it inside--that I love him--is breaking my heart.  I need to tell him, but I am terrified to.  What if he doesn't accept me?  What if it makes him hate me?  What if I lose him forever?  Well...at least he would know how I feel.  I guess that is really all I can ask for now.  I wonder how long I will be able to hold on to this "sweetheart" thing?  Hopefully, he won't kill it too quickly.

I will officially, forever love his mother!  I was talking to her on facebook, as per usual, after the fight with my parents and she made me feel so much better.  I love talking to her!  I feel bad that her own kids apparently don't talk to her as much as I do.  I keep her up to date on my life like I do with my own mom.  Her kids seem to be keeping her in the dark.  I don't know what I would do without some of her advice!  She has saved my brain quite a few times and I will always love her for that!  She is an absolute treasure and I can't believe her own children don't tell her more.  I was the one to tell her that Adam and I are moving in together and that Amber and Jeremy are going to be living together.  That is NOT alright!  I am not her child, they are.  Why was this never discussed?  Why wasn't her advice asked for?  She gives pretty good advice.  It makes me sad when I realize that not everybody has such a relationship with their parents.  I like talking to mine about anything I want.  They give good advice too.  Parents have more experience than we do...why not take advantage of that?

I hope my happy mood can be maintained for at least the rest of the day.  I also hope that you find your happy mood and hold onto it tightly! :-)

12

It is the last day of April.  May is literally a few hours away.  I am honestly not entirely sure how I feel about that.  I graduate with my Associates of Art in 14 days...kind of weird to think about.  I haven't gotten an acceptance letter from either U of A or ASU.  This is not to say that I am worried about either.  I have an awesome GPA and I am getting my AA which guarantees my admission to an in-state university.  I am almost completely out of my comfort zone here!  This is really weird for me!

On Wednesday,  Genny, Adam and I are going down to Tucson to look for apartments. Genny isn't going to be living with us, but she is my best friend and I want her to like where I live as much as I do.  Another reason I am taking her is because she will think to ask about the things I don't.  Plus, she is feeling left out these days because Adam and I are moving in together and that was always her and my plan.  I feel bad that I am going to be living with someone other than her for my first time out on my own.  I know that she and I would be great roommates, but I don't have the same confidence in me and Adam as roomies.  Maybe, part of that is because he is a boy and he used to (or possibly still does--though I really hope not) have a crush on me.  Another part of it, is because he is the brother of the guy I am in love with.  Perhaps, further still is that I am trying to get away from reminders of him and then I am moving in with his brother...contradicting goals, I'm sure.

I adore Adam, I really do, but I am not sure how this is going to work out.  Our basic personalities don't really match up well.  He is clingy while I despise being clung to.  We are both indecisive...not a good combo under one roof; nothing will get done.  I don't like hoping that we have incompatible schedules so that we aren't home at the same time much.  I am really worried about living with him.  I don't want what happens with Caylin and her roommates to happen to me and Adam.  He is one of my best friends.  I know we are going to fight like cats and dogs and I think I am prepared for that.  It is one of the reasons I am so adamant about getting a split-floor plan 2x2 apartment for us. At least that way, I can retreat to my half of the apartment and get away from him for a little bit. 

I would really like a place with a fitness center, but that isn't a deal breaker.  I have to have a place with a washer and dryer in the unit and it should have ceiling fans and a microwave.  Other than that, I am not too picky.  I found a few places that meet my requirements and Rachel is going to take us around to see if we can find anymore.  I am also going to have her show us around campus so that we can get a feel for it.  I really don't want my first time on campus to be orientation--which Adam said I will have to attend.

I am really bummed to be leaving my family and Genny.  I have never lived anywhere else but at home, so I am really freaking out about having my own place.  It is going to be a serious adjustment and I hope one that I can make with relative ease.  I just am terrified that I am going to fall on my ass and have to move back home.  That is something that will break me completely, especially since my failure won't just affect me, but Adam as well.  He says that we will make it work no matter what and I just wonder how.  I don't know what to do and I don't know what is going to happen.  I just hope that I will be happy in Tucson and that I can come home to see my family on a regular basis.  I hope that I find a good job that gives me lots of hours and enough money so that I can survive.  I also hope beyond reason that I will get financing for this venture and I pray that it will be in the form of grants instead of loans.  I really don't want to do loans, but if that is what it takes, then I will do what I have to do to make this happen.

I think that this experience will make me more independent.  I need to stop relying on every one else to pick up my slack.  My family has always been there for me and they have always been the ones to pick me up after every fall.  I won't have that safety net anymore.  I have to find car insurance and continue to make payments on Franny to my parents.  Since I lost my Ulta job, they told me that my payments were suspended until they were sure I could afford it.  It makes me feel like crap when I can't afford to pay them...like I couldn't this month.  I can't wait to pick up more hours here at the apartments!!!!  It is really bad when I don't even have enough juice to worry about my grades like I normally do!  I took a test in Geology lab yesterday and I haven't even given it a second thought!  NOT NORMAL!

Well...something that is normal...he is still on my brain all the time.  I even had a dream the other night that he and I were kind of together, but not openly.  He ended up getting me pregnant and then somehow tricked me into marring him in Vegas.  Then he and I had this huge fight because I said that I wanted and annulment.  I didn't want him to feel like he had to marry me just because he had gotten me pregnant.  I ended up telling him that we could be together still, but that I didn't want to be married to him.  Then I made him a deal: if he could survive living with me during the pregnancy and the first year of our child's life, then I would gladly marry him again, but either way I was going to get my annulment.  He caved eventually.  It was a very strange dream.  It wasn't the first or the latest dream I have had in which he and I were dating in secret.  I don't understand these dreams and they are seriously messing with my head.  I am worried--likely irrationally so--that he will come down to Tucson and I will have to see him because I am living with his brother.  I keep thinking that he will end up staying with me and Adam and it is terrifying me!  I don't think I could handle that.  Having him sleeping in the other room of my apartment...holy crap!!!!!!!!  Talk about messing with my head!

In yet other news, I picked up my cap and gown for graduation yesterday!!!  I even got this red cord that says that I have a GPA of 3.6-3.9!  It is exciting!!!!!  I must say though, I hate the color of the gown--bright yellow...and I mean BRIGHT yellow.  How will people pull this off?!  Picture this, if you dare, BRIGHT yellow cap and gown, dark green and yellow tassel, with a red cord...sexy, I know.  You are jealous.  Its ok, I would be too, but I already get to wear it.

That is all for now.  Send me happy thoughts so that I may become less freaked out!  PLEASE!!!!

11)

So...I have some of the best friends ever!  They make me happy.  Especially, my best friend, Genny.  She lets me bitch to her about everything and anything under the sun.  Granted her listening skills...not so great sometimes, but she is an angel otherwise.  For instance, not only is she going to be coming to my graduation in May, but she is also going to go down to Tucson with me to look for an apartment.  ANGEL!!!!!  It makes me feel really bad that we haven't been spending much time together lately.  We have just been so very busy.  I have been helping Caylin move lately--its almost done, thank goodness!  She has been working a schedule that is incongruent with mine.  Its not been fun.  My other amazing friend is, Rachel, who sent me a bunch of information regarding Tucson and I love her for it!

On to another topic.  Hmmmm...boys are weird.  I have been reconnecting with another of my "ex-boyfriends"--I put that in quotes because we never went out on a real date, but we were "together" three separate times in three years.  Ben is his name.  He is another one that never kissed me...ever.  I have known him since the fifth grade.  We were always pretty close and always super flirty, but we were also excruciatingly shy.  Now, he lives in Colorado and he started talking to me again because he and his girlfriend of three years broke up.  She was kind of a bitch, not gonna lie.  I don't even know what her name was...but I really don't like her.  Ben is my friend now.  I talked him through the break up and have talked him through many a depressed night since.  We are close again, which is nice.  He just gets kind of weird sometimes when we talk.   Pretty much every time we talk lately, we start to reminisce about the three years we were together intermittently.  He keeps saying how dumb he was to have never kissed me and I totally agree, he was dumb for that.   He also says that he hates how shy he was all the time.  We get kind of flirty sometimes, but I am not sure if he realizes it.  Don't get me wrong, I know that nothing will ever come from this.  As I keep saying, "Two broken people do not a whole make."  I like talking to him and I love being friends with him again, but nothing can happen between us.  I was just remembering the other day that in the eighth grade, you know who was in my house--basically my set of classes--and Ben was in House 6.  Ben and I started going together, I guess you can call it, though we never had an actual date because one or both of us was always in trouble.  Well, you know who decided that he was going to hate Ben and let me know all about it.  At the time, I didn't get it.  I was happy with Ben, so why pay attention to the guy who made fun of my legally blind best friend of the time, Ashley?  (Yes, that is how he and I met, he made fun of Ashley and I ripped him up onside and down the other...after that, he was the perfect gentleman around me.)

Other than that, my brain is, as always, thinking about the man who stole my heart and has yet to return it.  Ok, fine, he didn't steal it, I gave it to him, but still...and maybe I don't really want him to give it back.  I still love him.  As far as I know, he didn't cheat or lie, so I can't really justify cutting him totally out of my life.  I love him, so my heart won't let go even if he doesn't want me anymore.  I understand that I hurt him a lot when I told him he didn't love me, but he doesn't understand why I did it.  Because he never lets me explain, he may never get it.  We may never have another chance, which depresses me to no end.  I've gotta say, thus far in my experience, love sucks.  I really do wish he could understand what happened to me right before we broke up.  I also wish that he could still love me, if he ever did.  I would love to believe that he truly did love me, but the fact that he got engaged to another girl three months after we broke up keeps slapping me in the face.  His best friend, Nathan, said that he never loved her, but THEY WERE ENGAGED!!!  Who gets engaged without love?!!  It makes no sense!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So...yeah, that's what has been going through my brain these days.  I hope your brains have been calmer than mine.  Have a loverly day(s) until I get back.

10

Well...it's been a while, yet again.  I have been incredibly stressed lately.  The big stressor that was at the front of my mind most of the time was my computer class.  I thought when I signed up for it that because it was an online class, it would be easier than an in-person class.  I was wrong.  There was a ton of homework I had no interest in completing.  The tests were uber difficult.  I had no confidence that I would even be able to make a C in that class.  Well...that stress is now off my back because I sent and email to the teacher and asked him if I had at least gotten a C because I need this class to graduate...he said I got a B and was basically laughing at me via email.

Other than that, the other stress is coming from the impending move to Tucson.  I am totally freaking out about it.  I am freaking out not only because it is going to be a huge and major change--probably the biggest one I have yet to face--but I am also freaking out about it because of my family's not-so-joyous feelings about the move.  This is my choice though.  If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out.  I know my family will always let me come home if things don't work out.  I also know that they will give me crap if that ends up being the case, but that is what my family does.  It's how we show we care.  I am sick and tired of all the fights about my choice of schools.  U of A is a much better choice for my majors.  ASU...not known for its stellar History or Literature programs, which is fine.  I hold no grudges against ASU.  I have wanted to go to U of A for a few years now and so I am going to.  My sister is the most vocal and belligerent about my decision and I am done with it.  We are no longer allowed to talk about it.

To be quite honest, I am getting rather fed up with the amount of topics going on the "Do NOT Discuss...EVER" side of the list.  I can't talk to my mom about him because she practically blows a gasket every frelling time.  SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THE GUY...never even met.  It drives me up the wall.  How can you disapprove of someone so vehemently when you haven't ever met him?  It seems illogical.  I can't talk to either my parents or my sister about my impending move to Tucson.  I know they are all worried that it won't work out and that I won't be able to handle it, but knock it off.  I am 21 years old.  I think it is about time I break out on my own.  I need this.  I need this more than anything.  My house is a constant war zone these days.  Everybody is up in arms about something or another.  Most everything can be traced back to the fact that the bathroom remodel is going...nowhere fast and my sister moving back home--theoretically tomorrow, though we shall see if anything gets done.  I am tired of everyone telling me that I am not doing anything.  I am the one who is helping Caylin in any frelling way I can.  I pack up boxes, I deal with her bitching that something wasn't done right, I offer all the time I have--God forbid I want a night to do something fun, everyone acts as though I had cursed them with the plague for even suggesting it--I deal with my parents hounding me to get everything done on their schedule.  I have other things on my plate too!  Nobody even asks me if I have homework I need to be tending to!  It is bullshit!  I am living my life in the back seat and I am kind of done with it.  I just want to get my life in order.  I have things in this world that I want to do.  I have places I want to go and things I want to see.  I need to get out of Scottsdale!

Everyday, a little piece of me shuts off.  I feel like I need to be really independent right now and like I don't have anymore time to waste.  That is basically what I have been doing since I got out of high school.  I spent four years at a two-year college because it was comfortable and I was making it work.  I spent four years at a job I could barely stand because it was comfortable and they fired me for my troubles.  I am tired of being comfortable!  I need to shake the hell out of my life.  I need to get uncomfortable.  I need to take action.  So I will.

I have started looking for apartments in Tucson...there are some nice ones in my price range.  I kind of want to get a one bedroom and have Adam fend for himself because I don't know if I can handle living with him.  He drives me nuts when he gets all clingy.  I DON'T DO CLINGY!!!!!!  I just want to be left alone and not have to rely on someone else and I can't do that with a roommate.  I would probably feel really bad about doing that to him, but if it is something that will save my head from exploding, then maybe I should just do it and to hell with the consequences.  I am over living with other people. 

Plus, if I live with Adam, it will be a constant reminder of his little brother.  I can't handle that.  I need to get away from him.  I need to move on and how can I do that if I live with his older brother...can't.  Yes, I love him and yes, he is constantly in the back of my head, but I think that getting out of this city and going somewhere where I have no memories of him that these things will be muted and maybe I can have another relationship with someone new.  That would be nice.  I haven't pursued anything since he and I broke up.  Part of me always felt like I would be cheating on him if I did, which is ridiculous, I know.  He didn't have any problems moving on after we broke up, why should I?  I shouldn't and it is idiotic that I do!!!!!  Even I think it is pathetic.

I am also kind of fed up with having all the responsibility of this move ridding on me.  Adam hasn't once offered to look for a place to live, if we end up living together.  He isn't offering up any ideas about what day we can go down to Tucson to look around, see the school and find a place.  He was freaking out about it not being real enough for him.  Make it real you whiny little shit!!!!  I am feeling the same way!  Am just sitting on my ass doing nothing about it? NO!  I am being proactive!  I am looking for places to live.  I sent my high school transcripts--I still think it is dumb that the school wanted them in the first place, but whatever.  I am making plans to sit down with my parents this weekend and fill out the FAFSA forms so that I can hopefully get some financial aid, we all know I need it.  I am asking Rachel to help me with some information about Tucson, the jobs, the apartments, the school...stuff like that because she lives down there already.  I am just done with all the bullshit!

I am also super tired of this damn re-occurring dream about him.  I keep dreaming that we finally have it out and get into this huge screaming match about us.  I finally tell him I have loved him since the eighth grade and that he wasn't the only one that got hurt when we broke up.  I finally told him that I thought it was bullshit that we broke up at all when, if he really did love me than why the hell didn't he fight for me?  Why didn't he ask me why I told him he didn't really love me.  How he have not heard the desperation in my voice that night on the phone, yes the shithead told me he loved me via phone call?  BULLSHIT!!!!  I am so tired of replaying our last days over and over in my head.  It is invading my dreams.  I am already not in a happy place right now, pondering my one regret via dreamland...not helping with the pick-me-up!

In better news though, my best friend, Genny, and my uber close friend Rachel are going to be attending my graduation.  I am very excited about this fact.  Genny, as previously mentioned, was going to be in California with her family, but now the trip has been moved.  That also means that I might get to go to Coronado Island with her and her family, which would be a welcome vacation.

Other than all that, I really have nothing more to chatsie about.  I sincerely hope and truly wish that your days of late are going much better than mine have been.

9)

Well...life has basically returned to normal.  I still pine away for the one I will not have.  I still stress over tests--today was the first one for Literature and Film.  I still want to get out of Scottsdale, but not yet Arizona.  As much as it pains me to say it, I really do love this state.  Sure, its hot...all year round, but at least most of us are tanned or at least have the option to be.  I still fight with my sister over stupid things and then act as though nothing happened a few hours later.  I still worry about all the things I have no control over.  I still wonder  what might have been--for more than one topic, not just the one we all know.  I still wish desparately for things we all know I cannot have--a panda, for example. 

Some people say I am an idiot for writting in a blog where anyone can see it, but I disagree.  They say it has the incredible potential to come back and bite me in the ass one day.  Who knows? Maybe those people are right.  Honestly though, I don't really see how it can.  Pretty much everything on here is about him.  If he reads this all one day...well that will sure save me some breath.  So be it.  If this gets back to him, it gets back to him.  Congratulations Universe!  If it doesn't, well then at least it has helped me calm down a bit.  I always feel just a little bit better after I am finished with a post.  They say that writting down secrets, even if you never show it to anyone, will make you feel better.  Everybody stresses over secrects they keep locked inside and I am no exception. 

Before this, I would write down everything.  When that stopped working, I began to burn the secrets.  That helped for a while--kind of a cleansing, if you will.  However, that too ran its course.  When I saw my friend's blog, it inspired me to try it out myself because before that, I had never even considered it.  So, i tried it.  Go ahead and go back to my first post.  Read your way forward to this.  I have calmed down considerably.  It is remarkable what writting everything down has done for me.  I feel better.  No closer to forgetting him, of course, but that is probably to be expected.  I am fantastic at ruminating on things long after they have passed.  For instance, it has now been over a year since we broke up; do you think I am any closer to getting over him than I was a year ago? No? Shocker.

Another thing I have gotten off my chest today was that Adam and I have officially said that we are going to U of A to eachother.  Surprisingly, we have said it to many other people, but not once to eachother.  We have also decided that we are going to live together.  It will be easier for both of us I think.  We are best friends and we are super close--that is probably a bit redundant.  We obviously get along quite well and we know pretty much everything about the other.  There will, of course, be downsides to this.  Adam is his brother.  Don't get me wrong, I am not thinking that he will show up at Adam's and my place, but Adam can sometimes remind me of him.  It isn't anything he does conciously, mind you and he can generally see when it is happening and will try to get something else going through my head, which I love him for!  I can finally talk to Adam about his brother though.  I think that will be good.  Adam understands both of us for the most part.  He can help me work through it all.  It is difficult to predict how things will work out with Adam and I living together, but I really hope it goes well.  I need him.  He makes me feel better and he lets me rant without trying to fix it.  Plus he is really good about leaving me alone when I need it and forcing me into civilization when I need that.  I know it kind of sounds like Adam and I are in the begining stages of coupledom...we are not, nor will we ever be.  He is my best friend and I love him, but that is not the kind of love a romantic relationship is based on or the type that can transform into one that will lead to a romance between us.  It is that of two adults who know eachother's brains and how the other operates and can work well with that.  We are incredibly compatible friends, but we both know that is all we will ever be and we are good with that.  Plus, I am pretty sure he knows I am in love with his little brother and that is just not a line that can ever be crossed.

Hmmmm...what else.  Oh, Amber had her knee surgery on Friday!  She has to be in this machine for 8 hours a day that moves her knee to different angles at different speeds to work it out.  She calls it her torture device.  Her boyfriend is doting on her, though he still screws up every once and a while, but he is a boy and such things are to be expected ;-)  She walked without the use of her crutches down the hall yesterday after getting home from physical therapy.  I am very happy to see her doing so well!!  She is really lapping up all the attention...it is kinda hilarious and I love it.  Of course, I am giving her plenty of attention too.  I brought her yummy chocolates and a few movies and a book.  She is one of my closest friends!  Loves her!!!!  :-)  Hopefully, she continues to heal super, super well and fast!  Then I can focus on her mother!  Amber and Adam's mom causes me lots of worry too.  She has her fair share of medical problems.  It isn't fair that this family should go through so much!  She constantly worries about her baby boy being in Iraq--yes, him--plus she has problems with her job because they are being jerks about her missing work for medical reasons (which is total crap!).  I wish there was something more I could do to help them out.

Well...that is all I have for today.  I have to get my computer back to Adam so he can make her run like she did when I first got her six years ago.  I am excited about it!!!  Live life happily and to the fullest!!!!!

8

Welcome to April my loves. I'm sorry it has been so long. I had another entry prepared last week, but my computer didn't want to have internet at my job. It was basically just a rant about getting fired from Ulta over something as silly as missed punches.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still not entirely thrilled with it, but I think it may have been the best thing for me. It has sort of acted as a catalyst for me to get off my ass and get my life moving in a direction...any direction. I felt like I was going nowhere, accomplishing nothing and that I would never do either because I was entirely too comfortable with my life. I needed something to shake me up and get me out of that comfort zone. Getting fired...well it worked! I finally applied to the University of Arizona and Arizona State. I just need to find a way to finance U of A. That would be my first choice. I feel like I need to get out of Scottsdale to make this all work.  I also think it will help me move on...relationship wise.  Everything here reminds me of him.  I want to go somewhere new, where things don't make me think of him.  I feel bad because my parents really want me to stay at home and live there while I go to school, but everything in me is screaming that I need to get out and live my own life.  I need to get out on my own.  I need to move forward with my life and I need to do it fairly soon!!!!!

In other news, I had a mini conversation with him via Facebook messages the other day.  It wasn't really a big deal or anything life altering, but it was good to see he hasn't totally cut me out of his life--not that such an extraction would ever be possible considering my  relationship with his entire immediate family.  The reason for this mini conversation was because I had a mini blip of a dream in which he got hit my a car.  Because of the intensity of this dream and its vividness, I sent him a message to see if he was alright.  He is.  He is apparently going to Baghdad in a week or so.

Also in other news...I have been introduced to "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" via Jamie at our first girl's night in her new place.  It is hilarious and I love it.  I also have the soundtrack on my iPod...making me a very happy panda!!!  I have also finally seen all of the High School Musical movies.  Not that this is exceptionally noteworthy, but alas, I have noted it.  Don't get me wrong, I doubt i would ever buy one of these movies, but they are strangely entertaining in a "Oh my goodness...why are they doing these dance moves?" kind of way.  I probably wouldn't change the channel if the movies came on, but I have always been weird--that's why people love me.  Hmmmmmmm...what else?

OOOOOOO....theoretical living arrangements for U of A.  Adam is now going to most likely be going to U of A with me.  Amber definitely is going.  However, Amber is going to be living with her boyfriend, Jeremy.  I am not his biggest fan.  I don't hate the guy, he seems nice, but I am definitely not cheering for a marriage in the future.  She can do so much better, but she doesn't seem to see that.  It is her life and I know I don't really have any business judging her relationship so harshly, but part of me wants to punch this guy in the throat.  Anyways...I kinda wanted to live with her, but if she is moving in with him...not so much.  I could live with Adam, but I don't know if I could handle the random reminders of his brother.  Part of my purpose for leaving Scottsdale is to get away from the constant reminders of him; how can I do that when living with his family?!  probably not a feasible plan.  But hey, I love Adam to bits and pieces.  He is my best friend and he knows me really well.  I can even have a semi-comfortable conversation with him about his little brother now.  I will be sad to leave my parents and I won't get to see my other best friend nearly as much, but I think it will be worth it in the end.

Well...I think that is all I have to say for now.  Oh!  Also, I have been wondering lately why guys seem to  never realize that when the girl they love runs away (emotionally or physically) that on some level, she really wants him to chase after her.  It has been depicted in almost all television shows and romantic movies--comedy or otherwise.  Why can't the men folk just pull their heads out of their butts and get it together.  Generally speaking, she loves him too, but she is utterly terrified!  Go get her boys, she needs you to fight!  Or, you could both live with broken hearts and never know what could have been...what would have been.

7)

I am happy today and have no clue why.  It is rather bothersome really.  I mean, I did find out that Janet Evanovich is releasing a new Stephanie Plum Novel June 22, and that always makes me smile, but not enough to last all day....  Disconcerting!

It seems that my days of late are spent more in the glow of smiles than in the gloom of my normal bitter self.  I am, of course, thinking about him and still getting the warm fuzzies when I do.  Maybe that is it.  Maybe it is because I am finally getting my Associates after four years.  No, I was not slacking off...not really.  I was taking all the classes I could that had to do with either of my majors...it just so happens that no matter how many history or literature classes you take, you still have to have a Literacy credit and two lab sciences.  How I managed to take about 7 literature classes and not have at least one of them count for a Literacy credit...I may never know.  The only difference I can see in the other classes and this Literature and Film class I am taking for the ominous L credit is that there is a bunch of group activities.  I am planning on teaching...not running a business where I have to work in groups...as a teacher I get to force others to work in groups.

I still think love sucks though.  I am just more happy about it.  I know, that makes a serious lack of sense.  If you really think about it from my point of view though, I think you may be able to see a glimmer of light.  (Don't worry, I am not expecting total comprehension...I haven't even accomplished that and mine is the brain that came up with it.)  In theory, I had love.  I don't actually know if he really loved me.  Sure he said so, but he has lied to me before.  Don't get me wrong, I have awesome self-esteem, but there are far more convincing reasons to assume he lied about loving me than to believe he did...or does, whichever the case may be.  The fact that he just let me off the hook when I told him he didn't love me and didn't press me for answers may signify his lack of conviction.  The fact that he broke up with me three days later without even the hint of a fight might also lead more towards the lack of love side.  However, arguments on the very same events can be presented for the opposing side.  (This is the kind of thing that goes on in my brain on a daily basis.  People may wonder why I just randomly go for little jaunts on my own...this is why...I am running all this through my head...it is better accomplished in solitude.  Plus, it is good exercise.)  Then I start to replay all the events of our post-breakup in my head.  All the things he did or avoided doing when he was home on leave...oh goodness they provide juicy little morsels for my over-active brain to munch on.  For instance, the first time we saw each other after breaking up was when I was picking up his older brother for a movie, Ice Age 3, and they were both waiting outside.  Adam, my best friend and his older brother, made me get out of the car to give him a hug.  Well...immediately after the hug, he gets all cold on me.  I blocked out all sensation during the hug because I didn't, and still don't, want to admit feeling anything.  Keep in mind, at this point he is in another relationship and, as I found out a few days later, ENGAGED.  This was about three...maybe four months after he and I broke up--just more reason for me to believe he lied.  However, how can I explain his total aversion to physical contact with me after the initial hug?  It was really interesting when he came to the 3am showing of Harry Potter with pretty much my entire group.  It got even more interesting when he preferred my sister's company to mine.  Caylin is not a person he gets along with.  In fact, they hate each other, but he was exceptionally nice to her.  Also, he got up to smoke about every five minutes.  He only smokes when he is stressed out and I have NEVER seen him smoke so much in the span of two hours in my life!  He also took a shot of whiskey before coming out with me.  Was spending time with me when we weren't even alone together that daunting of a task, he had to take a shot to take the edge off?  Now, it makes me smile, when I initially found out, it pissed me off.

What can I say? I love the boy no matter how dumb he acts.  It makes it only easier for me to twist his actions and words to mean that he was telling the truth, which is, I think, the root cause for the infernal smiles that keep crossing my lips even when the world seems to be falling apart around me.  Now, don't take this to mean that I believe love conquers all.  It doesn't.  Whoever said it did obviously never had any bills to pay and lived in a Utopian society...or was the village idiot.

And with that little treasure, I shall be off to bed.  Goodnight lovelies!  I hope you all find love and that yours is much more active than mine...silly passive and probably scared boys (they probably couldn't find their heads in their asses with two hands and a map, but we love them nonetheless and are still hoping they find us...it is seriously messed up).  Good luck to us all!